DS10 said his birthday was rubbish because I didn’t get him one decent present

[Dizevan]

DS turned 10 yesterday and this morning before school he told me his birthday was rubbish. Apparently I should have got him one good present instead of a load of things he didnt actually want.

I spent about £110 altogether which is a lot for me. I got him a football, a football shirt, a lego set he’d mentioned wanting and a couple of smaller bits. Got his favourite cake as well and let him choose what we had for tea. Nothing amazing but I thought it was a decent birthday and he’d seemed happy enough opening everything yesterday.

The thing is he wants a Switch 2. Has been going on about it for months because one of his friends got one for his birthday a few months ago. He knew he wasnt getting one though because I’d already told him I couldnt afford it. He didnt even ask for one for his actual birthday this year, he’d asked for the other things I’d bought him, which is why I thought I’d done alright really.

This morning he was saying I should have just bought one decent thing rather than wasting money on stuff he didnt want. The lego was something he’d mentioned before and he played with it yesterday so I dont know if he genuinely didnt want any of it or if he’s just annoyed about the Switch.

I’m not expecting him to be over the moon with everything I buy him and I know he’s only 10, but I was quite hurt by it. I’d put money aside for weeks and tried to get him things he’d like. I cant just magic up the money for a Switch because someone at school has one.

His dad hasnt contributed to his presents this year either but thats a separate issue really and I wasnt expecting him to.

I dont want to make him feel bad for being disappointed but I also dont want him thinking birthdays are rubbish unless he gets something expensive. Am I expecting too much gratitude at 10? Would you have a word with him after school or just leave it?

Yes but OP as his mum knows that if he was only getting one thing, that thing he wanted was the Switch, which she can't afford.

She knows he wouldn't have been happy with one shirt or one pair of headphones as his gift.

I can understand wanting the 'one good thing' tbh. Nearly every birthday present I got, I'd said what I wanted and my parents found a cheaper version. And if you think the other kids at school won't let him know about it, you don't know kids very well.

I teach Y5/6 children. Sometimes they may look and sound like mini adults, but the only ones in my experience who have any idea of the real value of money are the poorest ones, I mean the ones who come from really hardup families. Nobody really does until they first get paid. By all means sit him and down and explain the value of money, and how you couldn't afford it- and also that there's no shame in that, but don't necessarily expect it to go in.
Good luck.

I was taught to "always be grateful for any presents" from a young age, but I didn't understand about money in general for a long time. Sometimes I wish that my parents had explained more about money when I was younger: as a child, and even a teenager, I was blissfully ignorant like so many privileged politicians: I think they tried to protect me a lot from adult worries about money. I didn't even understand that characters such as the Famous Five had things like boarding school and horse riding because they were wealthier than average. I ended up learning most of this late in my teens. (I was all for science, and didn't enjoy reading fiction or watching TV, so I didn't really pick up on these things when other people my age did.) I didn't even get a lot of the humour about "class" in Fawlty Towers when I first watched it.

When choosing my secondary school, they did not explain about school fees at all: it wasn't until years later that I understood the social implications of this, and what a small proportion of children attend private school. My family could just about afford it, but it didn't leave much else: we went on simple holidays in England while my peers talked about skiiing holidays abroad; but it didn't even cross my mind that such things were really expensive.

And I think I was an adult before I understood the difference between cheap things, and well-made things that last much longer.

The son didn’t actually mention the switch and the OP just thinks that’s the issue whilst not recognising that the shirt and headphones missed the mark

it sounds like a conversation is in order. He’s a kid - he doesn’t know things just like that - OP needs to guide him

OP bought the child things he had mentioned.

How can he save because with the way OP talks, he probably doesnt get any pocket money and he is 10!

Give the presents to a charity shop if he doesn't like them.

Yes but not what he asked for, he mentioned he liked a lego set, he never asked for that though.

He wanted certain headphones, he didnt get them.
Football shirt? Last seasons version, no 10 year old wants an out of date kit!

He didnt actually get anything he wanted.

It’s quite possible that if op offers to return the items he will accept.

i used to sell a lot of stuff my kids had grown out of on eBay or Vinted, and while one side of my family were ok with Christmas and birthday lists my in laws were not and wanted all presents to be a surprise

i taught my dc to fe very grateful in person and also to write thank you cards, but many of the presents from in laws they did not want and I sold them on eBay/Vinted for them and they put the money towards things they did want.

yes, socially it’s important to perform gratitude to people who give you gifts. But it seems clear in this case that op has missed the mark significantly and both sides would be a lot happier if either op stuck rigidly to the list (brands DO matter) or gave cash.

At 10 he is old enough to understand his Mother's situation though.

Not if it’s never been explained to him though.

Hes also old enough to understand that she could have just got him one item he acyually wanted instead of the other knock offs. She could of listened to him first.

She is doing the best she can, with no support from the Father.
Try being supportive.
Unless you ARE the Father?

I'm not saying these things to have a go, I get it's hard & I'm not placing judgment but I'm just trying to give you some perspective.

Gaming headsets vary so much, just because they both 'do the same thing' whilst technically correct, that's really not at all accurate - feedback will be slower or not picked up at all (it might not sound like a big deal but does affect lots of games and the outcome of those)

The football shirt - again as an adult getting last season's shirt doesn't matter but children WILL say something.

It really sounds like you've tried to give your son a lovely birthday & as a parent it's awful not being able to fill all our kids hopes and dreams. But please give him some grace, he's disappointed and doesn't know how to express these emotions in a healthy way - you say he was happy when receiving them but later was different, do you think some of that could have been peer pressure? Such as his friends/peers saying 'Oh thats the old shirt, I have the new one' or calling his headphones knockoffs/fakes/cheap?

We have the ability to understand financial dynamics, the ability to recognise life isn't the same for everyone but that doesn't mean we don't sometimes think 'Thats not fair' or 'Why aren't I deserving of have nice things when I work just as hard'

You're doing a good job, but it is important to listen to him - You saying they're the same thing is dismissive & shows a lack of compassion or understanding for how he feels. Honestly to put it bluntly, they're not the same & that's okay because it's what you could afford, the distinction is important though.

Have you considered maybe doing something like a £1 challenge? Or the 1p challenge?

She is doing her best but sometimes we falter. No one is saying she’s a terrible parent - she obviously loves her son

I think op got it wrong with the shirt and the headphones but clearly it was well intentioned. What makes her a good parent is how she deals with the misstep and that is most likely through conversation with her son These posts will hopefully have given her a different perspective to help with that conversation

You're trying to justify and reason with a 10 year old. Your ds wants what he wants.
If money is an issue then tell him to pick one or two things, shop early with him so you know exactly what he wants and budget accordingly.

OP, you said your ex didn't contribute to your son's gifts, did he get him anything at all? Did you say the gifts were just from you or did you try to protect your son's feelings and say they were joint? You obviously can't magic money out of nowhere, but are there any other people who give him gifts? I'm just wondering if Christmas could be all money presents plus a small stocking with a view to buying the switch 2 in the January sales? I'd probably return the football shirt and put that towards it too. I think even at 10 he'll been able to understand what a huge present that is, and that he'd have to sacrifice other things to get it.

What contact does he have with his father?
By this age he needs a positive male role model to put him straight on this.

Honest talking about finance and budgets, express disappointment at his entitlement but forgive him. He’s 10!

Maybe now is the time to ask if he wants money to save up for things, or surprises. Link pocket money to chores etc, so he can learn the value of money in real terms.

How rude of him to say that. He's not even brave enough to actually just say the real reason either.

He wants a switch and nothing else will do. He knows full well that it cost 3x what you could afford and it can't happen. Unless you discuss him getting that then literally nowt for the next 2 Xmas/bdays. If he agreed to that you know he'd still grumble come Xmas if there was nothing for him.

If he genuinely doesn't want the presents and he hasn't used them you can take them back. And the money can go towards the switch fund. Which will take years possibly to reach it's target.

But that's life. Unless he saves his own money or maybe looks at making some money? Washing cars locally or something? Do young kids still do that? I know he's way too young for a job.

But his attitude towards your gifts or at least the way he spoke to you stinks and I'd be saying it's hurtful and rude to say that about any present. From anyone, even a bloody stranger!

So glad it was the sixties when I had children, I had none of this! They were happy with birthday and Christmas presents. They did write a Christmas list but only got some of the things on it. No really expensive presents. No great expectations, no keeping up with the others, no expensive football shirts that would be only worn a few times and discarded. Never got reactions like OP’s child gave. It’s easy to see how it could have been handled better, and no doubt she’s taken suggestions on board, but at the time she did her very best and it must have been distressing to be spoken to like that, so I hope the boy is made to realise how hurtful he was.

Still doesn’t excuse his behaviour, but hope he’s learned a valuable lesson.

I’m going against the grain here and say if you’ve spent £115 on him, couldn’t you have just got him a switch and game bundle off Vinted for that?

He’s allowed to be disappointed but he still needs to know how hurtful his commmets made you so I would address that with him though.