Ex husband going on holiday with new family

[SmileWithStyle]

Hi All,
I'd really appreciate some support or advice here as I feel in an awkward position. My ex husband and I divorced in 2023 and we have two sons who are now 7 and 10. He has since re-married and had another child with his new wife.
We have shared custody of the boys it works around 40%-60% split, with me having them a little more and usually sorting out all of the admin that comes with having kids.
So the problem started when my ex husband went on holiday abroad with his new wife and their daughter, but the boys were not invited. His mum helped with childcare, but my oldest was really upset and said "we're being dumped at Grans while they go on holiday" which I'm gutted about. My youngest is a bit more laid-back and was upset, but not to the same extent.
My oldest son has been having tantrums at his dad's and not behaving well. He's been great with me, very few issues and we have a really close relationship. His dad asked me to speak to him about the tantrums and bad behaviour. When we had a chat my oldest opened up about not feeling important to his dad, that they don't spend any time together, that the new daughter is the favourite etc. Firstly, I'm not sure how to feed that back to his dad. I feel it's not my place to be getting involved, but on the other hand, I want to advocate for my son and how this is making him feel.
Then there was another incident yesterday. I took the boys for haircuts cuts and they wanted to show their dad, so the boys did a video call and he was away in Ireland with his new wife and child. The boys didn't even know he was going to Ireland. After the video call they were both pretty upset and frustrated that their dad was away in Ireland and they hadn't been invited again.
I've tried reassuring them that they are loved and they know that, but I think my ex husband is really damaging his relationship with the boys, especially the oldest as they're being excluded from trips and holidays.
How can I approach this? It's such an awkward one as I don't really want to be the person telling him how his actions are impacting the boys. Our relationship is pretty fragile, there had been DV and lots of controlling behaviour so I don't think having that conversation will go down well.

He's asked you a question so just tell him in a matter of fact way what your son has said the issue is and then leave that with him because his relationship with his son is his responsibility even though it impacts you. Your son's behaviour at his isn't really your issue since your son is fine with you.

Otherwise, just allow your son to vent to you about his feelings about his new half sister/lack of attention from dad staying closely with listening to his feelings about this rather than reassuring because ultimately he is grieving the loss of his dad day to day and you can't fix this for him and it does hurt. You could say something him like, "it sounds like you feel really angry about that holiday and that's Okay. It is okay and normal to feel hurt/angry/sad." That way you are validating his feelings and hearing him.

Hopefully you have someone you can also vent to about this - because it must be gutting for you, as well as your son?

I’d focus on support for your son, therapy, talking to school etc.

Dont engage with your ex about it unless he asks you directly. If he does, say “ DS has been feeling pushed out due to the holidays etc. it’s understandable to feel that way, please show some understanding”

I would validate their feelings rather than speak up for your ex. It’s a shitty thing to do and they are allowed to feel shit. You cannot change the situation, but you can encourage the children to tell their Dad how he feels, and express how they feel to you so they at least feel heard

we're being dumped at Grans while they go on holiday

That's quite a grown up thing for a 10 year old to say, unless he's heard it from another family member.

Exactly this.

Pretending everything should still happen as if it's the same family unit isn't on. There are two households and the boys need to understand the reality when parents decide to split up.

There are now two separate households, and two people spend some of their time in both. It is not possible for them to be part of everything in both, not should they have that expectation and be taught it's not fair if they aren't. Mum should be able to go to the theatre without them. Mum should be able to take one karting while the other stays with Auntie Sue because he isn't old enough to drive the kart like his older brother. And the younger shouldn't immediately question how loved he is because of it. Dad should be able to take a weekend with a baby in tow whilst the elder ones are at school without any issue. They will inherently be part of more things in the resident parents home than the non residents. They are there more.

I think as long as OP keeps reiterating that this is pretty normal for children with 7yr+ age gaps, and it's not healthy for a 10yr old child to have issue with how a baby is treated in direct comparison, because the two aren't comparable.

This is a good way to handle it.

My oldest son has been having tantrums at his dad's and not behaving well. He's been great with me, very few issues and we have a really close relationship. His dad asked me to speak to him about the tantrums and bad behaviour.

This is your problem ^ right here.
He's still expecting to do the wifework of fixing problems with the DC for him. How the DC behave on his time is not your issue to solve. Don't allow him to put you in this position of being the middle-man (woman) between him & his DC's relationship again.

Support your DC though. There are some things you can tell your boys to make them feel better about things - for example, do you get to take them away on holiday?
I hope you do.
So they get extra holidays with you, which their little sister doesn't get.
Was it in school time? - if so, that's why they couldn't go to Ireland.
Also, little babies do take a lot of time and attention, and although it feels he may be prioritising new baby over them, it doesn't mean he loves them any less.

I do remember very well being a child of the first marriage, both my parents remarried and had more DC, and it does feel like you are 'replaced' by the new DC, and you do feel caught between two families, while your new siblings get to live with both their parents full time.
It's not easy. I will say that I have the loveliest relationship with my half siblings now though - so do try to act positively and nurture the relationship with their new sister.

I'd say concentrate on giving them the very best time when they're with you, reassure them that Dad does love them (can be difficult I know, when his behaviour suggests otherwise) but 'drop the rope' when it comes to your ex. It is up to him to maintain their relationship.

The little one is surely less than 3 and not at school - just tell them that it makes sense for them to take term-time breaks before she starts school as it’s very expensive. They’re obvs back at school hence lack of invite.

Yes I thought that too. It reads to me that it's a parental view, and there is now opportunity to encourage that view in the children. There's also opportunity to be very sensible about it. Depends which way you want to go about it.

I wonder why they are "dumped at grans" too. Mine enjoy going to grandparents house and getting spoiled. I read it that the dad had gone away in his non contact time, but his mother had agreed to do some childcare for OP, but may be wrong on that. Also depends on the longevity and type of break. I'd like to think the kids would get taken to a week at Disney, but a three night hotel city break somewhere? At 10 they shouldn't automatically be thinking how they've been dumped so they can go on holiday.

Sorry to read this. Too many dads leave and have more children with a new partner with no consideration for the DC they already have. IMHO this is the root cause for many children’s unhappiness - they feel left behind, left out and unimportant. I’m sorry for your son, same thing happened with my boys, it’s tough when you’re left to run the show and pick up the pieces emotionally. I think the DC dad is bloody cheeky to ask you to talk to your older son - after all he created this mess so it’s his job responsibility to talk to your son.

If there was a chance that their father would take a closer look at his actions and choices, realise he's damaging his relationships with his sons, and take steps to make them feel more included and valued, I'd say it's worth at least trying. If he's been abusive and difficult in the past, however, I'd question whether it would do any good. Unless he's spectacularly stupid, he must know that his older kids will feel excluded if he repeatedly takes his new family on holiday but never/rarely makes the same type of effort with his sons.

If he asks for information or your opinion, I'd try to find a way to tell the truth, but phrase it so it doesn't sound like accusations or blame. However, you probably know him well enough to determine what's best when dealing with him, and that might mean supporting your sons in other ways.

I’d lay everything on the table. And share all what your ds has shared with you. What he does with that info is then down to him. Maybe he’ll reflect and adapt to what your dc needs from him. Maybe he’ll ignore, as many do, and try to justify his actions. But at least you’ve tried, and can then decide what needs to be don’t to protect your DCs from this emotional abuse. If it’s easier to outline everything in a WhatsApp or text/email, then do that rather than face to face.

I completely understand how hurtful this is for your boys, but from the other prospective, the new wife and child can have holidays with their own family unit. Yes, the boys should be included in some of their holidays, but I think it's ok that they still have some without them.

I don't think you should advocate for the ex or anything, your boys feel how they feel and their feelings are completely valid and understandable. But it's your exes job to nourish their relationship, your eldest certainly sees him for what he is.

But children do take a back seat when their father has a new family. It happened to me, it happened to my kids, it happened to loads of posters here.
It's heartbreaking to see your child hurt, repeatedly, and it's even harder to know how to handle it.
I used to acknowledge how they felt and try to arrange other fun stuff for them and make sure there were members of the extended family who looked out for them too. I didn't badmouth him, much as I wanted to. They're adults now and they know exactly who he is and what he's like.

It was bloody hard, and shame on our exes for putting their kids through this.

Is he acting up because he doesn’t want to stay there? Imagine being in a house where you don’t feel wanted then having to stay with grandparents as dad is on holiday without you. I would change the routine, less time with dad if he can’t prioritise your boys.

It's really not. I've a 10yr old and she's fairly sharp.

What a strange comment. You see your children upset and you want to fix it.
What would you advise in this situation?

Is it that he has a new family, or is it that there's a refusal to accept that if one parent doesn't live in the same house so doesn't see you for most of the days, that naturally you won't do all the things that parent does. Nor should you compare yourself to a baby in a very different stage of life.

It's not healthy to lead a child to think they remain in the same situation, simply under two rooves. They have two separate family units in two different households. These households will likely end up with new people that have zero connection to the other household and are quite entitled to do things independently. (As anyone in any household is, let's not forget that.) These households may have very different incomes, parenting styles, priorities and lifestyles. It's not for one household to tell the other how they should be doing it. They aren't the same unit anymore.

Is ex (or the new partner) Irish and they’ve gone back to see family? We never took DSC when we went to see my family.

My friend is the other women in this situation and they take their kids on big fancy holidays (Disney cruises) and don’t take ‘his’ children it’s absolutely disgusting! It must break your kids hearts! Has your children’s father taken them abroad this year at all? It’s a crap situation for your kids I really do feel for them. Can you take them away? It’s not substitute but a good alternative.

Shit isn’t it! I am sorry that was your experience. And anyone who wants to argue it either doesn’t get it, or is defending their own sub par behaviour.
For what it’s worth, my mother didn’t want us either, she too found a new family and “moved on”. We were just….left. Dreadful and unimaginable to me as an adult. Again, positives are it taught me resilience, independence and I actually think I’m a better person because of it.

unpopular opinion but I think when you split up and have new partners and children and the kids you had previous do not live with you full time there are going to be things that the children miss out on because of this.

i have two children with different dads. Me and my partner take my youngest away sometimes and my eldest stays with my family not because of favouritism but because he'd be extremely bored going to what he calls "baby" places and he much prefers all the attention he gets from my parents.

it isn't always as black and white as having a favourite but sometimes practical or financial who knows.

do you take your kids away for holidays? perhaps the dad assumes if you take them away they have had a holiday then it's fine?

anyway I think support your son and try help him through his feelings (they absolutely are valid) but remind him that he isn't there all the time with his dad so he will not always be involved in things they do but also his sister won't always get to do things he will do with you and your family.

What do you suggest she does? Agree with them that their dad doesn't love them and clearly can't be arsed?

If you don't advocate for your boys then who will? They need to know that at least one of their parents' has their backs.

Do you think the 40%-60% split is in the best interest of your kids?