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Original poster

Do you think the SAHM "model" is the one to which parents (& parents to be) aspire?

220 replies

lizinthesticks · 07/08/2008 16:58

Is mum at home w/ the baby the ideal that most people are hoping to realise? And if not, what is?

Obviously in the absence of a large scale survey it's impossible to answer this question. But what's your impression?

Me, I don't know. I think the ideal SHOULD be a 50 / 50 arrangement - both parents sharing childcare and work. But I don't think others in general share this idea. And I suspect the SAHM is still pretty popular - as an ideal, i.e.

But it's really hard to know.

OP posts:
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findtheriver · 07/08/2008 18:08

Really noonki? So how will you square that on your deathbed, where you'll be glad that you haven't worked?!

Chocolateteapot · 07/08/2008 18:10

No I don't aspire to the SAHM model. It is one I have done for a good few years, I've also done some full time work and am currently working part time from home.

When DS goes to school full time in January, I might think about looking into doing the Ph.D I was about to start when I got pregnant with DD. Basically I will continue to do what is right for us as a family at a given moment in time, given our circumstances at that particular time.

As do my RL friends. Everyone I know just gets on with things, recognising that the choices that other people have made are just that, their own individual choices made by them for their family and not an implied criticism of other families and their choices.

noonki · 07/08/2008 18:10

worked more findtheriver

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
jellybeans · 07/08/2008 18:14

I think it is up to what works for the family but that SAHP (not necc SAHM) is a good idea for babies/young children. Shared childcare/work (ie both part time) is a good idea too. Both f/t is not ideal IMO but each to their own. I think quantity time is just as important as 'quality time'.

I have done f/t,p/t and SAH. I enjoyed p/t and feel f/t and SAH are both harder. I am a SAHM now due to DH job and I am no more dependant on he than he is on me, also most WOHPs are dependant on both wages so few are truly financially independant. I study with the OU in case I need to work financially or otherwise and kids are older AND because it gives me a break mentally!

FluffyMummy123 · 07/08/2008 18:15

Message withdrawn

cthea · 07/08/2008 18:15

I think I'll stick to enjoying my life now rather than making choices out of fear of what I might think on my deathbed.

FluffyMummy123 · 07/08/2008 18:15

Message withdrawn

palaver · 07/08/2008 18:16

not if you have to wear a polycotton uniform cod

Quattrocento · 07/08/2008 18:18

Very wise cthea. After all you might not even die in bed. It would be such a waste to live your entire life in preparation for a deathbed scene only to get run over by a bu.

RoccocoFlourishes · 07/08/2008 18:20

You're all walking into the Daily Mail WEB of misogeny. DON'T defend your choices, whatever they are. They're right for you. The end.

noonki · 07/08/2008 18:20

cod - especially if you work for disneyworld

FluffyMummy123 · 07/08/2008 18:20

Message withdrawn

TheCrackFox · 07/08/2008 18:24

Cod - it is a fact that you get to wear much better clothes if you do not have any DCs.

Original poster
lizinthesticks · 07/08/2008 18:24

"Whatever liz, I've read the OP - you've still posed the question is SAHM the ideal. Why do that? Why not ask what is the ideal? The title of your OP is biased."

The title isn't biased - there is no value judgment (explicit or implicit), there is no gendered assumption, and there is no DM agenda lurking.

Sometimes I think the SAHM model is "back" - I dearly hope it's not as I think it would be a step backwards. But some days I do think most people aspire to it. However, this is only based on anecdotal evidence and some prevalent media and policy stuff.

The thread title asks if the SAHM is currently the ideal to which the generality aspire. It doesn't infer it should be. I personally think it should NOT be, as I said in my OP.

OP posts:
MadamePlatypus · 07/08/2008 18:27

I'm trying to think who I would be aspiring to be if being a SAHM were an aspirational thing. I think probably Samantha in Bewtiched. She has a very nice sofa rather like one that I aspire to have in Heals and she gets to wear matching dresses, coats and shoes.

Thisismynewname · 07/08/2008 18:27

We could all unite and not by the Daily Mail but I have to say I've never met a Mumsnetter who admits to buying it anyway.

sarah293 · 07/08/2008 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

cthea · 07/08/2008 18:29

The trouble is that the DM is online too. E.g you go to a link about Ulrika and before you know it you've been scanning other headlines too.

MadamePlatypus · 07/08/2008 18:29

I think that as stated SAHMs who have knowledge of the occult may be better dressed.

TheCrackFox · 07/08/2008 18:29

I don't buy the DM but am always clicking onto links because of MN.

jellybeans · 07/08/2008 18:30

Women should stop feeling bad about their choices, life's too short. If another mother is doing it different, so what as long as you and yours are happy. Society is fuelled on undermining (women mostly) people so that they can sell tat we don'tneed products which make profit. Keeping people unhappy makes money as does making people insecure about their choices. I think women are made to feel guilty which makes them feel they need to justify their choice or they feel what other people are doing makes them look bad or will threaten their choice. (Both SAHM and WM)

findtheriver · 07/08/2008 18:30

liz - I guessed this thread would kick off, but there was nothing wrong with the title! It seems obvious that you weren't making a value judgement, just raising an issue.
I agree that a return to the SAHM model as what we should aspire to would be a total step backwards. Do we really want to return to the days when people didnt bother educating girls to the same level as boys, and where certain professions were barred to women because it was felt a woman's role was to get married, have babies and stay home doing the housework? I sincerely hope not.

TwoIfBySea · 07/08/2008 18:31

I wouldn't have changed the fact I was a SAHM for anything.

But then there are SAHD who do a great job too.

So there should be a choice.

My ideal would have been for ex-dh to have found a job working regular hours and for me to have a p/t evening job for extra money. Didn't happen but that way I suppose we would have had a better share of the childcare.

goblinvalley · 07/08/2008 18:32

I'm with Riven in that i never aspired to be a SAHM. It was just something that my dh and i decided was best for us at the time, and is possible. Then again, i don't aspire to be a WOHM either

I aspire for my family to be happy.

LynseyKCalvert · 07/08/2008 18:47

I love being at home. I do lots of stuff to keep me busy though. Besides studying for my degree I volunteer as a breastfeeding supporter and am on a couple of committees in my local community. DH earns just enough to keep us in a small home and we get by but we're far from well-off.

I think it's sad that more educated women don't see the value of being at home. Who better to raise your kids than you?

It doesn't have to be a straight choice between work or motherhood/parenthood. We are more than our jobs or parental status.

The (western) world would be a better place if we valued family more, "stuff" less and didn't read OK magazine or the DM!