Son excluded from Halloween party- WWYD?

[DreamyRubyHelper]

My son is 17. He has a long time friend, they have drifted apart previously as my son lives away which has likely impacted the friendship, but they have been in touch more recently. It is felt my sons friend has changed, she is different to how she was before in terms of her personality.
I am close friends with friend's mum.
A mutual friend of my son and his friend has informed my son that other friend is having a Halloween party. My son messaged, and asked if he could go. Friend told my son that she was at her limit on numbers for the party and her mum wouldn't budge on this (we knew this was BS as her mum would have loved my son there). Sons friend has told mutual friend that she thought of inviting my son, but her friendship group can be quite offensive and didnt want my son to feel uncomfortable and judged- these were her words. Now- my son is very proudly gay, and a ballet dancer. I have denoted it down to these characteristics that friend's friendship group would likely make reference to- what else would friend feel my son would feel judged/ (rephrase- insulted) about?
I have stood back while sons friend has distanced herself and actively put barriers up between her and my son, but to think so little of my son, who she has known since they were in reception, to exclude him rather than advocate for him/challenge her friendship group on what are likely harmful attitudes is so disappointing. To lie to him is so cowardly. Now even if he did get invited he wont be going. But I feel I cannot let this sit. I want to tell friend's mum- what would you do?

Friendships do change, yes. But it is absolutely not ok, ever, to endorse homophobia, and even when I was 17, I'd never have missed out someone for this reason.
It is true that a lot of parents step in with college, and even uni, and in most cases, it is better to let your child manage their own friendships. But even if it was an adult friend of mine excluding someone for being gay, I would be tempted to say something.

Good grief ! He is not invited. end of.

Do not say a word to your friend / the mother. Not a word.

He is 17 !!!

No, I agree with the others that it still isn't. It's your son's business to advocate for himself.

It's mad that anyone should have issues with someone due to their sexuality in 2026, but your DS needs to know how to deal with them if he meets them. He also needs to navigate his own friendships.

You may be wrong about the type of bigotry here. If your DS doesn't know any of these other people if may not actually be homophobia, they may just not be keen on people who they don't know at a party that's basically people they do know, and will focus on anything that's different about him as an excuse not to do the work of getting to know him. It's pretty small minded but a lot of teens that age are as they struggle with growing up, all the new things they are expected to cope with, and the pressures of becoming adults.

Even if it is homophobia (which is certainly a possibility), being angry about that is reasonable, turning it into a battle your DS doesn't want is not. It would also be pretty stupid to try and pressure the girl through your friend to invite him to a party you think is going to be full of homophobes.

Support your DS in building friendships that are good for him, not in clinging to things that are not.

When you next meet up and chat with your friend, you can mention that you were surprised by what you heard on the grapevine and see if she can shed light on it. But that's about all you can do that could have a positive outcome.

Of course you shouldn’t involve yourself. He is going to have to learn that he won’t be everyone’s cup of tea. Some may judge him because of his sexuality, others will judge him for being a ballet dancer and some others will judge him for being loud and over the top. I appreciate I am making massive assumptions here but the male dancers I have ever met have all been very over the top and to be honest I would rather not spend time with them. Not because I have an issue with their sexuality but the fact I don’t like people that want all the attention, regardless of whether they are male or female, straight or gay.

Only you have decided that. No one else has said that it’s his sexuality.

It could quite possibly be that he is really fucking annoying. And that is subjective.

If you were to tell me that my DD excluded your DS from her party because of his sexuality without any proof then I would believe my DD over you. I think you’ll find all other parents reacting the same way as me.

No good will come from you jumping to conclusions and getting involved.

Also your ds is a cf to ask to come to a party he hadnt been invited toI would have told him no forvthat reason alone.

It's awful to be judged like that by your peers but they still have an awful lot of growing up to do. Sadly kids are cruel as hell.
Nothing you can do - just be there for your son and hopefully things like this will make him stronger, to have the strength to tell crap non-friends to go do one.

No one knows its due to homophobia. The OP is just guessing that. Perhaps she doesnt want to reflect on why else her son isnt included. The friendship has been drifting for a long time. Teenagers grow apart all the time without it being due to homophobia.

I'm afraid you're overstepping here - this girl isn't obligated to invite your son to her party, and if she's distancing herself for whatever reason, she's allowed to do that too. At their age friendships wax and wane and change, nobody's fault, just that young people change as they grow up.

It's not nice to see your child upset and feeling excluded, no matter how old they are. I would console him and acknowledge how he's feeling and encourage him towards other friendships. We can't shield our kids from all disappointments and upset, we can only be there for them and help them to build their resilience.

This girl is not your son’s friend. For whatever reason, she doesn’t want him at her party and is t interested in maintaining a relationship with him.

stay out of it, nothing you do will change this girl’s feelings or behaviour. You will just embarrass your nearly adult son.

hopefully he has good friends who enjoy his company. And he is mature enough to walk away from this friendship, because he is flogging a dead horse.

‘I have stood back while son’s friend has distanced herself’ Christ on a bike. Your poor son. You sound so overbearing. It’s likely that her friends wouldn’t be your son’s cup of tea and she was simply trying to avoid his unhappiness. Reading between the lines, I can imagine he may be quite sensitive as a result of helicopter parenting.

Doesn't matter whether they are gay or straight, drama divas are downright annoying. The son ups the drama by whining to Mummy about being 'excluded', when the reality is plain old Not Invited. Mummy wants to dramatise even more by poking her nose in where it does not belong. Encouraging 17 year olds to stay in the emotional equivalent of little white cotton socks is not equipping them for the wider world.

Nope. That’s life. He is better off without a friend like that.

Be there for him but keep out of it.

Sometimes the rubbish takes itself out

If she really excluded him because shes a homophobe or wants to impress friends she suspects are he doesnt want to go to this party

But he is 17 and doesnt need you to do anything about this.

You’re making some huge leaps here and basing it all on teenage whispers. I don’t think the daughter has done anything wrong. So I think you keep your nose out of it and/ or explain to your son that you can’t please all of the people all of the time and that’s ok.

Op, I don’t doubt that’s what’s going on. This girl sounds like a throughly unpleasant person. From what you’ve said so far, your son is better off without her in his life. Your son sounds like an amazing, talented & decent young man. If he hasn’t already he will definitely find his tribe & friends who love & appreciate him for him. I completely understand your desire to advocate for your son, particularly as this situation wreaks of homophobia. That crosses a line & I see nothing wrong with bringing that particular fact to the attention of the girls mum/your friend. Lastly, build your son up & make sure he knows that he never, ever has to accept this kind of treatment from anyone, ever. All the best op.

You've said the friendship has drifted because your son has moved away.

She's entitled to have other friends. It also sounds like she doesn't actually see much of your son if he lives elsewhere.

She knows the friends going to the party and your son probably won't get on well. Why would he even want to go to a party where he doesn't really know anyone and isn't part of that group of friends? It could be really awkward and she knows that which is why she's said she can't invite any more people. She's declined his request to tag along in a gentle way.

OP, your DS is 17. Let him fight his own battles. Friends move on and relationships change for all manner of reasons. Allow your DS to lead his own life. And don’t leap to conclusions that may well be unfounded as to why he wasn’t invited.

No it’s entitlement. Her friends kid is almost an adult just like her son. She can choose her own friends even if it is sadly for negative reasons.

It’s not up to her mum at this point to intervene in who she hangs out with.

You really don’t know if the allegations are correct. Unless he is called a slur by her or her friends or some other clear example of homophobia OP can’t really be going and making these accusations.

I know about exclusion, I was the only POC kid in multiple schools, it’s tough but sometimes the lesson you need to take is to go where you’re celebrated. You will achieve nothing by demanding access to friends who have taken a step back.
I am grateful my mum as hurt as she was by it sometimes never thought to berate anyone’s mum if I didn’t get an invite. I’d have been mortified.

No. Honestly, come on. They're not small children anymore, and they've drifted apart. It's normal. Stay out of it completely, and absolutely don't involve your friend unless you want that friendship to run its course.

Horrible, but this probably won't be the last time this happens in his life. Disappointing, I know, but that's life. If these are the kinds of people this 'friend' associates with, then it's clear that they have grown in very different directions and it's time to let the friendship drift. Leave her to her friends and their 'dark' or 'edgy' humour, or whatever it is Gen Z call derogatory and prejudice 'banter' these days.

Don't speak to this girl's mother, she has her own learning to do. Perhaps losing a friend might aid that. Hopefully one say, she'll be mortified by her insensitivity.

What @Kunik said

OMG hes 17 leave him alone for effing sake

Your son needs new friends.

Would he really want to go to a party his mum has wangled an invitation to by having words sith his friend's mum?!