The Motherhood Delusion

[SantaLucia]

A thread to safely house all the thoughts that you are ashamed to admit. Example:

Why did we have children?

When does it all become worth it?

The day my child was born was NOT the best day of my life (it was my wedding) and I absolutely remember the pain and the boredom of being in hospital.

I can't be bothered reading about child development.

The health visitor is not worth a trip in the rain with a sleeping baby.

Thank goodness I'm over that "newborn" stage. Roll on year 5!

Blessthismess - so sorry about your son. For what it's worth, I do think the communal living model would make a big difference to this aspect of parenting. We've just got back from a week away with a group of friends (who we knew pre-children) and all of their children. 7 under-5s, and a couple of teenagers. It was chaos, but much much more bearable than usual. There is something very supportive about having other adults around routinely - to let you go to the loo in peace, cook a meal, share the organising. I'm not sure I could bear it on a permanent basis (the lack of privacy would wear me down) but I do think it would do a lot to mitigate the loneliness of being a mother. Which I think is probably at the heart of the problem, or my problem at least. I never thought it would be possible to feel lonely with children around but in many respects it's more isolating than being properly alone...

Frasersmummy - Well TBH I think I DO cope better with motherhood than I would have done otherwise - I was quite ambivalent beforehand but afterwards realised for sure that having children was what I wanted. But I know what you mean - it's almost like them saying you've got no right to complain and they expect you to be a saint! And I certainly am not!!

Bless/snickers - agree wholeheartedly! I think when the children are little lonliness is the main issue, along with not having a second opinion/someone to remember what time you gave the calpol!

Took my 3 to my parents' for a couple of days. It poured, they bickered. I cannot describe the joy of finding a very large warehouse containing an indoor playcentre, some food and some copies of crap celeb magazines. It's a place I would not have set foot in, let alone rejoiced at discovering in my pre-child years, yet it seemed like some sort of nirvana yesterday.

And next week we are going to a caravan in Poole! And there will be entertainment for the children! And a beach!

Having children makes you really really really appreciate the moments when you DON'T have them around, in a way that you could not comprehend were you to have remained childless. So that's good, isn't it?

Although I hate the thought of polygamy, other women around the house is always fun. When my sister comes to stay, the things my Dc's do (that would usually really annoy me) just make me laugh when she is here. It's as if you lose your sense of humour and perspective when you're on your own with them.

I remember being a SAHM to my 6 DC's. I wanted to take a lipstick and write 'HELP ME' all over the walls, just so DH would know how I felt. He thought I had it so easy, being at home all day long.

I never did it, but I was close to madness when they were small. It gets better as they become less dependent on you.

What a brilliant, brilliant thread (apart from the flakey cakey moment or several).

Prior to kids I was a secondary teacher. I went back after dd1 was born, though it was hard as I had quite nasty PND. I was then very ill during my pregnancy with ds, and decided not to go back to work - not just because of the illness, but also because of the fact I wanted to be at home for a while with my kids.

Having been a fair bit of a feminist (still am), the people who understood this least were my childless or unmarried feminist friends - as if staying at home was letting the feminist side down somewhat. Or a big lot!

I then unexpectedly got pg with dd2, and this time I was very, very ill, in hospital 17 times during the pregnancy and following few months, airlifted out to larger hospital because of risk to her from my illness, severe PND and ongoing health issues that still plague me today. Severe strain on my mariage (but amazing dh, so all is well) and on other kids.

If you had said to me 2 years ago was it all worth it, I am not sure I wold have said yes. Now - I would. I would not wish the pain, physical and emotional and mental distress our whole family has suffered, on anyone. I wish someone had been good enough to tell me what having kids was like - though I would never have listened, I know that now.

I wouldn't wish my problems on my worst enemy. I would never choose to go through it again, and we are not having any more children (though a bit of me is sad about this, I know I can't, it would kill me, literally, or at least cost me a kidney).

But if someone could wave a magic wand and take away all the pain, the hospital admissions, the social workers, the arguments, the grumpy unhelpful doctors, the sleepless nights, the depression, the suicide attempts that I have suffered over the last 6 years (though mostly now all the is gone, esp the *** SW!), but the price of that was that they took away even one of my babies, then I would choose to bear the pain.

Motherhood scars you in ways you can never see from the outside. I bear my stretchmarks with pride - I grew three babies in there, and thats the cost (and the three little ones who never made it past 12 weeks). But the mental and emotional scars are far deeper and more lasting. Yet they too are worth it, proudly displayed if you like.

Next week, little dd2 will go off to school for the first time. I never thought I would live to see it in my darkest moments. Sometimes, I didn't plan to see it . But here it has happened, and here I am, loud and proud and a Mummy.

I have given up a teaching career and hope to go into adult education of one kind or another and have been studying again. I would never have done that if I hadn't had kids. They have changed me: I am a much better person for it all.

Now, what was the point of all that again? Looks like I just bared my soul. I'm crying, but in a good way.

weegiemum, big hugs to you. I think I may know a little of what you've gone through. I was OK during pregnancy but then DS arrived very quickly and unexpectedly 6 weeks early. I had no pain releif and hadn't relaly been at all prepared for it. The midwfie actually described it as a fast and 'vicous' labour.
looking back I know I suffered PTSD, although the GP kept insisting it was PND. My sexuality took a huge hit and I coudlnt' bear to have anyone touching my genitals or boobs for ages.

I didn't want to BF and got forced into it by HV, DS didn't latch on and lost loads fo weight and I bled everywhere until DH put his foot down and said that his wife was crying and fainting, his baby was screaming and getting smaller and smaller, and surely it couldn't be good for DS to be drinking blood (he honestly was cos I was bleeding into his mouth).

DS (3) was VERY ill for his first 2-3 yrs until we managed to get a diagnosis of lactose intolerance. He has a speech delay which is only now catching up due to beign so ill for so long and other developmental issues (probable hyperactive)

I got diagnosed last year with a liflong neurological condition, which affects my ability to work and means I can't drive.

I had ot give up my job as caring for DS was a f/t job in itself.

My relationship with DH nearly broke down earlier this year and we were on the verge of seperation.

I wouldn't give DS back now - because he is a real person and I love him to bits. But if I could go back in time I wouldn't get pregnant - I just can't imagine why peopel say I am an awful person for wanting to wipe out the past 3 yrs.

Hell now i'm crying, motherhood is so sodding hard and I had no idea what it woudl be like. It just seems so bloody unfair - you take on this job with very limited information. Then it turns out to be far far worse than you could have ever imagined, and yet people keep telling you you should be grateful for it and enjoy the hell your life has become?!?!?

I actually get really pissed off sometimes with smug women who did get that lovely bonding experience and had easy (easier) babies. I mean they DID (according to them) get lovely warm glow from BFing in the mdidle of the night, and they enjoyed having a baby. I got no hormone 'reward' like that and my baby was too ill to say mama, learn to talk or walk so I got very few other 'rewards/good moment' but I STILL gave up my job, put my life on hold, got up at 1am, 3am and 5am for 3 years.

god - enough blather.

I do think having kids is generally a good thing though, I see people who dont' have kids and often their lives seem to get stuck in a comfort zone. I think kids help challange you and move you forward.

Weegiemum, I think you're right that often the childless feminists (I know and work with a lot of these, mostly deliberately childless) do tend to see SAHMs as letting the side down. That is one of the things I'd say is a failure of feminism, the lack of valuing of childcaring.

We did live commune-style for a while, when we first had children, with my sister and her partner. It did work well in terms of sharing childcare but by the time we had a 4th child in 4 years betweeen us it was seeming crowded. So my sister and partner moved to a house down the road and we still share a lot of childcare (they both work part time). But the main downside was having to live with other people's parenting styles. I am very close to my sister and like her dp a lot, before we had children we all lived together pretty happily. But it's hard living with someone else's toddler, quite honestly, if you have different expectations of what's acceptable behaviour.

It wasn't insurmountable, we'd probably have stayed living together if we hadn't physically grown out of that house too, but I was surprised how hard it is to share childcare and parenting even with people you have a great deal in common with. We all 4 of us have pretty similar views on the world in general but not really about childcare.

"What I'd really like to know is, what kind of living situation would take away much or all of this massive downside of having kids? I have this lovely fantasy of co-housing or community living being the answer, where like in tribal cultures the women are together doing their domestic tasks, there are always other adults around to call on for help or just to be sociable with, and your productive and useful work could take place within the community where you live, instead of having to go away somewhere."

Oh fuck, TOTALLY!! Probably thee most important point on this entire thread - and there are many!!

I spent a week in one of these set-ups when DS1 was a baby and it was HORRENDOUS!!

The bickering over every domestic detail and whose turn it was to do what;

The extremists drawn to such set-ups who thought health inspectors worried about the safety of the water supply were just making a fuss;

Attributing ill-feeling among people camping in the field around the central house to 'ley lines' (sp?)

The terrible judgmentalism among the parents about how they were raising their children and whether or not they agreed with home education

Nothing on earth would persuade me that communal living is where it's at!!

There is a saying isn't there - that it takes a village to raise a child. And that is probably the kind of community that would work for most of us. Not all in the same house or commune - but living within easy walking distance with an informal system of coming in and out of each others' homes and sharing childcare and domestic chores - kids playing together. Maybe some common green space or common gardens, as well as some private garden. Having work in the same area would be very helpful.

weegiemum, your post had made me cry. You have said it all for me. Especially the bit about taking away all the bad stuff but the price for that being giving up one of my babies....absolutely no way, never, ever. I am so glad i read your post, i really have been feeling so down lately, not in the least bit happy with my lot, and i think i need to think about it all or some of it being taken away for me to appreciate what i have.

Sorry, this is a bit off topic, but couldn't help it, i had to respond to weegie.

Except I don't want madly to be doing domestic tasks, not ones that men aren't doing, anyway.

There is that, MI. I don't particularly aspire to be sitting round the village well doing the household laundry while chatting to the other village wives either. I would rather be uncommunally alone at my computer.

and as for living with or near my parents or Dp's parents and sharing any aspects of our lives. aaasarrrggghhhhh.

Fennel - we would need to have the right kind of families to make that work. I lived overseas for some years in countries where the extended family was very strong. It was clearly very dependent on the kind of family you were blessed with. It did often seem to me that many people's lives were dominated by the influence and approval of their families in a way most of us would find unbearable (and indeed I think many of them found it so). But when it worked, it was a tremendous support network.

I think I'd like to split my time between being alone with my beloved pc and sitting around the village well gossiping (just not with my family TYVM).

The worst thing that no -ones tells you is the humiliation. I never take mine to the supermarket if i can avoid it and airports have been a total hell. It a 'pride swallowing siege'

ROFL at specialmagiclady thinking about sexgod Paul every night before she sleeps and only just realising she used to be sexy before she had the kids!!

Great thread!

I love my boy but I hate the trapped feeling I have in my life now.

I want to go to the theatre.

I want to go out with friends and drink wine and eat pizza.

I want to not feel guilty every day because I don't feel I am doing enough for my son.

I want to sleeeeeeep!

I want people to not act like I am a diseased rat when I tell them that I am a sahm.

I have never felt less valued as a person than as a mother. No one told me you handed over your identity when you gave birth and became a nappy changing, clothes washing, dinner making, hoovering zombie.

And I hate that every time a thought like that enters my head I am frightened that something bad will happen to my boy as a punishment to my selfish ways.

there was a link to this on another thread...
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this has GOT to be resurrected!

i find playing with my children very boring. and i truly hate craft activities. paint is just not worth the mess.

funny thing is, when my girls were toddling, i used to DREAM of them being 5 and 7 and able to do stuff for themselves.

now they ARE 5 and 7 and i'm bloody broody again. Someone give me a slap to snap me out of it!

This is a very interesting thread for someone who is childfree (not trolling - I joinied MN as part of my decision-making process about children).

The feelings that many of you have expressed very eloquently are exactly the feelings that I fear I would have as a mother. I like children - I have much younger siblings and have worked as a nanny. The only way I can describe my POV is that I would like to have children; I just don't want to be a mother.

My question is: if so many mothers feel this way, why do those of us who are CF get such a hard time from mothers? I literally get treated as if there is something wrong with me. It is bizarre - on the one hand mothers say "parenting is an incredibly hard job", but when I reply "I believe you and I don't think it's for me", I get treated like a pariah. Most of the time I just let people assume I'm infertile, so I don't get the grief.

So, I'd like to thank all the posters on this thread for being so honest - I wish there were more people out there like you.

BTW, I just loved "^kids ruin your life, there is no doubt in my mind. accept it. you'll feel better for it.
they also make you happy, for brief periods. although in my darker moments i wonder if that's just stockholm syndrome. ^"

have not read all of thread sorry!

But yes, I find motherhood unspeakably dull a lot of the time, so fed up with bloody parks and swings, farms etc. Sometimes think I'm too selfish to be a Mum I just want to read my paper in peace!!

The boredom does get to me though and the constant feeling of irritability forever having to sort things out, smile politely and talk about dcs with other parents when I really want to talk about something else.

I Do miss my hedonistic pre dd party lifestyle esp now I'm pg with number 2. My savour since dd has been a few glasses of wine a few evening a week and the odd night out with dh. But I'm having another despite all of this, something compelled me to do it, due in Sept and tbh perfectly honest when i think of what's ahead I do get a bit scared. But I love dd so much I wouldn't ever go back to that old lifestyle.

Just want a formula to make playing with toddlers less dull!!!

Change it to "The Parenthood Delusion" and this could be the title of a book!

(Not read whole 20-page thread so apologies if someone has already said that...)

Dads often think "how the fuck did I get here?" too. More often than we are allowed to admit!

Favourthebrave, your posts are wonderful. I can't think of anything you've said that I disagree with.

'What Mothers Do' is a wonderful book and I think expresses very well the weird 'condition of early motherhood' which seems to actually last until your children are a lot older than one might suspect. I reckon it probably lasts until after they're at school and have some tiny measure of independence and ability to manage their own lives. I don't know yet. DD is nearly three so I'm still in the thick of her mixing the Play-Doh colours together and not being able to understand why you have to put the Brio away before you get the farm out (because there isn't enough space on the floor for both, as many of you may live in larger houses than mine!)

I do really like my daughter and I like being a mother but it is the truth that it's a grind and it's hard and it's quite dull a lot of the time, even when you love them beyond reason. I was a teenager when my smallest brother was born and it put me off having a baby for nearly twenty years. I saw at first hand the horrible drudgery of being at someone else's beck and call 24 hours a day 7 days a week without let up, and worse - being at the beck and call of someone with no sense, no off button and no ability to reason. My mum used to say 'You only really love them properly when they're asleep' and at the time I thought she was being absolutely horrible but I do see what she means now. Of course you love them when they're awake but you also feel immensely irritated a fair percentage of the time. When they're asleep, you look at their perfect tiny faces and long for them to wake up because you've forgotten that they're going to bore the arse off you.

Interestingly, when I had my daughter, my mum saw it from the other side and was slightly shocked to realise how hard and boring it looks from the outside.