I think I'm damaging my daughter and desperately need advice on how to stop

[Passedproblems]

Not sure where to start, I have a 13 year old daughter (my oldest). She has a few cousins around the same age , 13, 14 & 15. They all used to play well and got on well together (or so I thought).

A couple of years ago I saw a message from the 14 year old messaging the 13 year old something mean about my daughter referencing her weight and a go kart. I handled the situation badly, confronted the cousin who sent the message and made my daughter get off the go kart.

Since then the girls don't play with my daughter. I stupidly told my daughter what was said in the text and rather then it blow over its getting worse when on the odd occasion they meet up.

The parents seem oblivious to the situation even though I mentioned it to them and asked them to speak to the children about it. My daughter wants to be included but is mostly ignored then she shuts down.

I just don't know how to nip this in the bud. Every family gathering just gets awkward. I avoid as many as I can to try and protect her.

How do I fix this going forward?

Yes, let us never forget that being fat is the worst thing a woman can be. Worse, apparently, than being a bully.

I think your daughter needs some new friends. Are there any clubs or activities she’s interested in?Sounds like your siblings can’t really be bothered. I’d put your energy where it’s reciprocated. You sound like a nice person and a good mother who just wants the best for her girl. Good luck!

Did they all socialise regularly before this incident?

I think you have to let it go. You can't force friendship. Just because they are cousins it doesn't mean they want to hang out together.

The comment about weight might just be one factor. Do you really want your DD being friends with her cousins who are that mean?

The only other suggestion is to sit them all together and talk about the message. Explaining why it was unkind.
Though in their defence there is the argument it was a private message to their sibling(?) and therefore wasn't for your eyes.

I don’t understand your thread title. What do you mean? How are you damaging your dd and what do you need to stop?

Precisely 🤣🫶🏻

It's not essential for cousins to get on well OP. Does your DD have good friendships in other parts of her life (school, hobbies etc)? If so I would stop worrying about this so much.

Your sisters comment doesn’t make it sound like they treat you wonderfully either… that’s a really rude statement?!

That’s all very well to say but usually families spend time together. If they’re all ignoring one girl it makes it very awkward for her even though she might have tons of other friends.

I would be very annoyed with your siblings for not handling it better. Their daughters don’t have to be best friends with your daughter but ignoring her altogether is bullying.

How are the parents been with you OP, have they ever excluded you or are they better friends and spend more time together?

Is it possible for your daughter to bring a friend for family events so she doesn’t feel so bad?

My young adult DC see their cousins on my side maybe once a year at Christmas. I don’t think they’ve seen cousins on dads side for several years.

No falling out, just nothing in common. Once they are teenagers this is often how it pans out. It seems like you are trying to play happy families as though they were all still little kids.

I think you have an idea of family events that are just not that realistic for your family at the moment. Your siblings don’t sound that great if they don’t care about your DD enough to try and smooth things over from their end. I think everyone probably needs some breathing space. Help your DD build up a good social life away from the family if she doesn’t already have one. Don’t insist that she goes to parties / meet ups if there is another better alternative for her ( eg can she go to a friends for an afternoon if you’re visiting family). If you give it some time this event will be forgotten and everyone is likely to have grown up a bit. They might never be close ( and I’m not close with any of mine ) but they can be polite with each other.

and I got told by my sister 'Why don't you just go with your own family'.

The issues start with your sister, her children are imitating her. Your sister doesn't want you around so what happened there?

But how would you feel if you happened to see each other more regularly and all of the younger generation completely ignored one of your children pointedly.

There’s a difference between not being best friends and excluding someone.

Yes, obviously if DD loses weight everyone will want to include her and this whole problem will be solved. It’s her fault she’s overweight, anyway.

Honestly, how depressing.

Yes I wondered that too. It’s a nasty thing to say.

I am afraid you have made things worse by intervening and getting the other parents involved. Especially if it originally
was all about an unkind text from one teenager to another, which DD hadn't asked you to help with. I would leave it now and llet DD take the lead on her own social life ; just be helpful if she wants a lift to a new friends, or to host a sleepover or whatever, but don't try to initiate or take charge.

Are you some sort of an arsehole ?

I agree. This is about more than the children’s behaviour. The family dynamics seem generally unhealthy and the children are picking up on it and playing it out.

Wow op asks for issues with her daughter receiving an awful weight based text from a cousin and everyone jumping straight to her daughters weight. Basically backing up the cousins and not calling out the vapid little rats

This is a great post.

You don't have to accept the situation that you go to family gatherings and your daughter is excluded. Don't go.

I don't like the suggestion someone has given that you send your daughter elsewhere while you meet your family. I think if you do that then you will be excluding her too. Don't go to family gatherings. Just tell them why. Your daughter is excluded so you are not going.

If your parents are around presumably you can still see grandparents etc on their own- it's just meet ups with the cousins that are the problem.

I wouldn't collude with bullies to brush their behaviour under the carpet - shine a light in it. They leave her out and if their parents won't do anything then the family can know not to invite you to get togethers as you won't be going.

Ok so intervening wasn’t that smart, but you meant well, and teenage daughters are tricky. It could easily have happened anyway, so let that go. Cousins don’t need to be friends, you can’t force it. I’d leave it and just keep an eye on things when you do get together (and only do that rarely). Frankly your sister doesn’t sound nice either, so that’s probably where it started. Hopefully your daughter has friends and a happy life in general, and can just avoid/ignore her cousins if she needs to..

Your nieces said mean things about your daughter and you stuck up for her. You did the right thing calling them out for it. The only thing you should stop doing is pandering to your siblings and their children and trying to get them to see your point of view and to out with your daughter. Speak to her and tell her she doesn’t want to be friends with family who make fun of her and she is losing nothing by not spending time with them.

You can stop blaming yourself. Your siblings are dickheads and your nieces are copying them. You overreacted one time, ages ago. If they can’t move on, keep your daughter away from them and start focusing on other things. Your poor kid.

What the fuck?

You could simply choose to protect your daughter. Firstly - they're teenagers - there's no 'playing with'. Secondly - they've been vile about your daughter and their parents don't care. The answer is not to put your daughter on a restricted diet and give her food issues for life. It's to cut right down on contact from abusive people. If you then choose to deal with your daughter's weight - do not link it to her cousins being vile.