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so do you pry in other kids school bags when they come home for tea?

300 replies

sneakypeak · 20/10/2008 17:33

I always have a look to see what reading book theyre on/ what the standard of their work is compared to my dcs.

am i sneaky / sad or is this just normal human curiosity?

OP posts:
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tigermoth · 21/10/2008 08:19

My son often has large military history books in his bookbag. We have lots at home as dh is interested in this and ds2 loves taking them to school.

The text can be very technical. I am sure ds doesn't read it all properly, but he likes looking at the pictures and reads the bits he can understand. I don't know what some prying mothers would make of those books, though!

filz · 21/10/2008 08:21

No because

(a) it is not my child

(b) i am not even the slightest bit interested

pagwatch · 21/10/2008 08:54

I have a load of reasons why I object to it but they are many and you will probably fall asleep.
For a start , you have invited this child into your home and then you choose to sneakily invade their privacy. If it actually was an ok thing to want to know about you would just ask. But because part of your brain knows thatyour intentions are small minded you don't - you do it behind their back.

It doesn't take much to know broadly how smart/struggling your child is - so this isn't aboutthat. It is about finding some way to allocate your child a place or standing within his peers. Think about it - how sad is that.
It is part ofthis modern thing where we seek all our validation through status and having a bright child is the thing to have. Now if we actually have the brightest child then we know that already. So this is about finding out whether they are 6th or 10 or 23rd.
It demweans our kids because it just confirms that thet is the value we place upon them.
If a child is about 3rd best and near the top then we can be 'proud' because somehow that reflects well upon us. But actually it doesn't at all.
If you are a wanker then the fact that your primary age child has a reading age of 15 does not stop you being a wanker. It just gives you a strange sense of vicarious significance.
It is also bollox because reading age is not indicative of how our child will succeeed in later life so we are placing more and more emphasis on a totally artifical means of assessing out childs outcomes.

It also means ( when you think about it) that what you are actually looking for is for the child who you have welcomed into your home to be more stupid than your child. Think aboutthat. it means that if you find out that he/she is really struggling you are abl;e to feel superior to a 5/6/7 year old. Well done

It is also pretty inappropriate for many age groups who have personal info in their reading books which may include private details from home or medication or many otherthings.

All the comparisons with notice boards are nonsense. If people pin up information that is not therefore private. Equally chatting about jobs/holidays etc is usually designed to relax the child and letthem talk aboutthemselves. ( well I thought usually - not so sure now ).

I have a child with sn and i can understand a little those who are seeking reassurance that their child is not to far behind. My son is now 12 and my personal experience would be that that is actually unlikely to make you feel better .

It is just all wrong. To see it as harmless is fine but you are kidding yourself. it is part of this merciless crush of pressure upon our kids at younger and younger ages not to do well but to be better. It is just as tragic and shallow as looking at clothing labels.
We are going to raise a generation of children who can only feel worthwhile when they feel better than their peers . genuine pride at achievemant is being replaced by a kind of sliding scale of relative kudos -
tragic .

I honestly wouldn't be incensed if someone read my childrens books. I am pretty upfront wth people about DS2's SN and how they affect his sister so the private stuff in her reading diary would just be a bit more info than they have already. I would actually defy anyone to go through DS1's bag because at 15 it is mahoosive.

But all the 'calm down' 'don't be hysterical'is just passive aggressive shite. Just because you think what you are doing is harmless does not require everyone else to regard it equally. Morality is personal and just because other are ok with rifling throughthe bags of a child they invited into their home does not mean everyone is. Nor does it mean that anyone who thinks it is scummy is a fibber.
It may well be done as a kind of 'comfort' - reassuring yourself where your child is but I personally think the fact that we seem to need to do that is sad for our kids.

Interested in this thread?

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cory · 21/10/2008 09:46

I agree with Pagwatch about the whole thing being rather misleading anyway. And that it does seem to be more about hierarchy than anything else.

I mean, anyone can easily gain a vague idea of what the national expectations are, if they want to know if their child is seriously bright or really behind in general terms. And there are plenty of books on child development if you are looking for genuine reassurance.

Comparing notes with one other child's book bag isn't going to tell you a lot; they may be a complete little genius or on the SEN register (doesn't necessarily show on the outside). It's not like you have access to a statistically significant sample. This seems to be more for people who need to know that my child is more advanced than yours. Which seems rather a sad thing to want to know.

I want to be able to put personal information about ds in his reading diary without needing to fear that it will be dissected by the entire neighbourhood.

Peachy · 21/10/2008 09:48

No

because I am not a nosey prying freak

I also do ot get any rush out of any perceived superiority in terms f class reading level / standard of schoolwork (ds1's is crap but he won a regional art prize yesteray) / exclusivity of lunch provided / etc etc etc

You don't half meet some bizarre people on MN

Scarletibis · 21/10/2008 09:48

No, am not interested.
Am also convinced that my child is actually top of the class in all areas and don't want to confirm otherwise.

Peachy · 21/10/2008 09:51
hatrick · 21/10/2008 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

seeker · 21/10/2008 10:59
pagwatch · 21/10/2008 11:03

seeker
I'm honestly not high minded.
I just have seen this thing from lots of different angles - including both SN DS2 and very bright DS1 who got crap at school when another mum decided to announce his very high reading age to her mouthy daughter.

I just think that barring special support we should let them be.

andiem · 21/10/2008 11:10

fantastic post pagwatch

ipanemagirl · 21/10/2008 11:14

I do look but I feel properly ashamed of myself when I do!

PoppyCoc · 21/10/2008 11:14

Its a sad world if its considered high minded to have respect for other peoples privacy.

seeker · 21/10/2008 11:28
ninah · 21/10/2008 11:31

why not just ask? would you steam open their parent's post, given the chance?

seeker · 21/10/2008 11:36

Oh yes. And I'd steal their identity and go to Buenos Aires on their credit cards. And I would sleep with their husbands and/or wives! I am a complete moral reprobate and I'm surprised I'm still allowed to post on here - but I assume the baning order is winging its way to me as I type.

pagwatch · 21/10/2008 11:37

seeker
my post was a general one. I wasn't aiming anything at you. Nor have I accused you of anything. I was responding to the general question of why do people object.

pagwatch · 21/10/2008 11:38
Hmm
seeker · 21/10/2008 11:42

My last post was directed at the suggestion that I would steam open people's letters, not in response to you, pagwatch!

seeker · 21/10/2008 11:42

My last post was directed at the suggestion that I would steam open people's letters, not in response to you, pagwatch!

mehgalegs · 21/10/2008 11:43

pag - I think she was replying to ninah's barmy post.

I wish people would stpp equating a sneaky peek at a rreading book with full on gross invasions of privacy.

We have seen the error of our ways but still people continue to post outraged and silly comments.

Pag respect too for your thoughtful post. Yes, I can see where you (and most others) are coming from.

pagwatch · 21/10/2008 11:48

I think I am doing that thing where I think I am having a conversation instead of randomly posting.
I am such a dimwit.

My DDs friend has just turned up for playdate and DD announced at the door
"why are you wearing your school coat"
So you can do your best but your children will still end up being rude little twonks.

We will have to have that chat again about 'if you don't have something nice to say......'

seeker · 21/10/2008 12:09

I think I was having a conversation too - sort of, but with several different people. But I was a bit upset that my shameful admission earned me such opprobrium!

I was interested in your post, pagwatch. Im my case, I disagree with you. I'm not putting pressure on my child - I actually put so little pressure on them that I sometimes have a bit of a panic. Knowing the level another child is on and realizing that my child is there or thereabouts reassures me that my laid back approach to primary school isn't damaging their education! So if little visiting Hepisibah is within a level either way of my little Gertrude I know Gertrude is doing OK and my no pressure approach works.

And no, you can't ask. Because if you ask a parent what level their child is on they will quite justifiably think you're either a pushy parent, or a loon. As I would probably think if someone asked me. I would have no problem with telling them, but I would wonder about their motives.

edam · 21/10/2008 14:32

Oh, I've had parents in the playground ask me what level ds is on. In roundabout very English manner. Suppose they wanted to check their own child was doing OK or where they were in the range. Don't mind that so much as it's my choice how much info to give them - can always bat it away with a vague 'oh, I think he's doing OK'. MUCH better than sneaking a look in someone's book bag.

The parents who go in and help with reading really are terrible gossips though. Seem to do it purely in order to check up! Back when ds was in reception one told me he was doing very well but added 'there are a group of girls who are way ahead, though, on level 11'. Just in case I was feeling at all chuffed with ds! (They were a. girls b. born in September, though, so I shall continue to feel fine about my summer-born ds doing OK.)

Mind you, she was genuinely worried about her ds, who was very reluctant, and embarrassed because she was a Yr 1 teacher before becoming a SAHM.

scaryfucker · 21/10/2008 14:39

thank you Pagwatch for that thoughtful, non-hysterical and considered post.

I am not sure where other people get off on coming onto a thread after 25 pages and calling people freaks. That is just bloody rude, and rather lazy in my opinion.

However, I agree with megha. A one-off sneaky peek at a book (not a reading record, not info that is obviously personal to a child, no steaming open of envelopes-wtf?), in my eyes, is not comparable with the gross invasions of privacy that many people on this thread seem to be accusing the "freaks" of.

Pag, in some ways I agree with your sad indictment of a competitive society. However, like it or not, that is how the world works. Our childrens sats tests, GCSE's, university level etc etc are all judged on a sliding scale that is in comparison to others being examined at the same time. To deny that is naive (not freaky, you understand).

This could turn into one hell of a debate. Some examiners of todays society believe much of what is wrong with it today is that there is not enough competition. That many teenagers come out into the real world with a sense of entitlement. That rewarding all children, whether they do well or not, takes away the striving necessary to become a well-rounded adult with pride in their achievements. I dunno.

I must admit though, to rather missing a proper sports day, where the children actually compete. But that is getting off topic, is it not.

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