Are we helping enough with grandchild, or is his ex expecting too much?

[Disgramma]

Son & GF are separated but they have a young baby 10mnth - DS pays maintenance and takes baby overnight one night every weekend - but also takes him after work 3 evenings per week and takes him home bathed and ready for bed ..he lives at home - she has her own house - he’s had to cancel taking his son 2 overnights since he’s been born due to illness - but the ex GF is majorly complaining at him / being hostile to him / demanding he take baby even if he has sickness bug .. she’s constantly on at him / phoning example she phone as and insists he take milk to hers for the baby coz she’s none left and didn’t buy it - he does because it’s his child - as a family we help we take grandchild and help him and we offer extra time if ex GF needs help .. we take him to baby class etc and my DD who also has a child and is on her own with him also helps his exGF by taking baby - we love having her an as a family we all do our bit - but it’s getting stressful now .. spoke to the exGF mom who says she’s also gets calls and text from her DD demanding she help her … I’m worried the ex GF is not coping - but we all work full time - my DS is out at 5am back at 5pm then gets his child 3 evening per week .. and one overnight at weekend …. The ex GF gets help from her relatives in addition to us - they help 1 or 2 nights per week as well …. I’m. Not sure how much more we can do to help … I feel she needs to help herself and get organised and stop relying on everyone else .. and I think my DS and our family are doing our bit …. I worry about ex GF mental health but she does get regular HV visits and has family …. Am I missing something.we xan do to help or is this just ex GF being demanding .. she does go out when we have the baby - clubs / pubs etc so it’s not like she’s stuck at home ..

They might be, but the dad is doing fuck all really and one night a week is not enough, even with having him for a few hours a few other evenings. I like the way the op felt like she had to state he EVEN washes the baby before retuning him, like giving his child a bath is above and beyond. We all have to work around our children, and his hours now are not working for him to be able to parent anywhere near enough or properly. The little bits of other support the mum get from other family members are irrelevant. Dad needs to pull his finger out his arse and have his baby more than one night a week

I wouldn’t say the father is doing fuck all. Unless you also think a father (still living with the mum) who is doing the night shift once a week and spends the evening with baby/bed time etc… is also doing nothing….

The fact the rest of the family has rallied up is a huge privilege. One that many families also enjoy. It’s called grand parents time, grand parents babysitting etc….

She still has to do 6 x bedtimes (get a 10mth old to sleep) and 6 x early mornings / night feeds. He needs to do more overnights I think.

You mention that he works until 5pm but that he has baby back to Mum for bedtime, that doesn’t sound like it’s very much time to be honest.

I think he needs to step up.

@Disgramma from your posts, it could better be mum struggling with PND, which wouldn’t be that surprising seeing the circumstances of the birth (Regardless of who instigated the split).

I think it’s lovely you and your dd are supporting her, spending time with baby etc…

What I’d want to warn you is to not see that as you just helping her. But mainly as you spending time with your grand child and supporting your ds.
Id also encourage your ds to ask for 50/50 and to them organise childcare etc… Baby is 10 months, not 10 weeks old.

Is tge mum planning to go back to work?
How is the baby sleeping?

I agree with this, it's not acceptable for men to opt out of parenting the kids they made because 'work', they need to do what women do- choose a job that works around their kid.

Don't get bogged down in the tiny details of the adults lives, and no need for you to pay anything, housing your son is already a huge favour.

I mean I remember having a 10 month old and realistically if she’s on her own and dad’s paying presumably cms she’s not in an easy position.

it really helped me having someone to just swop with when I was exhausted during the nights.

one overnight plus say three hours on three other days is not a lot.

it’s a hell of a lot easier to pay maintenance than it is to look after a 10 month old.

can’t the dad step up at all?

It sounds like the obvious answer right?

But two things come to mind
1- he has very early start of his work day. No childcare would take that baby at 4.30am
2- if they were together, it’s very likely that this what would happen anyway. But few people say dad should take on half of the nights and early mornings because he is working and she is not. People would talk about PND instead. That she needs to go see her GP etc….
3- the description of the OP of this new mum reminds me of me with dc1. It wasn’t iverwhelmed or bring unable to cope. It was PND. Having more nights to sleep doesn’t really sort that one out. It just removes a layer of demands.

So whilst I think it would better and easier fur everyone if he has the baby more, I’m don’t think it will change her behaviour.
Now does it mean the OP isn’t doing enough fur her.

To be fair this isn’t really a fair comparison. Obviously I can only speak for my own experience, my youngest is 10 months old and my husband works away for weeks at a time so although I can’t pretend to know what its like 24/7 I have some idea and it’s the little chunks of time that make parenting as a two adult household easier rather than having one night a week off, or a few evenings a week off. When my husband is away I don’t feel I need a night a week off but I do miss having someone to just tap in when it’s been a day of teething/screaming and I just need 20 mins to reset, or when I realise at 6pm that I totally forgot we needed more nappies, coming down in the morning to the house cleaned and washing done as husband does that before coming to bed so it isn’t a mess of a job first thing in the morning to start the day on the back foot, or even when I just fancy going for a run or to the gym and he’s there to swap in & out, same with making dinner, doing the food shop etc. It’s not big blocks of time free (like one night a week off) that make the biggest difference, it’s more the little things and little chunks of time that make everything feel much easier- in my opinion anyway.

Why do you see it as helping her out, rather than helping your son out? He is only doing about 10% of the parenting. Yes, he’s paying more, but babies need 24-7 care more than they need money.

@Jellybunny98 dh was away 7 days out 14 until my youngest was about 6yo.

My experience is very different from yours.
Yes having some help on the little things makes a difference. But I don’t remember running out nappies or baby milk. I coped by being highly organised 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️
Having a break with no child though, that was gold. And it very rarely happened because when dh was around, the emphasis was around family time, not my time.

I’m breastfeeding so thankfully I can’t run out of milk but I have a 10 month old & a 2 year old, I often think I’d forget my head if it wasn’t attached to me most days🤣🤣

This is entirely made up.

I think your son needs to step up, he's doing very little really compared to the mum. What's he doing to find work that will enable him to do his fair share of the overnight childcare?

It's normal for an infant of that age to be primarily with the mother. I think the dad taking the baby in the evenings and taking baby back bathed and ready for bed is much better than having 50-50 overnights. The baby needs a stable routine and a primary caregiver.
I think the mother is being demanding of the wider family members and wonder if things may get conflictual later. She sounds young and probably resents having to sacrifice her social life for a baby.

He could take baby Friday through to Monday?

how many days a week is he doing a 12 hour shift? Surely he has another day off? So yes, I think he needs to do another overnight

What was your son planning to do with regards to childcare when he works 5am to 5pm had they stayed together? Does the eg GF not work?

If they had stayed together, it’s likely what working a ‘normal’ day, 8.00~9.00 am till 5.00~6.00p would have allowed her to drop baby at nursery and he would have done tte pick ups.
Like most families with two working parents.

Starting before 7.30am is more unusual.

But they’re not together. So, like umpteen single women the world over have to do, they need to change their work hours to be compatible with parenting a child they chose to have.