Son excluded from Halloween party- WWYD?

[DreamyRubyHelper]

My son is 17. He has a long time friend, they have drifted apart previously as my son lives away which has likely impacted the friendship, but they have been in touch more recently. It is felt my sons friend has changed, she is different to how she was before in terms of her personality.
I am close friends with friend's mum.
A mutual friend of my son and his friend has informed my son that other friend is having a Halloween party. My son messaged, and asked if he could go. Friend told my son that she was at her limit on numbers for the party and her mum wouldn't budge on this (we knew this was BS as her mum would have loved my son there). Sons friend has told mutual friend that she thought of inviting my son, but her friendship group can be quite offensive and didnt want my son to feel uncomfortable and judged- these were her words. Now- my son is very proudly gay, and a ballet dancer. I have denoted it down to these characteristics that friend's friendship group would likely make reference to- what else would friend feel my son would feel judged/ (rephrase- insulted) about?
I have stood back while sons friend has distanced herself and actively put barriers up between her and my son, but to think so little of my son, who she has known since they were in reception, to exclude him rather than advocate for him/challenge her friendship group on what are likely harmful attitudes is so disappointing. To lie to him is so cowardly. Now even if he did get invited he wont be going. But I feel I cannot let this sit. I want to tell friend's mum- what would you do?

OP, this will make a nothing situation into something. Again, what does your son think about you doing this? It sounds like this may be more for you than him. I wouldn’t even intervene if my 9 year old wasn’t invited to a good friends party, but 17. Come on OP, what’s really going on here?

Then help him do that. Its her choice who she wants to invite, that's nothing to do with you. But how your son works through this is, and that's where your energy should go.

Please do not speak to her mother - she would just think you’re batshit!
People change friends as they go through life. You’ve said your DS moved away so that would make it more reason to not remain close. Here’s the problem.
DS listened to a 3rd person and then invited himself to a party - very rude.
DSs friend gave a valid reason when she didn’t need to - ‘Sorry but no, you’re not invited this time’ should be enough.
DS then listened again to 3rd person - that person could be just stirring things.

Let it go - you’re imagining all sorts of rubbish.

What's going on is my son's sexuality is being considered as something that would make others feel uncomfortable, and as such he has been excluded. I think other parents woild feel angry about this

OP, you can't tell someone that they have to advocate for your son.

He is not being excluded. He is not invited. He is not a part of the the group she has invited. She can invite the people she wants. She or her mother don't have to explain anything.
It's none of your business.
You are overreacting big time.

FGS he is 17 he doesn't need his mummy doing this to him, he has not been invited that is all

He needs to handle things his own way you want be at his work/uni to tell the nasty people not to upset him

Mind you I like the coincidence of the colour in the middle of the user name it seems consistent with similar posts so you may get useful advice from them

No..

You don't know it's because of your son's sexuality OP. It could just be that she doesn't feel close to him any more.

Yup it's not your business and it doesn't sound like they're friends anymore anyway

You don't know that for sure. You have heard that third hand.

You are not helping your son at all with your current plan of action

You also have no idea why your DS hasn’t invited really.

Maybe it’s because he’s gay.

Maybe it’s because the friendship group can be cliquey toward outsiders.

Maybe the daughter doesn’t want to spend time at her party looking after an outsider.

Maybe it’s because the daughter has been pushing her luck on numbers, the mum has had to put her foot down hard, and the daughter doesn’t want to admit it to the mutual friend.

Maybe the mum has set a numbers limited and the daughter hasn’t considered that she’s be allowed an exception for your DS.

You just don’t know, and it’s not your battle to fight.

Of course we would be angry! And you can think this girl is disgraceful, etc. What would be inappropriate is to act on it, because a) your son is too old to have his mum fighting his battles, and b) neither this girl nor her mother owe you or your son anything, and they are unlikely to give a dry fuck what you think about their morals, their decision making or anything else. You’ll look like a loon, and your son will be mortified.

People have different friendship groups and not everyone gets invited to everything their friend does. Should I be offended when my closest friend invites her old uni mates to her house and doesn't invite me? No because it would be ridiculous.

Nothing?! He’s 17.

You can't force other people to invite you or like you. It's not how the things works.

Your son should work to find his tribe - I thing young people put it this way nowadays.

OP I understand you’re upset but please don’t get involved. You want your son to find friends who love his company for who he is, not a friendship group you have had to shoehorn him into.

I know it must feel horrible but you have to stay out of it.

Your son is 17. This is something that he will probably come up against more than once in his life unfortunately, so maybe it’s a good lesson for him in how to deal with it.

Although I have to add in my experience that age group are much, much more accepting of anyone different, gay, bisexual, trans, whatever, than in my day. Which makes me think there’s something else about your son that led his friend to not want to invite him. Either way, it’s not your issue. He’s nearly an adult.

If this “friend” has invited a load of homophobic twats to her party, that is up to her. But surely, her not inviting your DS is for the best in that scenario?

Friends often outgrow each other. That’s all that’s happened here. There’s no point in you doing anything.

She's allowed to be different. Shed allowed to change. She's allowed to invite whoever she wants to her party.

Your son should not have asked for an invite and you should not be involving yourself here.

That seems extremely unlikely. What proof do you have of that?

You are being ridiculous. Stay out of your son's business. He is 17 not 7!!!!

It’s just different friendship groups. Yabu.

Talk about mollycoddling. 😂