DS10 said his birthday was rubbish because I didn’t get him one decent present

[Dizevan]

DS turned 10 yesterday and this morning before school he told me his birthday was rubbish. Apparently I should have got him one good present instead of a load of things he didnt actually want.

I spent about £110 altogether which is a lot for me. I got him a football, a football shirt, a lego set he’d mentioned wanting and a couple of smaller bits. Got his favourite cake as well and let him choose what we had for tea. Nothing amazing but I thought it was a decent birthday and he’d seemed happy enough opening everything yesterday.

The thing is he wants a Switch 2. Has been going on about it for months because one of his friends got one for his birthday a few months ago. He knew he wasnt getting one though because I’d already told him I couldnt afford it. He didnt even ask for one for his actual birthday this year, he’d asked for the other things I’d bought him, which is why I thought I’d done alright really.

This morning he was saying I should have just bought one decent thing rather than wasting money on stuff he didnt want. The lego was something he’d mentioned before and he played with it yesterday so I dont know if he genuinely didnt want any of it or if he’s just annoyed about the Switch.

I’m not expecting him to be over the moon with everything I buy him and I know he’s only 10, but I was quite hurt by it. I’d put money aside for weeks and tried to get him things he’d like. I cant just magic up the money for a Switch because someone at school has one.

His dad hasnt contributed to his presents this year either but thats a separate issue really and I wasnt expecting him to.

I dont want to make him feel bad for being disappointed but I also dont want him thinking birthdays are rubbish unless he gets something expensive. Am I expecting too much gratitude at 10? Would you have a word with him after school or just leave it?

Not a Switch 2. You wouldn't find a playable second-hand version for less than £300.

You can a Nintendo switch 2 online for £189 refurbished- hopefully you can get him one for Christmas- perhaps if you have any relatives who give your DS any Christmas gifts could chip in £20 each etc

I'd love to see where, please, because I really don't think you can.

My mum does this all the time and it is infuriating, tbh. Asking for a list then buying lots of cheap versions of everything in the list, rather than any of the items specifically mentioned. No matter how many times I say I'd prefer one nice things, she is fired it because she thinks quantity is more important than quality. It doesn't occur to her that there might be a good reason I asked for the nice thing. I can see why a 10 year old would be upset about it.

I do think you need to talk to him about money and being kind to people even if you don't like something. But you also need to listen to him if he's explicitly telling you he'd like one nice thing from his list not lots of cheaper versions of everything.

Okay. That's not the sort of thing we do nowadays

How ungrateful! At 10 he should know better. My oldest is about to turn 10 and if he behaved like that I'd return everything I had bought him or at least take it away until he showed true remorse for his rude behavior.

I also think you should have talked with him about what he wanted and you would have found out about the switch and could have gently explained it wasn't possible. As a mum you should be in tune with that type of thing.

My son wants a switch too, I've explained it's not possible and maybe when he gets a job he can save for one.

He wasn't wrong to be disappointed, but by 10 he should be aware of how hurtful his words could be, and be able to accept disappointment and consider your feelings, accepting the gifts with gratitude.

Every year as a child, I'd ask for one nice or expensive thing instead of lot of cheap things. Every year, my mum told me that I would be disappointed if I didn't have lots to open, so she wouldn't get me the one thing. She'd spend more buying me lots than the thing I'd actually asked for cost! I wouldn't have been disappointed, at all.

One year she did get me the one nice thing and I was over the moon. The next year she then went straight back to buying lots of cheaper stuff because she was disappointed not to see me open lots of things.

Sometimes parents don't know their children better than they know themselves.

I think posters blaming social media for children's covetousness are slightly off the mark. There have always been highly desirable, expensive toys, at least since the 1980s. I think instead social media is to blame for the obsession with providing the illusion of abundance, with loads of lower-cost items to open (whether they are wanted or not) rather than one higher value item. Even people who aren't influencers post photos of their children's (frankly quite sickening) gift piles on Christmas Eve. Heaven spare us from the obsession with getting children lots of 'bits'.

is it more about telling his friends what he got (or didn’t get). Kids at school would have asked and then some horror (who had a switch) would have commented “is that all?”. Sometimes children just want to fit in. They don’t understand family situations at that age. He may well have loved his presents yet still be disappointed.
I bought DD 2nd gadgets when she was that age, she didn’t care as long as she had them, snd could say when asked whT she got.

I think you need to have a conversation with him about gratitude and expectations. You want be doing him any favours if you just let this go.

Have a word about his attitude of course but I also think you need to listen to him as well. Maybe ask more questions about football tops and headphones in the future because particular ones can be very important to preteens and they'd probably rather have one or the other than both but not quite what they wanted.

Exactly, I think this is where OP has missed the mark. He wanted 1 or 2 more expensive items , not lots of cheap alternatives.

OP thinks she was doing the right thing by making the budget stretch further to buy more gifts and bulk out the present pile, but in doing so, she hasn't got him what he actually asked for.

I'd sit him down and say ok, I have 100 pounds to spend per birthday inuding the cake. What would you have preferred for that money?

@Savah
Well sometime soon in the future hopefully,
Very few of us get anything we ever want straightaway do we?
And by the time he's saved a little something he may acquire more through other paying endeavours he could do when hes older anyway

OP, I would see this as him being disappointed he's not as well off as other kids he knows and that's a bit understandable. It can hurt and at 10, while I agree he's old enough to know the price of things and what you can and can't afford and to accept that, I think it's still a lot to live with the fact that you keep seeing people around you who can afford all that.

Hopefully you are building resilience too - focusing on quality family time more than stuff, making sure you model gratitude for what you have and don't focus on stuff that others have, etc. A couple of big disappointments in childhood that you remember (if he even does remember this one) won't wipe out thousands of memories of good times with you.

I would leave it for now (providing he does too) and give him a little time to process his disappointment. Then in a week or so, talk to him about it again, and try and work out if you can give him hope about the switch (if that's what he still wants!) - he's 10 so old enough to think about saving up, maybe he can have it for his next birthday if he only gets a couple of small things for Christmas, etc. Don't focus on what you can't do, but on what you could.

(Edit to add - agree with others, though, if a brand is important enough for him to ask for, it's important to him and you substituting your values for his and ignoring that detail without checking is a bit rubbish).

By the time he saves for it he’ll want something else - probably a mobile phone. That’s how kids are.

I am sure that really stung after your careful thought and effort (never mind sacrifice). Birthdays are really tricky as they can be full of hope and expectation. He’s only 10, it’s natural to be a little self centred. Don’t take it your heart. Give him a hug and tell him if you had the money you would have bought him a Switch 2 without hesitation. Maybe he could start o save pocket money - return the expensive football shirt if possible and start saving..

Music magpie

Indeed. If I were the OP I'd be starting to save for that now. A Switch is one thing, but a good mobile is in quite a different category.

He does sound entitled, but I think knowing he wanted the switch I would have had more of a chat with him about it.
My son wants a similar expensive gift for his birthday that is coming up. I have explained that we cannot pay for it all, but he can have it as a joint birthday and Christmas present and will also have to hand over some of the money grandparents give him to help pay for it.
I would have had this kind of conversation with your son to see whether he would be happy to receive nothing else (we are fortunate that we can afford a few small bits for the birthday and we will still do a stocking for Christmas).

No, you're just entitled.

Aw I’m so sorry as a mum that’s a horrible feeling.

I was struggling a lot when I first got divorced. Setting up on my own etc. I discovered CEX it’s been a godsend my devices for the kids. If you buy CAT A the kids will never know it’s second hand. It’ll be boxed and about half the RRP. I got my son’s VR for Christmas for less than half and he had no clue. Everything comes with a 5 yr guarantee too

'Entitled' doesn't mean what you think it means and comments like this, criticising without offering any insight, don't help anyone.

My daughter got similar presents for her 10th birthday and she would have loved a ps5 but she knew how expensive they are and accepted it wasn't happening. I would be pretty upset if she reacted the way your son did.

The football shirt thing - my daughter wants a new football shirt for Christmas but is undecided because she knows it's expensive and that she would get less other stuff. When I mentioned an older season one, she was appalled. Told me in no uncertain terms that she would rather have no shirt than an old one. That is definitely a thing.

With Christmas coming up, I would definitely try and get him more involved if what he actually wants and what a reasonable budget is. Be clear about what is and isn't feasible. E.g. if he's getting x, then he won't get much else. But if he wants more things, he could get Z and Y. Be clear about the switch. I know kids want them but they are very expensive.

Wow. Agree time for a very serious chat ! There will always be people who have more, and he is bloody lucky to have what he has!
Suggest you sell the stuff he wasn’t keen (!) and set him up with a bank account save up for a second hand version of whatever gadgetry he needs. Get a proper agreement for jobs about the house he could be paid for. Not the basic family mucking in chores expectations but extra stuff you might pay someone else to do eg fence painting, car wash. And get in touch with his dad to start giving him an allowance.