I think I'm damaging my daughter and desperately need advice on how to stop

[Passedproblems]

Not sure where to start, I have a 13 year old daughter (my oldest). She has a few cousins around the same age , 13, 14 & 15. They all used to play well and got on well together (or so I thought).

A couple of years ago I saw a message from the 14 year old messaging the 13 year old something mean about my daughter referencing her weight and a go kart. I handled the situation badly, confronted the cousin who sent the message and made my daughter get off the go kart.

Since then the girls don't play with my daughter. I stupidly told my daughter what was said in the text and rather then it blow over its getting worse when on the odd occasion they meet up.

The parents seem oblivious to the situation even though I mentioned it to them and asked them to speak to the children about it. My daughter wants to be included but is mostly ignored then she shuts down.

I just don't know how to nip this in the bud. Every family gathering just gets awkward. I avoid as many as I can to try and protect her.

How do I fix this going forward?

Except that’s not what she said. But anyway no point in arguing about it. I’ve given my interpretation and you yours and and the OP can decide which one fits best.

Try not to worry about this. The kids would have probably drifted apart naturally in a year or so and opted to avoid family outings. You can just meet with your siblings maybe? Your daughter is growing up and will soon be able to make her own decisions as to whether she comes to things or not. The cousins may rekindle their relationship later or they may not. Their call.

You're trying to force a relationship with people who treat your daughter like shit. And purposefully ignoring/excluding her every time you see them, especially after talking about her poorly, is bullying. So you're asking her to play nice with bullies.

It's irrelevant that they are 'family', isn't it? Would you be trying to do the same with classmates? Friends she used to hang out with in primary school?

I'm sorry your siblings have failed as parents - and they have - but stop trying to 'fix' things by forcing your daughter to endure their own children's bullying behaviour. Focus on finding a way to support your own child with her physical and mental health going forward.

There is no way I would attend an event where my child was made to feel unwelcome. Every event I would simply respond to say the the other children are actively unkind and their behaviour isn’t managed, so you won’t be able to make it. Full stop.

The DD is 13, so I wouldn’t expect her to attend any get together she didn’t fancy.

It really seems like OP is trying to force some kind of relationship that isn’t practical for the people involved. Teenagers don’t “play” with each other. I don’t think her sister is bothered about playing happy families. The kids are too old for it.

OP asks for advice to repairing the friendships so wtf with these posters with their faux concern and dieting advice. I hate MN sometimes.

I would just remain calm and polite at family gatherings and focus on other friendships for your DD. You can't force people to change.

It’s very natural to feel that it’s our responsibility as parents to at least try to fix situations that are hurting our children, and to want our children to have a strong extended family around them.

But it’s ok to step back if it isn’t working. The cousins will be adults in just a few years and the dynamics will change a lot. Your own daughter will be able to make her own choices.

No it’s not the worst thing. It’s not worse than being a bully.
But being fat makes your life a bit harder. So if Op can help her 13 year old dd losing weight, it’s not a bad thing.

Are you actually for real?

so you want her to encourage her daughter that the way to deal with cruelty, bullying and fat shaming is to change yourself???? Wow. How ancient are you?

don’t do this. You’ll set her up for a lifetime of issues thinking her value and worthiness of respect is dependent on how she looks.

So if Op can help her 13 year old dd losing weight, it’s not a bad thing.

Well yes - but surely that should be kept very seperate from being accepted by family - which is what most of the OP post is about.

Giving the message people will only like you when you are thin - is usually considered pretty dangerous message to give teen girls.

So at the time they were 11, 11 and 12. Yours was one of the 11 year olds. The 12yo sent a mean message about your DD being too heavy for a go kart to the other 11yo. You told her off and now they don't include your DD at family gatherings. I don't know that their behaviour is necessarily going to be connected to what you did, unless you were really awful? You've tried to intervene and nothing has changed. Maybe you just need to accept they're not nice people. Take one of your DD's friends to the theme park instead and don't make her go to family gatherings if they're upsetting for her.

Your mistake is you saying you have to accept the situation because you can't fix it. You are repeating the pattern of your childhood where you were made to feel bad. This time you are allowing your daughter to be abused not only by her cousins but your siblings too.
Break the cycle and protect your daughter. Walk away from your family and go no contact. Get your daughter involved in other activities away ftom your family. Help build her self esteem.

user1492757084
*Maybe go for an after tea walk every day with DD and make sure your household eats mostly vegetables, fruit, eggs, cheese, fish and a non sugary breakfast cereal and whole meal bread.

No soft drinks, juice and chocolate bars and crisps except on birthdays*

you read child being isolated and thought she should lose the weight?!?!?!?!?