Child isolated and ghosted for nothing

[Tiamlocofam]

My daughter was group text by her friend group 2 days before the new term started this year, they threw accusations at her that weren’t true and then dropped her and ghosted her. They have been leaving her out all summer, having sleepovers, days out, even their mum’s were messaging and saying where was “my daughter” on many occasions.

The point blank refused to talk to her, even when she begged them. She was absolutely destroyed. She’s an anxious person anyway and this just made her spiral out of control. The thought of going to school with nobody to speak to or be friends with made her so petrified to attend school.

I reached out to the Mum’s as I thought maybe they could help solve issues. However, they just washed their hands of it saying that was hormonal girls and they would sort things out. I explained that this was more than just a little. And that they were trying to isolate my child child. The parents still didn’t want to know. The parents left the group chat that we were on saying that they couldn’t deal with it.

my daughter has been best friends with this group of girls for nearly 2 years. In two weeks time they had a holiday booked for a weekend in Spain, which I had paid £270 for a weekend Tripp. In the next few days I was basically told that she was not able to go and that they were not able to get a refund on her ticket. The parent told me that she would give me some of the money back but not all as she was not in a position to do so as she was a single parent with many kids and was not working anymore.

My child was physically not able to go to school for two weeks and three days because she was in a state of absolute panic. She had no friends left. She was being ignored and isolated by everyone that she knew as being her best friends.

no matter how much I tried to explain to the parents how bad my daughter was, they just washed their hands again of any involvement.

The teachers have been fantastic and have encouraged my daughter by coming round to the house for a house visit, accommodating her on a phased gentle entry package to school. I have had my daughter on medication from the local health clinic, just to enable her to feel comfortable enough to actually come into school.

My daughter was broken. Just seven days before this happened the girls had packed their clothes on call together for the Spain trip. She had her suitcase packed and ready. Now she had no friends, no holiday and the thought of school absolutely terrified her.

When they went to Spain, she found it in herself to have the confidence to return to school. Luckily, thank goodness one of the other girls at school reached out to her. She had Ben and why she had not been in school. She returned for those two days when the girls were in Spain and Man managed to somehow cope.

Since then, house spent Dailly battle. I am sure there are those out there who will understand, how difficult it is to get a child in school when they are petrified.

I am so proud to say that after many many days and many struggles, arguments, tears, screaming matches and pure frustration on both parts, she was actually able on a few occasions to attend school. She has avoided lesson that she shared with them, even check changing her options so that she didn’t have to cope with the seeing them. When she has seen them, they have laughed, giggled, stayed silent as she walked past and then laughed when she left. Smacked at her and gave her disgusting looks, whispering behind their hands and laughing at her. It has been so difficult for her.

I am so incredibly proud of her as she has done nothing wrong. We know these girls are bitches and bullies, but I am finding incredibly difficult trying to build up her self-confidence again as she is totally an utterly shattered by this experience.

Every night I cry. Every morning I wake up with a bit in my stomach. These girls were part of my life. Here every weekend for sleepovers. They were part of our family. I can’t believe they have done this to my child.

I know I just need to be strong for my child. I am struggling. I am so angry. I’m angry with the children. Most of all I’m angry with the parents, because if my child ever did this to another child, I would never allow it or condone it.

To hear from people in the same situation and what you did.

My child didn’t deserve any of this.

Sorry for the speeding mistakes - i did this by dictation so there are some discrepancies

I’m so sorry this has happened and that no other parents want to help find out what’s going on.

I hope she can rebuild soon and come back stronger finding some other friends. Unfortunately, this sort of things happen, school is pretty feral like that. It’s not fair, but I think everyone is just testing out these power dynamics and don’t always want to go against the group, even if they know they aren’t being kind or fair, because there’s safety in numbers. Sending love to you both and strength to come out the other side stronger and kinder.

Can you change schools? This sounds too much for a child to endure.

Local Facebook page, ask see if there’s anything local happening for teens (I’m guessing that’s the age group) explain she’s isolated but don’t go into a vent about other kids ect and just say she is looking for friends usually there’s some parents who will ask their kids to befriend a lonely kid and kids in the same position. Also worth reaching out to home school network if she’s at home alot there may be gatherings there too similar ages

you can’t change others actions unfortunately, I would however be demanding that money back for the trip or you will be finding out where you stand legally because that isn’t on

This is so hideous. As a mom of two girls I absolutely dread this kind of thing happening. The only thing I would say is try everything you can to hide your feelings from your daughter, you're her safe space and it won't help if she knows how much it's upsetting you too. You have to teach her not to be afraid of these people. She had people in her corner such as you and her teachers (who sounds amazing by the way). The bullies will soon be arguing amongst whoever is left in the group and some will start crawling back to your daughter, that's what happens with toxic friendships. The most important thing is she needs to try to make other friends.

believe it or not, she will get through this and be all the stronger and more resilient for it. Sending hugs

Can your daughter move school?
I know a child that had a similar situation, and they moved from a co-ed to an all girls school.
Teachers had said that was a bad idea - running away from problems, but making a young person go through that torture every day is so unfair.
It was the best decision.
New broom.
There was the expense of a new uniform, but being away from those nasty wee bullies was priceless.
The child went on to soar - apprenticeship degree, and achieved a first.

You havnt said how old they are or whether it was a school trip or organised by one of the parents, yes girls are vile but there is more to this, for this to happen last minute then something happened, either you upset someone or your daughter did or you upset one of the mums,

You said they threw accusations at her that werent true, how do you know they werent true? I think youve dealt with it completely wrong and it seems the mums are upset too so there is something you are not saying? Also keeping her off school isnt the answer .,

And yes ive been there and done this thsse things need sorting straight awsy and faced head on, , i would probably have taken my child to the ring leaders house after school and said is it ok if the 2 of you sort it out, put on.the spot the girl would probably say yes....

And going forward your daughter will make new ffiends but calling children bitches and bullies is not the way forward...

Can your DD change schools and have a fresh start away from these girls?

Encourage her to also look at joining clubs and activities outside of school to try and make friends who are separate from school friends I.e sports, dance groups like Street Dance, etc.

I would also ask the school if they run the ELSA programme because your DD needs support to build her emotional resilience, and if they are being unkind to her in school then also tell them about it. Sadly, some kids can be absolutely vile and unfortunately your DD has experienced this.

Stop reaching out to the girls’ parents as well as they simply aren’t interested/don’t care about their children’s behaviour.

This doesn't sound right

Starting point. Two sides of every argument and maybe the third which is the truth

Some parents need the kids to sort it which lets face it, kids fall out all the time and then make up. And by then the parents aren't speaking

Something isn't right about the holiday.

Are you tracking the phone and social media use? What is happening behind scenes.

How resilient is the child. Relying on a couple of pals isn't healthy.

This is just horrible to read...must be so tough. I agree with other posters asking if there's a possibility of changing schools?

I agree. You really need to get to the bottom of this smartly. Does your daughter's school have a councilor? This really warrants some sort of investigation.
Also, keep a close eye on her sociall media. Not just now, but for quite a while into the future.

Goodness me, children can be so cruel. Am so sorry.
I honestly would try and change schools - yes it's an upheaval but it wouldn't be as bad as facing this every day.

I hope you can find some activity out of school that she loves to go to to make some other friends too, will do a lot to boost her confidence.

Similar experience to me yonks n yonks ago. didn't tell parents and had to sweat it out. Wish I'd changed schools but you've got to remember thats a big step for a child aswell.
Life can be tough 😢good luck

There doesn't have to be more to it then the OP is saying. We've all seen groups band together to ostracise someone else. The ringleader takes against someone and no one wants to go against the ringleader in case they become the new target. Sometimes groups can't function unless they are actively excluding someone else.

Missed how old? We had a more minor version of this in year 8 when dd2 was suddenly ejected from her friendship group and ostracised. It was awful. Even the the teachers were shocked and totally on DDs side as they saw it all play out and knew the personalities involved. One teacher kept her behind and said the same had happened to her and to stay strong. The weird perpetrator later apologised and explains she was bored and jealous of dd 🙄.

Dd was so brave refused to let us get involved stuck it out and reached out to new friends. At 18 she’s madly popular with legions of devoted friends. Her former bully is a social loser. Karma had its way.

My DN was bullied at school. What eventually stopped it was when he snapped and refused to tolerate it. Every time it happened, he'd chant at them, "Bullies, bullies, bullies, Fred and Theo are bullies." It was embarrassing for them and made the teachers take more note of it. But he's quite confident, if a little quirky, and had got to the point of being so fed up that he was prepared to speak out. If anyone joined in with them, he'd say loudly, "Oh, I didn't realise you're a bully too. Your mum must be so proud, mate".

I'd tell the mum in charge of the Spain trip that she needs to return the £270 pronto or I'll be seeing her in the small claims court.

How can that parent have the audacity to allow her daughter to ghost your daughter out and then refuse to give you YOUR money back! I am hoping your daughter finds herself a new tribe. How is she now?

This happened to me a long time ago. Misunderstanding over a boy that just blew up and went too far. I was completely shut off, they were vile and even gave my place for our holiday to someone else (and refused to reimburse me). I begged for them to listen and tried to sort it out, but they were horrible. 30 years later I still think about it.

I totally understand how this has made your daughter feel. I’m sorry I have no advice, apart from perhaps changing schools (however this would depend on her age), but I just wanted to say I hope it’s sorted soon x

What type of girls are they as a group? If they're the sporty girls can your daughter join the school choir instead so she meets a whole new set of people or the other way around? If they just hang out at lunch time somewhere and aren't involved in extra-curricular then maybe your daughter joins all the lunch time clubs to get in with other groups?

I don't think she should leave the school. Showing them she's moved on and can make new friends is the best way to deal with this. She should definitely stop begging them to be friends, who would want them as friends now even if they suddenly stopped being horrible? I certainly wouldn't if it were me.

Can she hang out with the girl that was asking her where she'd been? She sounds nice.

I've seen this sort of thing a few times with gangs of girls ostracising one girl . Something MUST have happened which you either don't know about or are not saying ? It's very nasty behaviour which girls seem to revel in . If you're daughter was going on holiday with these girls she must be late teens ? but is still at school ?

I was bullied at school but didn't tell my Mum , she would have just told me to get on with it , it eventually stopped .
You could ask her if she wants to change schools but I think you should really try to find out what's gone on to cause this . It seems really odd that absolutely nobody is speaking to her and that the parents dont want to know . It's very upsetting for both of you .

Didn’t want to read and run. Really feeling for you and your DD @Tiamlocofam
Our DD was bullied out of her High School. It’s awful how some parents just allow their kids to behave like this. I have no useful advice but lots of sympathy. 5 years on our DD went through hell, but recently found her tribe and is learning there are decent peers out there who take responsibility for their behaviour in a mature way.

One question - as these girls stopped your DD from going on the trip, why aren’t they paying her back for the lost money?

I'm so sorry. There is a book called Queen Bee which explains a lot about these female social groups and how they can turn on one member. Usually one girl is the boss and everyone fans around her - she sends them out to her bidding and they are terrified of it happening to them so they comply. And the mothers of these girls are terrified of it happening to their girls so they keep quiet.

I realised I was never part of a group like this at school - I found female friendships bewildering tbh - but after reading the book i saw how it still played out in adult groups of just 3. Twice two friends in a friendship group of 3 of us turned against me. Both times it was one perpetrator, whose problem I could never fathom, and the other one just went along with it.

Please read the book. I'll dig out the link xx

https://www.kobo.com/gb/en/ebook/queen-bees-and-wannabes-for-the-facebook-generation?utm_source=google_action

Such a tough situation but you can see why the girls are the way they are going by their parents attitude- yes I am being judgy but not being able to cope due to having too many kids and not coping ….. perhaps the girls have a shit home life and are envious of your daughter.

in any case I agree with the other pp- if you can, change schools and give your daughter the opportunity to start again