Upset that my parents prioritise their caravan over seeing their grandson

[Toon49]

Not sure if I'm being stupid feeling this way but I've been really upset by it and feel guilty for feeling this way.

My parents live an hour away and have a static caravan an hour in the opposite direction (so 2 hours away). They spend pretty much every weekend there and we rarely saw them, whenever we invited them anywhere there was always some reason they couldn't come as were at the caravan. I get that's their social life, we had conversations about it where I was just made to feel like I was being stupid and difficult and I just came to accept it.

Now I have a baby who is now 18 months. Initially my mam would visit every couple of weeks. Unfortunately my mam had cancer and had to stay away whilst getting treatment and on chemo which obviously was no ones fault. She's now over all the treatment and seems to make excuses as to why she can't visit or do anything with him all the time. Completely understand this and was accepting she's getting over cancer it's obviously too much with a toddler.
However my parents are now at the caravan every weekend again, out at the pubs and bars with friends and going on days out/for walks etc. They own 2 houses they rent out as holiday cottages near the caravan and spent a lot of time fixing stuff there. They will maybe visit us a couple of hours on their way back from the caravan on a Sunday night once a month or so which makes us feel like a chore they're ticking off. My dad still works full time so they can't visit during the week.

I think I just feel disappointed as it feels that they would rather spend time at the caravan than with their grandson and it does upset me when I was so close to my grandparents. They have plenty of money, my dad could easily retire to spend more time with him during the week and could still use the caravan every weekend. They could comfortably afford a house closer to us to rent out/use if they wanted to and didn't want the drive, they've happily bought multiple houses near their caravan to rent out/use themselves in winter rather than buying something near us which doesn't feel great!
They claim they love spending time with us and want to help out which just annoys me more when they don't actually do it. Ironically my grandparents used to do all the childcare for us for 2 days a week when we were kids and we would see them every weekend on top of that and my parents would still complain they didn't get much support! We've never had anyone who could have our son for even an hour!
I visit my mam when I get a day off during the week if I can but my son is a terrible sleeper and it messes up his routine so we then have a terrible night after with him so it's a bit of a nightmare and there's nothing at my parents house for him so I have to drag everything he needs and toys etc with me so it's not easy but I try to do it when I can! We can't visit at weekends as they're not there as at the caravan which is to far away.
Not sure if I'm being completely unreasonable as if I try to mention anything I'm just made to feel like I'm being stupid and my feelings are never acknowledged. It just feels like the caravan is their priority and it always has been, I just thought having a child would change that. After having cancer and not seeing him months, I'd have thought they'd want to spend as much time as possible with their grandson but maybe I'm being selfish and expecting too much as my grandparents did so much for us! I keep hearing friends with all this support and going on days out with grandparents and I'll admit it does make me jealous.
Just want some perspective as I think maybe I'm making it worse in my own head!

OP I will add that the lack of engagement has its advantages too. You have an 18 month old now so your world is probably quite isolated and small. In just a couple of years your child will likely have hobbies and playdates and birthday parties galore and taking them on days out etc will feel more easy and joyful. Managing their social life will become an actual FT job 🤣 and I suspect you'll be glad you aren't having to earmark half of every weekend to apease family members tbh. It can be isolating or liberating depending on how you want to view it.

Although you want parents who'd walk over hot coals to see your family, it's more likely you have some that would like to, but wouldnt bother as soon as they saw you rolling out the hot coals. Is it possible that you sometimes make decisions that make things feel like hard work? Not on purpose, just a sort of overthinking. Two carloads of stuff for a weekend does sound a bit tiresome.

For these weekends, wouldn't it make more sense for your parents to pick DS up from nursery before his nap, so he sleeps in their car on the way, with you and DH following along with the dog after work? Maybe your parents have different ideas of how they'd slot in, where they'd feel less like you were managing them, and you could find out what they are.

It's interesting that every example you give about them suggesting seeing DS you are assuming you are central to it, have they never seen him without you? Maybe your mum would like to get him from nursery early some afternoons and take him to the park or for ice cream or something before you get back from work?

Maybe she wouldn't? It's possible, but maybe ask them how they see it working and don't put obstacles in, just try and work with them a bit more. Your grandparents had a relationship with you separate from your parents, just make sure you give that choice.

I bet they will want lots of help when they are elderly and need support though.

Here we go again. Your parents brought you into the world, provided a warm and loving home, educated you, helped you get on in life but no they can fuck off when they are old as they didn't give any help with YOUR children. FFS haven't they done enough?

If you’re off two days during the week why don’t you go visit your parents at their home? Why do you set the expectation they have to visit you?

I can see both sides. Ideally you'd want your parents to be doting grandparents and desperate to see the little one all the time.

But you also sound quite high maintenance. Taking two cars as a family of three with a small child (big dog notwithstanding) is actually ridiculous. So is 'he's a sensitive child' and his sleep being disrupted for days by a trip to your mums. It's possible that they find meeting up quite hard work.

Compromise needed on both sides I think.

She says she does visit -

I visit my mam when I get a day off during the week if I can but my son is a terrible sleeper and it messes up his routine so we then have a terrible night after with him so it's a bit of a nightmare and there's nothing at my parents house for him so I have to drag everything he needs and toys etc with me so it's not easy but I try to do it when I can!

Wow. Who are you including in “this generation” if you don’t mind me asking?

You work in the NHS? I’m surprised tbh as your post does not reflect a very professional or objective attitude.

My dh and I are working in our sixties and still supporting our adult dh who are studying. We’ve put everything we had, emotionally and financially, in to raising them, and although it was hard work, it was also a pleasure and an honour to do so. They have turned out to be lovely people!

Like many of our peers, we had our dc late, so we had no help whatsoever from our parents. My dh and I did it all by ourselves. And although I love babies and small dc, I will be glad to have a bit of a break when I retire properly just to recover before that phase starts. I’m knackered honestly with thirty years of work and a quarter of a century of parenting behind me.

Comeinsideforacupoftea
I’m sorry you find your parents disappointing and “boring” for wanting to enjoy their life at home, they have obviously hurt you in some profound way, but ultimately it’s up to them how they choose to spend their time and it’s not appropriate to blame an entire generation for that.

Could you stay in one of the multiple houses they've bought near the caravan? Or is your son unsettled anywhere away from home?

I do get that you feel hurt. When I was little I (and my sister) spent a lot of time with our grandparents, both with and without our mum there. We loved it and they seemed to as well and mum sometimes got a break to do other things. Our grandpa was ace and would do things like set up treasure hunts in the woods and climb trees with us, it was just the best time. I know we should never assume but I admit I did mind of assume my mum would want to replicate the same grandparental relationship with my kids but that has not been the case at all. My parents aren't horrible to them/us but they have never seemed very interested and are busy with things they find more interesting. It's a shame but its one if those things. You can't change it so ...

I think it'd be helpful to think about that time.

You were presumably on mat leave but went over once a week - were you "prioritising other things" on the other six days?

Your parents have weekends free and see their grandson approximately every sixth weekend. I.e. almost exactly the same proportion of their free time that you gave your mum when she had cancer.

Think about her accusing you of prioritising other things and not really caring because you only came once a week. Do you think that's fair and accurate?

They haven't really hurt me in any way that I can't make peace with but the older I'm getting the more I'm realising that they're objectively apathetic and selfish. Of course they can live their life how they like and I can choose to live my life for myself and my daughter. That's exactly the point I was making. You might think I'm unprofessional but actually I have a layer of understanding and compassion for the many people who care for relatives informally or who choose not to. I understand that beteeen that elderly, dependent person who is as sweet as pie to me and those relatives who might sometimes come across as callous there is a whole heap of history and feelings that I will never understand and I'm able to care for all involved without judgement so please don't question my professional values.

My mother raised 6 kids with no help and doing a full time job in the NHS, on call one weekend in 4 and one night a week. I raised my two kids with no help from either my mother or dh's mother who also worked full time. None of my friends had help from their parents - a few my kid's friends did but it certainly wasn't the norm - and whilst you keep thinking it is - you'll continue to feel hard done.
To quote Catchphrase you "say what you see" but you don't see much beyond your nose.

Of course they’re prioritising their own lives, leisure time and business. Why shouldn’t they? They can love their grandchild without needing to see him every five minutes. They can be loving grandparents without making your toddler the centre of their world. He is the centre of yours because you’re his mother and your entire existence revolves around him. That simply isn’t, and shouldn’t be, the case for anyone else. Nobody is obliged to enjoy spending all their spare time with a toddler, however much they love him.

Your mother has had cancer. I’m guessing her sense of perspective is actually crystal clear on this: a health scare like that does tend to do that.

I would have a conversation with them and tell them exactly how hurt you feel that they don't seem to want to be as involved in your child's life as your own grandparents were in your life.

Seriously though, some grandparents don't want to be overly involved with their grandchildren, especially when they are small.

I read a comment on here a few years ago that really resonated with me as I had also spent so much time with grandparents growing up and then when I had my own Dc my parents had very little interest in them. The comment was along the lines of if they didn't want to spend time with their own children why would they be interested I'm grandchildren.
It's upsetting but it's not about you or your DC, it's them. They don't have an interest in children or value quality time with them. They didn't when you was a child, hence you spending more than 2 days a week with grandparents and they don't now with their grandchildren.

Your mum has just had cancer and chemo. Your Dad still works full-time and they run a couple of side businesses.

I'd imagine they're just exhausted. It takes a long time to get over having had cancer, people think that once the chemo's finished that's it and things will get better from there but there's often a psychological crash that comes after the medical stuff has finished.

Why not join them for a day at the caravan and stay over there every now and then? Sounds lovely -- free little holiday, family time.

Also if their holiday cottages are near the caravan, it sounds like they're at least partially there to work?

Definitely take a step back from organizing. Let them lead on what they fancy doing.

I have been thinking about you this morning when looking after my youngest GC. I thought about how I responded to the pregnancy announcements and the thought of what would happen. Of course the IVF child was more difficult as it was just about “is this one going to stick”, but for the others conversations were about who was going to buy the buggy, which granny was best at knitting and how child care would work.

Once GC visited regularly I had conversations about which high chair I would buy (and for what it is worth if you have a sturdy chair I would recommend a booster seat). I discussed what meals would work in practice because BLW was new to me.
When planning visits to Great GM I discussed with my sister and mother the reality of GC needing to stay in a hotel because the house had too many danger spots.

Maybe your parents talk enthusiastically about the caravan as being a great place for your child to spend summer holidays. Alternatively they may have told you about their rental houses as an inheritance for their grandchildren (probably not, but it might be that they see the grandparents’ role as providing a future for the next generation).

Obviously OP your circumstances are different, but I cannot help thinking the presence or absence of such topics of conversation would flag up how interested your parents are in being important in your child’s life and what they expect their role to be. I think it is important to manage your expectations so you don’t allow yourself to feel sad.

Some grandparents choose not to be emotionally close to their grandchildren. I was horrified as a new mum when dh's father said he felt no emotional connection to our son. My own parents were the opposite but lived 12,000 miles away.
Now I'm a grandparent and love my grand daughter and visit as often as possible but dh doesn't feel the same way. He tolerates seeing them a couple of times a year but that's it. He would much rather spend his time holidaying in the caravan! It's sad - and I totally understand how you feel- but you can't make your parents feel differently.

It sounds to me like OP just wishes that her parents actually wanted to spend time with them. Nothing unreasonable about that imo.
My mum wanted to spend time with her gc... but we are a very family orientated family. I guess everyone's different

This is a very good point actually - why would they be interested in spending time with their DGC when they were happy for their own parents to look after their children so much when they were younger? My in laws were like this - totally disinterested in their grandchildren - despite having my MIL's parents living round the corner from them when DH and SIL were growing up and constant child care on tap.

OP, it sucks - I completely get that. You're not asking for them to spend every weekend with you, but it would be nice if they wanted to spend time with you without feeling it was tagged onto their trips to the caravan or holiday cottages. I honestly don't know how you change the mindset of people who think that way - it's hurtful. I think the only thing you can do is acknowledge it's how they want to live their lives, and not look for anything else.

Even if someone is in remission from cancer, it absolutely fucks you up with fatigue for a long time, if not forever. I don't think that's being considered enough on this thread.
Sitting with your feet up looking at the view and going out for a bite to eat isn't comparable to having young kids bouncing around you in terms of restfulness.
I think seeing grandkids once a month when they don't live nearby is a pretty good effort.
Who moved OP?

Kid - there is only one, and his parents are present at all times. An hour a way is close by - it's a normal, nothing-out-of-the ordinary daily commute, and a drive they do every weekend to their caravan.

Their life, their choice. It sounds like great fun at their caravan so I don’t blame them really. Not everyone is crazy about their small grandchildren.

Sadly OP and from my own personal experience people will only do what they want to do. I think your parents have clearly shown you where their priorities lie here so the best piece of advice I can give you from my own personal experience is to believe them rather than wasting any time, hoping they will change, trying to reason with them or trying to persuade them to change, or wasting time being sad, feeling you are not enough etc because of it.

I tried having several conversations about how I felt, what I would like etc etc I spent or wasted over 20 years. My parents still favoured spending time with my niece than me or my DC no matter what I did, didn’t do, said or didn’t say. It was like banging my head against a brick wall. Nothing made any difference.

The ‘if I can’ tells me it’s not weekly though. I think it’s clear Op expects everyone to bend over backwards for her considering she thinks her dad should give up full time work to spend more time with her son!