Who else thinks unconditional parenting is a load of twaddle?

[Pheebe]

OK, now I have your attention ... Firstly I don't...necessarily...but have heard it talked about lots and have looked into it a little and have some 'questions'

How do you make it work in a real life family setting where things just have to get done? How do you make sure your kids make appropriate choices (seems to me you just hope for the best)? How do you avoid your kids growing up as selfish, self centered, spoilt? How do kids brought up this way deal with the rigid control systems of, for example, the school setting. Can the make the transition/separation between home and the outside world?

Hoping for a positive and useful discussion here not a tit for tat criticism of different parenting approaches.

Personally, having thought about how I parent it seems to the a mix of 'unconditional' (which I think would be better described as uncontrolling or some such) and so called 'sugar coated control' (which I think would be better described as directive??)

Anyway over to you...if anyones interested

Personally I've found the ideas behind UC and also How To Talk ideal with my very difficult ds1. I tried the firmer 'supernanny' naughty step approach with him when he was younger. Not only did it not work but it made his behaviour worse. The UC approach is perfect for him. (have not read it all- bits and bobs but am following the gist of it.)My other ds is a totally different so I don't follow it in the same way with him. I think you should do whatever works with your own child and not have to justify it to anyone.

OFGS Cornsilk/Gateau - I don't disagree with UP AT ALL. I'm interested and asking questions Whats so wrong with that??? Nor did I attempt to throw Gateau off this thread - how on earth you could achieve that is beyond me anyway - merely pointed out that if she/he felt that parenting from books was rubbish why was she here.

I am not precious nor do I have any trouble taking criticism. I simply want to have a sensible and adult discussion about UP and the issue of introducing boundaries. I did not expect to get such a childish reaction for using mn as it was intended! I didn't make any personal comments about either of you and do not appreciate the personal attack on me and have reported it to mn hq.

And who's childish now???!
Deary deary me.
I could report you too - but I'm not sad wnough.

Oh God, enough you two

personal attack?
'Calm down Gateau, I didn't question your judgement nor did I suggest you were questioning mine! Your post didn't add anything to the discussion in practical terms anyway. As you can see others are interested in this topic so this is clearly not the thread for you. If you want a mn row perhaps you could try one of the AIBU threads. Although I am left wondering why you are on mn at all if you're so sure of your 'instincts' hmm
posted by pheebe

How's that for a personal attack.

Blimey, how on earth did this thread turn into a bun fight so quickly? I can't see that the OP was being anything other than reasonable and polite.

Anyway, I'm another person struggling to see how the AK approach actually works in practice - it's all very well engaging in dialogue but we do actually need to get out of the house by 8.20 at the very latest to get to school, and ds does actually need to come and eat his supper when I've cooked it, or get in the bath when I've run it.

Maybe ds is just very strong-willed, but giving him countdowns and reminders that we are going to do X in 10/5/3/2/1 minutes has never done anything to avert the battle over actually having to do it.

It ain't no fight,. I'm having fun - in work and bored.
WHY oh why are people SO serious? Poor kids.

MMJ - there are loads of threads in the archives about alfie kohn.

I think hte thread title perhaps wasn't teh best but anyway...

tmmj, I also want to know what on earth is unconditional parenting?

read the above.
Again I say it, don't take yourself SO seriously.

I've heard a lot worse cornsilk

what would the unconditional parent do with you two??

I have no idea what UP is?

A personal attack would be one in which comments are made about an individuals character, persona or beliefs. Non of which I did, all of which I was subjected to. I see now that this is just a source of entertainment for Gateau while she/he's bored at work. Whatever. My mistake for engaging I suppose.

Edam that is exactly what I'm struggling with. I don't want to battle with my DS1 (or DS2 as he gets older). Clearly I'm not good at conflict anyway I do tend to be all or nothing and find myself switching from persuasion/discussion to o just do it. I struggle to find that middle ground sometimes.

Okay, not interested in discussion on parenting books, but am very interested in discussion on UP.
Like themildmanneredjanitor, I'd also like to know basic principles of UP because not read Kohn book - part of this is because I've promised myself to trust my instincts instead. Nevertheless, I'm can;t help being curious and am open to ideas from other Mums.

My DD is only 14 months and I always thought I'd be into the Supernanny approach. But, when my DD became mobile, I sometimes felt she was a bit timid to explore, so we have very little physical boundaries - never stop her from messing up house and have never said no to her. Only exception is if she is about to harm herself or others (including other children and pets).
DH is worried she'll grow up a brat.

Glad to know I'm not the only one on the receiving end of Gateau's boredom then

Ouch; I'm cut to the bone, mmj.
And don't get so wound up, luvvie. I don't care for the vulgar language.

yeah, I sometimes long for a return to Victorian parenting. Life would be so much easier if ds would just obey. But I don't really have the heart to start beating him, Victorian-stylie.

Edam, you've just reminded me of when the dds were young and I couldn't understand why THEY couldn't understand the concept of 1 min/5 min/20mins till tea/bed etc.

Then dd2 asked one day how many 'Simpson's' was 10 mins. I said it was half a Simpson's (we are talking about the length of the programme). After that I used to qualify the time with how many Simpson's it was.
"We are going in 5 mins - less than half a Simpsons'". "You've got 20 mins till bedtime - 1 Simpson's". It definitely helped in those early school years

Gateau I'd quit now if I were you, you're starting to sound silly.

Feelinglucky, I've found the Supeprnanny approach useful in some respects but too harsh in others. We do use time out, but not on a naughty step which left DS1 utterly distraught. Instead he goes to his room where he can play/read whatever until he's calm and we can talk.

DH found the concept a little difficult at first as his upbringing left him with the impression that punishment should mean tears and distress otherwise nothing is learnt. I don't and never believed that and he agrees that the whole process is alot more positive now its not punitive.

I remember someone saying on another thread that they felt the 'naughty step' concept could easily be discredited in a few years time as damaging as it teaches children that they will be rejected and excluded if they don't conform. That comment stopped me in my tracks I can tell you. The time out appraoch is working really well for us.

Feelinglucky, how you have managed not to say no to your dd and also why?