Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

DS not invited to brother's wedding

184 replies

shawad · 09/12/2008 10:00

What would you do - I'm supposed to be his best man, and my son will be the only 'child' who is being excluded by their 'no children' policy (other than 2 friends who wouldn't have brought their children anyway).

He'll be 20 months, and #2 is on the way and will be 4 months by then (next August). Both will be too much to leave with the mother in law.

It's not really that much of a surprise, she doesn't like children, and doesn't want any herself, but I had hoped that she'd have been talked round by my brother.

My parents are both upset and angered by the decision, as are my wife and I. We see the wedding as a family event, and she is joining our family so better get used to children being part of it. She sees her wedding as a big party for her friends, to the point my Parents aren't even getting to invite any of their family/friends.

I'm most disappointed with my brother in all this - it's his wedding too, so I think he should be putting his foot down and having his family there, but he's probably just wanting to keep the peace.

At the moment I've decided that I can't be his best man (although I've not told him yet), my wife will probably be staying at home to look after both kids, and I'm not even sure I want to go now at all.

Am I overreacting? What have other ppl on here done when they've been in this situation?

OP posts:
chequersandroastedchestnuts · 09/12/2008 11:20

My cousin got engaged yesterday and they're planning the wedding for 2010. I'm already planning not to take DD - that is, unless, my cousin expressly wants her there in which case I will follow her wishes.

Personally I don't see what small children get out of weddings, they're just an opportunity for the parents to show them off.

somefriend · 09/12/2008 11:22

OP - have a think, have you ever pissed off the fiancee? Is your child somewhat rowdy? Maybe you should look to your own behaviour to see if there is a specific issue that she is worried about that could be addressed.

Maybe she's worried you won't keep him under much control during the ceremony? Perhaps you can negotiate to leave him out of that part and just do the other bits?

Pinkjennybellrock · 09/12/2008 11:24

OK I have posted this before, but we did exactly the same thing. Dh asked his brother to be best man, his wife was a bridesmaid, and my nephew was 4 months old. And categorically not invited.

I was child-free then, but it was my wedding. And the decision I made then isn't necessarily the one I would make now.

I made absolutely no apologies for not inviting him at all, and I know SIL wasn't happy about it, and she did leave the reception early.

Our wedding . Our selfish decision.

(BTW Obviously now I am horrified when people don't invite dd to weddings! )

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting Weddings
skidoodle · 09/12/2008 11:36

@ excluding a four-month old nephew from a wedding when his parents were the witnesses!

It's when you read stuff like this that you realise why there are so many families that have problems with in-laws.

Why don't you care about upsetting people you are supposed to love and inconveniencing people you are supposed to be hosting and showing a good time?

It's like reverse world where being a host means you get to treat your family and friends like shit.

Thankfully I don't know any people like this in RL.

If your preference is for a child-free wedding (and although it wasn't mine, I can see that other people prefer it that way) then at least operate with a bit of grace like HQ did and try to come up with an arrangement that acknowledges the reality of the family you are joining.

I would be so ashamed to know my wedding was something people looked back on as a time when they felt hurt and excluded.

XmasFairyGrrrl · 09/12/2008 11:40

calm down skidoodle, she's already said she wouldn't make that decision now.

Pinkjennybellrock · 09/12/2008 11:45

Thanks XmasFairyGrrrl, don't worry, I'm not offended at all. I look back on my wedding as the most wonderful day of my life, prior to dd's birth. Which does make me a bit selfish, yes. I've never asked SIL or BIL how they look back on it.

As I have already said, it was my decision, and I wouldn't make that decision now.

Laugs · 09/12/2008 11:46

I would also be upset if I were you, but I don't know what you can do about it.

The main problem will be with leaving a 4 month old baby, I think. If you wife is breastfeeding, she probably won't be able to go (or not for long) - perhaps you could explain this to your brother?

If they don't budge on it, I still think you should be best man. Obviously you and your brother are close and this is why he has asked you. Many people without children really don't understand what it is like, as you can see with people on this thread who had child-free weddings in their own child-free days. Don't take it personally.

Pinkjennybellrock · 09/12/2008 11:46

Would it make you feel better skidoodle if I tell you that SIL's parents turned up (uninvited) to the church and the reception - before the meal - with my nephew anyway?

skidoodle · 09/12/2008 11:48

Why wouldn't you make that decision now since you had such a good time and don't care how it affected anyone else?

Sounds like it was a marvellous wedding for the only person involved who mattered.

Pinkjennybellrock · 09/12/2008 11:50

Look skidoodle, I wouldn't make that decision now because I have a child of my own, and understand how much I would want the option of having dd with me if the tables were turned.

And I am going to ignore your last comment, as frankly, I think you're being unnecessarily rude.

wannaBe · 09/12/2008 11:52

I can totally see why a child-free wedding, on the whole.

As I said above - I had a child free wedding and it was great.

However, I was able to do that because we didn't have any children in the family at that time. Had there been children in the family then I think it would have made things extremely difficult, and a lot of pressure would have been applied.

We did get one response saying that "we will not be coming as you haven't invited our daughter" which I thought was extremely rude, esp as they were just friends of MILs so by no means close friends of ours with whose children we might have had a relationship.

But this sounds like more than just a child free wedding - it sounds as if even the groom's family (apart from the parents) haven't been invited, and that IMO is totally out of order.

And yes of course it's their day and they have a right to do things as they choose, but they shouldn't just expect everyone to be happy about it.

familyfeud · 09/12/2008 11:53

Our DS was invited to BIL's wedding but not the actual service. I told SIL what I thought of her and vowed never to speak to them again.

This was 2 years ago, they're dead to us.

wannaBe · 09/12/2008 11:54

skidoodle there's no need for that.

Are you the SIL? Because if not then getting quite so het up over something in which you had no involvement is really uncalled for.

chequersandroastedchestnuts · 09/12/2008 11:55

Time of the month Skidoodle?

traceybath · 09/12/2008 11:56

lol familyfeud - i assume you're joking.

Children can be total pains at weddings and i totally understand the wish for a child-free wedding.

Weddings cost lots and i think its totally fair that the bride and groom prioritise their friends as guests over small children and friends of their parents (assuming parents aren't paying for it all).

I've missed weddings because of having small babies/toddler - to be honest keeping a toddler happy during a 3 or 4 course meal and speeches alongside a 4 month old would be my idea of hell.

KristinaM · 09/12/2008 11:56

i believe a church wedding is open to anyone who wishes to attend. although i agree that a recepion is a private function and is for invited guests only

howvere a best man isnt just another guest. he has many responsibilities and is part of teh wedding party. i think teh Ops brother shoudl have consulted him befroe excluding his wife and children. after all, a best man woudl normally expect his wife to be included in the invitation

familyfeud · 09/12/2008 11:57

No I am not joking, weddings are about families.

Pinkjennybellrock · 09/12/2008 11:58

Do you know what traceybath? It's such an interesting subject, as my own dd is now 19mo, and has been invited to two of the three weddings we have been invited to since her birth, and I haven't taken her to any of them. I am lucky in that I have been able to leave her with family and then pick her up after the wedding, but I can't think of anything more hellish than chasing around after her under tables etc whilst the speeches were being made etc.

But, I appreciate, it is a personal choice. And for the record, dh and I have a wonderful relationship with BIL and SIL, and their children. Unless of course, as wannabe said, skidoodle is SIL.

juuule · 09/12/2008 11:59

If people thought so much about their families I don't think they would be so quick to disown them because they didn't agree with a family member's wedding arrangements.

juuule · 09/12/2008 12:00

Kristina - his wife is invited.

wannaBe · 09/12/2008 12:01

bloody hell familyfude. talk about ott reaction.

traceybath · 09/12/2008 12:02

blimey familyfeud - think i've wandered into an episode of the sopranos.

ComeOVeneer · 09/12/2008 12:04

If you feel so strongly about it familfeud how come you don't have the conviction to post it under your usual name? Little bit of trolling perhaps?

Merrylegs · 09/12/2008 12:07

It will have to be up to your brother to talk her round, if he is keen for your whole family (ie your wife and kids) to come to his wedding,

BUT IME, (having a SIL from hell), I'm afraid you might just have to suck this one up.

Your bro is marrying her and his loyalty will be to her first and foremost I'm afraid. He's the one who will have to live with her and all her little ways.

Do you not have any other babysitters if MIL can't do it?

familyfeud · 09/12/2008 12:07

Because I'm not in the mood to be flamed by a bunch of mothers who don't understand how important it is that children be involved in weddings