Upset that my parents prioritise their caravan over seeing their grandson

[Toon49]

Not sure if I'm being stupid feeling this way but I've been really upset by it and feel guilty for feeling this way.

My parents live an hour away and have a static caravan an hour in the opposite direction (so 2 hours away). They spend pretty much every weekend there and we rarely saw them, whenever we invited them anywhere there was always some reason they couldn't come as were at the caravan. I get that's their social life, we had conversations about it where I was just made to feel like I was being stupid and difficult and I just came to accept it.

Now I have a baby who is now 18 months. Initially my mam would visit every couple of weeks. Unfortunately my mam had cancer and had to stay away whilst getting treatment and on chemo which obviously was no ones fault. She's now over all the treatment and seems to make excuses as to why she can't visit or do anything with him all the time. Completely understand this and was accepting she's getting over cancer it's obviously too much with a toddler.
However my parents are now at the caravan every weekend again, out at the pubs and bars with friends and going on days out/for walks etc. They own 2 houses they rent out as holiday cottages near the caravan and spent a lot of time fixing stuff there. They will maybe visit us a couple of hours on their way back from the caravan on a Sunday night once a month or so which makes us feel like a chore they're ticking off. My dad still works full time so they can't visit during the week.

I think I just feel disappointed as it feels that they would rather spend time at the caravan than with their grandson and it does upset me when I was so close to my grandparents. They have plenty of money, my dad could easily retire to spend more time with him during the week and could still use the caravan every weekend. They could comfortably afford a house closer to us to rent out/use if they wanted to and didn't want the drive, they've happily bought multiple houses near their caravan to rent out/use themselves in winter rather than buying something near us which doesn't feel great!
They claim they love spending time with us and want to help out which just annoys me more when they don't actually do it. Ironically my grandparents used to do all the childcare for us for 2 days a week when we were kids and we would see them every weekend on top of that and my parents would still complain they didn't get much support! We've never had anyone who could have our son for even an hour!
I visit my mam when I get a day off during the week if I can but my son is a terrible sleeper and it messes up his routine so we then have a terrible night after with him so it's a bit of a nightmare and there's nothing at my parents house for him so I have to drag everything he needs and toys etc with me so it's not easy but I try to do it when I can! We can't visit at weekends as they're not there as at the caravan which is to far away.
Not sure if I'm being completely unreasonable as if I try to mention anything I'm just made to feel like I'm being stupid and my feelings are never acknowledged. It just feels like the caravan is their priority and it always has been, I just thought having a child would change that. After having cancer and not seeing him months, I'd have thought they'd want to spend as much time as possible with their grandson but maybe I'm being selfish and expecting too much as my grandparents did so much for us! I keep hearing friends with all this support and going on days out with grandparents and I'll admit it does make me jealous.
Just want some perspective as I think maybe I'm making it worse in my own head!

And that's fine, I guess, if you don't want any relationship with family members that you 'aren't crazy' about. But I also think it's fine and understandable for OP to feel sad about that.

This, but also a serious illness can be a huge "YOLO" wake up call especially if the long term prognosis is unclear or not that great. I think you have to learn to accept it, with grace if you can. Also keep in mind that what they have told you about the future/prognosis/ongoing treatment may not be the truth.

I don’t know…
Often when people get a life limited diagnosis, they get a wake up call realising how much they’ve ignored what’s the most important. It’s rarely going away every weekend at a caravan. It’s usually family and friends they’ve neglected.

"I know kids/grandkids would always be the centre of my world and would be of my grandparents."

with respect you DO NOT know that this will be the case forever. You believe it will now and that's fine but you have no idea how life will turn out for you.

or it might be that the feel that they have missed out on having fun as a couple?

I think these kind of threads are so hard because everyone’s family relationships and dynamics are so different. In my family my dad puts seeing my dc above pretty much everything (apart from the pub on a Saturday night for 1 hour with his mates that he has done for 30years and also he does a bike ride on a Friday afternoon. They are his non moveables unless an emergency.
Yes your parents have their own life but it is a little sad they don’t want to make more time for their GC. I don’t think yabu (unless the only reason you want to see them is for childcare) Can you think of any other reason they are like this

eta my dad is a widower and my siblings live abroad so my dc and I are the only family he sees and he feels that’s important. But I’m not naive to think if he met a lady he would give up some of his visits.

You said your dad works full time but why doesn’t your mum come to see you in the week? She must have loads of spare time then? Instead of waiting until weekends

The child is 18 months and Op says she has to drag everything becss as use there are no toys there- seriously? How much stuff does an 18 month old need for a few hours at his grandparents - you could keep a bag of toys and stuff in the car. Honestly I think the op is being a bit spoilt in her demanding the world comes to her.

I totally understand this I am in the same boat, i was forever at my grandparents being looked after and for some reason just expected that they would also be the same, i was gearing myself up to have the opposite conversations about not having him all the time as i want to spend as much time with him as i can but turns out they are just not interested. It makes so much sense when you look back, they didn’t want to look after us as kids hence being at grandparents all the time so why would it be any different with grandkids.

You cannot change disinterested grandparents.
Complete waste of time getting upset.
I have a couple of friends who had this on both sides, just no interest.
Golf and holidays with friends were their priorities.
My friends got on with it.
15 years later and they were looking for busy grandchildren to visit now that they are slowing down.
My friends offered no apologies.
They are busy with their lives, friends and sports.
Some of them saw their grandparents a couple of times a year at the very most.
They were fond of them for sure, but no real connection or history shared with them.
I loved my grandparents dearly and was very close to them right up to their death.
But you cannot force it.

Boomers grandparents are a very selfish generation, I think many of us have a similar story to tell.

I hope that if/when I have grandchildren one day, I will make the effort to get to know them and build a relationship with them. It goes both ways with contact. My parents also prefer that I do all the visits; it gets tiring.

Awful post. Anyone who refers to anyone as boomers is pretty disgusting, for a start. Of course you should do most of the visiting! You’re younger and I assume in good health.

Is it? My dad proudly says he is a boomer and disparages me (a Gen X) - not that I ever describe myself as that. He and all his mates laugh about how good they have it and look down on their kids who can’t achieve the same

That's not evidence that 'boomers' are 'selfish grandparents'.

That's evidence that your dad is a wanker who, unsurprisingly, hangs out with other wankers.

My so-called 'boomer' mum is absolutely nothing like that, and neither was my dad. Or any of their friends.

Not all boomers are wankers. Not all wankers are boomers. Boomers is a term used for a certain generation of people, just like Gen X, Gen Z etc etc. obviously not all people born in those times are typical of the generalisation but it isn’t disgusting to use the term Boomer about the generation that were born then.

Oh and my dad helps me out massively because he knows he came from a different generation but at 82 he still doesn’t grasp why people today can’t do what he did. It doesn’t make him selfish.

Totally agree

I have said multiple times I don't demand this at all and I frequently go to my mum's on my day off when she wants me to, I've been there significantly more than they've visited us if you're counting, not that it really matters. After her chemo I went pretty much weekly for months as she said she was desperate to see us.
It's more I'd like to get a similar effort back to feel they actually can put the effort in too.
And FYI it is more hassle driving an hour with a toddler screaming in the back of the car who won't nap. Maybe it's easy if you have a wonderful well behaved toddler who will just be settled. He rarely sleeps in the car or at my parents so it leads to a very grumpy child who's then a nightmare for a couple of days, awake most the night which was what I said the main issue was, packing stuff up is more a side note which isn't really a big deal. When you work 12 hour shifts every other day in a high pressure job its difficult to justify putting your toddler in a bad mood and poor sleep for days if you don't get much back.

I am very lucky to have both parents and in-laws who are boomers and who are lovely, generous, thoughtful and caring parents and grandparents. I hope I'm a pretty good daughter and daughter-in-law too - we all just try and help and support each other how we can, to me that's family.

I had one of those toddlers and you have my sympathies OP - unless you do, you have no idea what it's like. Sleep becomes very precious, especially when you're working in a full on job as well.

I think people quickly forget how a missed or late nap can throw off the whole day. We’re largely past that, but on holiday my three year old had a ten minute nap at half three in the afternoon and then wouldn’t go to sleep until 11. And as the OP says it affects the next day too. It’s fine if you have a toddler who naps anywhere and if they have a late nap only slightly knocks bedtime off kilter. Otherwise it’s a nightmare.

As a grandparent this is what I think .
OP just wants her parents to show more interest in her life and little family.
I see my grandchildren weekly but I also wizz off for weekend breaks and am not always available to help with childcare but my daughter knows that I do as much as I can to be supportive.

I am not keen on the boomer/gen x/ millenium titles but I do think generalising any group of people by age is rude and unreasonable

Honestly just lower your expectations. I had the most incredible and involved grandparents. My own parents are simply not interested in the grandchildren, never babysit, barely ask after them, have even forgotten birthdays. It’s very hard to accept and I think it took me some time to grieve the relationship I thought we would have but I have spoken openly about this with my mum and got it off my chest and just accepted it’s how things are.

And that's fine too. It could be exactly what they want - not to be a burden later on.

I’m a boomer and I’m not like that either. The OP isn’t blaming an entire generation just sad about her own parents.