DS not invited to brother's wedding

[shawad]

What would you do - I'm supposed to be his best man, and my son will be the only 'child' who is being excluded by their 'no children' policy (other than 2 friends who wouldn't have brought their children anyway).

He'll be 20 months, and #2 is on the way and will be 4 months by then (next August). Both will be too much to leave with the mother in law.

It's not really that much of a surprise, she doesn't like children, and doesn't want any herself, but I had hoped that she'd have been talked round by my brother.

My parents are both upset and angered by the decision, as are my wife and I. We see the wedding as a family event, and she is joining our family so better get used to children being part of it. She sees her wedding as a big party for her friends, to the point my Parents aren't even getting to invite any of their family/friends.

I'm most disappointed with my brother in all this - it's his wedding too, so I think he should be putting his foot down and having his family there, but he's probably just wanting to keep the peace.

At the moment I've decided that I can't be his best man (although I've not told him yet), my wife will probably be staying at home to look after both kids, and I'm not even sure I want to go now at all.

Am I overreacting? What have other ppl on here done when they've been in this situation?

Noticed the OP hasn't been back too, but he was quite clear in his original post and is probably sitting back enjoying the cat fight

I agree with lots of what was said, when you dont have children you are not aware of the difficulties involved in organising childcare when they are not invited. I can also understand people wanting child free weddings to a point. At what stage do you stop it becomming a kiddie zone if there everyone has them. But excluding immediate family is a bit harsh.

We were at a wedding in the summer. They are not close friends, DH works with the Groom. Everyone who had children and wanted to bring them was welcome to do so, dd was 8 mths. And there was a toy for each child according to age. It was the most thoughtful thing I've seen and for that reason and the fact that dd was so welcome made it a memorable day for us (that and the cruel heat, in an otherwise crap summer).

As to what to do? Go, stand beside your brother, eat with them and from now till then work on your speech and ensure it has at least 2 very gentle but very sharp digs at SIL and her dislike of children. Or if you dont want to upset her. Work a little tear into your eye as you mention how much it would have meant to you to have your family be with you on such an important day in your familiy's history. Either way, digs are called for.

Then after the speeches, wish them all the best, make your apologies and tell them you have a bottle of champagne and a lovely wife and two chldren waiting at home.

None of our friends had children when we were married (child of 21...) but I would definitely have wanted children there...it's all about family/friends sharing your day to me.
I have missed several weddings due to no children policy. That's fine, it is their wedding and DH has gone alone.
I've also missed bits of other weddings as I don't think a noisy child should interupt the ceremony.
One of the nicest weddings I've ever been to was my widowed FIL re-marrying. There were half a dozen assorted grandchildren/step-grandchildren. They were welcome in the service and at the meal; FIL and ds1 danced together for ages afterwards.
But FIL (and his wife) attach a particular value to families, both of them having lost their spouses in the past and for them it was all about family being together for the day. They would have been disappointed if the dc hadn't been at the service.

OP, I was in the same situation back in 2004. My BIL was getting married, he told us children were not invited as he wanted us to have a good day and enjoy ourselves. DS was 3 at the time and DD1 was only a few months old, both were very clingy. My parents were ok for minding them for a few minutes, but all day was asking too much. DH was groomsman.
At the insistence of my parents, we ended up going to the wedding, we didn't enjoy ourselves. I was phoning every 5 minutes. DCs were distressed. My parents were not in good form and were not coping. (It emerged 3 months later they both had advanced cancer and subsequently died). The venue was 2 hours away. We gobbled the meal, and left.
To this day, we still say how sorry we are to have attended this pretentious event.
My advice is, your children are far more important than any wedding, and I would stay well away. It's not worth the stress. And your brother may find that out one day if his wife changes her mind and decides to have children.

'my Parents aren't even getting to invite any of their family/friends'

Compo and ComeOVeneer, why your bad reaction to this statement?

Of course, parents should be allowed to invite their friends to their offspring's weddings. Lots of parents still pay towards weddings, and they will want to repay friends whose offsprings weddings they've attended in the past.

I agree with qwertypoiuy over the stress. Who is invited depends on who is paying-if parents are paying they should be able to invite their friends, if the couple are paying it all themselves then they can have their own choice entirely.

I am sorry you have been put in this position, and am interested, as suspect a similar set of events is about to happen in my family.

I think talking to your brother quietly about the difficulty involved...e.g. your wife caring for the children and so unable to attend, yourself feeling compromised so having to leave promptly. Difficulty of leaving MIL with two young children. Stay calm and neutral.

Have you thought of taking a reliable babysitter to the hotel you are staying in, they go out with the children for the day, you attend the wedding with your wife and leave promptly, after the meal??

Just ideas.

In my situation, my sister never asks about my son, or acknowledges his existence. I think many people who do not like children do not change their opinion. You can choose friends but you cannot choose your family!

I really don't understand people who think children ruin weddings. The whole thing is essentially a fertility ritual, for heaven's sake!

My sister's wedding this summer involved a whole gang of children - she and the groom have two, there are two others in the family and most of her friends have youngsters. It was lovely.

We didn't have any children when dh and I got married, but wouldn't have occurred to us to ban those of friends and family. Dh's 2yo niece piped up during our vows, when we were saying our names: 'Me Amber Louise'. It was very cute. And then she invited everyone back to her house for tea! (If only we'd known, could have saved us a bomb on the reception...).

Maybe childless people just don't understand the logistics, but they should think of other people, not just themselves. If you are hosting a party, it's your duty to look after your guests and consider their needs. Anything else is very ill-mannered.

We ended up having major falling out with MIL over hte sheer number of friends she wanted to invite ... some we had NEVER heard her mention before or since.

Personally I don't see the problem with not allowing children. It really depends on what stage of life you are at when you get married. We were fairly young, hardly any of our friends had children but we do have a big family and if we were to invite every cousin's child, our numbers would be massive and we just couldn't have afforded it (however our neices/nephews were invited!). We had a very late wedding which was in hte middle of nowhere, but with transport laid on in hte early hours to get everyone back to the hotel. This was not conducive for children but we, and all our guests, had a fantastic time. Those cousins with children loved having a night away. If I was to get married now, then it would be completely different and children woudl play a big part in it.

Meant to say, I have NEVER been offended by a no children policy. It's there choice and quite frankly, it's a great opportunity to see friends and not be "mum and dad" for a day. The bliss of being able to actually finish a conversation, eh!

oh dear, reading all this has made me think about how we handled our nuptials. Yes it was particularly complicated being fairly last minute, us coming from opposite sides of the world and his parents and immediate family not able to be there. But, complications aside we certainly made a lot of the mistakes talked about on here. Ultimately though, no-one sets out to hurt anyone with the decisions they make about their wedding. It is quite frankly the most politically charged, sensitive bloody event you will probably ever have to organise and no-one is going to get it all right. I'm a lot more sympathetic to people who make what I consider to be dodgy wedding choices now that I've organised one. In fact I cringe at some of my over reactions in the past (blush). Remember though it's their special day and this query from you is probably one of 50 big political issues they are grappling with! Albeit a big and important one. I guarantee there are some angry non-invited family members, friends left off the list, date arranged means some important people can't come, the list goes on. Anyway, main message is it helps to start from the point of view that no-one is INTENDING to be malicious, hurtful, inconsiderate etc...and try and keep a sense of perspective.

I'm with wishingchair. We went to a fabulous wedding recently. We were given plenty of notice that it would be child free so everyone organised childcare. Breastfeeding babies were, or course, invited.

It was the most fantastic occasion. We all had the chance to relax and enjoy ourselves without worrying about our children.

Bliss.

To the OP - it is their day, and therefore *their choices. Once they have children, they may think differently, but at the moment, they aren't, and don't.

I think you just have to be big and grown up about it. Make your own decisions about childcare based on their wishes. If this means that your dw can't make it, then that's unfortunate. However, he's your brother, and will always be your brother. It's really not worth falling out over!

I personally think that, even if people want an essentially child-free day, the exception should be made for close family ie nieces and nephews.

I think your wife is quite right not to go, but I think you will have to go or risk major feud.

Do you think your brother will get the message if you point out that your wife won't be able to attend under these circs?

For my cousin's wedding ds was invited as they knew we didn't really have childcare options, and dh took ds outside to play in the graveyard when they were actually making their vowels (and most of the ceremony) so as not to disturb the occassion. My sister's dp also took their ds out at the relevant moment to ensure peace - even though he is a really chilled toddler.
Then at a friend's wedding dh did the same with ds (then 21 months) and I breastfed dd at the relevant time to ensure peace!
Could you discuss that and maybe your dw could do the same? I don't see how a 4 month old can really interrupt proceedings too much if you are sensitive to the situation, and make sure you take plenty of food for ds so you can ensure he gets fed at the right time so doesn't fuss?
But then, their wedding, their rules....

Surely if you are hosting an event, you think about what your guests would like and what would make them comfortable. If the hosts don't do this they are rude (IMO) and people should be free to decline the invite. Equally guests should be respectful of the wedding.

I had 2 invites to weddings this year, both couples child free, both told us our kids (DS 1 and DD 4 months) would be invited when they told us they were getting married. I think they know I view my kids as an extension of me while they are so little.

Wedding 1 was a couple who are not keen on kids, there were not many kids there. I manipulated DD's feeds/naps so she'd be asleep during the ceremony and DS was just being a toddler so DH took him out before it started and was swiftly followed by the Dad of the only other toddler there. Lots of people came up afterwards and said there was no need to take them out, but there was because I suspect it would have irritated the couple getting wed (DS later ran into the buffet table and whacked his head during the speeches which wasn't great but again was swiftly removed).

Wedding 2, a large wedding, 1/4 of the guests under 5. All of us sat near the back so we could take kids out if noisy. None were. It was the most amazing wedding as there was so much thought put into it. There was a cosy breastfeeding room set aside in the venue, an age appropriate toy for each kid, the people with kids were scattered in the table plan so you didn't feel dumped on the kids table. Best wedding I've been to.

What I'm trying to say in my ramble is a little bit of thoughfulness on both sides solves nearly all probs. I feel closer to both my friends now for considering me as a guest. OP go talk to your bro, find out their concerns and try and address them.

I feel that she isn't making a good start with the family by refusing to have the children there. People will always say it is their wedding so they can do what they like but a wedding is for families.

Let them have the wedding they want - stop fussing.

We had children - and the more the merrier - at ours including our own. But have been to weddings where they weren't invited and frankly we had a bloody good time at those too.

Hang on - leaving aside what you think about child free weddings, have the couple said the baby isn't allowed? At child-free weddings I have been to, babes in arms have been allowed, no problem, people understand that they usually need to be with their mums if only because of breastfeeding. Babies don't take up an (expensive) seat, they don't run around or make (much) noise. A 2 yo is a very different proposition!

Think of it from DS's point of view - bearing in mind that this wedding won't have child specific food and entertainment that some lay on, he will have to

• sit still and be quiet during the ceremony

-sit at a table for an extended period and eat food he probably won't be keen on

• sit quietly (again) through speeches

Granted, the dancing bit at the end may be fun but by that point he is likely to be a very tired and fed up little boy, with similarly frazzled parents and he won't be able to hang around for most of it!

For most 2yo's a traditional wedding is not a lot of fun - and any enjoyment you and wife might get will be spoiled by spending you day trying to get him to be quiet/sit still/generally behave like an adult...wouldn't it be easier and more fun for everyone if he stayed with your in-laws and you take the baby? I can't believe your brother will say no to that...they may well be assuming the baby is coming and there really isn't anything to get worked up about at all!

I know its the choice of the couple. but children cope well at weddings in my experience!

DS has been to several weddings in his 2 years of life, and we have never had a real problem...even in long ceremonies, loved the meals, I took him out for the speeches (granted, they are challenging when you are 14 months).

He slept in the car for a bit on the drive from the church to the reception.

Yes he was tired, but kept going until 9pm.

By the way, DS is not a wallflower, he has been decribed as a handful and wild before now.

I don't think it's always about whether people think that a wedding is for children or not - we were married 4 years ago in our mid 30's and lots of our friends then had kids. A lot of our friends don't go out like we used to pre-kids and most couldn't wait for a great party without their kids. I now have a toddler myself and know it's no fun trying to juggle (whilst you and dp/dh argue over who's "turn" it is) an overtired toddler...... Isn't it nice to have a day/night off sometimes?

We had immediate family children (ie brothers/sisters and cousins) and made it clear in our invites that these were the only kids invited - I wouldn't have wanted them not to be there although I know my SIL found it quite stressful trying to look after them. If we'd had a friends kids as well we'd have had to invite the kids instead of some friends. If you do invite someone's kids they often feel obliged to invite them even if deep down they'd rather not bring them.

I made an exception if a)they were breastfeeding b) no-one to look after their kids....and told them to let me know if it was difficult for them and we'd see what we could sort out for them to help.

My sister gets married next summer- I have already asked my in-laws (who are invited) if they can be on hand to help with ds (then 3) and have asked a friend who has kids to take no 2 off my hands for the day as I'll be a bridesmaid and would just love to be able to relax for the day ....selfish....maybe but then my 6 month old won't remember the day.

As for not inviting parents friends - depends who's paying I s'pose. My parents very generously paid for our wedding so invited their lovely old family friends who I wouldn't have wanted to get married without and gave DH's family an amount of friends/family to invite being fair to everyone. Maybe they're all just reasonable - I didn't know some of them that well but DH did and it was important to his parents that they were there.

It was a great wedding and I don't know anyone of our friends who moaned about their kids not being there - we had lots of positive "god it's lovely to have a day off" sort of comments.......

I have a DS and I practically beg any friends who are getting married to have a no-child rule, it's a lovely occasion to catch up with friends and let the hair down just a little.

However I would ask your brother to clarify the children thing as all weddings I have been to which have banned children have allowed breastfeeding babies.

"Weddings are all about joining two families IMO" is a dowry still demanded in your family as well?

no not over reacting. i think this is so very rude. why have a party if you cannot make your guests feel at ease? its totally inhospitable.

its a very difficult situation as it is such close family. is there no talking them round. are your parents paying for any of the wedding?

If it is not about joining two families why not go off with some friends-have a party and save a lot of money?

The wedding is about the bride and groom. In most cases I have turned down invitations for DD to weddings as she would be tired and irritable, meaning we would be also.

When DD was a tiny baby, I could think of nothing worse than trying to cope during hours and hours of a wedding anyway.

It's about 2 people joining together, those 2 people usually have families, sometimes they even love their families so yes of course they would want to invite them to the wedding as they would want to invite friends. I only had close family at my wedding but would still not say it was about the joining of 2 families, it was the making of a new family.