Ex husband going on holiday with new family

[SmileWithStyle]

Hi All,
I'd really appreciate some support or advice here as I feel in an awkward position. My ex husband and I divorced in 2023 and we have two sons who are now 7 and 10. He has since re-married and had another child with his new wife.
We have shared custody of the boys it works around 40%-60% split, with me having them a little more and usually sorting out all of the admin that comes with having kids.
So the problem started when my ex husband went on holiday abroad with his new wife and their daughter, but the boys were not invited. His mum helped with childcare, but my oldest was really upset and said "we're being dumped at Grans while they go on holiday" which I'm gutted about. My youngest is a bit more laid-back and was upset, but not to the same extent.
My oldest son has been having tantrums at his dad's and not behaving well. He's been great with me, very few issues and we have a really close relationship. His dad asked me to speak to him about the tantrums and bad behaviour. When we had a chat my oldest opened up about not feeling important to his dad, that they don't spend any time together, that the new daughter is the favourite etc. Firstly, I'm not sure how to feed that back to his dad. I feel it's not my place to be getting involved, but on the other hand, I want to advocate for my son and how this is making him feel.
Then there was another incident yesterday. I took the boys for haircuts cuts and they wanted to show their dad, so the boys did a video call and he was away in Ireland with his new wife and child. The boys didn't even know he was going to Ireland. After the video call they were both pretty upset and frustrated that their dad was away in Ireland and they hadn't been invited again.
I've tried reassuring them that they are loved and they know that, but I think my ex husband is really damaging his relationship with the boys, especially the oldest as they're being excluded from trips and holidays.
How can I approach this? It's such an awkward one as I don't really want to be the person telling him how his actions are impacting the boys. Our relationship is pretty fragile, there had been DV and lots of controlling behaviour so I don't think having that conversation will go down well.

going through something very similar wit my son , unfortunately kids pick up on everything and they are in fact right he is putting the new family first ahead of them as is mine it’s awful watching your kids go through it , I would have a word with the dad , if he’s anything like my ex he will deflect and try to blame you or the kids you need to let him know it’s not good enough , my sons in therapy through it all

Whilst it’s rubbish there isn’t a lot you can do about it .
have you spoken to your ex to see if their is a reason this is happening ? How is their relationship with their step mum .
my ex remarried and that was the end of family holidays for my kids as well . Personally I think if you marry a man with kids then you go into the marriages wide open and you should all go on holiday at least once a year.
are the kids still going to have a family holidays with him ?
unfortunately you’re going to have call him and voice your concerns but ultimately there isn’t a lot you can do . X

Your ex was / is abusive and has done further things to harm the DC since you separated. Little chance he would listen should you raise it, so wouldn’t do that.

Would focus on supporting the DC, including finding them outside help if possible.

40% with their dad is likely not great for them. As they get older they will hopefully get more say in the split of time.

Can you support your elder son to write his dad a letter explaining what he has told you. That way it is coming from him, not you.

You'll have to just tell your ex the truth and be your son's advocater. I had a very similar situation with my eldest who was 10 at the time, although he wasn't misbehaving, he started refusing to go to his dad's due to feeling pushed out and (on some occasions) neglected. I sent ex a message on WhatsApp outlining how DS felt. Of course, my ex went on the defensive and said DS had got it all wrong. He wasn't willing to change what was making DS feel this way. I was acting as negotiator between them for a few weeks, and I encouraged DS to visit his dad for a few hours a number of times afterwards, but in the end nothing improved and it was making my son miserable. He's 14 now and hasn't seen his dad in person for 3 years.

Have your kids gone back to school yet after their summer holiday? Maybe dad could explain that for the reason for them not being taken on this latest holiday. He probably can't afford the fine school would give to both parents for taking them on holiday during term time. Not sure about the other holiday mind. He does need to be mindful to include all of his kids and not appear to have a favourite with the new baby though, he needs to assure the boys that the new baby hasn't replaced them, your boys will unfortunately resent their baby sister otherwise. My ex did this with his stepdaughter she would always be prioritised over the son we share, he would promise to have him over then he would have his wife tell me they suddenly couldn't because they had made plans for his stepdaughter. I think once it was they couldn't have him due to travelling to fetch a new puppy and there was no room in their car because apparently the puppy took up a seat in the car. Another time they apparently couldn't have him over due to having to look after his wife's baby grandson whilst her daughter was in hospital(despite the grandchild having a dad who could have looked after him)
Now my son is 16 and realised a while ago that his dad never prioritises him and now he doesn't want to know his dad

Why try and pretend your ex is a decent person? You know your son is correct and that the new shiny family is his dad’s priority now. I’d acknowledge your DS’s feelings about his dad and move on. It’s not your problem to fix.

There was no reason at all for your ex to go on holiday when he should have been having his own children. Tell him if he does it again, you will push for a court order for him to have his children every other weekend! So he can go on holiday when he likes so his own children don’t have to be aware of it!

I'm so sorry to read this. My DC is 26. I split with their dad 19 years ago and he still does the same shit. Now, as an adult DC call him out on it each and every time. He can't meet because he's on a family holiday. Oh, really? Where's my invite because the last time I checked I was your family too??

DC is actually past caring now but as a child it was hard. I made sure we had nice holidays, I didn't bad mouth dad but neither did I cover for him. I told him how upset our child was and he needed to explain and not do it again.

His excuse was he didn't think our DC would enjoy the trip. I said even if that's true you still need to invite and let them decline. It risks affecting the relationship with the younger siblings.

Did it make any difference. Nope. Do they see him for the self absorbed wanker he is yep. I'm currently on hols with just one child as the other couldn't get the time off. I'm really missing them being here because I love having my kids all together.

Are the boys in full time education so couldn't have gone anyway?

When smallest DC were pre school but elder DC were not, we took the two smallest on a tots break and eldest stayed with grandparents. They didn't complain that clearly we loved the youngest more.

It's a dangerous path to allow children down, that if they aren't included in every single thing that another child is, that they should conclude they are "second place".

It's not your problem to fix. You tell your ex that this is how DS is feeling, and it doesn't matter if you ex thinks he's not done wrong, this is the reason DS is giving. Maybe in a factual WhatsApp message rather than in person so your ex has time to think about it before responding and it might come across more informing than blaming. That is all you can do. What your ex does with that information is up to him.
You continue to be the safe space for your children and that they know they are loved and valued.
It's hard.

Id text him.

As requested, I've spoken to 10 Yr old about his behaviour at your house. He explained that he feels like he isn't a priority in your life. That you have a new family and he's and his brother are left out. This is compounded by you going on holidays and trips without him and his brother. They are both really hurt by it. It might be worth you doing a bonding trip witty the boys or maybe having some 1:1 time with them. Ill leave it with you.

Any abuse or arsehole replies. You asked me to talk to the kids and find out why the 10 year old behaviour is bad at your home. Ive done that. Im sorry you dont like the outcome of that conversation. Maybe in future you'd be better to have the discussion yourself.

Well this is likely as good as it'll get and they'll see less and less of their dad as the years go on. It's incredibly painful.

I’m not sure why you are trying to reassure them that they’re loved OP? By you yes but it’s a bit ‘gaslighty’ to keep reassuring them that their dad loves them when he’s not doing a very good job of showing them that he does … domt let children grow up believing that’s love. Secondly why are you unsure that it’s your place to feed that information back to their dad? Whose place would it be? Your son doesn’t feel as important as the new daughter because he isn’t. don’t muddy what he knows to be true by pretending it isn’t. It does damage in the long run and it’ll wreck your relarionship with him as if you’re telling his dad cares about him when it seems like actually he doesn’t really.. that’ll destroy the trust between you and him. And yes I know it’s the dad’s job to figure out what is wrong with his own children ffs but obviously he’s not going to bother.

I was that child and it was fucking awful. Father just….moved on with a new family and we were ditched like shit on his shoe. There is literally nothing you can do, he’s not unaware, he just doesn’t care. Reassure your son YOU will always be there for him and you will never do what their father is doing.
I haven’t seen my “dad” in decades now, his loss. And, for what it’s worth, the positives are it made me a much better step parent. I would never have entertained a man who didn’t prioritise his children.

Wondering what the Ex's mother thinks of this . Perhaps she could also advocate for your boys . But ultimately there is not a lot anyone can do about his shit parenting . It is so hard to watch this in families. You can divorce your wife but how do they act like they divorce their children too ? And it happens over and over again with these men just ignoring their own children .
You sound like a lovely concerned mother OP . I hope your son can come to terms with shit situation but know that his mother will always be there for him .

Reassure your son YOU will always be there for him and you will never do what their father is doing.

This.

You can't really fix the problem because it's your ex actions causing it.

TBH I think you need to push back and say your ex needs to talk to him as I don't think he actually wants you to talk to child so won't likely won't listen but it's really code for fix the situation and make the child play along with what ex wants.

Another thought, I'm guessing the girl is very small? Under 3 for sure, perhaps even just a baby/one year old?

Have you explained to him that attention doesn't mean "loved more?" As in the little one will hurt itself, cry, need nappies, need more entertaining, help eating, help with virtually everything really, require more attention so it doesn't fall in the fire etc and this is an age thing, not a "love" thing?

It's very normal for older siblings to be jealous, and some even become infantile in the hope that behaviour gains them the same attention that they feel the smaller child has stolen.

You could well be experiencing the same in your own home if that's where the new baby happened to be. It happens to be in the other home.

Completely irrelevant if your children are full siblings and live with you full time. Nothing like your parents splitting, and a parent leaving and starting a new family and leaving you behind.

Holidays aren't the issue, they're just an event the children can easily point to as evidence their dad doesn't care about them anymore.

Sorry but it's not completely irrelevant if the boys couldn't have gone anyway.

But then you get into questions about why didn't they book when the older boys could have gone and TBH that's on ex to explain to his kids not the OP to offer excuses.

It is. You must be very ignorant about how children feel after their parents split.

@StockingsByTheFire It is when he deliberately plans these trips when he knows his boys can't go because of school. He could easily have planned something on the six week holidays to include them . He chose not to .

You can't change what your idiot ex does and stop him from damaging his relationship with his children. The only thing you can do is be there for him and reassure him that how his dad is treating him isn't his fault

This is clearly a tricky situation. I would find it hard because I do find if difficult not to call a spade a spade.

I would say that your way in is to feedback to your ex in the conversation you had about the tantrums. You say in plain English what you have expressed in your post. Your ex cannot complain because he asked you to get involved. The previous poster who suggested that your DS write his thoughts in a letter is also a good idea if your son is up for it.

I hope that things improve