DS10 said his birthday was rubbish because I didn’t get him one decent present

[Dizevan]

DS turned 10 yesterday and this morning before school he told me his birthday was rubbish. Apparently I should have got him one good present instead of a load of things he didnt actually want.

I spent about £110 altogether which is a lot for me. I got him a football, a football shirt, a lego set he’d mentioned wanting and a couple of smaller bits. Got his favourite cake as well and let him choose what we had for tea. Nothing amazing but I thought it was a decent birthday and he’d seemed happy enough opening everything yesterday.

The thing is he wants a Switch 2. Has been going on about it for months because one of his friends got one for his birthday a few months ago. He knew he wasnt getting one though because I’d already told him I couldnt afford it. He didnt even ask for one for his actual birthday this year, he’d asked for the other things I’d bought him, which is why I thought I’d done alright really.

This morning he was saying I should have just bought one decent thing rather than wasting money on stuff he didnt want. The lego was something he’d mentioned before and he played with it yesterday so I dont know if he genuinely didnt want any of it or if he’s just annoyed about the Switch.

I’m not expecting him to be over the moon with everything I buy him and I know he’s only 10, but I was quite hurt by it. I’d put money aside for weeks and tried to get him things he’d like. I cant just magic up the money for a Switch because someone at school has one.

His dad hasnt contributed to his presents this year either but thats a separate issue really and I wasnt expecting him to.

I dont want to make him feel bad for being disappointed but I also dont want him thinking birthdays are rubbish unless he gets something expensive. Am I expecting too much gratitude at 10? Would you have a word with him after school or just leave it?

No I’d sit my child down and talk to them.

he’s ten. His mum tried her best but if you read the thread it is acknowledged that she got him things he didn’t want. Lovely he got gifts but he’d have likely have preferred one thing which was better quality than quite a few things he didn’t want.

making children simply be grateful for something even if it isn’t what they want helps no one and suggesting he was all uppity and ungrateful is pretty cruel. Should he have reacted like that - no, buts he’s 10.

the best course of action is to both just talk to each other. Work out how to do things In the future.

Fair enough I suppose. But imo he WAS ungrateful and I worry that this sort of thing, while it leads to a happier resolution for the individual child, is teaching kids that the world revolves around them and their wants and ignores the foundation of understanding of their parents as human beings with feelings (and therefore that other people like teachers and school friends have feelings that matter too).

Tact is a learning process.
Hes 10 next year's birthday is a whole year away, thats a 10th of his entire lifetime.

He probably thought that mum knew he wanted this years top, rather than last years 3rd top, which probably wasn't on his radar.

I suppose mentioning tact and how it’s rude to complain about presents could be part of the talk. Fine you’ve convinced me, I was wrong and the talk is the way to go.

I’d still call him Princeling though… as a joke at the end.

I remember when I was 9, for Christmas, there was this doll I really wanted - I had pointed it out to my parents and was told I could have it, it was beautiful as my nine year old self thought, only a small doll but dressed in lovely velvet and lace Victorian clothes, with ringleted hair and a delicate face. I was so looking forward to it.

On the day, I was opening my presents as my sister and I always did, with my parents and grandparents watching. When I opened the doll-sized box what I found was a really horrible doll, in the 'kitsch' style that was fashionable then, orange-y coloured skin, pouty red lips, bright yellow short curly hair, a modern pink nylon dress. Everyone was watching so there was nothing to do but feign delight at it, but I was bitterly disappointed. I didn't feel I could ask why I didn't get the one I wanted without spoiling everyone's day, so I never found out whether it was a mistake or they'd decided the one I wanted was too expensive.

In later life I have reminded myself that there were and are many children who get no presents, or face a Christmas Day of abuse, chaos, parents with addictions etc. so I was lucky to be opening presents surrounded by my loving family, even if they weren't what I had hoped for. But it does take age and wisdom to have that perspective!

We stayed in a hotel years ago and ds, probably about 10 too, turned his nose up. Boy, dh went mad. The words “entitled” and “prince” rent the air. All was made up quickly, and the name of the hotel has become synonymous with anyone displaying entitled behaviour, but ds learnt that he had been rude and hurtful. And we certainly did not give him a hug, apologise for getting the hotel wrong nor immediately move to a hotel more in keeping with ds’s 5* ambitions.

The important thing here is that the OP does not feel bad for not getting her son exactly what he wanted. She needs to be firm and kind and say "It is a shame that you feel like that", rather than "I am sorry, I got it wrong."

Of course a child is allowed to be disappointed; of course it is right to respond to that sensitively - but he also needs to know that the exact gift he wants is not an entitlement and that he needs to begin to understand that he cannot always have what he wants. And that it is important to thank people for their gifts in a polite way,whether it is exactly what you wanted or not. Ask him how he might feel if he spent his pocket money on a gift for someone who told him it was rubbish.

OP needs to be the adult here - not to grovel to his demands and be apologetic! Sensitive but firm is the way to go.

In later life I have reminded myself that there were and are many children who get no presents, or face a Christmas Day of abuse, chaos, parents with addictions etc. so I was lucky to be opening presents surrounded by my loving family, even if they weren't what I had hoped for. But it does take age and wisdom to have that perspective! ...... and it takes guidance from parents to reach that perspective.

Go really gently with this. If he doesn’t mention it again I’d leave it for a couple of weeks but have another chat about manners and gratitude before Xmas, but also say it’s ok for him to have big feelings and natural to feel disappointed if he doesn’t have expensive things - all humans do - you as mum might wish you had a nicer car or a more long haul holiday or a new sofa, but the money just isn’t there especially with only one adult income (are you able mum?)
You can talk a bit about family values, like kindness gratitude and honesty, and how they can clash a little in a situation like this, which is tough for everyone.

if you would be ok with him having a games console, perhaps you could explain how much £500 is, eg a months worth of food, flights for both of you to Spain and back, two years worth of school uniform.
and you could look at pocket money and saying up Xmas money and show him if he saves £x then he could have it by age 12. Maybe give him a way to earn extra cash by extra chores of 50p each. Or sell his old toys or clothes (unless you need the money from this) on Vinted. A lesson in the real world!

I’d bag it all up when he’s at school and when he asks where it is tell him you’ve returned it to the shops as he didn’t like it.

So children have to be grateful because parents habe decided to spend money on them to buy them things they didn't want because the parents just got what they thought rather than what the child themselves wanted?

So parents do it for themselves not the children they say they care about

@pollybell what would you do if your dc asked for something way beyond your budget? Is that your failure not to supply what the child wanted?

OP believes he is upset about the switch but didn’t seem to get that the shirt and headphones may have been the issue.

I suspect he would have been happy with just the new home shirt if that’s all OP could afford

there’s a lot of attacking a kid without really knowing what he was thinking tbh. That’s why I think a conversation is the way forward. Let him express his feelings but also have a conversation about gratitude etc

Communicate before hand, sure a child asking for a Ferrari is unrealistic but setting expectations beforehand can't really hurt

Not sure what pollybell would do but personally (as I did with my children) I would sit them down and say this is the budget for your birthday what would you like. Give me 3 or 4 things and you will get some/all of them. I then buy a couple of tiny things as surprises for them to open such as chocolate. I then say you can move the others to your Xmas list.

clearly he knew he wasn’t going to get the switch but I would definitely have offered that in lieu of bigger pressies we can put the money into savings so they can save for it.

the OP hasn’t done anything wrong but just learning that things change as kids grow and they start to want specific things. I have always felt it is better to get them exactly what they want than compromising and them being disappointed and the money gets wasted.

Be more Ben Affleck!
(picture included that will load at MNs leisure 🙄).

Sometimes we all receive gifts that arent the exact things we want. The polite thing to do is to say thank you, because someone has taken the trouble to get a gift for you. That isnt emotional repression - it is basic manners and empathy. Opening a present and saying it is 'rubbish' is just unkind. Kids are on a journey to learning politeness. They arent awful people if they say the wrong thing, but equally not calmly discussing how your words impact others means they are going to continue to act in a self centred way.
I can remember the disappointment of not getting what you want. I wanted a particular kitchen set (the one on the advert where she put the swiss roll & beans on the plate - i thought it really worked - foolish 80s child). Instead i got a smaller, much more basic hob. However, i didnt complain because i knew you cant always get what you want. That is just part of growing up. Im still waiting for that frosty ice maker thing .... I find it mind boggling that people are trying to make a parent feel bad for not buying the right item or brand. Sometimes you just cant stretch the budget or (because parents are human) not fully understand how important a specific brand feature etc. is to a child.

That's what im thinking too, the new home shirt would have been a winner.

I definitely think it's salvageable and swap the 3rd strip for a this year's home top, yes it will be about £20 more even if it means a bit less off the Christmas budget

Christ, when did kids get the message it was ok to act like such entitled little horrors?

He's 10 hes still learning.

When did children enter the world knowing exactly how to behave and how to handle disappointment

I agree. If you want x brand something, but get z brand, then it’s not the same, is it?

my father used to do this - my mum would ask for a particular item, and he would get something similar instead. Eventually he learned!!

Another point to bear in mind is that it’s a bit different when the present is from other relatives or friends - you just smile and thank them no matter what.

but for children, the presents from their parents are often the only opportunity to receive what they really want. So I think it’s better to have a conversation about what is affordable and then buy them something that they really want rather than the cheaper alternatives, which are never going to be right.

Two extremes views on here. Meeting in the middle and talking about both their feelings and actually teaching a ten year old, is conducive to a much better relationship going forward. Neither OP nor her ds have handled this well, but they can both learn and move on to do better in the future.
But not understanding each others perspectives leads to the dysfunctional relationships that are so rife on many posts on mumsnet.

Totally agree.
A conversation needs to be had.

And make sure Christmas which is just round the corner is full of hits rather than not quite hitting the spot. It might take the surprise out of it but will make for a happier Christmas

It would appear from this thread that it was probably around the time parents decided to rebadge being spoilt and ungrateful as "expressing disappointment" and the correct response is to cuddle, have a nice chat, and get them better presents next time. I suppose I should just be grateful that it's not me having the deal with the entitled monsters they are creating.