Are we helping enough with grandchild, or is his ex expecting too much?

[Disgramma]

Son & GF are separated but they have a young baby 10mnth - DS pays maintenance and takes baby overnight one night every weekend - but also takes him after work 3 evenings per week and takes him home bathed and ready for bed ..he lives at home - she has her own house - he’s had to cancel taking his son 2 overnights since he’s been born due to illness - but the ex GF is majorly complaining at him / being hostile to him / demanding he take baby even if he has sickness bug .. she’s constantly on at him / phoning example she phone as and insists he take milk to hers for the baby coz she’s none left and didn’t buy it - he does because it’s his child - as a family we help we take grandchild and help him and we offer extra time if ex GF needs help .. we take him to baby class etc and my DD who also has a child and is on her own with him also helps his exGF by taking baby - we love having her an as a family we all do our bit - but it’s getting stressful now .. spoke to the exGF mom who says she’s also gets calls and text from her DD demanding she help her … I’m worried the ex GF is not coping - but we all work full time - my DS is out at 5am back at 5pm then gets his child 3 evening per week .. and one overnight at weekend …. The ex GF gets help from her relatives in addition to us - they help 1 or 2 nights per week as well …. I’m. Not sure how much more we can do to help … I feel she needs to help herself and get organised and stop relying on everyone else .. and I think my DS and our family are doing our bit …. I worry about ex GF mental health but she does get regular HV visits and has family …. Am I missing something.we xan do to help or is this just ex GF being demanding .. she does go out when we have the baby - clubs / pubs etc so it’s not like she’s stuck at home ..

And just saying the dad should change jobs, or take reduced hours to have baby 50:50 isn’t realistic. There aren’t as many jobs out there, certainly not with flexibility, and maybe it’s unaffordable. He would end up having to find childcare for the baby, which surely isn’t in the baby’s interest when they are only 10 months, and it makes no sense when the mum is presumably still on maternity leave. It’s not fair that it’s almost always on the woman to have to find flexible work, but they start out as the primary caregiver so it’s not surprising that she often chooses to continue for the early years.

So child friendly jobs are so hard to find and so poorly paid that dad's can't possibly even try looking for one....
But mum's absolutely must have a child friendly job?
Eh? Can we please not in 2026.

If they were together she would not get a night off, yes he would be home 5 till bedtime but he has baby 3 evenings a week anyway, she would not be getting anywhere near the support she is getting if they were together AND she is getting full maintenance to boot, sorry but i can’t see where she could want more time away from her baby? When she only has her one full day a week as is? OP should phrase it a bit better as she is helping her son when she has the baby but otherwise i think Ex is getting a good amount of freedom and full maintenance too 🤷🏻‍♀️

If they were together he wouldn't get a nigjt off either. But he currently gets 6....

OP kindly, why are you asking if you’re doing enough and then commenting that your son asked for 50/50 and she said no? Obviously you can’t do what she won’t let you do or what your son doesn’t want to fight for.

Wow wish you were like my brothers ex wife, she refuses to have their child for any weekends. Disturbs her social life !

It is really nice having the chance to see friends regularly I admit, but the weekends I have mine are my favourite ones. I can never understand how someone would be happy only doing the shit bits and having none of the fun!

He can take her to court for 50/50.

Ah I see, so it’s only realistic for one parent to find one of this unicorn jobs I see, and it has to be the parent with the vagina??

Unaffordable? He’s paying child maintenance and living with his mum, even if he took a job earning minimum wage he’d have plenty of spending money left.

Newsflash, unless you’re proposing a mother doesn’t go back to work then parents do need jobs, even if she is still on maternity leave in two months that will be over and so what’s the plan then? She has to find this job that fits around baby 100% while dad gets to just continue as is?

It’s 2026, I’m going to really hope you are not currently raising boys who will become another generation of men who think childcare and their children are only a woman’s job because thankfully we have moved WAY past that thinking now, do better.

This seems like a real pile-on regarding a young dad who is both holding down a job, supporting the mother, and trying to be a hands-on father.

The mother is not doing paid work but outsourcing quite a significant amount of the childcare to a whole host of other family members who do work - yet won't put the baby in nursery because she wants her benefits, or share childcare more equally because she wants maintenance. I don't quite see why she gets such a free pass from all the commenters on this thread. She sounds demanding and entitled and putting a lot of pressure on others.

Welcome to Mumsnet!

It doesn’t look like he’s not doing 50/50, because he isn’t doing 50/50. Easier to throw money at the problem though.
Is he going to court to push for it? For this super involvement? Of course not. Wanting a ‘big part’ is not enough. He’s falling short.
Let’s be honest. He doesn’t want 50/50 at all. Like most men.
Mum doesn’t sound great. But dad isn’t meeting his commitments here either.

‘My son said 50/50 no maintenance’

so if she’d said yes to that, which he allegedly wants, what was his plan with work?

lets face it, you are making out the 80/20 is in her interest only, but it does conveniently suit your son too.

Yes and from OPs post that is EX choice because she wants/needs full maintenance, she can’t have it both ways.

It is very clearly BOTH of their preferences. Let’s not pretend it’s all on her. Yes, the op has said that. But read between the lines. The whole op is about how he can’t possibly do two nights due to work, so the op has to do it instead, so there’s absolutely no way he wants 50/50 either.

my son said 50/50 no maintenance but she wants full maintenance ..
he has offered 50/50 but she has said no, as i said she can’t have it both ways, but by sounds of it she has both a fair amount of freedom- from son and other family members chipping in and full maintenance, i don’t see why she has an issue 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Parents who really want 50/50 aren't too tired and busy for a second night a week. Its empty threats because he doesnt want to parent any more than he has to.

Not the point of your thread but you sound so lovely

And I think your son and family are doing plenty.

Empty threat or not it was offered and refused, if she wants him to have baby more than she needs to forgo the maintenance, but by sounds of it she doesn’t want to do that so she is choosing more money over freedom (which she is getting plenty of freedom anyway by the sounds of it)
Regardless of whether she or he wants 50/50 -she is getting plenty of freedom and full maintenance, again why is she complaining?

You're doing loads - so she gets 2 mornings off, 3 evenings (few hours) off and 1 night off a week from your son and your family.
Plus whatever her family offer?
If that's not enough then whatever she says she's not ok. Most mums don't want to be away from their babies for more than a single evening and night at most at that age.
How old is she?
I agree - your son needs to do some more nights - perhaps you could do the morning?
Because however much he's doing baby's mum is struggling and so he needs to step up.

She doesn’t get full say over that. Is she managing to look after baby when she has them? If not your son needs to look at a court order for the good of the baby.

she gets 2 or 3 nights a week where baby is looked after overnight .. with my son his overnight stretches till bed time the following night ..her mum and aunt help as well .. she does a great job with he baby. Who is well looked after , always clean and well dressed and care for and is hitting all milestones .she is great with baby .. who is a dream baby .. I made contact with her mum to check how she felt things were and she said she gets lots of help from them - visits / dinner / bathing baby etc when we don’t have her .. she said her DD is lazy , and a bit selfish .. they have been having conversations with her about stepping up more . I think this may be why she’s putting more on my son .. I asked about any worry of PND she said HV sees her every 4 weeks and is really happy with progress of both mum and baby …

If she isn’t coping or doesn’t want the child your son should take on more of the laod

iys not about what’s right or fair - if she won’t look after the child well someone should

Are they civil? Would it be out the question for him to stay over one night a wkd at her house so he can look after the baby ?

The thing is she does a great job with the baby - who is happy and thriving - they are both always well dressed and clean and tidy .. she gets about to take baby out etc .. she seems happy .. but I now think after speaking to her mum that she’s a bit lazy and looking for easy options .. HV has checked her out and her mum has spoken to HV they feel no PND .. just normal adjustment to a new baby but as she’s young she may need more time to adjust