DS10 said his birthday was rubbish because I didn’t get him one decent present

[Dizevan]

DS turned 10 yesterday and this morning before school he told me his birthday was rubbish. Apparently I should have got him one good present instead of a load of things he didnt actually want.

I spent about £110 altogether which is a lot for me. I got him a football, a football shirt, a lego set he’d mentioned wanting and a couple of smaller bits. Got his favourite cake as well and let him choose what we had for tea. Nothing amazing but I thought it was a decent birthday and he’d seemed happy enough opening everything yesterday.

The thing is he wants a Switch 2. Has been going on about it for months because one of his friends got one for his birthday a few months ago. He knew he wasnt getting one though because I’d already told him I couldnt afford it. He didnt even ask for one for his actual birthday this year, he’d asked for the other things I’d bought him, which is why I thought I’d done alright really.

This morning he was saying I should have just bought one decent thing rather than wasting money on stuff he didnt want. The lego was something he’d mentioned before and he played with it yesterday so I dont know if he genuinely didnt want any of it or if he’s just annoyed about the Switch.

I’m not expecting him to be over the moon with everything I buy him and I know he’s only 10, but I was quite hurt by it. I’d put money aside for weeks and tried to get him things he’d like. I cant just magic up the money for a Switch because someone at school has one.

His dad hasnt contributed to his presents this year either but thats a separate issue really and I wasnt expecting him to.

I dont want to make him feel bad for being disappointed but I also dont want him thinking birthdays are rubbish unless he gets something expensive. Am I expecting too much gratitude at 10? Would you have a word with him after school or just leave it?

I agree the personal attacks to the other poster need reporting but calling a child who has told his mum his birthday was rubbish an ungrateful little shit isn’t the ‘nastiest, iciest vitriol’ on MN. Have you even seen other MN threads? This is mild compared to those threads.

My colleague told us his son was a little shit the other day for something he did at home. He loves his son to bits, it’s not vitriol, he said it in a setting where his son wouldn’t hear, just as this is an anonymous forum.

I think OP should sit with her son, reinforce that she loves him and speak to him about how they can make future presents better within her budget.

You're completely missing that point. The pp isn't trying to make you 'feel shit about the presents you bought'. Perhaps you were feeling too emotional to understand. The pp is explaining that whilst you might think a few cheaper versions of the items he wants is better than one more expensive thing he actually wanted is better, your sons clearly told you that's not his opinion, and in this case it's his opinion that matters not yours. You might feel better buying him more to open, but he won't. Brands and up to date seasons unfortunately begin to matter to kids at this age, and if you can afford to buy specifically what he asked for why not? I can't imagine growing up that if you wanted a pair of Nike trainers and your parents got you umbro instead so they could also get you something else that you didn't actually want, that you'd have been pleased

That’s a bit patronising. OP clearly says in that post that she does understand where that poster is coming from. But she knows her son and knows he wouldn’t have just been happy either way because what he’s really disappointed about is not getting the Switch.

I think OP does need to talk to her son more about future presents and the possibility of buying second hand or one main gift but I think she knows her son to know he wouldn’t have been happy with a £100 football shirt as his sole present.

I was referring to the persistent personal attacks. I’m not going to repeat them.

There are lots of posts from adults who are disappointed with gifts they receive, usually women. I recall one woman being upset as she had been bought some really lovely earrings (her words), but because they were the same as the DD or DSD she then was unhappy not to have been given something different and questioned the thought that had gone into the gift. Then there are multiple posts from women saying how their birthday has been forgotten or it was low key with minimum effort (in their view) so I am not sure why so many people have jumped on this post calling a child so many names.

OP needed a proper chat about the switch. While he is old enough to know it was unrealistic, I think he is still young enough to have that belief that maybe it would magically happen.
I think she also needs to acknowledge that he is older and brands do matter. While it's true you can't always have what your friends have, it is as others say better to buy less and buy better, than thinking lots of things are more impressive.

Op I hope you are both ok, some people have been seriously horrible about your little boy.

Give him a big hug. Tell him you love him and ask if he wants you to return anything.

There's a really big difference between naming an individual behaviour and repeatedly judging the whole personality of an unknown child based on a few hundred words from his mother. I found that series of overnight posts pretty chilling too tbh, and not at all comparable to a comment from an otherwise loving but frustrated parent in real life.

Thank you! Awful way to speak about a 10 year old, who’s still in primary school learning about the world and navigating brands.

The report was quite late tbf, MN probably open around 9am. I’m not entirely sure, on what specific time. Will give them some time to look into it.

It sounds like you made an effort but I don’t think kids usually want the third shirt of a footie team. The away kit is probably ok. You might not think it’s a big deal but I think for kids getting a football team shirt is exciting and they would usually want the current season first or possibly away kit.

I think he is trying to communicate that he would have preferred for example the better headset and no third team shirt. It’s pointless making a list and then getting things that are similar but not what you asked for.

By that age the boys in DS class would all give £10 in a card when they had parties & he used to save up that money plus any family cash. That was how he was able to afford Xbox & scooters etc. We weren’t able to afford big gifts either but that was how he used to purchase bigger items. Does he have any savings?

I’ve never seen other comments like this to be honest, but I do believe you.

He’s 10 years old, at that age brands are very important. He’s navigating the world and learning about it.

I do think OP missed a mark by not listening to exactly what he wanted. Get him one thing off the list, then teach him how to save for the others. In life can’t get everything you want.

TikTok Christmas/Birthday hauls don’t help either.

Women do get upset, presents from their DH.

I remember one DW was upset her DH got her an outdated model of Dyson hairdryer thing. Everyone criticised him and told her, to tell him to get her the right model and up to date. He got her the cheaper version, claimed it would do the same thing and saved money.

Yes I remember that post too! And you are right, when the men in these scenarios get it wrong then they are highly criticised.
I get that in this case the mum had a limited budget but that could be true in the many other examples on MN of disappointed adults.
I think at 10 it is ok to still express disappointment at the gifts, he just couldn't articulate it clearly, however the OP knows the reasons so it needs to be how things are communicated better in the future between them.

Even FB it's common for people to post a bundle of birthdays gifts.

Growing up I'd get one thing from my parents. I didn't know a bundle of stuff was a thing until I saw other people's FB posts when I was an adult.

Ops didn't quite hit the mark, the kids disappointed but people on here have been absolutely brutally horrible to this little kid.

Op could you return some of the bits and the top and just get him this seasons shirt?

I do remember that DW saying, they can afford the new Dyson. Her DH was just being cheap and stingy.

It’s a materialistic world, he needs to learn to navigate it with the help of his mother.

I don’t really use Facebook, but good to know!

I agree.

And the thing about FB its people you actually know.
The folk you meet on the school run, its not just random influencers on tiktok which I don't use.

Yeah my dad would have too. He was vile and I hated him. I have trouble expressing myself as an adult, and am very passive aggressive as a result.

OP, he's 10. Dissapointment and frustration are normal human emotions and we have to learn to deal with them and express ourselves appropriately.

His emotions are perfectly valid, just needs a little work on how he deals with those emotions. I still struggle sometimes myself.

Exactly this. I’d give him a cuddle and say how can we plan for the things you want next time. He’s 10. He’ll feel bad when he’s older but now he’s disappointed. I’d honestly prefer my child to feel they can express their emotions to me than just bottle it up.
Giving a child a hug when they are dealing with disappointment is fine, but telling a gift-giver that their present was rubbish and telling them what they should have done is just plain rude and he needs to know that is wrong.
He certainly does not need apologies from his mother.
Not always getting what we want is a hard lesson. Not being rude and ungrateful is another lesson that is important too.
With Christmas coming up, I hope that parents are able to rein in expenditure and not give in to unreasonable demands. This idea of gifts as an entitlement gives me the shivers.

Yes, there are some very worrying posts on here, making the OP out to be a useless mother “cos brands matter” .

No wonder parents get into debt if they feel that their kids’ approval, nay love, is reliant on coming up with the right goods. I worked in one of the worst schools in the country. Kids came to school without a pencil case, but had on Nike trainers and some had Canada Goose jackets.

At the most dramatic end of the scale we have kids looting in France, as if a pair of pricey trainers is an entitlement that is sadly out of reach for the poor in society, rather than a luxury item.

Ok, the ds was disappointed. But he needs telling firmly that new-edition Switches are £400. As I said previously, he can return the gifts he got but no more is said about it. No prostrating with apologies and hugs by OP.

OK he didn't tell her in the best way that actually mum I'd have preferred this years latest top and not last years 3rd top, lego and football and whatever other bits she got him. But I'm not going to slate a 10yo for being emotional and lacking in tact in saying

But it's never an easy conversation to have but sometimes you do need to tell a gifter they are missing the mark.

Or you end up in a situation where you've been getting the same thing for years but unable to actually say anything. I remember working with someone who's ils always give them board games, that went to the charity shop, they eventually felt they needed to say something.
You see in on MN all the time, someone smiles gratefully, the giver thinks jackpot, and repeats only for the MNer to come on saying I don't know how to stop this...

Look, you did your best, you did what you thought was right and it came from the right place, your heart, it won't be the first or last time your child makes you feel like shit, it kind of comes with the territory i'm afraid, and it's getting worse as social media and peer pressure fills children's heads with unrealistic demands from life.

What i would do though just because you need to make sure he understands how different reactions, words affect people in different ways is sit him down and say, i'm sorry if you thought your birthday was rubbish but i tried my best to make you happy, unfortunately things are very expensive these days so we can't always afford the things we really want, it made mummy feel a bit sad.

Well if he didn’t want any of it it won’t hurt him when you take it all away will it…. Oh he does want to keep it? But why when it’s all rubbish and not good enough for his highness?

And people wonder why their children won’t talk to their parents and keep everything bottled up inside when they have parents like this

‘Bottling up’ that you dislike the gifts someone spent their own money on you and you think aren’t good enough is what you do.. do you let your children open gifts at a party and say ‘this is rubbish get me something else?’
He’s old enough to have a little tact and say ‘thanks for my gifts, you know next year I might like the 2027 shirt’.