Who else thinks unconditional parenting is a load of twaddle?

[Pheebe]

OK, now I have your attention ... Firstly I don't...necessarily...but have heard it talked about lots and have looked into it a little and have some 'questions'

How do you make it work in a real life family setting where things just have to get done? How do you make sure your kids make appropriate choices (seems to me you just hope for the best)? How do you avoid your kids growing up as selfish, self centered, spoilt? How do kids brought up this way deal with the rigid control systems of, for example, the school setting. Can the make the transition/separation between home and the outside world?

Hoping for a positive and useful discussion here not a tit for tat criticism of different parenting approaches.

Personally, having thought about how I parent it seems to the a mix of 'unconditional' (which I think would be better described as uncontrolling or some such) and so called 'sugar coated control' (which I think would be better described as directive??)

Anyway over to you...if anyones interested

I have read and been read bits and given a precis by someone v familiar with him.

"It releases you from constant running commentary of inner doubt and confusion."

How very liberating and attractive. But I'm not sure I want to be released from that inner doubt and confusion. Unlike AbbeyA, I didn't grow up feeling loved, I grew up feeling quite definitely unloved and wishing my parents would die so that I could be adopted by more satisfactory candidates.

Going back to my earlier point, that inner doubt and confusion has been my lifeline, and that of my children, because it gave me the impetus to ignore my instincts and the bad advice I was getting from all the lunatics around me and seek a better way. But I am quite cheered to see such strong disagreement from two professionals in the field and I do tend to agree with the proposition that if a child feels loved, a Time-Out/ smack/ sanction will be a triviality. If s/he feels unloved, of course, it will further re-inforce the idea that s/he is unloved and feel like more proof of that. I guess my big insecurity is that because I grew up feeling unloved, I'm never sure I'm doing the right things to ensure my children feel loved - I simply have no template for normal loving family life. And therefore I am quite vulnerable to the AK arguments, some of which I think are really quite common-sense and others which leave me slightly flailing.

I play my parenting by instinct on the whole. dh and I have different styles, so that helps in terms of working out ways when things get a little tricky. I observe friends and think about how I felt as a child. And I Mumsnet. This leaves me feeling no need for parenting books! I am quite interested in how people tick however, and read about change management and other such things (all about adults) I also studied politics and work in a large organisation. This all gives me plenty to think about when I review how my day went with others and with the children.

I don't think it is a good idea to adopt any one principle or method of parenting. I think it makes things too hard work. I accept I am by no means perfect, but that for every row or fight I have with them there are the quiet moments of reflection and love, and I am confident that they know they are loved and special. I think that is the heart of it personally.

I find the idea of always explaining to a small child why you want them to do something and giving them choices non sense. Empathy is quite an advanced skill, and many children do not have a good understanding of the consequences of their behaviour. Actually many adults have this problem too. On the other hand I dislike time out, naughty steps and sticker charts. Probably because when tried they were ineffective (maybe this is because ds is on the very very borderline of AS).

I think you have to learn what works for each individual child at each phase of their life. Pick and choose from the methodologies of friends, relations, mumsnetters and (if you must) books. If you are unsure check with other parents whose style you like - what would they do in your circumstances? Think about their response and adopt the bit you feel comfortable with.

Little Bella - I don't think my childhood was painful in the way yours was. I only occasionally felt unloved but all the same having most definitely experienced being sent to my room as a my parents not loving me, your last sentence "And therefore I am quite vulnerable to the AK arguments, some of which I think are really quite common-sense" is exactly what I was trying to say earlier.

I have started re-reading the book and I am definitely not an 'unconditional parent' but I don't think the ideas are a load of twaddle.