Son excluded from Halloween party- WWYD?

[DreamyRubyHelper]

My son is 17. He has a long time friend, they have drifted apart previously as my son lives away which has likely impacted the friendship, but they have been in touch more recently. It is felt my sons friend has changed, she is different to how she was before in terms of her personality.
I am close friends with friend's mum.
A mutual friend of my son and his friend has informed my son that other friend is having a Halloween party. My son messaged, and asked if he could go. Friend told my son that she was at her limit on numbers for the party and her mum wouldn't budge on this (we knew this was BS as her mum would have loved my son there). Sons friend has told mutual friend that she thought of inviting my son, but her friendship group can be quite offensive and didnt want my son to feel uncomfortable and judged- these were her words. Now- my son is very proudly gay, and a ballet dancer. I have denoted it down to these characteristics that friend's friendship group would likely make reference to- what else would friend feel my son would feel judged/ (rephrase- insulted) about?
I have stood back while sons friend has distanced herself and actively put barriers up between her and my son, but to think so little of my son, who she has known since they were in reception, to exclude him rather than advocate for him/challenge her friendship group on what are likely harmful attitudes is so disappointing. To lie to him is so cowardly. Now even if he did get invited he wont be going. But I feel I cannot let this sit. I want to tell friend's mum- what would you do?

Some pretty harsh replies here. Yes at 17 you shouldn't be 'micromanaging' but actually 17 is a tough age when queer. Too many people are still homophobic, either overtly or covertly. You are right to want to support your son. But the best way is to continue being there for him and encouraging him to be proud of who he is. Keep being that safe space for him, encourage him to develop resilience knowing he is loved and supported. And let him know that if 'friends' don't accept him for who he is, then they are not deserving of his loyalty.

No.

He's not been invited. You are assuming reasons to justify him being a victim. The most likely reason is that he and a friend have drifted apart, and he's just not wanted there by her on this particular occasion, at her party in her own home.

You are going to do him no favours by encouraging him to feel like a victim because once he hasn't been invited to a party. To be honest, you'll make him look quite ridiculous that "mummy" has stepped in. You seem to be stoking the fire instead of a simple, "it's not the first, nor last time that you'll feel life isn't fair, and what's important is you are in control of your reaction to a situation"

If you barge in and talk to her mum, it could affect other friendships negatively. Nobody wants to be friends with someone whose mum is going to angrily contact your parents if you don't invite them to something

Sorry OP, I know you are likely upset for your son but he is 17 and his social life isn’t for you to arrange anymore.

No. You raise children to be adults. This is for him to navigate alone. He can vent to you and vice versa but by stepping back he has to navigate adult issues as an adult himself.

I had left home and was renting a house, taking driving lessons and working away when I was seventeen. It's time for him to grow up and if you carry on infantilising him, he will never learn to do so.

I think you're correct with this so the OP deserves a little more grace for her reaction. It's incredibly difficult to be the parent of a teenager who isn't straight these days and I understand her desire to protect him. The bigotry is simultaneously more hidden and yet louder than ever. But this isn't the battle. This girl is allowed to not want to be friends with her son - especially as he moved away and they grew apart.

They’ve drifted apart. She has her own life, with her own friends. I don’t understand why your DS is upset. It’s quite cheeky asking for an invite when he clearly wasn’t invited. She is allowed to invite who she wants to her party.

I think he has moved out alone, hasn't he? He's allowed to be disappointed that a friend has distanced themselves from him.

A friendship group is having a party, he isn’t part of that friendship group so he hasn’t been invited. His friend is allowed other friends.

No it isn’t. That is the opposite of what you originally said
but her friendship group can be quite offensive and didnt want my son to feel uncomfortable and judged- these were her words

Stay out of it.

Yeah it’s horrible IF that’s the reason but also it’s a bit weird to ask to go to a party. Do NOT get involved they aren’t 8.

Agree with previous poster more likely its something else about your son that led his friend to not want to invite him.

Still not something you can become involved in, OP, and certainly not something you should be mentioning to your friend. If doesn't matter why she doesn't want to invite him. At 17, if he isn't in the same school friend group, that can be enough. Teens can be pretty tribal. You don't want him to go if not invited. My teen has multiple groups of friends but does not mix them and doesn't want a birthday party because she wouldn't be able to chose a group to celebrate with.

I think you are applying an adult lens to this. He might not be bothered. If he has moved away for whatever reason, I think they will be why he isn't invited. This isn't a big thing. The girl hosting is well within her rights to invite and not invite whoever she wants. They can still be friends and him not be invited.

You and her mum might be friends but that doesn't make your kids friends at 17, unless they are, and they will know if this is the case without you getting involved.

You're angry, and her parents may well be angry too. Unfortunately, you can't make her want to be friends with your son. It doesn't matter how long they have known each other; sometimes people grow apart. What you can do is teach your son what qualities to look for in a true friend: kindness, respect, honesty and loyalty. He deserves friendships that are mutual and make him feel valued.
There’s no point in kicking off about this. It will only make him appear desperate and prolongs an already negative relationship.Tell him to walk away with his head high and his middle finger higher.

Hang on ‘he’s tried with her for a while’ so he KNEW she wasn’t keen on being friends and THEN invited himself. That’s on him and I’d talk to him about how that is really rude. Aside from everything else men whinging at women and not accepting their non interest (sexual or NOT) is so boring and frequent.

you are doing him a disservice by making him a victim here. He was rude and put himself in this situation.

For whatever reason, she has chosen not to invite your son to her party, which at their age is not quite the same as being excluded. You said that she has changed and your son moved away which probably changed the dynamic of the relationship. The fact that they have known each since reception is largely irrelevant. It is sad when this happens, but I would encourage your son to focus on other friendships. Asking to for an invitation despite knowing that they had drifted, wasn't a good idea.

No.

Right I am low key proud of this teen girl that she held her boundaries and didn’t feel forced into inviting him.

I mean if it is because he’s gay that’s awful but that seems to be hearsay.

You leave him to learn who his true friends are. Dd lost friends when she came out as gay. Our church did a whole thing about praying for homosexuals to help them see the light and the youth group did a class on it. I’m not sure dd triggered it but the timing was interesting. Parents I thought were “normal” seemed to think we weren’t Christian enough and their dd might catch my DD’s gayness. (Not all, but a small number I expected better from).

we left the church - I believe in God but not the church hypocrisy and bs. Dd is a wonderful young lady so if she’s going to hell then I’d rather be there with her than in heaven with the judgemental creeps.

It's so shocking that people think like this but they do. I still don’t get it and don’t I ever will. Let your son navigate friends who are truly accepting of who he is.

Why do you want him to go to a party where nobody wants him there?And potentially, his characteristics would make them be horrible to him? Why does he want to go into that environment??

You cannot do anything about the party - they are 17 - that would be utterly unreasonable.

You can feel hurt on your son’s behalf - that is entirely reasonable.

No, it doesn’t. At his age, your only role is to give him support and reiterate that the problem lays with her. Whether it’s because of his sexuality or his dancing or whether she’s simply just decided that he’s not her cup of tea anymore, you can’t force her to want him there. The damage has already been done. He’s already been excluded. He’s already feeling terrible. You can’t fix that, because he’s going to be fully aware that any future invitation is going to be because you kicked off and her mum made her invite him. That’s just going to make him feel even worse. I understand why you’re furious. I’d be exactly the same. But this isn’t about your anger. It’s about helping him to be able to say ‘Your loss, I don’t want to be friends with you anymore’ and to walk away with his head held high knowing it’s her issue, not his.

To add- i would want to speak to the mum about my disappointment around her daughter’s decision making and rather than advocating for my son, she has chosen to exclude him What would you hope to achieve here? Your friend is either going to react with horror at her daughter and force her to invite him, which fixes nothing, or she’s going to be embarrassed and defensive and want to suggest that her daughter just doesn’t like your son anymore, which also fixes nothing. If you want to say something, then wait until afterwards. Ask her how it went and whether she knew that your DS and her DD had fallen out over it. If she knows nothing, give her reasons for not inviting him. Don’t accuse her or put your own spin on it. Just say your DS is hurt and doesn’t see a future in the friendship and then leave it there. If your friend chooses to let it go, you can then decide whether your friendship is also gone.

She thought about inviting my son, and then hasn't I very much doubt she thought about inviting him for longer than .8 of a second. That’s just what you say to people when you’re trying to justify your decision. It’s not the truth.

OP, I know you are angry and you really don't want to believe that you should do nothing about this (except be there for your son, obviously). But please listen to the posters on here.

Yoir ddcwas