DS10 said his birthday was rubbish because I didn’t get him one decent present

[Dizevan]

DS turned 10 yesterday and this morning before school he told me his birthday was rubbish. Apparently I should have got him one good present instead of a load of things he didnt actually want.

I spent about £110 altogether which is a lot for me. I got him a football, a football shirt, a lego set he’d mentioned wanting and a couple of smaller bits. Got his favourite cake as well and let him choose what we had for tea. Nothing amazing but I thought it was a decent birthday and he’d seemed happy enough opening everything yesterday.

The thing is he wants a Switch 2. Has been going on about it for months because one of his friends got one for his birthday a few months ago. He knew he wasnt getting one though because I’d already told him I couldnt afford it. He didnt even ask for one for his actual birthday this year, he’d asked for the other things I’d bought him, which is why I thought I’d done alright really.

This morning he was saying I should have just bought one decent thing rather than wasting money on stuff he didnt want. The lego was something he’d mentioned before and he played with it yesterday so I dont know if he genuinely didnt want any of it or if he’s just annoyed about the Switch.

I’m not expecting him to be over the moon with everything I buy him and I know he’s only 10, but I was quite hurt by it. I’d put money aside for weeks and tried to get him things he’d like. I cant just magic up the money for a Switch because someone at school has one.

His dad hasnt contributed to his presents this year either but thats a separate issue really and I wasnt expecting him to.

I dont want to make him feel bad for being disappointed but I also dont want him thinking birthdays are rubbish unless he gets something expensive. Am I expecting too much gratitude at 10? Would you have a word with him after school or just leave it?

I remember being really excited because I thought I was getting a tracksuit for my birthday. I was 13 or 14. I wanted one so, so badly for school sports. I talked about it and told everyone I was getting it: my parents had asked me what I wanted. I didn’t get it. In fact I never had one.

I don’t remember what I was given. There was no explanation, no acknowledgement that I wasn’t being given what I’d asked for. We weren’t well off, but they could have afforded it.

I remember just swallowing and saying “thank you”.

It seems odd to me that everyone is telling @Dizevan that she could have afforded what her DS wanted when she’s said clearly that she can’t.

I understand her son being disappointed but I also understand how bad @Dizevan feels. There has to be a conversation to acknowledge his disappointment but also to acknowledge that his mum would have bought it for him if she could have done that. It’s a hard lesson to learn, but you can’t always get what you want.

It’s hard as he’s being ungrateful but also he’s only ten and very disappointed. If I were you I’d suggest discussing how to get this for him which would include taking some of those gifts back to the shop and saving money. It might mean saving up for some time and you could combine the birthday refund money with his Xmas present money. He will need to accept that it will be his only gift though and likely second hand.

I’d take everything back. What did his dad get him? Any comments made to his dad?

OP said the dad did nothing. I imagine her son has a tough enough time with his dad that he may be more open with his mum about his feelings. He just didn’t express it very well this morning

@Dizevan - dont feel bad. You did your best & tried to get him things he wanted. If something isnt in the budget, it isnt and a switch 2 wasnt. It is fine for him to be a little disappointed & it can be hard when friends can afford & get stuff you cant. However, his birthhday wasn't 'rubbish' . He has a mum who loves him and tried her best to give him things he wants and give him a nice day. I'd say that. You can acknowledge he wishes you could afford a switch 2, but also explain how hurtful his comments are.
Sometimes our budget doesnt stretch to the phone, trainers or clothes brand my DD would like. I do try when I can, but the bottom line is sometimes you cant. I just explain that.

£40 a month - to save to get him one next birthday or £20 a month to buy it in 2 years, and maybe get it Black Friday. Imagine his face the day he gets it. He might want something else by them, but that money can go towards it.

hopefully spurs him on to get a good job so he can buy what he wants when he’s older and realise how shit his dad is for also not contributing.

Couldn't you have looked at getting it second hand or even explained that you can't afford the new switch 2 so get a cheaper original Switch?

Or even a second hand original switch?

Expensive birthday presents are not a right ... no presents are. Your son needs to learn that. And how to be polite and grateful.

Snap. I agree with this. I’d be really upset if my son was this rude.

I don’t understand why your didn’t save the £110 and make him wait till Christmas to learn the value of money and being patient, he can’t have everything he wants at once?

Also, if a lot of these posters DH got them the unbranded version headphones or blouse, they wouldn’t be happy either.

Ask him to send you links of what exactly he wants, it’s not your birthday.

You are spectacularly missing the point.

Exactly this. I’d give him a cuddle and say how can we plan for the things you want next time. He’s 10. He’ll feel bad when he’s older but now he’s disappointed. I’d honestly prefer my child to feel they can express their emotions to me than just bottle it up.

I think i would be telling him how hurtful he is being, that you saved for weeks for those presents amd if he doesn't like them he can lump it tbh. I think he is being entitled and a typical 10 year old.

Op did her level best and having a 10 yr old use her as the whipping boy because he didn't get the expensive all singing all dancing present is not on.

You sound like you’re being obtuse here. Last seasons shirt “that doesn’t mean it’s outdated does it?” Of course it does. These football shirts are stupid prices. If it’s an adidas top, sign up to their app and their running app. Activities logged mean money off. It can just be walking. I get points which add up to % off but also £ off and I think you can use more than one. See if you can find gift cards at a discount or abother app where you can get money off. Alternatively, find a good fakes website. I got the new Celtic tops for £13 each. Apparently you can’t tell the difference. It’s something like Jersey hot shop.

the thing is he wanted a switch but knew there was no chance so didn’t ask. Of course he’s gutted he didn’t get a switch. I’m gutted every birthday someone doesn’t buy me a car or even better a house. It doesn’t matter if you know you aren’t getting it. When you’re 10 and your friends have it, you feel shitty. He’s allowed to feel upset that he can’t have what he wants. He’s old enough to know it’s mean to say but he’s young enough to not always be able to portray it well. None of that puts blame at your door. It’s just life.

for Christmas, get a specific list and see what deals you can get. Start now.

Are you seriously suggesting no birthday present for a ten year old to learn the value of money? Fucking hell.

Wait, is that sarcasm?

Or, instead, she could tell him that since he's been spectacularly ungrateful he can stick his specific list up his spoilt little behind and if he's very lucky he'll get an orange in his stocking.

It's really not surprising we have an epidemic of entitled young men thinking they are entitled to women's labour when a 10 yo throwing a tantrum over a perfectly nice selection of gifts gets a cuddle and a promise of better presents next time.

And no, I do not throw a fit when DH buys me a gift because I'm not an insufferable madam. If it's really not to my taste maybe I'd suggest he returns it but that's never happened.

I’m not being sarcastic, I think it’s a waste of money to spend on products he didn’t want. At his age, brands matter. If he gets one present, so be it. Rather than tat presents he doesn’t want, it will go unused and to landfill. It’s not sustainable. I didn’t mean no presents all together, I meant one good present and they can save together for the switch 2.

Switch 2 is £400/500, if he saves up along with his Mum he will value it more. I was taught, if you can’t afford something then you save for it.

The blouse comment was slightly flippant, but I remember a thread where a woman wanted a Dyson hairdryer thing but her DH got her the old model, not the latest one as it was cheaper. She was disappointed. He could definitely afford the new one.

It’s like asking for Nike trainers, but getting Sketchers…

I just don’t think it’s sustainable to get a lot of tat presents. Just get him one present, the headphones he wanted.

Then, he can wait and save up for the Switch 2.

I don’t feel it’s fair to label men as entitled, I know plenty of young women who would be very disappointed if they got knock off presents too. Brands matter a lot at that age. Women do hauls aswell.

I’d be happy with one present, rather than a lot of tat presents.

Quality over quantity.

I think, all this name calling to a 10 year old child is quite shocking and uncalled for really.

Agree

and a couple of days ago he was only 9!

he needs to learn but that’s part of growing up - we can’t expect children to be perfect

I don't understand why he can't get one present, one headphones and be done with it. Why all this extra spend on tat filler gifts? He's a child I assume, in Year 5. This can teach him, he can't get everything he wants on his list either.

With the money left over, that could have been used towards the switch 2 and the importance of learning to save for the things you want. Things can't be demanded. But, he can learn to save.

Louder for the people at the back!

This is the Parenting board, not AIBU. I hope the people who called this child horrible names realise that they have done literally nothing to help the OP prepare for the firm but loving parenting conversation that the child needs.