The Motherhood Delusion

[SantaLucia]

A thread to safely house all the thoughts that you are ashamed to admit. Example:

Why did we have children?

When does it all become worth it?

The day my child was born was NOT the best day of my life (it was my wedding) and I absolutely remember the pain and the boredom of being in hospital.

I can't be bothered reading about child development.

The health visitor is not worth a trip in the rain with a sleeping baby.

Thank goodness I'm over that "newborn" stage. Roll on year 5!

I think the most important quality is self-belief. Closely followed by a good sense of humour, sense of perspective and and ability to let it go.

Honeydew, I really wanted to respond to your post. My first thought is that your kids must be small.

You will write your book.
Everything you do now will come back to you tenfold.
Put Radio 4 or really loud music on when doing the dreaded housework and only ever do the bare minimum.
Don't underestimate the impact of being in constant pain - it's really hard, if not impossible to be positive in any situation, let alone dealing with 3 children. Can I also just say fuck the yummy mummies fuck them. Don't compare your inside with their outsides. I really feel for you and feel like you do sometimes. It's so relentless - but NOTHING is more important.

I don't like being sensible all the time. And I'm very sensible by nature, but it's the having to be sensible thing that's just such a drag.

And holidays. They're different aren't they? You can't stay in a hotel unless you like nights and nights cooped up in a hotel bedroom making sure they don't choke or something. So you rent houses or villas and it's the same old washing/cooking/cleaning schtick that you get at home.

Art galleries. I used to love art galleries. Unfortunately the DC's don't

I don't want to be a mum.... when my mother says, 'ahh but you wouldn't be without him' theres a bit of me that whispers 'yes I would'. I am rubbish it at it and just feel its another thing to add to my sense of inadequacy. Have thought (and said) that he would be better off with dp. Some of us are just not cut out for this.....

This is the best thread ever!! So liberating- always felt i was in the minority to think bad mother thoughts. so agree with Crackfox regarding the words you say in your head to a screaming toddler while the words that you say outloud are sympathetic.
Also Communion- completely agree - thought i would be the best ever mum, am now struggling to do anything other than guarantee their survival!!(even then touch and go when one dc is beating up another while i've had the temerity to go for a wee)

Must just say lifesavers for me have been

1. MN (of course)
2. having my own blog
3. finally making some mummy friends I feel a real affinity with at the older ones pre-school. People who actually get it.
4. MOST importantly going back to work part-time (3 days) after DC2. Am very lucky that it does cover decent childcare and a little bit more but despite the worry re the children's welfare and emotional well-being, the hassle of recruiting a decent nanny, the checks, coping with someone else in your house etc etc I LOVE WORKING now and I did not feel so enthusiastic about it this when working full-time after my DC1. This despite the fact DH is really not around during the week and works til 10 pm regularly and sort of wanders around cluelessly at weekends or hides in the paper unless directed. After 3 days at work I am dying to spend time with them. After 4 days at home you won't see me for dust as I bolt at 6.45 am...

I hated my wedding and wish I had put my foot down and told dh to do it the way I wanted it or not at all. He got round me by degrees so that once I'd said OK to one thing it was like a rolling stone and in the end he had the wedding he wanted which was nothing like the one I wanted.

I never wanted children and there are many many times when I wish I hadn't as it has cost me so much.

(I read Communion's comment about the Mummy Myth and it reminded me of MIL telling me how fulfilled I must be as a woman now I'd had dd. I just looked at her aghast!)

"Motherhood destroys your value as a woman in your own right "

honeydew - that is horribly right I am afraid. You have to fight like crazy to keep some semblance of independence. I have always had a job whilst I have my children, and for years I resented that so much. I almost hated my DH for making me leave my DC (I was and still am the main earner). And it was bloody hard. Most of the housework and childcare to deal with still, and a full-time job. But it meant that when I emerged from the fug of exhaustion and stress of pre-school motherhood, I was still in the thick of it job wise. And in some ways I am glad I had to tough it out. During that time I was pretty miserable, resentful and worn out. I don't think that working with young DC is any better than being at home with them unless you can afford wrap around childcare and help in the home.

But ....and this is the main thing, it will pass. Light will dawn and you will wake up one day and hear the birds singing and look at the children you have made and love them, be proud of them, and still go out have a life of your own again.

My only regret is that I didn't enjoy those early years wholeheartedly. Because I couldn't. It was a slog. And made worse by the fact that I loved my DC to distraction and felt guilty that I didn't like being with them all the time.

"And holidays. They're different aren't they? You can't stay in a hotel unless you like nights and nights cooped up in a hotel bedroom making sure they don't choke or something."

Why can't you stay in a hotel? A negative view, IMO. We've just done exactly that for two weeks abroad with a two-year-old. We weren't "cooped up" at all. In fact the most we did in the room was get ready and sleep. At night, DS played with the other kids after dinner and then after that we put him to bed and DH and I had some time to ourselves on the balcony. It was so lovely to be able to relax and have fun together as a family without all the usual mundane constraints of life, eg cooking, housework, work etc etc etc.... A proper holiday.

I love my girls but there are times when i feel my life has turned to absolute shit

there are some nice moments, funny moments, happy moments but they seem to be interspersed with lots of boredom, loneliness, depression, stress and annoyance

dd2 is a gorgeous baby but I find myself wishing the time away so that life would get easier and I could do stuff again

I wish that I could like my elder son more. It makes me feel so incredibly guilty that I don't like him very much at the moment.

He's always been so much hard work- picky eater, didn't sleep through the night till he was six (yes, that's six YEARS old), whiny, clingy. A totally different character from ds2.

I know that a lot of it is due to the fact that I dislike his father and can see a lot of the traits that he had in ds1, but it's also that I don't understand ds1's character as it's so different from mine.

I feel bad that I look forward to the weekends when he's with his dad, just so there are no arguments/tantrums in the house (especially with DH, whom ds1 seems to love winding up. He has admitted this to me, too.)

He is a sensitive child, sometimes, and adores his little brother. And sometimes we get on well. Just not much of the time, atm.

One of the main problems I think is that until the feminist ''revolution'', the women were expected to stay at home and look after the kids. Now, thankfully we have had a taste of freedom, work, travel and independance but having kids takes us back to square one. Does anyone feel like their men expect them to stay at home and give up their careers now they are a mum? Do you sense relief from the men in your life that now you are doing your ''proper'' role?
I am confused by my dad. When I was young he urged me to have a career and now dd is here he wants me to give it all up and has been banging on about the days when women stayed at home all day. Wanker.
I was sooo broody and I didn't mind giving up my career but I do feel like just a mum. I sometimes think that mabe society does value mums as a lot of my nieghbours have started talking to me now I have dd so there is some value attached to the role. However, it will be hard to convince those of us with previously high-flying jobs and seemingly limitless opportunities.
Lets face it a life of washing clothes, phoovering and groundhog -like routine is galling isn't it. And oh- the lack of spontenaity kills me.
Part of me dosn't want more kids but then another part of me thinks - well it's too late, I'm a mum now I might as well keep going. (If I ever find mr. right anyway!)

re the things you need to be to be a mum - it's such a mixture, but an ability to adapt and be happy with what you've got/look on the positive side does help. My ability to do that comes and goes = I have no excuse - I have two beautiful healthy children, a lovely dp, a nice (if rather ramshackle!) house, a reasonable job etc etc, but sometimes it's just the sheer exhaustion means you can't see what you've got. Sometimes I have no idea what I'm miserable about (or I'm way too miserable about the laundry pile to be wholly rational iyswim). Other mums I meet seem to be able to take it all in their stride more.

So many of us will have spent the first 30 years of our lives beating ourselves to do the very best we can at school, uni, job, that when we start on the mother role, it's hard that we don't get a promotion, or an A or whatever. But then the little hugs and kisses should make up for that. I think it's basically the exhaustion = when things are anything less than perfect at home, it all starts to come apart and I feel responsible.

i don't think thatmost women take it in their stride better - just hide it better.

I think that looking after dd is better than my former career as I hated my former career anyway! I genuinely do love being mum most of the time as I get to spend tiome with my favourite person. It's just a grind at times and it was a massive shock. I am a very adventurous, spontanious person and I feel like that has taken a back seat for now.
I think that it is important to stay positive and mabe a housework fairy would help too!

Sorry, I cannot be arsed to read the whole thread , but I agree with much of what has been said about repetition, hard slog and tiredness (oh, and swearing at them under your breath - a lot),

BUT. Once mine turned 5 and 8 respectively, I started to feel like my head was above water again. I actually enjoy being with them most of the them, am no longer desperate to get away from the, am SO proud of them.

I still find it hard to cope being spoken to as if i were something on the bottom of someone's shoe. though

has anyone picked up a copy of 'buddhism for mothers' by sarah napthali? i cannot recommend it highly enough for those of us who have struggled with motherhood (as i certainly have - this thread brings up so many familiar themes for me! though mine are now 5 and 8 and life is a walk in the park, studded with confrontation as it still frequently is, compared to the pre-school years, AAAARGH)and who struggle with identity loss, post-babies. it is brilliant. it has turned my life around - it doesn't set out to convert anyone to buddhism (though it's certainly got me thinking but is a book for mothers, for caring for OURSELVES and to help us manage our emotions around dealing with motherhood, rather than YET ANOTHER childcare manual. just a thought. hugs to you all xxx

ps screaming abdad, i could have written your post - the whole thing, including the bit about 5 and 8 being the head above water stage - and the bit about being spoken to like you're something on the sole of a certain small person's shoe!

katie Thanks. I shall have a look at that. I have flirted with the idea of finding out more about buddhism, anyway.

What strikes me is how scarily Mature you need to be to be a good parent - to really have the ability to understand yourself, and how your feelings and experiences impact on your parenting. It is such a steep learning curve.

I do find it so interesting, though I am so glad I have done it (am doing it).

Christ, my punctuation !

"I do find it so interesting, though. I am so glad I have done it (am doing it)"

When I come on MN, I find I am drawn to the Beh/Dev threads about toddlers. I so wish I could have had some more advice at that time. It was bloody infuriating !

you know screaming, i am the same. i often lurk on the demanding toddler type threads, even though - thank god - mine are now beyond that stage, simply bcs i feel so much for people still fighting that particular set of battles - i've been so marked by that stage of parenthood and did not have MN or much else in the way of support then either. my older child is exceedingly volatile and demanding, as well as bright, inquisitive, curious...but from 3-6, say, life was, shall, we say, CHALLENGING. to use that handy little euphemism beloved of us mothers!

the buddhism for mothers book is difficult to obtain at the moment, is the only problem - might be worth trying second hand bookseller sites if it's not readily available on amazon and the like. i can't speak highly enough of it. it's all about the sort of stuff you mention - how having children FORCES you to grow into yourself and face up to what you really are inside - whether you like what you find or not . meditating daily gives me the strength and inner peace i need to get through the battles, and helps me cultivate that oh-so-key quality, patience.

Blimey, same here ! 18 months-4, DS1 was very hard, very tantrummy. He will always, I think, worry me more than DS2 (Although he is a beautiful complicated clever boy).

Partly because he is like me in ways I don't like ! But, I suppose if I can accept him how he is, then I can learn to accept myself.

I knew that I had posted on this thread before, I searched on my name and I had, about 10 months ago and my posts make me sad, that I just haven't enjoyed it as much as I thought.

I constantly feel like a failure, I said to my friend today, 'I'm going to be better at this next time' and she told me off . My daughter is actually delightful, but just exhausting and wearing like any 2 year old. Everyone comments on how lovely and bright and happy she is. I just tell them it is by accident rather than design and down to benign neglect. My friend said I really need to start accepting credit for it.

I will be better next time.

As horrible as it is to focus on the negatives, it's great that we can be so open about how motherhood isn't always a barrel of laughs.

I had a pregnant friend over for lunch a while ago and I let it slip that it's quite a difficult time, and take help when it's offered etc after the baby comes along..
then I realised I should have kept my mouth shut as she really just needs to find out for herself..or does she? was I not being helpful in telling her it can be shit sometimes being a mum? especially in the early days when you are so exhausted from sleep deprivation. I could go on about other aspects, but some have already been covered by other posters here..

more should be publicised about how crap motherhood can be. yes, it's lovely at times, but there are many dark days along the way. Why can't we just be honest about it more often??

Why?? with DS1 didnt know any better
with DS2 too busy to remember to take minipill on time & felt sorry for "neglected" DH

Its worth it when you over hear complete strangers saying lovley things about DC to their friend behind your back - (even better when up until that point they have been a total little **it, amazing how you forget it all & suddenly love them again!

best day of my life was day came home with DS1 (&2) even though no one told me I would be walking like John Wayne and livng on painkillers

I like a good book & have good HV

BUT

Why did it take 2 kids for me to realise that i really didnt need to bother as i already had one at home - DH

We went into this 50/50 but why is it more like 90/10

and im another one who shouts swear words at the top of my voice - in my head

most shocking confession - sometimes when DS1 is climbing or up to no good i actually want him to fall & hurt himself just so I can say told you so - you should listen to mummy!

An

wow! im pregnant and just thought id have a look at the parenting forum to get an idea of what id let myself in for lol! got Much more than i bargained on . i have actually read the whole thread! which i guess many of you won't have had the time to do? As i was reading i had many issues i wanted to raise/question but decided to finish the tread before commenting so here are those i still remember....

i think this thread has been good for me (even if totally terrifying a bit scarey), and possibly will save me from the 'rose colored spectacle syndrome' i feel i was inclined towards.

regarding the suggestion that it is ungrateful etc to complain about motherhood, i can say that my first son was stillborn and i am totally against the thinking that because others have bad expereiences/ infertility ect mothers should 'put up and shut up' as it were. it is childish thinking that i feel society encourages. eg. 'there are starving people in the world...so eat all your dinner' mentallity, teaches children not to listen to/ respect thier bodies requirements for food and poss? leads to overeating and obesity?

re feminism. one point that wasnt mentioned is that of finances in a post feminism world. surely the issue should be that women should have the choice about whether or not to work and raise a family? not be forced to do it all out of shear necessity. i think that generally (adverage mans income) the mans wage/salary is no longer enough to keep a family as it is assumed that a household has two income providers whereas in the past men earned relatively more because this was not the societal assumption? consequetally women working is less of a choice now than before?

lastly, i am absolutely decided, having read this not to have babies one after the other! i was thinking perhaps 4 years gap would be clever as when one goes to school the other arrives and so it wont be too hectic?????????? what do others think about best age gap? or urm perhaps this is wishful thinking and i will stop gladly at one