Are we helping enough with grandchild, or is his ex expecting too much?

[Disgramma]

Son & GF are separated but they have a young baby 10mnth - DS pays maintenance and takes baby overnight one night every weekend - but also takes him after work 3 evenings per week and takes him home bathed and ready for bed ..he lives at home - she has her own house - he’s had to cancel taking his son 2 overnights since he’s been born due to illness - but the ex GF is majorly complaining at him / being hostile to him / demanding he take baby even if he has sickness bug .. she’s constantly on at him / phoning example she phone as and insists he take milk to hers for the baby coz she’s none left and didn’t buy it - he does because it’s his child - as a family we help we take grandchild and help him and we offer extra time if ex GF needs help .. we take him to baby class etc and my DD who also has a child and is on her own with him also helps his exGF by taking baby - we love having her an as a family we all do our bit - but it’s getting stressful now .. spoke to the exGF mom who says she’s also gets calls and text from her DD demanding she help her … I’m worried the ex GF is not coping - but we all work full time - my DS is out at 5am back at 5pm then gets his child 3 evening per week .. and one overnight at weekend …. The ex GF gets help from her relatives in addition to us - they help 1 or 2 nights per week as well …. I’m. Not sure how much more we can do to help … I feel she needs to help herself and get organised and stop relying on everyone else .. and I think my DS and our family are doing our bit …. I worry about ex GF mental health but she does get regular HV visits and has family …. Am I missing something.we xan do to help or is this just ex GF being demanding .. she does go out when we have the baby - clubs / pubs etc so it’s not like she’s stuck at home ..

DS isn’t ’doing his bit’. His ‘bit’ is sole 24/7 care 50% of the time and he isn’t doing that. He’s just dipping in and out to fit round his other commitments.
He needs to have his child 3.5 days a week every week going forward and stop the maintenance. How he manages his work round that is up to him.

I agree with this I’m afraid

Both parents usually have to work now, so “work” just isn’t an excuse not to have your kids 50% of the time.

I’m a single parent and have my kids 80% of the time, I and work full time around them.

DS seriously needs to find a way to make 50% work. Yes this might mean changing jobs or reducing hours like everyone else has to do. Presumably mum will be going back to work soon too? If the mum burns out completely he may end up with the baby full time anyway.

Hi no issues baby sleeps really well - 8.30 till 7 am
50/50 would potentially mean no maintenance and ex gf needs maintenance - she doesn’t work - I offered to pay for nursery care but she rejected that - he offered one full weekend on and one off - not agreed by ex - he works long shifts due to travel to jobs. - so when he home early on the Friday. He takes baby from 1pm …I don’t think ita reasonable to have her every weekend. He lives at home - so we also have our other grandchild to look after and spend time with ….

If ex is not working, can't he have baby 5pm Friday to 8pm Sunday? Or even to Monday morning if you can drop her home on your way to work? It sounds like something more like 50/50 is needed here.

op - why do you not think it reasonable that one parent would have their own child two days in 7?

I’ll say it. I think the problem is that you think child care is women’s work. It isn’t. That was 1950 and then we realised women were getting the shitty end of the deal.

if you think your son having his child, means that you are having your grandchild, then that is your problem right there.

Mum doesn’t work .. she gets baby looked after by one of her relatives one day per week - my Dd takes her during the day one day a week - my son said 50/50 no maintenance but she wants full maintenance .. currently I worked out of the 5 weekdays and looked at baby wake time 7am till 8.30 pm bed ( baby is great sleeper ) there is only one day that ex has her babg a full day on her own - as her folks take 1 overnight and 1 other day they take her during day and we take her 3 of the days from 5 till bed time - plus one of the days from 9 till 3 … at weekend it’s a pick up at 1pm not back till bedtime next day …. My view is she gets a lot more “off time” than most mums get - she doesn’t work .. I understand her life has changed. And it may look like my son is not doing 50/50 .. but he pays his maintenance and then some …and is super keen to be a big part of the baby’s life

Ok, looks like your son didn’t make a very wise choice of mum here. (Slightly tongue in cheek response to counter the many times a woman is blamed for making a shorty choice of partner!)

but I still maintain, it isn’t for you to help here, it’s for your son to do more in his free time. Especially since you say he’s super keen to have a relationship.

sorry i don’t think I have said anywhere that childcare is women’s work - the privilege of being a parent is without doubt the most rewarding thing in the world so it doesn’t come down to “shirking your responsibility “ … ex doesn’t work ..she chooses to be at home .. most “new mums if they were working mums “ take a year off on maternity leave “ she’s not at the year .. she doesn’t work ..my son has offered To pay nursery school for baby - because “he works “ that’s what a normal family would do ..but she doesn’t want that - he provides for his child - he takes her most weekdays evenings and one full night at the weekend …if they were together he would be home at 5 pm and do what he does now - steps up to look after baby to give mum a break .. taking baby every weekend in my view is a bit much …. I was single parent .. my ex took child one night a weekend and took him for a few hours one other night … but that was fine my me because I loved my babies and when off on mat leave it was a privilege to have that much time with them - because I knew work wasn’t far away

you didn’t ‘say’ any where you think it’s women’s work. But the thread title followed by your responses suggest that you think it.

I’ll caveat that with saying the mum doesn’t sound great.

She hasn’t implied that at all. It is natural to assume the non working parent who is receiving maintenance should do the bulk of childcare. He is the only one of them working so he does need to continue to work full time so i don’t know how he can do more than 2 days if he is working the other 5???

He could but that affects her maintenance and she doesn’t want that … also every other weekend her parents take the baby overnight the night my DS doesn’t have baby and in addition to that one weekend a month DS takes her full weekend .. from Friday till Sunday bed time …. Also of the 5 weeknights where she has baby 2 of them if she’s needing any extra help I take baby for her till bed time …. Baby is brilliant happy settled no issues

You sound like a lovely MIL/Mum/Granny.

I think it will be easier for him to take baby if she was at nursery because he could take baby during week one night or two and I could take her nursery for the day - but she doesn’t agree to that either coz maintence is reduced

And she qualifies for paid place at nursery but it reduces her benefits just now - so she doesn’t want to do that either …. Which is odd because is she’s needing more time to herself nursery would be a good way to get even a morning free … but that’s not acceptable. Even if my son pays so it doesn’t affect her benefit

I didn’t say he should do more than 2. I said he could do 2 in response to the op saying that she didn’t think it reasonable that he did more than 1.

Why isnt he at least doing 2 nights a week as standard?

If the mum was doing the same amount of parenting as the dad, would the babies basic needs be met? If the answer is no, he isn’t a good parent currently.

Why is doing every weekend “a bit much”? It’s only 2 out of 7. How much of the looking after are you doing when he has her? And why would it be too much for both grandchildren to be in your house over the weekend? Why can’t they some time together? Why can’t he do a full weekend? Or is it you that doesn’t want the baby at your house all weekend?

I think your DS needs to stop dancing to her tune and do 50% and secure a nursery place and lays for it. What his ex does on her time is up to her.

So he does for example, Sunday evening to Wednesday nursery drop of every week plus another 24 hours every weekend and stop paying maintenance.

Interesting that you view the times you and your dd have the baby as helping the mum. Im sure it does but it may help to reframe it, you're helping your son. One night a week and couple of evenings is very poor.

Many people would prefer their 10 month old to be in the care of an individual (mum, dad, grandma) or a small group setting (childminder) than a nursery.

it’s a common position.

lots try not to go back to work for at least a year.

But the mum is not working and the dad works full time. Agree if the mum was also working full time and if she did they would need to change their routine. It makes sense not to have overnight in the week as he starts work at 5 would have to wake and drop off at like 430?? So what he is doing is having the baby in the evening and doing all the evening routine and then putting them down which seems less disruptive

Your son either needs to look at changing his job if it’s making it harder for him to spend more time with baby, or find a place of his own so he can have baby without you feeling like you’re the ones having her. Mum can’t have it all her own way but also what she does with the baby on her own time is irrelevant to how much dad has the baby. He should be looking at 50% regardless who else takes care of the baby from mum’s side.

You are doing more than enough. This isn’t your baby or your responsibility. You could
limit your help to medical emergencies and a couple of babysitting sessions a year and that would still be fine.

The father should work with the mother to increase his parenting time. Parents also don’t typically get time off when sick. It might be in the child’s best interest to not be exposed, but that is really a decision the co-parents should be making together.

This. All the posters talking about 50:50, more nights with the dad, it’s a bit early isn’t it?? Surely baby wants to be primarily with mum, so a few hours a day with different carers sounds ideal.