I think I'm damaging my daughter and desperately need advice on how to stop

[Passedproblems]

Not sure where to start, I have a 13 year old daughter (my oldest). She has a few cousins around the same age , 13, 14 & 15. They all used to play well and got on well together (or so I thought).

A couple of years ago I saw a message from the 14 year old messaging the 13 year old something mean about my daughter referencing her weight and a go kart. I handled the situation badly, confronted the cousin who sent the message and made my daughter get off the go kart.

Since then the girls don't play with my daughter. I stupidly told my daughter what was said in the text and rather then it blow over its getting worse when on the odd occasion they meet up.

The parents seem oblivious to the situation even though I mentioned it to them and asked them to speak to the children about it. My daughter wants to be included but is mostly ignored then she shuts down.

I just don't know how to nip this in the bud. Every family gathering just gets awkward. I avoid as many as I can to try and protect her.

How do I fix this going forward?

Maybe go for an after tea walk every day with DD and make sure your household eats mostly vegetables, fruit, eggs, cheese, fish and a non sugary breakfast cereal and whole meal bread.

No soft drinks, juice and chocolate bars and crisps except on birthdays

Thanks, great advice, I was more worried about the social exclusion issues. But I'm hoping to incorporate a walk to our routine a few days a week at least.

I don’t think she’s asking how to help her daughter lose weight, I read it as she wants to try and re-establish the cousin friendship group?

A walk won’t make any difference, you can’t outrun a bad diet. You need to overhaul her diet and portion sizes. How much does she weigh? What clothes size?

Are the other girls siblings?

I’m not sure what you can do, because you can’t force young people to be friends. However this is your daughter’s family and it’s affecting her and, I imagine, all of you if you are declining invites to family events.

Is it worth approaching the cousin’s parents again? Explain how it’s affecting your daughter. It’s not ok to send mean messages but it was a while ago now and it’s in everyone’s interests for family get togethers to be positive experiences for everyone.

They shouldn't have been rude but you cant force friendships and knowing how they are why would the op want her daughter to be friends with them now anyway?

They are at a funny age. Def shouldn’t have stepped in like that. Perhaps invite the cousins round separately to try and smooth it over?
and actually walking is a very good form of exercise but she wasn’t asking about weight loss advice! Rude!

OP wasn’t asking about diet advice or even suggesting her DD does have a problem with her weight, I thought for a moment you’d posted on the wrong thread, really odd you’ve jumped to this response when the issue is the family relationships.

That's a really tricky age. They may well not have much in common now and this would have happened regardless of the go kart incident.

I love how OP posts about a family relationships issue and gets loads of advice on how to put her teenager on a diet. 🤦‍♀️

What's going on with reading comprehension in this thread??

OP who are the parents of the cousins? Your siblings? Can you talk to them again? Set up a fun family activity that they have to engage with each other on like a high ropes or similar?

The fact that Op pulled her DD off the go-kart made me assume that Op agreed with her child needing to be fitter.
Walking is a lovely bonding thing to do while refreshing the brain and keeping fit.

Invite one cousin (and/or their family) at a time over for a catch up.
Invite one cousin to visit the cinema, a bounce park, bake together.

Keep the communication open between the families. Cousins don't have to be besties but they certainly should have each other's back as family and be friendly.

Time changes many a teenage tiff.

Thank you all who have responded on this thread. Unfortunately my daughter is overweight and I've been trying unsuccessfully to manage that including a dietician referral who agreed that I've been doing all the right things and to carry on doing what I have been doing. Not that it makes a difference but the girl who mentioned my daughters weight is overweight herself too.

The parents are my siblings and although I have spoken to them it feels like it's fallen on deaf ears. I did suggest a Thorpe Park trip this summer and I got told by my sister 'Why don't you just go with your own family'. Tbh I just don't want to bother anymore and I actually feel hatred towards my nieces for treating my daughter the way they do (they are cousins too). Ugh I'm annoyed with myself for feeling that way too and this issue is unlikely to be resolved:(

So the solution to a child being socially excluded is to put her on a diet. Right.

I can't work out from your post how often you see your siblings/their children.

I think some of this relationship drift is natural. It's easy to "play nicely" when you are younger, but teenagers often find family occasions dull and don't want to hang out with their cousins as they have nothing in common.

It your daughter's cousins are actively making nasty comments about her weight and your siblings will say nothing, then I would suggest you need to continue to avoid them to protect your daughter. It's not fair to subject your daughter to this. You can't "fix" other people's behaviour.
If it's just a question of her cousins not being bothered about spending time with her but everyon is perfectly polite, then you may just have to accept that that's how family relationships go. Maybe the cousins will reconnect when they are older; maybe they won't. Lots of people don't have relationships with their cousins.

I would say the 3 siblings are probably horrible to each other quite regularly, - very unusual for 3 different ages to be best buddies.
And some 15 year olds can be like 18 year olds and some 13 year olds very young and hero worshipping older siblings - I would think maybe try a day out / cinema trip with the 13 year old but I suspect she will want to keep in with her big siss and not be nice to DD as being treated as an equal by older siss is more important to her than hanging out with a mere 13 year old.

Your siblings and their kids sound horrible - personally I think the best way to help your dd is to remove nasty people from her life. Instead of focusing on fixing these relationships, maybe help her to find new friends. Your dd doesn't need bitchy cousins dragging her down

Just because they are cousins / nearish in age doesn’t mean that their personalities will match.

i am 6 weeks age difference from one cousin. We were perpetually forced together as children as it suited our mothers ( sisters). We were/ are very very different. The differences weren’t so apparent at a young age but from 11 plus they became a gulf. What worked with primary age simply couldn’t continue in senior school age. It wasn’t nastiness, just complete incompatibility. The only thing that would work was to stop foisting us on each other!

I see a similar pattern with my daughter and her female cousins. Completely completely different people and no amount of social encounters improves things, it only highlights the differences and makes the teens involved bored and annoyed, which leaves to bad behaviour.

Leave everyone be, is my advice.

I think I'm finding it hard to deal with because I have many find memories of my childhood and family occasions.

I barely see the family now because of theses issues. They actively exclude my daughter but don't actually say mean things to her. I think that's worse. In larger gatherings extended family have commented about the fact that nobody speaks to my daughter so it's definitely been noted.

I have to accept the situation because I can't fix it.

You don’t

you can’t make them be friends.

focus on other relationships and things and step back

This. Why does your dd have to be friend with her cousins? They are all at an age they can organise their own friends and social lives.

I'd encourage your dd to take up a new activity outside school, preferably something active, make some new friends and ignore her cousins. She won't be missing out on anything.

The best way to regain her confidence is to gain new friends, and a healthier life style, and leave her cousins behind.

When you say you handled it badly, what did you say/do?

Unless there’s something you haven’t shared, it’s pretty off that your siblings wont insist their children behave at family get togethers - how has your relationship been with them?

You can’t make the cousins be friends with your daughter, but their parents can do something about them ignoring/excluding your daughter at family events, and if the won’t, I’d be keeping away from them tbh.

Twat.

Support your daughter in friendships with other people. At school or clubs etc.

ignore the mean cousins. It may be possible to reconnect with them in a few years but don’t push anything now.

The problem is not a cousin one, it's a teenage girl one. Kids that age are fickle and fall in and out of friendship groups all the time. It's unrealistic to think that just because you have 4 girls around the same age that they will all be friends, even if they are cousins. Some people are best buddies with their cousins, others don't get on at all. You can't force it. Encourage your daughter to make friends away from her cousins and lay off the pressure of friendship with them.

The weight is a separate issue. Your siblings should absolutely be reminding their children that it is rude and hurtful to comment on other people's bodies, whether it's your cousin or a stranger.