Seven-year-old wants to stay mainly with her dad, and I am struggling

[OneUmberEagle]

I have a 7 year old daughter with the attitude of a 17 year old. I coparent peacefully with her dad (and his girlfriend) and we rarely have any issues.

Context: We’ve always worked on a 50/50 basis and that’s been fine. Over the summer holidays my daughter asked for more flexibility to choose which house she stayed at, and it worked out okay but she was spending a lot more time with her dad, I let it slide as she was happy but recently she’s only been staying with me about 4 nights a fortnight.

Tonight we’ve had a big argument and she’s been throwing in my face that she wants to go to her dads, I refused as I don’t want to reward her bad behaviour by giving her what she wants. This went on for a good hour or so, with her literally begging and even offering to pay me to let her go to her dads.

I’m absolutely distraught and it ended with both of us crying our eyes out.

I’m not really sure what I’m asking, but I just cannot get her to want to be with me (even on our good days), she just always wants to go to her dads. I’ve tried offering fun things like cinema trips etc, doing whatever she wants to do, but it never sways her.

After tonight I’ve come to the conclusion that she just hates me and if she had the choice she’d be with her dad 24/7.

I just don’t know what to do anymore and it’s really getting to me.

Any thoughts? I’m desperate

What does she like about her dads so much? Are there less rules?

I do feel for you though. I would also be distraught.

Yep can you unpick why she prefers it? Rules, toys, bedrooms, routine, food etc?

I'm sorry. You must feel distraught. Why do you think she wants to stay with her Dad?

We’ve both tried to ask her if there’s a reason behind her decision to mainly stay there and the most we ever get out of her is that she’s more comfortable there but won’t say why.

I think we are both quite aligned in terms of rules etc and she has lovely bedrooms at both houses so struggling to find reasoning.

There’s usually a reason and it’s not because she loves him more,

does he have a later bedtime, better telly, console for gaming, big garden, lets her order dominos?

Is it just you and she in your house or is there anybody else living there?

Do you have a boyfriend/partner?

If there isn’t an obvious reason I think I’d talk to her dad and go back to 50 50, a 7 yr old shouldn’t be making this choice, unless like I said there’s a valid reason.

It’s just me and her here most of the time, and the dog. My partner tends to stay over once a week when she’s her but she adores him so don’t think that’s the issue.

She adores her dads girlfriend too, I did think she might be the deciding factor as I think she engages with my daughter more than her dad possibly.

Is the dad / girlfriend more fun than you?
As in do they have more enjoyable activities together, like “Disney Dad” I suppose? There is also big shifts at age seven, she’s getting her own ideas now. It’s sad for you, very emotional. Crying together is a lot for her though, maybe she feels pressure to support you? Even though co-parenting was working, the split is still difficult for your daughter. I’m sure she doesn’t hate you.

I was going to ask this too.

It might be that dads appears like a more traditional family set up and so she feels like she fits in with her friends a bit more.

I grew up an only child of a single parent. I adored my mum but I did feel a bit different (it was the 80s though).

I would probably row back on giving her more choice over where she stays. It’s given her too much power and pressure. Go back to the old routine. Get dad on board with this. No more flexibility. Set days for each parent.

If I had to guess, I would say this could be the issue. It may seem like she adores him, but I remember being this age and having my mum’s partner staying over (who was nice enough!), and I absolutely hated having a man stay in the house when it was usually just me and my mum.

I don’t know why she’s calling the shots so much at 7. She is not at an age yet where deciding this needs to be her concern - she is a young child and you and her dad are the adults, I wouldn’t be giving her the option. If you coparent so peacefully then you both decide what is in her best interests.

You say she is 7 going on 17, do you find her behaviour challenging in general?

I was a real daddies girl at that age and would have definitely wanted to spend more time at my dad's. That doesn't mean that I don't love my mum, I just really loved being with my dad - he was less fussy and worry-y and more adventurous. My mum would be all 'be careful darling' while my dad would say 'bet you can't climb that tree' and we played endless football, tennis, went swimming etc. My mum was a good mum and looked after us but she didn't really play with us!

I would just try and stick to the 50/50 and tell her that's not negotiable, I don't think a 7 year old should be able to make the decision herself at her age. Maybe offer a quick face time or phone call with dad to say goodnight if it doesn't make things worse. Otherwise just tell her both mum & dad love her very much and both want to spend time with her. I wonder if she's happy to leave you because she's secure in your love and she's worrying that dad will be enjoying time with his girlfriend and forget about her?

She is 7, stop giving her so much choice. Your relationship is fundamental to her well being. Now she is back at school sort out a clear routine that gives her equal time in each house and stick to it. It sounds like you need to work on your relationship. There must be a reason for this. Allowing her so much time at dads has set a precedent and meant that it’s become her primary residence so she will feel more comfortable. But again, she’s only 7, in the absence of any good reason why, she doesn’t get to choose where she lives.

Is it because his GF is there and it’s more like the family unit she had before you split.

I absolutely agree with the above. At 7 she should NOT have the burden of this much choice. Yes allow her to express her views (eg pls can I have Friday as one of my dad nights as we do pizza Fridays there) but it must be so unsettling for her to come and go as she pleases.
you and dad need to warn her that at least during school term time she’ll have set days, unless at exceptional circumstances that the PARENTS agree such as a family event on one side.
I feel really bad for you. My only other thought is it’s a big of a pre teen stage going off to explore the world a bit more and dad represents that whereas mum represents her safe baby life and she’s ready for adventure.

just double checking you haven’t had a weird boyfriend staying over etc

I think dad needs to be the one telling her it’s back to 50/50 as you both love her and need equal time with her. If it comes from you she’ll be more resentful. Would he be onboard with this?

I absolutely agree, that's too much power to give to a 7 year old.

And the arguing for over an hour to the extent she is offering to pay OP to be allowed to stay at her dad's is a no no.

Yes you give her the opportunity to make her request and articulate why and hear her out but OP makes the decision which should be to maintain 50:50 and explains why it's important that she spends as much time with both mom and dad and that's it, OP should not make it an open debate with a 7 year old.

As others have said @OneUmberEagle also try to get to the root cause of why, that way you can explore if it makes sense to make reasonable adjustments at your place (if they make sense and are agreeable to you of course).

I do feel for you though, it just be heartbreaking to feel like your daughter doesn't want to be with you and prefers to be with her dad and his girlfriend, one good thing is it looks like you and her dad have a good co-parenting relationship which is great so hopefully he will be supportive and help enforce the 50:50.

This thread is very interesting and if it was the mum she wanted to spend more time with no one would be saying she shouldn’t be allowed to choose

She is 7 she shouldn't be allowed to choose at 7 doesn't matter if its mum dad or jesus she is 7

Disagree, even if shes 7 people would be saying she shouldn’t be forced to spend more time with her father and tbh most of you are against 50/50 anyway so surprising you are all suddenly pushing it on this thread because it’s the dad she wants to spend more time with! Maybe she doesn’t want to constantly move around houses but if it’s the mum she wanted to spend more time with you’d agree

I would not have let her decide.
Kids are fickle, it could be little things like a later bedtime, being allowed to read later, watch more youtube, the carpet could be softer.. anything.
Maybe the house is more lively or quiet and she prefers that.
I would go back to set days, will Dad agree to go back to that?
I really would not be giving her the options at age 7, she needs you whether she knows it or not.
My kids prefer to be looked after by Dad quite often.. and the reason is that Dad lets them drink fizzy drinks and always has Haribo. I am just mum with the boring weak orange squash.

She is a child not a puppy sadly more and more kids have to battle seperated families it needs to be what is best for the children not the adults who created these issues