Seven-year-old wants to stay mainly with her dad, and I am struggling

[OneUmberEagle]

I have a 7 year old daughter with the attitude of a 17 year old. I coparent peacefully with her dad (and his girlfriend) and we rarely have any issues.

Context: We’ve always worked on a 50/50 basis and that’s been fine. Over the summer holidays my daughter asked for more flexibility to choose which house she stayed at, and it worked out okay but she was spending a lot more time with her dad, I let it slide as she was happy but recently she’s only been staying with me about 4 nights a fortnight.

Tonight we’ve had a big argument and she’s been throwing in my face that she wants to go to her dads, I refused as I don’t want to reward her bad behaviour by giving her what she wants. This went on for a good hour or so, with her literally begging and even offering to pay me to let her go to her dads.

I’m absolutely distraught and it ended with both of us crying our eyes out.

I’m not really sure what I’m asking, but I just cannot get her to want to be with me (even on our good days), she just always wants to go to her dads. I’ve tried offering fun things like cinema trips etc, doing whatever she wants to do, but it never sways her.

After tonight I’ve come to the conclusion that she just hates me and if she had the choice she’d be with her dad 24/7.

I just don’t know what to do anymore and it’s really getting to me.

Any thoughts? I’m desperate

At this age is probably going to be about boundaries about either chores, sweets or screentime or she is besties with the neighbour kids. You said you are more or less on the same page about rules and things, have a family sit down all together and hash out what the day to day routine actually looks like for your daughter at each house. If she has unrestricted YouTube at Dad's house/ or her best friend lives next door....

@lxn889121Entrenching the idea that the parental relationship a child has at age 7 is ‘The Defining Parent Relationship’ in her life is just crazy. It potentially denies her a close maternal relationship down the line. My DD was a Daddy’s girl as a young child, but really needs me now as a teen. If she’d lived with her Dad all the time, how would she have learned what my maternal love could bring to her life? This happened organically because her parents are together. But how would we have protected that opportunity for her if we’d split?

My stepdaughter was allowed to call the shots over things like this as a young child and it has really messed her up. You are the parents, you have to decide what is best for her and carry that through. This is not to say she can’t express views or have an opinion, but allowing a young child to make decisions about their own care and schedule is too much responsibility, and you can’t know that she is acting in her own best interests, as she is 7! IMO you need to reign in the freedom of choice on this, you are her mum, you get to decide what time she spends with you and at this stage it’s not optional.

I’m sorry, OP, but mine are 8 & 13 now, so I’ve raised two 7 year olds, and I honestly cannot imagine having an hour long argument with a 7 year old. I think it sounds like you are struggling emotionally and it’s affecting your parenting.

I think for now, you are right to set boundaries and a structure for your dd. But you also have at least 50% of your time to yourself to rest and re-charge. You should not be coming at a 7 year old on one of the few days she’s even with you in such a hyped up emotional state that this is happening.

I think you really do need to use your childfree time to work on yourself and sort your own mental health out, so you can be a better parent for your dd. I can absolutely see why she would want to be in a home where she has more calm and stability. If you can’t provide that, it really may be better to shift things so that she does have more time at her dad’s until you are in a better place and feeling a bit stronger. To me, it sounds like you are making this all about soothing your tricky feelings and very little about hers.

@RunningForCalm 50:50 is rarely a good split for a functioning relationship for a child in term time. It’s purely about no parent giving up rights. It’s rarely about establishing a base for the child who needs consistency.
There’s clearly difficulties between mum and dd. It’s very important to put the needs of the child first and this is a base for school and a clear main home. 7 year olds absolutely know what they are missing by being shuttled around between parents. It’s very obvious to them!

Most dc don’t choose of course but most parents understand that a functioning split for the child is not 50:50. The most used split between reasonable parents is 5/9 in a 2 week period. It’s clearly an issue here! The child is the pawn and mum won’t move on her “share”!

Sorry OP but you and her (a seven year old!) arguing back and forth for over an hour then both being in floods of tears indicates a problem. Is there some sort of parentification going on? At seven she is still young but I do think her wanting to spend so little time with you is quite unusual. She can't "adore" your partner that much if she rarely chooses to spend time with him.
Whilst at seven she shouldn't be given the power to call the shots, you both (you and her dad) need to take stock. 50/50 isn't an ideal set up for any child, that's usually for the benefit of the parents who want equal time. She needs a base to call her primary home and for whatever reason she's choosing to spend the majority of time at her dad's.

I disagree. I was much closer to my mum but I much preferred my dad's house. The house was calmer, more ordered and no step siblings. My dad had a better routine and the atmosphere in the house was much better. Its hard to explain but it felt noticeably different.

She doesn't hate you. sometimes kids have a preferred parent even in families where parents are together. There will be something that appeals to her more about her dad's and it likely is a phase. I think sticking to 50/50 would be best and just explain logically and financially this is what you have to do. Imagine if a child says I don't want to live with you to both parents They don't get the option to then move in with someone else! I strongly feel you need to be the parents who make the decisions stick to it. Let her vent and perhaps don't cry with her but also don't bend the rules or make changes to make her want to stay. If she feels the same when she is in secondary school then maybe look at a different arrangement and include what she thinks and feels but for now she is far too young to make this decision. Gently ask her why she would want to live with her dad. She may not want to say to spare your feelings but it's worth seeing if she will.

Fresh start tomorrow. apologise, be positive and find a time to talk when emotions are not high.

She’s 7, this isn’t her choice. You have an agreement with your ex regarding residency, and you stick to it. It’s far too much pressure on a child of her age to have the power to choose her own living arrangements.

Yes I agree with this. If she’s only staying 2 nights I week I’d definitely be making sure the new partner wasn’t there on those 2 nights.

Do you agrue a lot? I can’t imagine a situation where I would agrue with a 7 year old never mind argue for an hour.

Dad's girlfriend may be far more preferable if she's not enforcing rules and she's acting like the perfect nanny to impress him....

Go back to 50/50. No negotiation.

And maybe stop your partner staying overnight when she's with you, just for a while. She may not adore him as much as you think, hard as that may be to hear.

Yes, I also agree with this. There is an unhealthy dynamic going on here. You don’t argue with young children.

I dont think there always has to be a reason for why a child might want more time at one parent or another? She certainly doesnt hate you, but both parents need to recognise her age and stage of development. She is SEVEN. Not 11 or 13 or such like

Centering children to this degree gives them huge anxiety, entitlement, grandiosity and lack of grounding and predictability. Be the parents both of you and set out what seems reasonable to you both. You call the shots. It is a massive burden on kids when we want to involve them in quite grown up choices, discussions and decisions. Its not fair on them.

It sounds as if things are much of a muchness in any case in both homes and it is hard work for kids to be between two parents, you can recognise that, but it is what it is

Exactly, OP she is not your peer or equal. I think a lot of parents seem to forget this, they think they are buddies with their children.

Staying mainly with 1 parent is generally better for the mental health of the child. So while I'd be devastated, I'd be facilitating it if I didn't have concerns about his parenting, which you don't seem to have.

@Spaniels4Eva Why is 50:50 better for the DD though? It might not be - in fact probably isn’t. It’s what mum wants. She definitely should listen to her DD and not argue with her. Who on earth wants to be this child?!

50:50 can work, but obviously isn't working for OPs daughter. If you want men to step up and be equal parents then this is what happens - sometimes mum isn't the preferred parent.

She’s 7!

As adults set up a routine for where she stays and stick to it.

Security comes from routine, known boundaries and constant unconditional love.

Not from giving her the freedom to be in free fall.

Did your daughter see you in floods of tears after the argument? At seven years old, I’d have been terrified and anxious at seeing my mum like that, even if we had argued.

I think seven is quite young to decide what hours she spends where, but she’s old enough to express her preferences snd for them to be listened to calmly without tears. It’s not ‘letting her get her own way’ to want to understand why she wants to be at her dad’s more. If that’s where she feels comfortable, there will be a reason.

Sounds like something makes her feel safer there. More people around perhaps? Able to be a child more? Perhaps she finds it intense to be one on one with an adult who feels like an emotional equal.

Im only throwing this out there and may be quite off the mark.

You’re offering her too much choice at 7. It’s not helpful for her to have decided she’d rather be at her dads more over the summer.

Stop doing that, and you need to learn to shrug and walk away when she threatens to go to her dad’s. Have a strict routine of when she’s going, big calendar on the wall with the days marked here/Dads and point to it.

Way too much agency, she’s too little. She can’t articulate why because she’s 7.

Hour long fights should be avoided too. You tell her what’s happening and you walk away. She thinks she has too much say over important things, she can choose what socks to wear (between 2 choices) but not adult choices.

shes 7 - you guys determine the custody split, not her.

I just wanted to remind you that during the conversation about staying more at dad’s, that for you it was probably a mixture of horror, fear, rejection, a tug on the bond you have, your caring instinct, not wanting to let her go, loving her so much. These are big emotions fulled by years of day to day love and care.

For your daughter it was something different. She wanted something particular, at a moment in time. To go to her dad’s. It’s more of a choice for something than a rejection of you. She is too young to have a true understanding for you and why you were ‘stopping’ her from the thing she wanted.

So while you were in the same room having a conversation about the same subject - you were actually having different conversations.

I agree with the posters who said at the moment, at her age, you decide the days and that is the conclusion you have come to.

I also agree with the posters who say there will be a reason and over the next few weeks try to ask curious questions to find out why. Resist being very direct about it. Be softer and let the answer unfold.

Examples of some questions:
What is the first thing you do when you get to dad’s usually?
When you are here what do you miss about dad’s?
when you are at dad’s - what do you miss about mum’s?,
Tell me your ideal day?

That's just your assumption that it's about sweets etc. It sounds to me as if she just prefers to be around her father.