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Original poster

Do you think the SAHM "model" is the one to which parents (& parents to be) aspire?

220 replies

lizinthesticks · 07/08/2008 16:58

Is mum at home w/ the baby the ideal that most people are hoping to realise? And if not, what is?

Obviously in the absence of a large scale survey it's impossible to answer this question. But what's your impression?

Me, I don't know. I think the ideal SHOULD be a 50 / 50 arrangement - both parents sharing childcare and work. But I don't think others in general share this idea. And I suspect the SAHM is still pretty popular - as an ideal, i.e.

But it's really hard to know.

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findtheriver · 07/08/2008 18:53

'I think it's sad that more educated women don't see the value of being at home. Who better to raise your kids than you?'

Lynsey - I'm sure you don't mean to offend, as your post sounds reasonable in other respects, but this exactly the kind of statement that really annoys people.
For the record, parents who work do raise their children. Whether they work part or full time. Would anyone dare suggest that a full time working father is not 'raising' his children? No.

It's about recognising that the parents are ALWAYS the central figures in a child's life, that they are the people the child loves most, and they are the biggest influence in the child's life. That doesnt preclude other aspects of childcare.
My 3 children have been raised by DH and me. They have benefited from fantastic experiences at nursery, and later on at school, and now that they are older they naturally spend more time with their own friends too.
But we are their parents and we raise them!

PrincessPeaHead · 07/08/2008 18:55

so did/does anyone here aspire to be a SAHM?

Lots of us are/have been/will be when it suits but who here ASPIRED/ASPIRES to be a SAHM and thought "that's it, that's all I want to do, I will die fulfilled?"

I just can't see it myself

PrincessPeaHead · 07/08/2008 18:56

excuse me lyndsey, I was raised by my mother. she always worked as a gp, some part time, some full time, but she raised me. (oh, and my father, but he was much more marginal. and bizarre )

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FluffyMummy123 · 07/08/2008 18:57

Message withdrawn

Backgammon · 07/08/2008 18:59

I had an interesting conversation with DH the other day. His Mum was a SAHM, then when they were older worked p/t in the evenings in a low-skilled admin position. It's a job she still does now.

In the 20 odd years she's been doing that job she's had her pay cut three times, she hates it but she does it because she doesn't have the confidence to try to do anything else.

DH is a pretty introverted character and he said to me the other day that he thinks he struggles so hard when meeting new people because he was always at home with his mother (I'm not at all saying all SAHM's do this btw, just that she did).

They both seem to have regrets about how things panned out, aspiring to any model is flawed - there are pros and cons to all of them.

TheCrackFox · 07/08/2008 19:00

TBH - I aspire to being really rich, not working and having a nanny. didn't aspire to be SAHM but suits for now. Will go back to work soonish as youngest is starting nursery scool soon. Never really been much of a planner.

meemar · 07/08/2008 19:22

Maybe aspire is the wrong word. It's a loaded word because it's about aiming for something 'better'.

Deciding to be a SAHM or not, is ultimately about doing the right thing for you and your children/family.

I always knew that when I had children I wanted to be a SAHM while they were little. Education, job fulfillment and ambition were not as important to me. I still got educated. I went to university and had a career before I had my kids. But at the end of the day I knew that I wanted my kids to be my main job when I had them.

I don't know if that counts as aspiring, but I'm doing what I set out to do.

Someone else earlier on the thread said the ideal is to be able to have the choice. I completely agree with that.

Original poster
lizinthesticks · 07/08/2008 19:24

"Who better to raise your kids than you?"

Well, how about you AND your partner.

OP posts:
cthea · 07/08/2008 19:25

"I think it's sad that more educated women don't see the value of being at home. Who better to raise your kids than you?" Oh, do fuck off.

NorkyButNice · 07/08/2008 19:35

Hell no - I couldn't stay at home with DS all day - would go insane. Much as I love him, I need to be using my brain in an intelligent manner and conversing with adults throughout the day

Saying that, if we have another child and send him/her to the same nursery as DS will be attending in London, that would swallow up my entire salary, so not sure what I'd choose to do in that case.

DH is quite keen on being a SAHD so he'd maybe stay home with the DC while I worked.

Acinonyx · 07/08/2008 19:37

"I think it's sad that more educated women don't see the value of being at home. Who better to raise your kids than you?"

Maybe someone who doesn't get bored beyond endurance? I think it's a personality not an intelligence thing. I love being PT and having time with dd - but SAHM would send me bonkers. There is never a day when I think I don't want dd to go to her childminder. If I had to SAHM, it would not be good for either of us.

It's not about seeing the value. I can see the value. That doesn't make me like it 24/7, 7 days/week. Seeing the value is not enough for some of us. Matyrdom doesn't suit me.

TheCrackFox · 07/08/2008 19:43

Norky - I am a SAHM and I use my brain in a intgelligent manner. What an odd thing to say!

NorkyButNice · 07/08/2008 19:52

Good for you TheCrackFox - unfortunately when I was on maternity leave I spent the majority of my time watching bad daytime telly and eating too much.

That wasn't a sweeping statement that SAHM's don't ever use their brains

Quattrocento · 07/08/2008 19:54

Aspire?

If you polled a random number of 8 year olds about what they want to be when they grow up ...

I bet none would say SAHM

If you polled a random number of 18 year olds about what they want to be in 10 years' time ...

I bet a very very few would say SAHM

TheCrackFox · 07/08/2008 19:56

No - most young girls now aspire to be like Jordan, which is just great.

FluffyMummy123 · 07/08/2008 19:57

Message withdrawn

LynseyKCalvert · 07/08/2008 19:59

My post seems to have been taken out of context. I see there's not much benefit of the doubt here so I'll be mindful in future to be more clear.

My point was referring to this notion that only poorly educated women from a lower social class would choose to be a SAHM. Which imo is rubbish.(As I said before I would like to see more opportunities for men to take more of an active part in parenting so when I refer to women it's only because that is sadly the norm atm)

Some people actually like being with their children and don't see it as martrdom. Why is that so offensive.

I support the right to choose how to raise a family but I don't see much choice in our society. I know many women who are forced to work full-time and due to finances their kids end up spending 40+ hours per week in group daycare and I don't think that's a good thing for society.

I don't think many people are satisfied by "just" their job or "just" being mum/dad and I don't think we should be compelled to choose either.

TheCrackFox · 07/08/2008 20:00

No I am not Shite Hawk.

OrmIrian · 07/08/2008 20:00

Not my ideal but my fantasy I suppose. I have this vision of being at home all day wafting about in pretty dresses and laying my baby to kick on a blanket on the lawn with apple blossom falling all around him. And my house would be spotless, there would always be the smell of baking bread and my linen cupboard would be perfect. Reality of course would be grubby house, burnt bread and a bottle of vino opened by 5.....

TheCrackFox · 07/08/2008 20:03

I used to think that rich Victorians were incredibly cruel - you know, the DCs being brought down by Nanny for half an hour after dinner. Now that I have DCs I think they might be onto something.

pointydog · 07/08/2008 20:04

I have never considered an ideal to which most people aspire. I think different people come up with their own best options in the circumstances.

findtheriver · 07/08/2008 20:05

I don't think anyone has said only poorly educated women from lower class backgrounds choose to be SAHM.
What people have said, is that if you are from that background, you may have less choice, and less ability to pay for good quality childcare.
As I said before, I think many of the points you make are reasonable Lynsey, but it is absolutely NOT TRUE that only families with one parent at home full time are raising their children. We ALL raise our children.

berolina · 07/08/2008 20:08

I aspire to be a SAHM, and I have a DPhil from Oxford (and a job to go back to PT in a couple of weeks, but as yet no 'career', tbh). However, if I could afford to SAH I would also almost certainly study, write, translate, volunteer.

dh and I have actually always had a variously shared model - never exactly 50/50, because it doesn't work like that, but definitely very shared. And it is really very good for the children, IMO. It has come about more by accident than by design, as we are both very much at the beginning of our (ha) 'careers', and has had definite downsides, but has also been very beneficial in all sorts of ways.

OrmIrian · 07/08/2008 20:10

"Who better to raise your kids than you?"

Bugger me! Just about anyone? I love them and I do my best....but is the best I can say. The fact that I am out at work between the hours of 9 and 5 doesn't mean I am not raising them and giving them my time for much of the day. But I can confidently say that the work for which I get paid can, at the moment, only be done by me.

berolina · 07/08/2008 20:12

Oh and I do feel it is, all things considered, usually best for children up to a certain age (which varies wildly from child to child) to be mostly with their parent/s, but find this notion that WOHM do not 'raise' their children themselves intensely annoying and inaccurate.