I think I'm damaging my daughter and desperately need advice on how to stop

[Passedproblems]

Not sure where to start, I have a 13 year old daughter (my oldest). She has a few cousins around the same age , 13, 14 & 15. They all used to play well and got on well together (or so I thought).

A couple of years ago I saw a message from the 14 year old messaging the 13 year old something mean about my daughter referencing her weight and a go kart. I handled the situation badly, confronted the cousin who sent the message and made my daughter get off the go kart.

Since then the girls don't play with my daughter. I stupidly told my daughter what was said in the text and rather then it blow over its getting worse when on the odd occasion they meet up.

The parents seem oblivious to the situation even though I mentioned it to them and asked them to speak to the children about it. My daughter wants to be included but is mostly ignored then she shuts down.

I just don't know how to nip this in the bud. Every family gathering just gets awkward. I avoid as many as I can to try and protect her.

How do I fix this going forward?

You can’t make the cousins include her and to be honest it’s a fact of life that not everyone we like will want to be friends with us. I would acknowledge your daughter’s feelings and how unfair it is but also try and focus on what she can do to feel better. Avoid family gatherings as much as possible and instead encourage your daughter’s other friendships. Does she have friends through school or other activities that she spends time with? Does she have any hobbies you could encourage her with? Does she have one-to-one time with you?

You kicked off and caused a huge drama. They’re teenage girls so probably see you as a problem and your daughter as an extension of you / the reason behind the drama even though it was their message that led to. If the message was actually mean then do you want your daughter around cousins who are unkind? If the message just wasn’t a nice one, then I guess you can slowly rebuild relationships. Rather than all siblings and cousins at once, perhaps one group at a time?

It's not nasty for her sister to say she doesn't want a joint family trip to Thorpe Park.
And I think it's indicative of the problem. OP has rose tinted visions of a nice cosy extended family where everyone gets on and does lots of things together. The reality is that her siblings are happy doing their own thing and meeting for occasional family gatherings. OP can't force them to want something else.

This.

She 13 if you feel you have to go to wider family events she old enough to be left or given a choice about attending. If she dies want to go you hand with her step in and leave when she wants to.

Also are you clinging to a poor relationship with siblings ?

Turns out I was. It wasn't till I spent some time back with them helping an elder family member out that I realsied they were to me toxic nightmares not just very disinterested in my and kids - everyone else kids and DH even IL already knew this - think I spent so long making excuses I'd forgotten what they were like and my life better with them not in it.

You many have happy extended family meeting memories but your DD clearly isn't making them which is fine - as long as she has happy memories with you and others.

This is someone who jumps to the root cause of an issue. It’s good advice.

It’s nasty to say why don’t you go with your own family. It’s a different thing. It’s not just I don’t fancy it. It’s more we wouldn’t want to go with you lot, stick with your own family.

That might be true but generally people don’t make it quite as obvious and are a bit kinder.

Talking about weight loss is tantamount to excusing the other girls' behaviour. We don't know if OP's DD is actually overweight and, even if she were, that doesn't give the other girls the right to be mean.

Healthy diets and exercise are important for everybody, of course, but they won't resolve the reason DD is being ostracized.

ETA: just seen that DD is overweight but I maintain she shouldn't need to lose weight to be accepted by her peers and weight is unlikely to be the real issue.

It isn't and it's not. But so many threads now are waylaid by people who can't read, and only see the bit of an issue that they themselves have fixated on.

I think you probably didn’t handle the initial incident very well, if i had read a text between cousins about DD that wasn’t nice i wouldn’t have confronted them over a text, i would have spoken to sis about what i had read- if they had said it directly to her then different story but what is done is done.
as others have said i wouldn’t force it but also declining invites isn’t a good way to go either, how can cousins include her if she is never there and on the rare occasion you do go she will be the odd one out because she rarely sees them, she becomes the stranger.
i know it is difficult with teens, its hard to get them all involved in games together like little kids but maybe start going to gatherings again but have DD bring some games/nail art things/face masks etc anything to bring the group together in a fun way without pressure of just standing around trying to find something to talk about.

Yes I think this could be the heart of it.

What did you confronting the other child look like exactly? It sounds like that was the main cause of them ignoring her from then on. How did you see a message sent between two other children about your daughter?

All of this has resulted in your siblings and their kids wanting to steer clear of you and your DD which is possibly quite understandable. You read something that wasn’t written to you or DD then had a go at an 11 year old and then tried to get your siblings to make their kids include her. Your sister saying you should take your own family to the theme park suggests the bad feeling is mutual for a reason. I’d accept things won’t go back to the way they were, it’s already been years, and there are several reasons for that.

Oh dear, I don’t want to argue but it isn’t factually possible to claim that what the poster said isn’t good advice. Clearly if a child is overweight taking their diet in hand and ensuring daily exercise is a responsible thing to do. Obviously in this case other advice on how to handle the emotional parts of the question is also relevant..,

Wowsers, you only eat crisps and chocolate on birthdays? What a miserable way to libe.

I'm not entirely sure that all the fault lies with the siblings and the cousins, tbh. Obviously it was a mean text, that's not in question.

But the text wasn't sent to the OP's daughter. It was between the 13 and 14 year old cousins. So I wonder- how did OP come to see the text? And further- why did the OP feel the need to tell her daughter what was said in the text?

As I said, it was an unpleasant text. But it may be that there's more at play wrt the family responses to the OP's overtures.

being excluded so blatantly must be very upsetting for your daughter. I wouldn’t take her to another family event until I was certain it wouldn’t happen. Your not in control of what they do but you are in control of what situations you put her in.

It's understandable that you want to do big family things because you enjoyed them in childhood. But the thing is, the family you have isn't interested in that. Your sister has directly told you that.

The girls are also at rough ages for getting along and the incident with the go-kart has probably only highlighted that, how long ago was it? You say a couple of years when there's a huge amount of growing and changing at those ages so it may not reflect what your nieces are like now. Forcing things is only going to put everyone off more. Take the pressure off and try and build your daughter's confidence so that a chilly reception at family events isn't of great importance to her and stop pushing with the extended family. You can't control their behavior but you can control your reaction to it.

Yeah I agree with this tbh. @Passedproblems I think your nieces are behaving appallingly, and the fact your siblings aren't punishing them for it is shocking. The girls don't have to be friends, of course, but they are cousins, and to me that's a more important relationship than almost any friendship.

I'd be absolutely furious if my kids behaved like this, and my brother would be the same if it was his kids leaving mine out. Completely incomprehensible to me that anyone would let their kids bully their own cousin. Your poor daughter.

Sorry I don't think I have any advice except to try again with your siblings, explain how serious it is - it's bullying - and if nothing changes I'd protect my daughter from it by keeping her away from those cousins.

Does she have other cousins? Siblings? Aunties? A few cousins with no manners isn't a problem if there's a whole family around her who loves her and is kind to her. I have a few weird cousins myself, but the rest of us are close so it doesn't matter. If you can frame your nieces as the weird ones (which they def are) - and surround your daughter with the rest of the family - maybe she'll be less hurt by them excluding her.

You've read an awful lot of tone from one typed line.

The conversation could also have been
OP: I'd love to go to Thorpe Park - do you and your family want to make it a joint trip?
Sibling: Oh, I don't really fancy it /we're really busy at the moment. Why don't you just go with your own family?

Nothing remotely nasty, perfectly normal thing to say.

Yes i do wonder if the ops expectations of trying to create what ia not there has caused their child to be upset, trying to force things doesn't work

It's a bit worrying that a thread about social exclusion you then give advice about weight, nothing else.
Why does being included in a group, family no less, children depend on weight? You're part of the problem.

I def don't agree with the advice to avoid family gatherings (unless these siblings and cousins is the only family). Why should OP and her daughter miss out on the whole family just because some teenage girls are being mean? No way. Tell your daughter not to try to interact with them, and give the rest of her family lots of opportunities to show her how much they love her.

Yes, I agree. The cousins are not obliged to "play nicely" with DD and it sounds like they are not actively making mean comments now. Where are all the adults in this? Why can't DD just sit and chat to the adults in the family?

This is so sad, for you and your daughter.
I think you know there's some dysfunction going on, given your siblings ignore it and you have people in the family actually commenting on how children interact, as though your daughter should assume responsibility for playing nice to keep friendships going. Every family unique etc but it's all rather intense. I agree there needs to be respect, but it goes both ways - you don't have to shrink to make others feel or seem ok in the family pattern.
I backed away after some issues (that had always been there, but I was willing 'happy extended families') and honestly, after the initial sadness it's better all round.
Even your daughter's weight is not such a big deal unless your family has some issues/shame with weight (mine certainly does, all the older women always on a diet, comments on who's got 'big', etc - ugh). Don't make it a thing to drag after her at this age, she'll work it out and health is better. The walks for their own sake.
If cousins become friends, awesome, but otherwise they're just people.
I had such romantic notions about a close-knit family from running as a pack with my cousins as a kid, but we're not close now.
It's v hard and I feel for you

I think it would be more damaging to inflict time with people who disrespect your daughter, rather than spending it with those that she does have fun with. Focus on her friends, people that are nice to her.

Obviously try and have healthy habits as a family too, through nutrition and exercise. But if you and your DD aren't getting anything positive from the family gatherings, you don't have to attend them

Yes but it then gets sidetracked into people who are projecting their own issues onto the OP’s situation.

The main issue is not about people being rude about the daughter’s weight, or the daughter’s issues with her weight or how the OP feels about either of those things. The issue is the family dynamics and how to manage the teens relationships and the OP’s own relationship with her siblings (or not ) and how the daughter feels about thst.