DS10 said his birthday was rubbish because I didn’t get him one decent present

[Dizevan]

DS turned 10 yesterday and this morning before school he told me his birthday was rubbish. Apparently I should have got him one good present instead of a load of things he didnt actually want.

I spent about £110 altogether which is a lot for me. I got him a football, a football shirt, a lego set he’d mentioned wanting and a couple of smaller bits. Got his favourite cake as well and let him choose what we had for tea. Nothing amazing but I thought it was a decent birthday and he’d seemed happy enough opening everything yesterday.

The thing is he wants a Switch 2. Has been going on about it for months because one of his friends got one for his birthday a few months ago. He knew he wasnt getting one though because I’d already told him I couldnt afford it. He didnt even ask for one for his actual birthday this year, he’d asked for the other things I’d bought him, which is why I thought I’d done alright really.

This morning he was saying I should have just bought one decent thing rather than wasting money on stuff he didnt want. The lego was something he’d mentioned before and he played with it yesterday so I dont know if he genuinely didnt want any of it or if he’s just annoyed about the Switch.

I’m not expecting him to be over the moon with everything I buy him and I know he’s only 10, but I was quite hurt by it. I’d put money aside for weeks and tried to get him things he’d like. I cant just magic up the money for a Switch because someone at school has one.

His dad hasnt contributed to his presents this year either but thats a separate issue really and I wasnt expecting him to.

I dont want to make him feel bad for being disappointed but I also dont want him thinking birthdays are rubbish unless he gets something expensive. Am I expecting too much gratitude at 10? Would you have a word with him after school or just leave it?

His Dad is shit for not even contributing a thing or participating. Your son will realise this eventually and be more angry with him than anyone else.

Sounds like a learning opportunity for both of you. He needs to be told he can't always have what he wants. Feeling disappointed is fine, being rude and sulking isn't fine. And perhaps you have learned that he would prefer fewer, more expensive gifts than to receive everything on his list. It's not the end of the world.

No, I'm sorry, you're mistaken, but for a very understandable reason. The consoles listed on Music Magpie as Nintendo Switch v2 (e.g. this one https://www.musicmagpie.co.uk/store/products/nintendo-switch-v2-neon-blue-neon-red/) are the original Nintendo Switch console in the updated version released after 2019. They only have a couple of Nintendo Switch 2s and they are £369.99 (e.g. https://www.musicmagpie.co.uk/store/products/nintendo-switch-2-256gb-black/) It's really misleading but it makes a big difference as there are quite a lot of games which are Switch 2 exclusive and cannot be played on the original Switch.

There are relatively few Switch 2s on the second-hand market and prices are high.

It sounds like he was secretly hoping for a switch, and maybe he thought you were throwing him off the scent saying you couldn’t afford one. He’s just 10. I know it hurts, but you’ve obviously done nothing wrong, and he’s just too immature to properly appreciate what you’ve done (what 10 year old is though!)

I looked on CEX for the OP earlier as I agree they are great and items come with a warranty. But because the Switch 2 is so recent, even on CEX the cheapest is £360 and that says 'No DLC' whatever that means!

At 10 i would have looked into getting him a 2nd hand one from somewhere like cash converters. I don't think kids use them long enough to buy new ones - in a years time he will want as PS5 or something bigger.

I don't have a problem buying one expensive gifts rather than lots of small gifts if that's what they want.

Ungrateful child. Some people would love to get a present off their mum.Next year id not buy anything at all.

Even if OP were with the dad, that’s one very pricey present this boy was hoping for.

He does need telling that it’s too expensive. The end. No hand-wringing about getting it wrong. If the ds wants to return his presents, tell him that’s fine. No drama. But there will be no Switch.

I think he’s been very pragmatic about asking for one ‘decent’ thing rather than lots of little things that weren’t quite right, although he probably could have phrased and worded it much better (excessive tact at 10 is a big ask though!).

I say this as someone who has been in your child’s position- I knew the constraints of my DM as a single parent- but couldn’t (and still can’t) get her to understand less is more. I can still remember asking for a specific Jack Wills hoody, and got one non-branded that was similar but not the same and a lot of ‘filler’ presents that were nice, but I’d rather have had the one thing I wanted that would have cost the same as the other presents combined.

If you can’t afford the Switch, which is completely understandable, then getting exactly what he wanted from one of his B-List presents should be the priority. A football team’s third shirt is nothing like the current team’s first shirt.

His awareness of quality > quantity is really good so you could combine it with a plan of saving money from birthdays/christmas etc. Or a conversation of not having a birthday present, then getting a Switch for
Christmas.

Secondhand ones are not significantly cheaper than new ones at the moment - the product is too new to be discounted.

They'll only come down in price significantly when the next new thing comes along and people upgrade.

Anything advertised as a 'Switch 2' for a seemingly cheap price isn't one, as pp explained about Music Magpie listings.

He sounds like a spoilt brat to be honest and you really don't sound angry enough about it. I'm sure with Christmas coming up you can take him to drop his unwanted gifts off at a food bank so children with nothing can benefit from them, since they're not good enough for him. And his Christmas would be very pared back this year.

Unfortunately, brands matter to preteens/teens very much. I completely see where you're coming from, but it's honestly better to buy something second hand on Vinted or ebay, but the exact brand he wants than buy new but something "similar" and not what he asked for.

I would ask him if computer games make people ruder as well as turning their brains to mush

I’d probably have asked him if he’d rather have the money and save it towards a switch or if he wanted some presents. You could also mention it to grandparents etc that he has a little cash pot he is saving for a switch if they’d like to give a gift that is what he’s asked for.
It’s very shit that his dad hasn’t contributed!!!!!

I agree.

I feel sorry for you reading that, OP, I’m sure he will realise one day he has been ungrateful x

Hi. Totally agree with managing expectations etc but why not try to see if you can get one for Xmas.

See what they are in that shop on the high street that sells second hand or on marketplace.
Speak to dad it sounds like he should be doing more anyway. If other family members go in with you too it might be doable.

X

I would talk to him both about it being OK to be disappointed but also its not OK to be ungrateful for entitled

I might even suggests if he feels like this maybe next birthday he should ask for money from everyone and can then put it towards a switch or whatever.. either with it or by saving up as well. Let him learn the value of money

My DS wanted a switch when he was nine, but we made it clear he could buy it himself. So he saved birthday and Christmas money, earned extra money doing chores (eg gardening and car washing for family and neighbours). Took him about 2 years but he managed it. It helped that one of his closest friends did the same so they came up with ideas together.

He is not allowed a Switch 2 anyway, right? He is 10. No consoles in the bedroom, no smartphones.

The great thing about the switch is that it is portable - therefore he can play with his friend on his friend's Switch 2 wherever they are.

If he must have access to a console - which no child does - get a lounge based console such as a used PS5. That way you control when he has access and to which software. And they are far better than a Switch 2.

You've done your best OP. He has been ungrateful. Don't give in and steer your ship in the direction you choose. You are the parent, he is the child.

WTF 'only 10'? There's the problem right there - he's old enough to understand that money doesn't grow on trees and that he got the things he'd asked for. He was very rude and ungrateful; you're not expecting enough from him, not too much!

Exactly, what a spoilt brat

There are some very warped and extreme perceptions here. OP is a single mum apparently not getting hell from her exH.

The boy os hardly spoiled or entitled. 🙄

He is simply a normal 10 year old child trying to figure things out and fit in. His friend received a gift that he'd love to have. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. The issue is that it is financially out of reach for OP, who missed the mark in the gifts she did buy for her son. The boy isn't ungrateful. He's disappointed and expressed it as a normal kid who, I think, has a bit more going on emotionally than OP realizes.

Sometimes a Switch isn't just a Switch.
iykwim

@Dizevan talk with your son about how he's doing, what's really going on and how you can resolve this together. You posted because you care about and deeply love your son. You can work this one out. He's coming into an age where identity is being codified and what someone wears, activities, their home, parents' dress/car/profession/manner and material things are part of it. You can help him navigate this and I'd recommend support for yourself, ie parenting support groups, to help you through it, too. 🩷

You could turn this into a "teachable moment." I'd have a talk with him. Tell him that he can't demand specific presents, that's not how it works and it's rude. He can request them to you but only because you said he could. But even asking for specific items would be rude to do with anyone else, unless they asked him what he wanted.

But then it's still up to you, or anyone else to decide what you can afford to give him and what you want to give him. Nobody ever owes you a present at all so they certainly don't owe you whatever present you prefer.

Tell him that he's a big boy now and he needs to think of how others feel too, including his mother, not just himself. And that the way he spoke to you hurt your feelings.

Ask him how he'd feel if he saved up his money to buy you presents for your birthday, put thought into buying things you'd mentioned or that you thought he'd like, wrapped them and so on and then when you opened them, you said, "Wah! I hate this! You should have gotten me something different! My birthday is rubbish!"

But tell him that as his mother, you do want to know what he'd like for his birthday and other occasions, as long as he remembers that it still doesn't mean he'll get everything he wants. Model the right way he could have expressed his feelings to you, where he tells you how he feels, while still remembering that you have feelings too.

If he still doesn't get it, tell him he'll be punished if he ever speaks to you or anyone else like that again, when they were kind enough to give him a present.

Also, if he doesn't already have an allowance or other way to be able to save up and get some things he wants on his own, it might be time to give him an allowance.

I think you can definitely separate the different parts of this out and teach him something without being either too soft on him or too hard on him. Ten is still very young, there's a lot still to learn. Sorry you got your feelings hurt. :(

All well and good if the OP can actually afford the branded gift