Seven-year-old wants to stay mainly with her dad, and I am struggling

[OneUmberEagle]

I have a 7 year old daughter with the attitude of a 17 year old. I coparent peacefully with her dad (and his girlfriend) and we rarely have any issues.

Context: We’ve always worked on a 50/50 basis and that’s been fine. Over the summer holidays my daughter asked for more flexibility to choose which house she stayed at, and it worked out okay but she was spending a lot more time with her dad, I let it slide as she was happy but recently she’s only been staying with me about 4 nights a fortnight.

Tonight we’ve had a big argument and she’s been throwing in my face that she wants to go to her dads, I refused as I don’t want to reward her bad behaviour by giving her what she wants. This went on for a good hour or so, with her literally begging and even offering to pay me to let her go to her dads.

I’m absolutely distraught and it ended with both of us crying our eyes out.

I’m not really sure what I’m asking, but I just cannot get her to want to be with me (even on our good days), she just always wants to go to her dads. I’ve tried offering fun things like cinema trips etc, doing whatever she wants to do, but it never sways her.

After tonight I’ve come to the conclusion that she just hates me and if she had the choice she’d be with her dad 24/7.

I just don’t know what to do anymore and it’s really getting to me.

Any thoughts? I’m desperate

I do wonder if this might be the core issue OP, and maybe you need to seek support for anxiety or any issues you have. If Dad has emotional boundaries and enforced rules then she might just feel ‘safer’ there. More contained, less emotionally chaotic, feeling less responsible for ‘stuff’ happening - like mummy crying etc.

On the 50/50 - I am biased towards children having both parents happily together at home. But I know two families where 50/50 works very well; another family where it’s absolutely disastrous; and another where a parent resisted it on the grounds the children needed a base (with the resisting parent). The last family - I can see future problems developing and getting worse. I think whether 50/50 works or not depends on the parents.

This is completely on the mark. This is what I refer to upthread about OP seemingly trying to be her equal and her peer. The child has no authority figure at mum's, the dynamic seems skewey. So without knowing why the child simply prefers dads. She wouldnt be able to articulate it or intellectualise it.

@RunningForCalm Few of these 50:50 arrangements involve asking the dc. It’s just assumed it’s ok but many dc like a base when at school and inviting friends to play. They like kit in one place and familiar surrounding for the majority of the time. That’s why the most common split via a court is not 50:50 because it’s child centred.

It’s really hard to see your child prefers another parent over you when you think you’ve done everything for them. One thing i’d say is child often remembers how you make them feel rather than what you do for them. We are a family and to be honest, I’m usually the bad cop enforcing rules, bed time, screen time, doing homework etc. however the kids would still come to me or say mummy is the best. I explained to my husband that he often “having a go” at them rather than tell them the boundaries and if they cross it, then action to stop them and when they aren’t doing well, just be there for them rather do it for them.
I’m not sure what the situation with your DC but I’d do some observation and also some self reflect, perhaps if you have some friends who can also help?