Son signed up for Army training without telling us

[anotherglass]

My 20-year-old son, who is at university studying engineering, has signed up for University Officer Training. He has signed a contract and undergone a medical. We only found out last night.
He is a young man who loves Leonard Cohen, plays the guitar and enjoys building electrical systems. Now he’ll be learning parachuting, marksmanship and how to shoot at targets.
I understand the appeal. Around £50 a week, exciting training, new friendships, adventure, mountaineering, climbing and paid overseas trips. For a young person at university, it must sound like an extraordinary opportunity.
At present, these reservists cannot be deployed. But in the current climate, I am deeply uneasy about how secure that assurance really is, and how quickly this position could change.
I haven’t yet managed to speak to him properly about it. But I am deeply troubled that the possibility of a change in status, including being redesignated and potentially becoming deployable, does not appear to have been made sufficiently clear at the outset.
A quick search online suggests that there is already discussion within parts of the military about getting a greater return on the investment in training university officers by making them deployable. If that is a possibility, surely young people need to understand it before they sign a contract — not simply be told about it if the rules change later.
This is what troubles me most. A package of pay, training, adventure and belonging can be enormously attractive to a 20-year-old. But the potential obligations and risks deserve equal prominence.
I know my son is an adult, and I respect his right to make his own decisions. But I am his mum, and the thought that he could one day be called upon to serve in a conflict — when that possibility is not something we had understood to be part of the deal — is genuinely frightening. Anyone else in the same position? Any thoughts on how to navigate this with son?

I don’t think there’s anything you can do, since he’s an adult and the contract is signed. Their commercials about adventure are very sleek—I sometimes see them on TV.

But to give you a little bit of perspective, I’ll
share my father’s story, which was in a different country, but still might offer some hope. He had studied finance and in the height of the Vietnam War, they were shipping boys out there left, right, and centre. He was in a position where he was about to be conscripted, so he signed up, which offered more options. He had to go through boot camp, where he did learn all of the skills that everyone in the military needs. However, because of his skill set, they sent him to work in the finance department instead—the military needs people to oversee budgets, payroll, etc. And that happened in an office, rather than on the ground in Vietnam.

I don’t know how it works re: selling your skill set to your superiors in the military, but if my own son signed up under these circumstances, I would be researching this and signposting to him.

But you are catastrophising and treating your adult, intelligent son like a child.

So you're OK with other peoples sons defending your freedom, but not your own?

🙄

Op, you are comparing this to many European countries.

quite a few European countries have mandatory army (or other specified) service for young men and women and have had for some time.

Military service is compulsory in switzerland for all adult males (voluntary for women) or they do a civilian equivalent. 3% surcharge on income tax if you don’t

Denmark has mandatory national service for men and women.

and so on.

he hasn’t joined the army, he’s joined the university equivalent of army cadets.

yes, he’ll learn to shoot and do a bit of training. So do army cadets but it doesn’t make them part of the regular army.

as I’ve posted above in other countries every (person/adult male) does basic training to learn to shoot.

he’s not in the army. We are not at war. Russia is doing cyber attacks and other such things but the land war is in Ukraine and likely to stay there. Countries around Ukraine are stepping up militiary preparations as are nato generally.

even if he was in the army (which he is not) he is 20 and he does not have to consult his family.

this is a you issue.

Others have already explained things, so I won't go into that again. As a mum, I understand your worries (particularly if you've not had much to do with the Forces). As someone who has been in the OTC and then went to join up (20-25years ago!!) - I had to duck out just days before my start date as I found out I was pregnant (Sandhurst + Int Corps + pregnancy = not a good idea, particularly as ex walked so I was a single parent) - they do make expectations etc very very clear to applicants (OTC and of course Army).

OTC is brilliant for gaining experience, contacts and giving a taste of military life. Lots of my friends and most of my family have served (in UK and overseas forces). DS's Dad also served. Out of all my career, it is the one thing I regret not doing (however I caveat that with I wouldn't have changed having my son for the world).

My DS (now 20 - and the reason I withdrew!) is now about to start (Regulars). My stepson is also in. Neither are Infantry, both getting (or will get) on the job training. I'm not stupid enough to think that it'll all be a bed of roses, and I pray they're always safe and healthy, but this is what they wanted, what they researched about and what they applied for (after speaking to many who have served). As a mum/stepmum, I made sure they know exactly what they're getting in to, got them to speak to my friends and family who serve/have served and support them.

Best bet is to talk to him.

It is abundantly clear why he didn't tell you. This is his life and choice.

My 21 year old has be in the army for 2 years, he is having the best time he is deployed overseas at the moment and it's a 7 month deployment and he has just asked for a 3 month extension, he initially joined the tank crew but he now wants to train as a medic, it's a fantastic job and one where he will get great life skills.
Yes I worry about war but it's all about the drones now not putting humans on the front line.

No wonder. It’s easy to see why he hasn’t mentioned it at any stage. He knew you would treat him like a child. The truth is he is not a child and he can do as he pleases. I do know the worry as a parent but you ranting about the way people are signed up and not understanding what they are actually signing up for suggests that this infantilisation of your son is not new to him. I really feel for him. He is probably excited for this new adventure in his life but dreading the time when he has to have a conversation with you about it. It’s fine to be worried, but you keep that to yourself as a parent and let your adult children shine. It’s by far no where near one of the worst situations a 20 year old could be in, quite the opposite in fact. You should be proud actually. And, as many have pointed out, if we did end up in such a war where people were made to go to the front line I would far rather mind did that with the training and resilience he is about to embark upon.

I would be so proud of him. Engineers are seldom deployed to the actual front, but many mothers sons are. He's obviously a man with integrity and courage.

Specifically for your son, at 20 he is looking as UOTC until he is 23
If he then chose to go onto an Army career he would under previous age limits be able to extend on to 55 or 60. (Specialists) If he left in the meantime then he could only sign up for Reserves up to 55

Under the revision he could join and leave the Regulars with the option of going back as a Reservist up to 65

On average a Regular officer serves 11 years, which if he went from UOTC to Regular would be his mid 30s. If he were a high flier then maybe longer.

The officer ranks thin out quite quickly, so some do a basic term and leave to the civilian world (they gather many business contacts via the old bot network)
Some try to press for higher promotion and go longer before stepping out

Very seniors are very few, and are also likely to be spotted early with their career mapped out. Unless they do something stupid they know they will go far

My son wanted to join the forces after leaving school at 18, we come from a service family so we are all aware of what it entails.
The agreement was he’d go to Uni then decide, didn’t join the UOTC so I thought he’d decided against it.
As soon as he graduated he applied for the RAF, it took nearly a year from interest to training so plenty of time to back out.
5 years on he’s travelled the world has a great career with interchangeable skills.
Be proud of your son, he could be sitting in his room vaping, drinking and wasting his time, instead he’s chosen a hobby and at this point that is what it is that will benefit his CV.

He's 20yo! Do you consult you parents on career decisions, development opportunities or clubs you might join?

When push comes to shove the army is for killing people and as the government keeps warning us we are getting ever closer to the pushing and shoving. Fitness, adventure, sport, travel, dinners, music, ceremony, camaraderie and employability is the alluring apparatus that conceals that simple truth.

"I'm not a pacifist. I don't believe that this world can afford pacifism. I think pacifism delights the hearts of killers."

The great Mr Leonard Cohen.

Thats standard.

I have a very healthy scepticism for governments and institutions that he doesn't quite appreciate. I can't change his decision but I do want him to be as fully informed as possible about the pros and cons. Just looking at the Army website leads me to believe that naive kids coud easily be hoodwinked into signing up to something that they don't fully appreciate or understand.

Im going to seriously suggest you grow up. How do you think we sleep safe in our beds at night. Because strong men and women stand guard over us in one way or another.
We don't tickle our enemies to death.
.FYI my kids grew up in Namibia and could fire an R5 repeater rifle at age 8. Get over it.

Perhaps, but you're going to expect "someone" to defend you if push comes to shove.

@anotherglass those skills could potentially save his life though....

Given that you haven’t even spoken to him directly about this yet, that would be a good first step before you decide that this experience has been mis-sold to him. He may be very well aware of what the chances of being called up to active service are. It would be useful to get his input here before going off on a tangent.

Why do you think he didn’t tell you he was signing up?

I can understand some level of worry about it, but your reaction (as it reads on this thread) seems quite dramatic and angry. Would he have expected this reaction from you? While you feel he is only considering one side of the picture, you also appear guilty of the same thing - and your fear is for what may happen in the future rather than the facts as they are today.

I think you need to attempt to balance your views before you discuss this with your son. It sounds to me as though it’s potentially a great opportunity for him to develop new skills, meet new friends, and build confidence. I would be proud and try and keep my anxiety about it under control.

It Is fully understandable for you to worry

But step away from the alarmist headlines

For example last week it was “the first who will be conscripted has been confirmed”
Whicn was bollocks as their is no conscription and nothing has “been confirmed”
All they did was name the Regular Reserves and Volunteer Reserves - who are the only commitment other than the Regulars, but didn’t reference anything about the numerous categories

Your son has not committed himself to any deployment. He will either get good experience and fun during his UOTC period then move on to a civilian career. Or he may choose to go onto an Army career (via Sandhurst)
Sandhurst takes about a year, so you are looking to 2030 and beyond if he chose that route

OP it's understandable you're worried but kindly I think you are overly worrying unnecessarily. There has to be some kind of expectation when signing up that you may go to war, that's basic common sense. But doesn't mean they will. DH has been in the army 25+ years, served in Iraq and Afghanistan, but that was then. He's been told for years and years to be preparing for war, this Wes Streeting thing is nothing new. The British army does not have the money to go to war for a start, not in the way that we've seen previously. Cyber attacks are far more likely. It's scary because your his mum and any of us would feel apprehensive about this. But it's far more likely to be an amazing opportunity for him to gain skills, make friends and discover what he wants to do with his life. We have to let our children make their own decisions when they're adults, and support them..

I am sickened at the thought of him learning how to shoot.

well clearly, he isn’t.

OTC can provide lots of transferable skills training for young people, and a sense of community, teamwork etc. It can be great for some people.

If he is an adult old enough to choose university, than he is capable of making a decision as to what groups he wants to take part in there.