Son excluded from Halloween party- WWYD?

[DreamyRubyHelper]

My son is 17. He has a long time friend, they have drifted apart previously as my son lives away which has likely impacted the friendship, but they have been in touch more recently. It is felt my sons friend has changed, she is different to how she was before in terms of her personality.
I am close friends with friend's mum.
A mutual friend of my son and his friend has informed my son that other friend is having a Halloween party. My son messaged, and asked if he could go. Friend told my son that she was at her limit on numbers for the party and her mum wouldn't budge on this (we knew this was BS as her mum would have loved my son there). Sons friend has told mutual friend that she thought of inviting my son, but her friendship group can be quite offensive and didnt want my son to feel uncomfortable and judged- these were her words. Now- my son is very proudly gay, and a ballet dancer. I have denoted it down to these characteristics that friend's friendship group would likely make reference to- what else would friend feel my son would feel judged/ (rephrase- insulted) about?
I have stood back while sons friend has distanced herself and actively put barriers up between her and my son, but to think so little of my son, who she has known since they were in reception, to exclude him rather than advocate for him/challenge her friendship group on what are likely harmful attitudes is so disappointing. To lie to him is so cowardly. Now even if he did get invited he wont be going. But I feel I cannot let this sit. I want to tell friend's mum- what would you do?

And it’s shit OP if that’s the case. But that still doesn’t mean that you need to get yourself involved. You haven’t heard any of this information from the horses mouth, it’s all just gossip. Ultimately you’ll do what you want to do, but atleast sleep on it for a bit before committing to any decisions. I don’t think your involvement will have the impact you’re hoping for.

And I'd tell you to f right off. Absolutely no need for you to make any comments like that.

WTH your son is 17. Your job now is to help him deal with disappointment not barge in and tell people how you feel. It’s unhinged that you think this is appropriate. You need to think why you are finding this so upsetting that you are compelled to interfere. If you still believe your approach is correct, ask yourself at what age you would no longer feel compelled to do this.

You have no idea that that is the reason. You are the one who has decided it. Maybe your son has bad breath. Maybe he acts like a fool when drunk. Maybe she feels he is harassing her and not picking up on her cues - you've said he's been "trying with her" for a while.

She's allowed to not want your son there. There is a time and a place to involve yourself in your children's lives - this isn't it. I say this as the mother of a bisexual son with a boyfriend - save your energy. This girl is not worth it. If she gets worse and outwardly homophobic - then I would raise it and actually I would cut her mother off too.

Is „proudly gay“ a euphemism for making everything about how his sexual preferences define his personality? I‘m trying to play devil‘s advocate here. At 17 I don’t think you can interfere. Teach your son that sometimes we outgrow friends and to focus on those people who truly enjoy having him around.

Firstly they aren’t even friends. He moved away. She moved on.
Secondly you don’t ask to be invited to someone’s party.
Thirdly she said no he can’t come, maybe it’s because her friends are homophobic, maybe it’s not that at all and this other friend is just stirring up trouble, to be honest I find it hard to believe since young people nowadays are far more accepting than ever before.
And lastly he is an adult. You do not get involved in his dramas anymore

If she or her friends are homophobic then I would be telling him that these are not people who are his friends and not people that he should be wasting his time either. It's hurtful and even at that age they are still your child - it's only natural to want to intervene. Nothing will be gained by it - sadly you can't make people want to be friends with you, nor can you make arseholes not arseholes. Hurtful though it is not be invited to parties, it sounds like he has dodged a bullet by avoiding these narrow minded idiots. Or, maybe they have just drifted so much and they don't feel they have much in common with your son. Either way, you have to leave it alone.

Some friendships don't last. They're young adults. Leave them to it. Support your son of course. You can't tell the other girl what you think she should do.

He hasn’t been ‘excluded’. He just hasn’t been invited. Very rude of him to text to be invited. Maybe he has form for that sort of entitled behaviour, and that’s why?

No it doesn't. He is not wanted. Painful as that is, he has to accept that.

This is insane. He is 17! Step back, step back, and step back again.

And leave the girl alone.

You said yourself your son and this girl have drifted apart. Having 'recent contact' means nothing in terms of him being a close friend to invite to her party.

Him contacting her to ask if he could come is cringeworthy and not normal at all.

It sounds like he has inherited his lack of social norms from you OP.
Do you and/or him have any social difficulties/disabilities?

I would do nothing. He is not entitled to attend someone's party.
I would arrange something else for him, see if there's something fun he can do with a few people.

You have been given great advice. I hope you take it.

No. If people he thinks of as friends exclude him they aren't his friends. No matter if they knew each other all their life.
He's 17 not 7 and even at 7 he doesn't have a "right" to be invited to parties.
He needs to find other friends, encourage him and support him but don't butt in. You can't force anyone to be his friend.

My son is 12 and has two very good friends and he tells me one of his friends has been invited to a Halloween party by one of them but DS has not been invited. He says he isn't bothered but I know deep down he is. It sucks as I'm thinking what has he done to be left out? But I can't say anything.

Btw maybe the girl doesn't want him 'trying' her.

If she was your daughter would you encourage her to invite him? When she isn’t interested in the kind of relationship he is pursuing?

I wouldn’t.

OP was posting almost a year ago that DS’s friendship with this girl had waned as he’d moved away, the poor girl needs to be left alone.

Oh dear. The drama.

I’ve just looked this up. OP, come on, leave this girl and her Mum alone. This friendship has clearly been over for atleast over a year, that’s likely the reason she doesn’t want your son there. This feels a little more creepy now with the added context

You are talking about excluding, barriers and distancing. They have drifted apart. They have both moved on in their different ways. He needs to be friends with people who want to be friends with him.

Keep your sticky beak out.

You can be furious, you can be enraged, you can rant and rave at home. You don’t get to do this to either your DC friend or their parent. You need to spend your time more wisely.

You need to help your child build their own confidence so others can’t make them feel inferior.

Help them find other friendships- just because you and your friend threw these kids together over a decade ago doesn’t mean they still have things in common.

Support your own child quietly unless you want to fall out with your friend and create a nasty mess

This is really weird that you’re so obsessed by it OP. Your son should never have tried to invite himself and you certainly shouldn’t be mentioning it to his mum.

If you think she’s a bad friend what you do is talk to him about that and tell him what you think are green flags in friendships. And then let it go. Or be there for him if he wants to vent or talk it through.

I can’t imagine my mum being involved in friendship matters when I was a teenager.

Just because they were friends in reception, doesn't mean they have to be friends now. They have obviously grown in different directions, as is completely normal for young people to do. Your son shouldn't have invited himself to her party, and you shouldn't make a fuss about this now. If he needs guidance, it is in taking social signals of when friendships are not reciprocated and how to move on and focus on friendships that are mutual.