Seven-year-old wants to stay mainly with her dad, and I am struggling

[OneUmberEagle]

I have a 7 year old daughter with the attitude of a 17 year old. I coparent peacefully with her dad (and his girlfriend) and we rarely have any issues.

Context: We’ve always worked on a 50/50 basis and that’s been fine. Over the summer holidays my daughter asked for more flexibility to choose which house she stayed at, and it worked out okay but she was spending a lot more time with her dad, I let it slide as she was happy but recently she’s only been staying with me about 4 nights a fortnight.

Tonight we’ve had a big argument and she’s been throwing in my face that she wants to go to her dads, I refused as I don’t want to reward her bad behaviour by giving her what she wants. This went on for a good hour or so, with her literally begging and even offering to pay me to let her go to her dads.

I’m absolutely distraught and it ended with both of us crying our eyes out.

I’m not really sure what I’m asking, but I just cannot get her to want to be with me (even on our good days), she just always wants to go to her dads. I’ve tried offering fun things like cinema trips etc, doing whatever she wants to do, but it never sways her.

After tonight I’ve come to the conclusion that she just hates me and if she had the choice she’d be with her dad 24/7.

I just don’t know what to do anymore and it’s really getting to me.

Any thoughts? I’m desperate

I think there needs to be set days with each parent rather than letting her choose as and when she wants to, that's a lot of responsibility for a 7 year old I can imagine that could make her feel quite unsettled and unstable in her environment

I think set days and a strong routine is the way to go. Anchor your visits with a nice routine OP.

Pick a tv show and watch that together.
We Used to make buns and watch bake off eating them. Or swimming night followed by a pizza. Strictly Saturday with take away etc.

Make time with you something she enjoys and looks forward to .

A 7 year old doesn’t get to ‘argue’ or decide anything. She listens to what you say and does it, no answering back.

Stop giving her so much air time or you will have a teenage brat on your hands.

Spot on. My 10 year old doesn’t want to go to her dad anymore. Used to be alternate weekends. Then it dropped to 1 night alternate weekends, now nothing. She’s ND. I’m exhausted and needed the break. When I’ve posted here, no one was telling me to make her go.

Thanks everyone for the comments.

My emotions were very high earlier, but I’ve calmed down a lot now.

I think we’re going to go back to a solid 50/50 and enforce a routine.

Don’t try and buy her with cinema trips and allowing her to be “7 going on 17”; stop being a “cool” Mum! A child her age needs the adults around her to set sensible boundaries.

At that age it could be something minor like a draughty bathroom at yours compared to her Dad’s at night, and you’ve blown it all out of proportion by giving her so much power. She’s not old enough for the responsibility and it’s weighing on her shoulders. Just parent her, properly.

It could well be that 50:50 doesn’t work. This is usually more about parents than it benefits dc. It always makes a week disjointed and when it’s school, it’s always a case of pass the parcel. It should be much nearer 5/9 over a 2 week period and it doesn’t matter how it’s split. The main issue is allowing dc to see friends, have a Saturday to go
to parties and do clubs and activities. There should be one main home and sharing 50:50 is being rejected by the child. Someone should listen!

I would think being given the power to decide where you spend the night at 7 is quite unsettling for a young child. If you and her dad are on the same page xan you not agree to a fair /split schedule? Then you can say to your daughter, ‘dad and I agree on this and we’re not discussing it anymore.’ You might find she settled down if she is told what is what?

I’m not a fan of 50:50. I personally think a child should have a base, and then the second home they spend time at. It is always geared at both parents getting equal time, but it should be the child getting the best balanced life. If that means that weekdays are usually at one place then so be it.

But I’ve not had to work through this so I’m not in a place to really know what works and what doesn’t, I just think kids don’t need to be coming and going as often as they seem to.

Why are you arguing with a 7-year-old in the first place?

I think this is sensible. She may have being wanting to punish you earlier, if she was cross with you. If you were to allow her to spend more time with her dad then there's a very real chance she could perceive that as a rejection by you. And the last thing you want to do is create a situation where her response to bring told "no" or being reprimanded for poor behaviour is to stomp off to the other parent.

That's a good point. I'd been wondering about rules/treats, though OP, you say she offered to pay you, how would a 7 year old have that much money? Wondered if they gave her more maybe.

I mean she offered to pay me £3 if she could go to her dads so not quite breaking her piggy bank 😂

So painful for you. It’s a horrible feeling.

However, I would let her do as she wants in this regard. No more pressure. No more heated discussions about it. Hide your heartbreak.

Let her.

And just wait and see what happens.

When people are allowed to explore and see what they like / don’t like without emotional heaviness, it’s interesting to see where they land.

She’s always your girl. Just let her go. And keep your door open and keep being calmly consistent in your love for her.

@Plinketyplonks Fair to whom? This is always “fair” to parents. It completely ignores a settled single home for dc. There are activities at weekends and community life that dc miss out on if they are not resident on a regular basis. It’s very disruptive and a 7 year old would certainly want more stability. Parents seem to think DC are cakes and it must be fair shares for all. Often courts don’t agree and a main home is established for child centred reasons.

Maybe she just prefers him to you? That can happen. People on here usually complain that men don't do enough for their kids and that women have to do everything, so this is actually a refreshing change.

Exactly! In all my years on mumsnet I have never seen posters say to a mum if her child doesn’t want to go to the dads more that they should be forced to, regardless of age, it’s always “don’t force them/ don’t make them go/it’s damaging” “50:50 is awful/all kids should have a base” well maybe she wants dad to be the base but now suddenly when it’s a child wanting to spend more time with the father its a completely different story!

Gosh. Arguing, offering you money, you both end up crying. This is a recipe for future misery. She’s 7. IMO you need to go back to 50/50. She’s too young to make decisions this big which have an obvious impact on others. The psychological impact of future guilt because she made mummy sad. The insecurity she must feel because there are no safety rails on big decisions. The impression of control and power. Honestly OP, you and her dad need to re-think this. It’s not healthy.

@RunningForCalm Who is 50:50 best for? The parents? They want equal time? Is this best for the child to be shuttled around all the time? It rarely is and one main home is best and it doesn’t matter which one. The big difficulty will be weaning dd away from dad and that might be damaging too. The DD must come first - not parents wanting their “fair share”. Thats where the disaster will lie.

Is there a pattern on the times she wants to go to her dads? Offering to pay you is a worrying sign that she's desperate to escape and trying anything in her mind that will work. Is your partner there on the days she wants to go? Or is he due to arrive?

If I was seriously seeing so little of my child I would make damn sure my partner was not staying over the nights my child was with me

I agree with the idea that she shouldn't get to choose yet.

But I do dislike the narrative on the first page that it MUST be because the dad is doing something... no rules, late nights, more TV, video games, eat what you like etc.

Sure it could be - or it could also be that he is just a loving dad who has a better relationship with his daughter?

From what I've seen, now that dads are expected to step up and parent properly (even if most still don't) among the dads that do, it is increasingly common to see the dad become the closer parent.

I get that this is hard to accept for Mums, because we are socialized (and biologically programed to a degree) to feel like we must be the no.1 parent - whereas its easier for men to accept because they have the opposite, they fully expect mum to be no.1, but its happening more and more, and if we want dads to be equal parents, it will keep happening.

Keep it 50-50 if you think that is best, but don't get competitive over who she loves more. It is one of the worst things you can do as a divorced parent. Just be happy that she loves her dad, and has a good relationship with him. Many many children don't. You don't need to fight with that, just do your own thing and have your own relationship with her.

How does the 50:50 work with school? Is it anything to do with that now they have gone back? Maybe you could be flexible in the summer holidays but I would have thought she needs a routine now.

I know a child who lived with her dad and only saw the mum from time to time but the dad stayed in the family home and the mum left. The child liked having her home set up with her own bedroom and all the things she was familiar with. She could not settle at her mum’s. Is the set up anything like that?

The mum in the situation I described above was devastated but she had to agree in the end for the child to ‘live’ at the dad’s as the child was so unhappy.

I don’t think a 7 year old knows what’s best for herself. She only knows what she wants. Boundaries exist to keep children safe and 50/50 is a functional boundary that will keep this child safe from having to make decisions that are too big and serious for its age. If a child has two loving cooperating sensible parents then 50/50 can work (I can think of several examples). If one parent is a flake then yes, 50/50 is an issue. That doesn’t seem to be an issue in this case.