Teenage daughter has left home and refuses to speak to me

[Houndmother75]

Please help. My teenage daughter and I (she is 17) had a massive falling out three weeks ago. She was unbelievably rude and abusive to me, having been in a foul mood since before I’d even spoken to her first thing, and went out to spend time with family friends. I asked that she be back in time for an early supper and to spend the rest of the evening studying for her a levels. She has been so rebellious of late, and far ruder than usual, and her college attendance has been poor. She continued to be abusive over WhatsApp, so in informed her in no uncertain terms why I was less than pleased with her attitude, and said if she wasn’t back in time she would be grounded until she could improve it. The online argument continued, she refused to be told what to do, so I concluded by saying if she wasn’t back then I’d asked I would simply lock the door. She wasn’t back, I locked the door, she tried to return several hours later, but had to return to our friends house. She hasn’t come back and has only spoken to me once since. She has accused me of all sorts, neglect being one (because the house is messy, but she won’t lift a finger to help me, preferring to hurl abuse when asked instead). She has been doing all sorts of stuff while living here, e.g. requested money for lunch when in college and has clearly bought vapes, alcohol, energy drinks etc etc (I found them under her bed along with so much mess and rubbish when I cleaned it after she’d gone). She told our family friends that I’d mistreated her, and that she will not return home. They took her at her word, without consulting me at all. Earlier this week they arranged to meet me, and I was told by them that she will now be staying with them for the next two years while she completes her a levels, and they will support her to get her own place after that. I have not been consulted and this is apparently non-negotiable. They alerted children’s services, who said they could do nothing since she is nearly 18. My friends have said they want her benefits to be transferred to them (child benefit and child maintenance), and that they will no longer be paid to me. I’m told that it’s unlikely I’ll be able to speak to her for a couple of months or so. I’ve also been told by them that my house is disgusting and unpleasant (which is part of the alleged neglect), and that my relationship with her is abusive and complicated and it’s been implied I am not good enough as her parent. Nobody in authority has contacted me about this. What the hell do I do? It’s like these “friends” of mine have decided to facilitate my daughter’s leaving of me, and have not once tried to find out what’s happening, despite my attempts to explain and discuss since she has been staying with them. Please help me. It feels like my soul has been ripped away…

I honestly don’t know how this situation went from 0 to 3,5420000 recurring in less than 3 seconds. I am struggling to understand it, despite all the schooling I’ve had on here so far from people who have absolutely no knowledge of me, the people involved, or the precise circumstances of everything they’ve so far passed judgement on. (Not you, CM…)

So they shouldn't receive any money for looking after Dds daughter after she locked her out? OP should at least provide enough money for food at the very least.

That’s exactly what I am going to do.

She reported her loving mother to the authorities and you were investigated?? God, she sounds worse and worse with every update. I know you're her mother and love her to distraction, but I'm an outsider, and frankly she sounds like she's inherited her father's God-awful personality. Well, never mind, you can't be held legally responsible for her in a few months' time, which will no doubt be a relief to be free of the power she currently holds over you, in terms of getting the authorities onto you. It sounds like it's been a rough ride. I'm sorry, OP, but she sounds like a thoroughly nasty piece of work. Neither I nor any of my friends treated their parents like this. It's not normal. Well, you've done your very best with her first 18 years, and I know you'll continue to do your best until she goes away to university. Once she's left school, her future is up to her. There's light at the end of the tunnel. I feel exhausted just reading about it all.

They want her, they can pay for her food.

I don't like the sound of your friends at all. If they genuinely cared about your DD they'd be doing everything they could to mediate positively between you and her. I'm guessing one or both of them has a saviour complex and takes it upon themself to rescue lame duck types in all kind of situations to shore up their own poor self-esteem.

You have limited, if any, time to intervene given the nearness of her turning 18, but personally I'd speak to the police for advice asap, citing any concerns at all that you can come up with in relation to this pair of weirdos, and also get some legal advice. Amusing though it was, I wouldn't send anything like the provocative letter the pp posted upthread, but I think I'd stop playing nice and try to nip this in the bud, possibly with a solicitor's letter. What they are doing isn't helpful and imo is actually quite disturbing.

Edited to add that I second the suggestion that something abusive may have happened at the elite music school. Abuse can often thrive in the hot house environment of such schools and the worst of her behaviour seems to have developed during her time there.

I agree that they sound like a pair of weirdos and quite disturbing. It's as if they've taken her to be part of a cult, whisking her off like that at the slightest provocation and promising her lots of extravagant things, like double piano lessons and a new bed. God, I hope they're not Scientologists! OP, please tell me this isn't in the East Grinstead area....

Thing is, people aren’t reading my replies. Nowhere did I say I wasn’t going to pay for her upkeep….

Agree, agree, agree. I’ll call the Old Bill tomorrow for advice. It’s just weird.

And no. This is Oop Norf…

Thanks, PB. I do think there’s a strong element of saviour culture going on here.

I must admit, I’ve asked similar questions of the situation myself.

I think the OP is basically “but I took her to stately homes” so I am on the DD’s side. Sounds like these family friends have a pretty good sense of how intolerable OP’s home really is and have generously opened their home to DD. All of the mawkish praise OP loads onto the dd here strikes quite a creepy note given the history of conflict OP describes. This child is in trouble, she’s acting out, and she is struggling. OP’s saccharine descriptions and bragging can’t disguise the reality which is that the child has been miserable for five years. If she’s not delusional and the friends aren’t either then we have to assume there’s some justice on her side.

If this were one of my daughters I would keep the lines of communication open, keep the doir open, clean up the house which must be pretty bad (I have worked with hoarders every one if them minimizes the horror using the same language OP does. ) And thank the friends for offering a safe haven to a vulnerable child.

You're so furious about people being kind to your child. Aren't you glad she is safe with caring, responsible adults? Aren't you?!