The Motherhood Delusion

[SantaLucia]

A thread to safely house all the thoughts that you are ashamed to admit. Example:

Why did we have children?

When does it all become worth it?

The day my child was born was NOT the best day of my life (it was my wedding) and I absolutely remember the pain and the boredom of being in hospital.

I can't be bothered reading about child development.

The health visitor is not worth a trip in the rain with a sleeping baby.

Thank goodness I'm over that "newborn" stage. Roll on year 5!

I think the most difficult thing about being a mum is that I feel like a fraud most of the time. Everyone comments that I am a great mum but but I feel like I am making everything up as I go along.

When you do paid employment you know you are good at your job or you would be fired. I have no idea if my mothering techniques are any good and won't find out for about 20 odd years.

I agree with everything on this thread!
I feel better hearing or reading other people feeling the same.

I am not a natural mother, i hate "playing" i hate the lack of control and the mess. I can't stand other peoples kids, even my own nieces and nephwes (except the older ones)

I am happy that come September they will both be gone all morning and i can be lazy if i wish.

I love them will all my heart and soul though.

muddle - I will give you one piece of (unsolicited) advice

When your DC is born do not work full-time and do not be a full-time SAHM. Work part-time even if all your salary goes into childcare. You will enjoy your DC so much more if you have that outlet but it's very sad to leave babies in full-time daycare IMHO.

Aww muddle, congrats, but don't worry, this is just one end of a very long spectrum of feelings and types of mothers. This [thread] is the place to vent, but there are a whole bunch of other threads we could write about how much we love our children and the inconsequential things they do

It took me ages to realise that

1. Motherhood is a respectable full-time job
2. It is much more rewarding to dedicate myself full time to the task of enjoying my child and making him enjoy life
3. It is not actually lots more fun to be going out to work anyway 4)It is virtually impossible to avoid feeling guilty about something

Have NO time for tidying the house and don't give a sh*t what ppl think about me being a pig, having spent months whipping my breasts out in public which takes some getting used to and toddlers don't care about mum being a prude... so I don't care about ppl frowning at my messy house, don't care about DS turning into a toddler tantrumer.

Spent first 6 months in a state of amazement over new baby/bored by being at home/bewilderment about what I was actually meant to do with said baby

Spent next 6 months working part-time and being a mum part time so wasn't able to do either satisfactorily

Spent next 6 months trying to study and so feeling guilty about shouting at DS for ripping my notes/ turning my laptop off when working on essays

Am actually enjoying this 6 months as am focussing on DS and am embracing the local parks/swimming pools as my favourite hang outs! Although did anyone else find you get a mum-friend and before you know it they think you're going to spend EVERY DAMN DAY with them and their child!?!?! O.o

Oh yes but make sure you're not at home full time because it is really healthy to appreciate your time with your child because you have had time apart IMO

"It is not actually lots more fun to be going out to work anyway."

Agree,agree, agree.

I honestly can say I feel much more fulfilled after a day at home with DS than a day at work. I didn't feel this way when I first went back to work but now I do; DS has become a real little friend.

The only way I kept myself sane when I was on maternity leave and looking after my LO all day long was to arrange for my MIL to come down regularly to give me time off. Whole days I would go into central London and enjoy myself - often or not with my DH too - whole days including dinners out.

She did this from my DD's second week onwards so my DD was completely used to being looked after by her Gran.

I still spent most of my time with DD, but those days when MIL took over - well, it saved my sanity.

Why did I have children?

I didnt want kids, I hated kids, I still do, well other peoples! I was unlucky and naive. One night stand - pregnant - 9 months later DS was born! Yay me!

I love him to death but my golly, he's annoying. I hate it when he gets his mega blocks out, scatters them across the floor and leaves them there - doesnt play with them until I want to put them away. Toys in general being scattered across the room and not playing with them until I put them away. I hate washing up 3 times a day, I hate all the washing I have to do, I hate constantly sweeping and mopping the floors, I hate the fact I cant have a bath in peace without DS throwing his toys at me, I hate meal times when food is on the floor or down his bib rather than in his tummy! I hate how he turns the telly off every time I'm watching something half decent on the telly. I hate that I cant get on certain public transport because no buggy aisle or buggy aisle is full. I hate that every last penny I get goes towards him, and if I buy anything for myself, I feel very guilty and think that it could have gone towards nappies etc.

I hate how having him is just a constant worry. I feel like I'm suffering from anxiety.

Cbeebies - Im fed up of that channel, and it repeats so bad! I'm a full time, single mum! Sometimes I need a break, I need ME time and when he doesnt go to bed AND go to sleep!! Grrrr

but other than all of this, he is my son, my flesh and blood and I would die ten times over if I could, for him!

Feels good to let it all out and not be judged!

First was unplanned but very much loved.(was born at 25 weeks and weighed just over a pound) Second was planned. They are wonderful and if i could i would have many more!
the eternal guilt is hard and never having time to yourself or money for that matter. Id do it again in a heartbeat tho.

Cant be arsed to do many things that many would look down on but i dont care!

All I can think today is why oh WHY did I have 3 kids in 3 years and 2 months? WHY?!! I mean, that was a very silly thing to do indeed! I've got no extended family support, DH works all hours God sends and I'm stuck in suburbia like some 1950's housewife.

To top it all I have to have major surgery soon -an abdominoplasty of all things. Before I hear cries of ' vanity vanity'- I am getting this on the NHS, due to my abdominal muscles having separated and a large hernia. Lovely! I look 8 months pregnant now have to go under the knife again.

I've already had 2 C Sections FFS! God I could scream about it, I really could. Other women have large babies one after the other but me? No- my stomach fall apart! Fucking hell.

I hate so many aspects of motherhood- not being a mother in itself as I adore my kids but 'the maternal role'- including:

a) the childish playground politics: the yummy mummy sets who drive me utterly mad. I've no time for them AT ALL, especially the mums that have to be the organisers, gossips and centre of attention. There is one particular woman at school who is such a stereotype of this sort of person, it would be worth turning her into a comedy character.
Spare me!

b) Cleaning- was I born to clean?

c) Picking up after my DH. I didn't realise that at the alter I actually said 'I will' to being his skivvy as well my children's. Perhaps my wedding ring has a spell on it to make me cook, wash, tidy, organise and clean up after him? Why is it that men think that women are better at housework? Are we super able or super good stupid for picking up after them as if they are an extra child?

d)Being on call all day every day to all of them- physically, mentally and emotionally.
Someone hide me in a cupboard please for a day so I can sleep and be at peace.

e) loosing my career ( teacher) has really pissed me off because we can't afford childcare for 3, even on what was a good wage, it is still not enough.

Icould go on and probably will another time!

I love and cherish my kids with all my being. But I hate motherhood. (smile)

oh God- Cbeebies- In the f*ing Night Garden - is it on a loop or something?

I admit-I've defected to Nick Junior- to Peppa Pig, Humph, The Wonder Pets, Dora and Nick Junior Classics. Thank the Lord on high on Bagpuss and the Clangers.

Oh and Ben 10 !

Cbeebs is good for learning but it can be very dull. Charlie and Lola, Come Outside are the only things I like.

3 in 3 years! Yes you are mad

Night Garden is positively sinister and edgy compared to that insipid new Waybaloo. I asked dd incredulously if she actually liked it and she said: Yes. There is nothing at all scary in it - it's just for children. Be a few years before we watch Lord of the Rings together then...........

Hate cleaning. It's a tough choice most days: cleaning or being the bad fairy (again)?

I had a life once you know

Don't bother with cbeebies if you hate it. I havn't used it YET but no doubt when dd knows what it is she will demand it!
Kids like to watch most things on tv. Mabe just put something else that is child and adult friendly and just about bearable on the box. Or music- dd loves music. I put on radio 1 and she's away. I don't bother with any of that nursery rhyme tape rubbish.

Cleaning really sucks. Conflicting parenting styles really suck.

When I became a mum I felt that everyone expected me to also become Mother Theresa with infinate amounts of patience, self- sacrifice and that maternal glow. But I'm not- I am a human being with my own desires and needs. It is as though we are expected to give up our own needs and find that a bitter pill to swallow. I want to give my daughter my love and time but I also want to have the time to give myself love and affection.

I miss my past life sooooooo much- the freedom, the parties, the travel, the (relatively) exciting jobs, the sex, the money, the peace and quiet when required, the hobbies. sigh. I've made myself sound like an international player which I wasn't but compared to this a trip down the pub would constitute being an international player!

Sorry to resurrect this once again but it has been my middle of the night reading fir the past few weeks and I wanted to say how liberating it has been to read it!
My two (4.5 and 1.75) can be the most adorable, funny and entertaining children ... yet they can also make me more angry and frustrated than I have ever been. DD currently going through a rude, argumentative phase; DS still wakes three times a night and will only stay asleep if I sit next to the got (hence reading thus on my iPhone).
I suppose I just assumed motherhood would come naturally, and that any issues would be solved by reading a book about it. Why then, am I permanently exhausted, harassed and snappy and why doI often dread weekends when I know DH and I will bicker, the children will whinge and complain, and I will go back To work on Monday morning mourning the fact that no quality time was had.
Many of my friends bang on and on about the wonders of the baby stage, I seriously cannot wait for mine to grow up and want to do things with their friends!!!
Perhaps with some sleep and fun time with them I will remember what I like about bring a mum, but until then I will remember this thread!

I miss life without kids. I miss being able to just go to the pub or out for dinner. I miss sleep. I hate having to be sensible, watch my language. I feel guilty that I'm not great at the motherhood thing. DD is wonderful, but I didn't realise that it would be so very hard. i thought everyone has kids, how hard can it be?

I loved the first couple of months, was tiring but relativly easy, I got lots of attention and help. But I'm bored now. I miss me. I miss my flat tummy.

I am looking forward to when she grows up and I can get my life back. 16 more years to go.

I want her to have a sibling, but don't know if I can face having another.

I don't regret having her, but I do wish I could go off on my own for a few days, I miss freedom.

I do enjoy going to work much more than I used to. My job is positivly relaxing next to looking after DD. I do three days and its the highlight of my week.

I too have felt like this often. I am thankfully going through a good phase at the moment where I love being with my DS just turned two. But there was a time when I would cry when my DH left the house and would dread the days that I was at home with my DS. I work three days a week and used to cherish that time away from my DS. At the moment though I am feeling that I want to be with my DS all the time and am trying to convince my DH to let me give up work (not going to happen!). I am just waiting for the next period of me feeling like a shit mum to come around, cos it always does. I'm not sure if part of the problem is putting so much pressure on myselfto be a perfect mother, wife, friend, daughter, employee etc, is what leads to me feeling that I can't cope.

I had to go back to this thread to remind myself that I am not the only one feeling how I am feeling! Just had DD2 and yes he is gorgeous and and yes I am over moon to have a healthy baby boy but god the breasts are engorged, I have stitches and piles from a back to back labour and I look like shit and honestly I do not understand why this is so hard for women- it's a joke!
I'm feeling overwhelmed with prospect of looking after 2 children on my own when I find it so hard just to look after my 2.4 year old who is a huge handful of fun and stress.
I look froward to a weekend when me and my dh will not bicker about children, looking forward (and this will take a long time) to feeling remotely attractive.

I love this thread. Thanks...for being normal. And honest. I also alternate between thinking in my head, whispering, and muttering SHUT THE FUCK UP...

Woo, way to bump an ancient thread!

Awww I love my ds to pieces! Sure he is hard work (last night comes to mind when he randomly decided to jam the bubble wand which I was using to blow bubbles for him into his mouth and then vomit violently on my rug) but God I wouldnt be without him for all the tea in China!

Having said that...

I miss my 'me' time! I miss watching something on telly that isnt Playhouse Disney! I miss deciding to do something/go somewhere and just DOING it without having to find care for ds! I miss my alone time with dh! I miss my mind! I miss uninterrupted sleep SO MUCH! lol I could go on forever!

But it only takes one cuddle from my baby to make me see how lucky I am :)

"I want to grasp them to my bosom and squeeze them with love, and then read my book in peace for a couple of hours."

Yes, yes, yes!!

You read my mind with this one

Can I not walk in the door, take my shoes and coat off and go for that pee I've needed for an hour without the little sods demanding drinks/food/glue/glitter/scissors/a certain toy/to be lifted.

I look forward to the day they are all at school.

Yes but the school day is so short....if only it was 9 to 5.