DS10 said his birthday was rubbish because I didn’t get him one decent present

[Dizevan]

DS turned 10 yesterday and this morning before school he told me his birthday was rubbish. Apparently I should have got him one good present instead of a load of things he didnt actually want.

I spent about £110 altogether which is a lot for me. I got him a football, a football shirt, a lego set he’d mentioned wanting and a couple of smaller bits. Got his favourite cake as well and let him choose what we had for tea. Nothing amazing but I thought it was a decent birthday and he’d seemed happy enough opening everything yesterday.

The thing is he wants a Switch 2. Has been going on about it for months because one of his friends got one for his birthday a few months ago. He knew he wasnt getting one though because I’d already told him I couldnt afford it. He didnt even ask for one for his actual birthday this year, he’d asked for the other things I’d bought him, which is why I thought I’d done alright really.

This morning he was saying I should have just bought one decent thing rather than wasting money on stuff he didnt want. The lego was something he’d mentioned before and he played with it yesterday so I dont know if he genuinely didnt want any of it or if he’s just annoyed about the Switch.

I’m not expecting him to be over the moon with everything I buy him and I know he’s only 10, but I was quite hurt by it. I’d put money aside for weeks and tried to get him things he’d like. I cant just magic up the money for a Switch because someone at school has one.

His dad hasnt contributed to his presents this year either but thats a separate issue really and I wasnt expecting him to.

I dont want to make him feel bad for being disappointed but I also dont want him thinking birthdays are rubbish unless he gets something expensive. Am I expecting too much gratitude at 10? Would you have a word with him after school or just leave it?

there’s a lot of attacking a kid without really knowing what he was thinking tbh.

I don't think anyone is attacking this child - they are just suggesting he has behaved inappropriately and that he needs to understand this.

I would go further and say that at 10 he is of the age to know this. If he does not then the OP needs to talk with him about this and make sure he is clear from now on.

If he had been 4, my response would have been different.

What sort of a teenager and adult is going to become if he is not helped to understand that not everything we want comes our way; and that others around us deserve kindness and consideration?

I remember my DD at age 4 being given a very peculiar and inappropriate present by her grandmother - she politely said thank you - whilst later giving me a bit of a puzzled look!

I think things like this are tricky to navigate for both you and your son. Putting aside the fact that he wants a Switch 2 and knows it's unaffordable, I can see why he might be disappointed with the "wrong" football shirt and the "wrong" headphones. Most people want a specific branded version of a thing at times, not the generic version - whether that's Uggs not Next sheepskin boots, or a Jellycat bunny not an equally nice stuffed toy from a cheaper brand, or a Tiffany bracelet, not one from H Samuel (to think of things I wanted in my teens/twenties). There's nothing intrinsically wrong with having a preference (though obviously he shouldn't be ungrateful!).

I think the problem may be that he's just starting to have clear preferences like this so doesn't yet realise a trade off has to be made for most people. He's listed ALL the things he wants because we ask children to make a list, and while he might know a Switch 2 is too expensive, he probably doesn't realise it would be breaking your budget to get the branded/"right" versions of ALL the other things he listed. He might not even have considered that you might get him non-branded versions if he didn't think about the cost - he's only 10.

I wouldn't shout at him - I'd just try to explain that as he gets older he'll need to decide (and let you know) how important is it to get the branded version of whatever he wants, and if only the branded version will do, it will mean getting fewer other things.

Edited several times for clarity/typos.

Because he was rude and entitled. If his Mum disciplines him for being entitled and rude then it may well be a one off. If she follows the prevailing advice on this thread, he will become a rude, entitled adult. It doesn't matter what he was thinking, it's not acceptable and he needs reminder that presents are a privilege, not a right.

@Mischance apologies, I misread your post- I see we agree.

so basically he shouldn’t say anything and let his mum waste money on things he doesn’t want?

I agree his delivery was off but he’s 10 and will learn but ultimately you seem to be saying that he just should nod and say thanks to his mum to be polite and then throw the things In The cupboard and then forget about them. I have bought various things for my kids over the years which I thought were great but they never touched them. Yes they said thanks politely but they didn’t want them. My fault not theirs.

I agree. The OP needs to sadly realise that 10-year-olds are in full rehearsal for teenagerhood mode. In fact I think tweens are worse! If they truly want branded stuff, then so be it.

But otoh it is concerning that a significant number of posters are in the camp where a child can do no wrong and the OP must do whatever is necessary to fulfill her ds’s demands even if she ends up in debtor’s prison. The present was flippin’ £420 he wanted!

I mentioned upthread I worked in a school where kids who were officially deprived were dressed in £££££ of designer trainers and coats. Made the staff very dispirited. Judging by some on this thread, Way-hay - that’s the spirit - spend spend spend if it keeps the kid happy.

OP has already said he has played with the Lego. If he refuses to use the shirt and the headphones because they are "the wrong brand" then the problem runs deeper than just ingratitude and OP should examine why a 10 yo is basing his self worth off a label. If this was a girl pitching a fit over the wrong make-up brand the responses would be all over how shallow she was.

Actually, I think there’s a bit of a learning curve for the OP here.

Sure, the DS was a little rude and at some point there is a discussion to be had around that. However, it’s also a lesson in not spending good money on things that aren’t what the receiver really wants. I totally understand the OPs logic, however as DS grows up it’s going to become even more important to get him what he actually would like. Not saying that has to be the really expensive stuff, but maybe one or two things only, if that’s the budget used up.

i have two examples of this: One Christmas I asked my Mum for some nice towels as it’s not something I’d buy myself. My Mum bought me some mismatched towels from Asda. This wasn’t a cost issue as she also bought lots of other stuff I really wouldn’t use. Now, I said thank you and acted grateful, but really she just wasted her money. For my 40th Birthday I would have loved a nice handbag. My DH decided I should have a watch instead. It cost a lot more but sits largely unused as I rarely wear a watch. Again, I was grateful, but it really wasn’t what I wanted. As an adult that’s disappointing, as a child that can be really hard to deal with. Also, it’s a waste of money.

Theres a fine line I think between being grateful that someone has thought of you, and disappointed that they didn’t really listen to you.

Very few people have said she should have bought him the switch

its more about buying the thing he actually wanted and him getting less. Of course she shouldn’t be spending money she doesn’t have but wasting money on things that won’t be used is also a waste

its not about spoiling him but about acknowledging his feelings and explaining why his behaviour was wrong and starting a conversation around the value of money

it sounds like this kid doesn’t get presents from anyone else so he’s hardly a spoilt monster

But if he wanted a certain brand why isn’t he allowed to save up for it rather than be forced to have the one he doesn’t want?

my children used their own money to buy Apple AirPods as they are better quality and that is the ones they wanted than the £20 ones I choose to buy for myself (I am prone to losing them so won’t spend much money on them!)

Of course he can. He can go out and offer to wash the neighbour's cars, feed their cat whilst they are on holiday, or maybe OP can offer him a few quid to do some garden work. What he can't do is demand that his wishlist is fulfilled exactly to specifications each birthday and Christmas and be rude if it isn't.

There is a heck of a lot of attacking this young kid. Look at the number of posts MN have deleted.

Right so what should he do with the headphones him mum bought him if he saved up to buy the ones he actually wanted? Seems a waste of money to me but if you think he should just say thanks and put in a cupboard then fine

Would you trust a neighbours 10 yo to wash your car?

If Op doesn't have much spare cash what makes you think the neighbours will be flush enough to be willing to spend money on her kids car washing?

We do!

Yes of course I would. A fiver as a one off is very different to a £500 switch.

Why does he need his headphones to be a specific brand?

Because they are better quality and he wants the nicer ones. Why does he need to give a reason. If that is what he wants and would be willing to have one big present totalling the amount of all the other ones put together then my view (and the view of others on the thread) is that he is old enough to be involved in that discussion.

he was clearly rude to his mum and he should apologise to her for the delivery of the message but what should come out of this is more communication between them about how he wants to spend the budget for his birthday so he gets the things he actually wants rather than this happening again. He’s 10, he’s growing up. When I was that age it was all about the trainers. No self respecting child would have been happy with dunlops when everyone was wearing Nikes.

Adults have adult ways of dealing with 'unwanted gifts' charity shop, bung in back of cupboards, try to return and exchange, regift to someone else.

Children just don't have those options, hes disappointed and doesn't really know how to say without hurt because he probably doesn't have any ability to salvage the situation.

They get so hyped up and excited im getting a new footy top or new turtle headphones. The we wonder why it all crashes down because they've spent weeks counting down the days getting more and more hyped up.

I don't think this wee guy sounds spoilt at all he only seems to get from mum.

Except a well known, expensive, brand isn’t always better quality than a cheaper one.

He wanted the earphones for gaming so it may be the functionality was different

No different functionality. The OP is clear in that.

He's 10, his headphones 🎧 don't work, its a source of frustration for him and pals. His pals are probably telling him, "mine are x make and really good".

Remember hes only a wee boy of 10!

Does she really know? She thought the Thor kit from last season was as good as this years first kit!

But they weren’t the ones he wanted. The OP decided to get cheaper headphones so that the budget went further. Her son would have rather had fewer gifts and the branded headphones he wanted. Whether a brand is worth is can only be determined by the person who has the item. For some it will be, for some it won’t. And it’s also a helpful lesson if the son finds it’s not worth it in being sucked in by pointless branding at the ten, if that’s all it is. And if it is a better products he’ll enjoy it.

Personally I find it frustrating when people gift me not quite the item I wanted. I’d say thank you (and it sounds like on opening the gifts the son said thank you and appeared grateful) but privately wish I had what I wanted. I’m also an adult with the capacity to sell an unwanted gift and fund by myself the item I want without the gifter knowing. A ten year old can’t do that with his mum. I don’t think there’s anything wrong or bratty with someone having a preference for gift giving and communicating that with very close family, especially for pricy gifts. It’s not the same as Fred over the road giving a Bounty bar when you hate coconut, and you just smile and pass it on. There’s kind and unkind ways to phrase it, and the OP should let her son know if he was rude and how that made her feel, but I don’t think the son was wrong to say that he’d rather fewer gifts but ones he really wants.