Son excluded from Halloween party- WWYD?

[DreamyRubyHelper]

My son is 17. He has a long time friend, they have drifted apart previously as my son lives away which has likely impacted the friendship, but they have been in touch more recently. It is felt my sons friend has changed, she is different to how she was before in terms of her personality.
I am close friends with friend's mum.
A mutual friend of my son and his friend has informed my son that other friend is having a Halloween party. My son messaged, and asked if he could go. Friend told my son that she was at her limit on numbers for the party and her mum wouldn't budge on this (we knew this was BS as her mum would have loved my son there). Sons friend has told mutual friend that she thought of inviting my son, but her friendship group can be quite offensive and didnt want my son to feel uncomfortable and judged- these were her words. Now- my son is very proudly gay, and a ballet dancer. I have denoted it down to these characteristics that friend's friendship group would likely make reference to- what else would friend feel my son would feel judged/ (rephrase- insulted) about?
I have stood back while sons friend has distanced herself and actively put barriers up between her and my son, but to think so little of my son, who she has known since they were in reception, to exclude him rather than advocate for him/challenge her friendship group on what are likely harmful attitudes is so disappointing. To lie to him is so cowardly. Now even if he did get invited he wont be going. But I feel I cannot let this sit. I want to tell friend's mum- what would you do?

If you are this hung up on his friendship group and trying to control thar how on earth will you manage when he gets or boyfriend or 2 boyfriends together or has a much.older boyfriend...are you going to control him when hes 18,

She doesn’t sound like a thoroughly unpleasant person at all. She has given him signs previously that she doesn’t want to be friends with him, then he invited himself to her party, she tried to let him down gently and OP / her son have thrown their toys out the pram and alleged homophobia. She obviously just doesn’t like the son enough and she is allowed to not like people. There is no evidence of homophobia. She might not like him cos he’s annoying, cos he is professionally offended, because he has a victim mentality or just because he’s just not her type of person. It does r not make her a horrible person because she has stuck to her boundaries.

Tbh, I would be encouraging him to step away from the friendship. If she has friends that are going to judge your son because he is gay, it speaks a lot about her character. Why would you want him to hang out with people like that?

@DreamyRubyHelper Did she actually say no gays or is that something you're making up?

All good points. I'm wondering if the son is 'proudly gay' and a ballet dancer, why he doesn't have any friends amongst those sub-groups who are throwing Halloween parties? If he hasn't been invited to any of those either, maybe that's why he is trying to cling like a limpet to an old friendship that has clearly long since ran its course

Your son isn't a little kid. No one is entitled to a party invite, no one so he isn't excluded, he's just simply not invited to a party of someone he isn't as close with as he used to be.

I'd sympathise with my son, I'd also advise him to consider his friends more carefully including the so call friend who let your son know in the first place knowing it would likely hurt his feelings and agree with him that it might be because he's a gay ballet dancer and it sucks etc but I would absolutely not be running to the friend's mummy, I wouldn't have even done that if he was 7 to be honest. How embarrassing.

Did you miss the fact that he lives away from home and is back briefly? And so reached out to someone he considered a friend after a mutual friend revealed the party?

You need to back off. Really, how bothered by this is your son? The language in your post makes it clear you are somewhat steering this ship.
You've acknowledged that they aren't as close as they were with distance playing a part. Then it's "it is felt" that the friend has changed.
Yeah, the friendship has drifted, as friendships do, especially around that age and with distance involved 🤷‍♀️
"WE knew this was BS"?? Even if it were not true, why would you stoke that fire and make your son feel bad. Bitching about it with him is not helpful
"I have stood back while sons friend distanced herself.." Judging, obviously. Friendships change, people move on or away, change etc. Do you not usually 'stand back' when normal relationship and life changes happen?

You have nothing but a third party's account of why your son is not invited yet don't question that "these are her words" You actually don't know that. You definitely don't seem to have the same consideration/respect for her that you expect she show your son.

They are not close friends anymore. There may be many reasons she doesn't want to invited him. Maybe it is HIS personality rather than it being that hers has changed. I doubt that it is the fact that your son is gay that is the issue but you aren't going to see beyond that 🤷‍♀️

You ds was quite rude to ask to go to a party he wasn't invited to. It sounds as though the friend may not be as keen on him (they are probably a bit old for having their friendships defined by their mum's friendships) and she's tried to find an excuse that isn't hurtful.

Encourage your ds in other friendships that are more genuine.

In your opinion.

You said it yourself - "they have drifted apart previously as my son lives away". You mentioned he's a ballet dancer, I assume he lives away because you live nowhere near his ballet school? How long has he been away - one year? Two? More? One year is a sixteenth of their lives (for you maybe 1/40th?). Two, an eighth (1/20th?). The point I'm trying to make is, the length of time he has been away is a bigger proportion of their life than it is of yours. That's why they drift apart.

Also, I have experience of people 'living away'. Your life trundles on whilst they're away, as does theirs - but your view of them (and theirs of you) becomes stuck at the point in time when they moved away. They come back, and you have both changed. As we are all the sum of our experiences, and those growing-up experiences are no longer shared experience - you have started to diverge. It can be deeply uncomfortable trying to fit together the way you used to, when both of you have changed 'shape'. That's what 'drift' feels like to the drifted. That person looks like the person you once knew, but they're - different. As are you.

I think you're scouting around for a reason, and you've lit on 'well it's his sexuality, isn't it?'. And it really doesn't have to be. But it makes you more comfortable to be able to blame her and act the Momma Bear, than to accept that moving away inevitably changes relationships between those who went and those who stayed.

Wind your neck in. This drift is for your son to negotiate. If he becomes a professional dancer, he'll be moving from dance company to dance company, city to city, maybe country to country. He needs to learn how to maintain relationships long-distance. Today is a training day.

He’s moved away and is probably a lot more mature than all the other 17 year olds, why do you want him mixing with a bunch of offensive local lads anyway? Of course he’ll be the odd one out, he’s better off without them.

I understand you feel bad for him but there’s nothing you can do. If her other friends are that nasty, maybe she is protecting your son

Have you asked you son what he wants ?
Most 17 yr olds would be absolutely mortified if their mum got involved in this situation in this way because they would know it would make a painful friendship issue worse than it already is for him.