Are we helping enough with grandchild, or is his ex expecting too much?

[Disgramma]

Son & GF are separated but they have a young baby 10mnth - DS pays maintenance and takes baby overnight one night every weekend - but also takes him after work 3 evenings per week and takes him home bathed and ready for bed ..he lives at home - she has her own house - he’s had to cancel taking his son 2 overnights since he’s been born due to illness - but the ex GF is majorly complaining at him / being hostile to him / demanding he take baby even if he has sickness bug .. she’s constantly on at him / phoning example she phone as and insists he take milk to hers for the baby coz she’s none left and didn’t buy it - he does because it’s his child - as a family we help we take grandchild and help him and we offer extra time if ex GF needs help .. we take him to baby class etc and my DD who also has a child and is on her own with him also helps his exGF by taking baby - we love having her an as a family we all do our bit - but it’s getting stressful now .. spoke to the exGF mom who says she’s also gets calls and text from her DD demanding she help her … I’m worried the ex GF is not coping - but we all work full time - my DS is out at 5am back at 5pm then gets his child 3 evening per week .. and one overnight at weekend …. The ex GF gets help from her relatives in addition to us - they help 1 or 2 nights per week as well …. I’m. Not sure how much more we can do to help … I feel she needs to help herself and get organised and stop relying on everyone else .. and I think my DS and our family are doing our bit …. I worry about ex GF mental health but she does get regular HV visits and has family …. Am I missing something.we xan do to help or is this just ex GF being demanding .. she does go out when we have the baby - clubs / pubs etc so it’s not like she’s stuck at home ..

Could your son request 50/50 custody? Or at least 3 overnights a week? I’m not sure he’s fully pulling his weight but also appreciate the baby is very young.

Could your son offer more overnights? From what you’ve said I’m guessing the reason he does 3 evenings but not the overnights is because he’s at work so early- if so, would there be someone that could have the baby for a few hours in the morning until going back to mum? I’m not saying others should be looking after baby but if mum is struggling, even 1 extra night may help a lot. On the other side of it, it does sound like you are already doing a lot. Has anyone sat down with mum and really asked her how she is? Sounds like she is struggling and may just need a bit of support, may not even be someone to have baby more but just someone to talk to.

With everyone working, and DS leaving so early, I don't suppose it would work having baby overnight on those 3 evenings until they are in some sort of nursery or preschool?

Could he do full weekends? (I know my sons dad would love to, but I refuse to only have school runs and homework during my time 🤣)

I agree there is no point in him having the baby when unwell as caring for a baby when you are sick is so difficult plus the baby will likely catch the sick bug too. But does he return the favour and have the baby whenever she is ill? If not I can see why that would be very frustrating.

We do take baby 2 morning a week as well - my DD takes her for 4 hours one day a week from 9am till lunch and I take her to toddlers for 3 hours. So we give the mum a little break … we did ask how she was doing but she says she’s fine. Just wants out more 🤷🏼‍♀️

We all work - my husband does shifts and I work full time.. my son pays maintence based on him only being able to take baby one overnight a week .. he does do 2 nights at weekend as well if his ex has something on … she just seems to want more and more .. we are trying as the baby is amazing but we have other grandchildren as well we help - her family have no other grandkids

Oh wow you are all doing more than enough then!

He works 5am till 5pm that’s why he does the evenings with the baby - he also pays more maintenance because he only is able to take baby one overnight per week … as it stand the ex gf gets 2 nights per week child free ( her mum takes one night ) and my son does the other - if he takes baby on a Friday afternoon he takes him back Saturday at 8pm likewise if he takes him Saturday at lunch it’s Sunday at 8. Baby sleeps all night goes. To bed at 8.30 till 7 am

Yes he does - he takes time off work if needed and we also chip in. He also has taken the ex gf to hospital when she’s been unwell and ensured she gets home ok etc.

Thank you I do worry about the ex GF but I’m not sure what more I can do . Financially I also support with baby food / clothes / toys - anything she needs for baby — and send a wee takeaway gift card now ans then so she can buy a take away - just so she gets wee extras for her

if they were together he’d be expected to parent even if he had a sickness bug and I imagine she’s expected to parent when she’s sick. It does sound like she has a fair bit of help but that everyone else can check in and out when it works for them, but she has to be the constant, who is always there as a default. Ds can parent when it suits him around his health, around work, around any other commitments, but she must be available 24/7. She may be struggling being a single mum, postpartum and coming to terms with that, it’s quite difficult. Can ds offer some overnights (with someone else caring for GC in the morning from 5am if he has to go to work)
are you sure gc sleeps through as well, quite unusual for a 10m old ime, maybe she’s shattered. She has got a lot more help than I ever had, but assuming you think she’s actually a nice person id guess she’s just struggling and lonely.

Wow. Is there some projection going on here? I'm not sure how you've come to that conclusion and have been able to predict the future based on a couple of paragraphs about her.

If you’re worried she’s unable to cope then I’d suggest that he works out having him more than one night a week. A parent is expected to parent around work and sicknesses. You keep banging on about thinking she can’t cope and what if you’re right? What if he ends up with the child full time?

If she’s quite young, and she’s on her own with a 10 month old, 5 nights and 6 days a week with just a break of a few hours each day I think she is probably finding it really tough.

Equally, that is the reality of parenting, and I’m not sure that you or her mum or other family stepping in more than you already are is the best choice. This baby has two parents and the best solution for baby is for them to raise her between them with help. Not to end up with a situation where other people take over.

I think that this would probably be a good time to have some big conversations with your son about stepping up towards 50/50 if she isnt coping well. Could he perhaps drop work down to 4 days a week if he does 12 hour shifts? And have the baby 3 full days and nights on his not working days?

It's good that you also have a relationship with her mother . Can you get together to see if maybe she can approach her DD to see what support she needs . Seems to be an awful lot of help is available to her . She may be struggling mentally or finding being a single person very lonely. But she shouldn't be unable to keep on top of ensuring she has baby milk in . Would 50/50 even be possible?

I think it’s a hard one really. My youngest is 10 months old and my husband works away for chunks of time so I can sort of put myself in her shoes and imagine how difficult it must be to be the one carrying the load for baby on her own.

It’s a bit of a cop out to say your son can only do one overnight a week- if they were still together he would have to adjust his work schedule to parent his child, or pay for childcare for “his” time that he can’t cover. Same with the sickness, if I’m unwell I still have to look after my children, there is no sick leave or annual leave from being a parent.

It sounds like your son is trying to fit being a parent around his current life & work rather than the reality of being a parent which means changing your own life to fit around your child.

Not that I think you or your family, or her family, owes her more support but that child is 50% your son’s, he should be doing 50% of the caring/time/nights/days. Paying maintenance is all great but any parent knows it’s far far easier to send some money over than it is to look after a baby.

It sounds like you're all doing loads, and that he's a good dad

The bar for dad’s must be incredibly low if doing 1 night per week and a few hours on a few evenings makes someone a good dad!

How old is she? Did she want to have a child?

It does sound like she’s not coping but she seems to have loads of help.

Thoughts and prayers for @Thirdday26‘s DILs 😂

There's another projection 😂
If you think my reply was massively emotional and that you calling someone you don't know a nasty entitled cow and saying she is going to make OPs life hell is a simple factual comment you need some serious help.