Son excluded from Halloween party- WWYD?

[DreamyRubyHelper]

My son is 17. He has a long time friend, they have drifted apart previously as my son lives away which has likely impacted the friendship, but they have been in touch more recently. It is felt my sons friend has changed, she is different to how she was before in terms of her personality.
I am close friends with friend's mum.
A mutual friend of my son and his friend has informed my son that other friend is having a Halloween party. My son messaged, and asked if he could go. Friend told my son that she was at her limit on numbers for the party and her mum wouldn't budge on this (we knew this was BS as her mum would have loved my son there). Sons friend has told mutual friend that she thought of inviting my son, but her friendship group can be quite offensive and didnt want my son to feel uncomfortable and judged- these were her words. Now- my son is very proudly gay, and a ballet dancer. I have denoted it down to these characteristics that friend's friendship group would likely make reference to- what else would friend feel my son would feel judged/ (rephrase- insulted) about?
I have stood back while sons friend has distanced herself and actively put barriers up between her and my son, but to think so little of my son, who she has known since they were in reception, to exclude him rather than advocate for him/challenge her friendship group on what are likely harmful attitudes is so disappointing. To lie to him is so cowardly. Now even if he did get invited he wont be going. But I feel I cannot let this sit. I want to tell friend's mum- what would you do?

17??

It's not your business. At all.

Your son is 17, not 7. You stay out of it.

You can’t do anything about the teenagers they are nearly adults. Just support your son, talk it through and be there for him

Leave them to it. This is nothing to do with you.

In general stay out of it. Remind him friends don’t act like that. She’s not a friend.

But, the next time I was hanging with the Mum I wouldn’t be able to help myself and casually say something like “such a shame X already had too many friends at the party to invite X”

Does it become my business when he is being excluded and made to feel terrible?

It is your business as far as talking to him and explaining that life is a bitch, but not trying to "solve things" and talking to other mothers like he was a 3 year old in a playground.

It’s really rude to message and ask if you can go to something you are not invited to.

most parents stop micromanaging friendships much younger than 17.

Friendships change..I really don't think you should go to the mum, they are 17 and it's not your place to be doing that. Instead be there for your son, and support him when he is going through this crappy stage not trying to fix it for him

Keep out of it unless he wants to talk to you about it and even then do not charge into battle as if he were 5 years old. I know very well how difficult it is to do nothing but I promise you it won’t do any good, you run the risk of harming a friendship and angering your son. We all face issues like this at some point our lives gay or not and part of being a grown up up is learning to deal with it

Sorry mistyped….I had the same issues at 17 and mum stayed out of it

Help your son try to understand:

• not all friendships last forever, people change and their relationships change
• a person will often have different friendship groups that wouldn’t necessarily mix well. That’s ok, they don’t need to be mixed

Would you barge in and sort it out if he was 40 and being bullied at work?

You’re allowed to be outraged on his behalf. That doesn’t mean you should stick your oar in. The instincts don’t go away, but I think we have to respond to them differently once our kids reach a certain age.

No. Your child is 17 years old!

He needs to work it out - he needs to find better friends and his own place in life. He doesn't need a mother who thinks she should handle his conflicts for him.

Encouraging him to find a social circle that suits him? Go for it!

OP it's completely up to your son's friend who she invites to her party.

No, it’s still not your business. Would your son be okay with you speaking to his friend’s Mum so directly about this situation? As you say, he won’t be going anyway, so surely being there and supporting him is more useful than trying to ease your own discomfort. For what it’s worth OP, your son sounds amazing and he has many friendships ahead of him where he will be valued for who he is. But this friendship probably isn’t worth the effort, from either of you. It’s run its course.

Surely he would feel mortified if mummy stepped in to fight his battles at his age?

He should be.

You can be sure the other young people and parents will be mortified if mum try to handle this. It's not 1st grade.

Ah no OP don't be that mum. He's moved farther away and not part of the main friendship group. It's a natural part of life that it's understandable he feels sad about. But that's not being excluded through malice. You're doing him a disservice by supporting the impression that anyone has done anything wrong.

To add- i would want to speak to the mum about my disappointment around her daughters decision making and rather than advocating for my son, she has chosen to exclude him
She thought about inviting my son, and then hasn't.

You talk to him about friendships changing as people get older. Be neutral instead of negative about this girl, they may rekindle their friendship at a later date.

Dont contact the mum, they are nearly adults.

You really should stay out if it.

She doesn’t owe him an invite, she can choose who she wants to invite.

Its actually not about the invite-its the fact that he is being excluded essentially because him being there would make her uncomfortable it seems. He has lovely friends, albeit around the country and the world! He has tried for while with this girl and he needs to walk away now

He’s her friend but he’s not part of her friendship group. She does not have to include him in everything she does and if she were to invite him she would probably feel obliged to stick close to him all evening because he has no other friends there. That’s not a fair ask of her.