Who else thinks unconditional parenting is a load of twaddle?

[Pheebe]

OK, now I have your attention ... Firstly I don't...necessarily...but have heard it talked about lots and have looked into it a little and have some 'questions'

How do you make it work in a real life family setting where things just have to get done? How do you make sure your kids make appropriate choices (seems to me you just hope for the best)? How do you avoid your kids growing up as selfish, self centered, spoilt? How do kids brought up this way deal with the rigid control systems of, for example, the school setting. Can the make the transition/separation between home and the outside world?

Hoping for a positive and useful discussion here not a tit for tat criticism of different parenting approaches.

Personally, having thought about how I parent it seems to the a mix of 'unconditional' (which I think would be better described as uncontrolling or some such) and so called 'sugar coated control' (which I think would be better described as directive??)

Anyway over to you...if anyones interested

learning conflict resolution, obviously

OMDB - me irrational ...never.... You're right though as I was writing I was thinking this is all about me really and my attitude rather than DS1s.

...gang up against you when they deam you to be being 'unfair'

If they do that I will consider my parenting to have been a success

Learning conflict resolution, yes I see your point...I will see my role as impartial referee then...that may work

Don't worry about giving an inch and them taking a mile, with parenting it's all about consistancy. As long as the rules are always the same, they will understand this. So shouting and forcing him to stay seated through the whole meal one day and letting him get up and run off instantly the next will confuse him and lead to him 'taking a mile', but just insisting he sits at the table until he is finished, and slowly encouraging him, as he gets older, to stay present for longer and longer while encouraging him to do so by talking to him etc. will be consistant and easy for a child to understand, and thus have th desired effect while still keeping you in charge. He has the choice to stay present for longer, but untimately you have given him that choice, so you are still in control.

yy

impartial referee, that is good!

Yes, I think you're right, thanks OMDB. This thread started out a bit shaky but I think I've really got something out of it now thanks

Consistent, authoratative, imparital parenting...shall we right a book???

i've read the whole thread and i'm still not sure i understand what UP is.

Well, me neither tweeni really .

I haven't read the book in full but I have spoken to people, read extracts and reviews etc and it seems to me to be in essence you avoid 'forcing' your children to do 'things' but rather explain why 'things' need to be done and give them the choice of doing them or not. Essentially it seems the approach is to avoid 'controlling' your kids. Happy to be corrected on that of course. As I said earlier in the thread I don't 'do' books in the sense of blindly listening to one persons view so was hoping to avoid reading it and go straight to the people who were making it work in their own lives. Set me up for a fall at the start of the thread though

hmm or perhaps its more asking them if they want to do the things you think need doing and leaving the choice to them...?

the latter part being the bit I was struggling with...

oops, obviously meant 'write' not 'right' before!

so does anyone actually do it?

Doesn't seem that way. No one thats been on this thread anyway!

have posted on here a website with a section on unconditional parenting to ask them to come and talk to us.

Wow, thats brill tweeni, if they would that'd be great

we'll see. it doesn't look very active.

I started off with this kind of approach - this was the kind of parent I wanted to be. Now my kids are 13,10 and 6 and the "because I told you to and I am your mother" approach is becoming the norm. Tempered with loads of love and good humour, alongside a bit of shouting and slamming of doors but I have to say, we all kind of rub along pretty well and it seems to work

just found a simplified view here

Interesting, thanks tweeni, especially the soft porn at the top of the page lolol

soft porn? i have something about ipod nanos!

It's very interesting reading this thread & trying to remember what I did!
DS & DD are 20 & 18 now, & the early years are a bit of a blur - I read some books, because I'm a a rtfm kind of person - Penelope Leach & Miriam Stoppard are two that I remember.

I do remember getting the idea early on ( being told by my sister actually) that the really important thing is to be consistent, but I also remember that I actually abandoned that concept fairly early on - life isn't consistent and 'No, you can't do that today' seemed to be accepted, even if the only reason was 'because Mummy doesn't feel like it, that's why!'

They seem to have come out the other end reasonably satisfactorily - not sure if that sounds comforting or condescending to someone who's going through it all now...

Mercy - think I've only managed to say no to my DD only once in her whole life because she is only 14 months! Tend to distract her away from dangers and I don;t really care if she eats sand, pulls all the leaves off the house plant and generally cause mayhem because I think she's just exploring.
And that's the reason I don't like saying no - because she's a timid little soul (not one of these children who are into everything) and sometimes I feel she's scared to explore, so I want to encourage her as much as poss.
If she was of a different temperament, maybe I would be more strict with her ... don't know, but this is what I'm comfortable with.

Also, as a child I alwys hated teh way my parents never explained why I wasn;t allowed to do anything and I don;t want to put my DD through the same thing.

At the moment, I just let DD throw food around at the dinner table, etc. as she is still so young so not a boundary issue. Have noted OMDB's tactics for when she gets older though.

I think any parenting 'philosophy' / 'plan' / 'trend'/ whatever is a load of twaddle.

"How do you avoid your kids growing up as selfish, self centered, spoilt?"

I have read the book and alot of it is about encouraging your children to be what society calls 'well behaved' not because they will get a sticker or avoid a punishment because it is the right thing to do.
Eg You don't share a toy because Mummy told you to and you will get a sticker if you do or go to the naughty step if you don't. You share a toy because you have noticed that the other child is upset and wants to have a turn.