How often do parents have nights away from young children?

[Moocrewmummy]

How often do you leave your children for nights away/functions/nights away?
I’ve recently posted a thread of AIBU & whilst the poll fairly even, I’ve been torn apart for various reasons so please only respectful comments as I’ve had a fair few hurtful comments. I went on for genuine advice and left feeling shamed. A lot of things were just assumed, took out of context and twisted. I had a lot of comments saying that having left my children on 4 occasion over night is “a lot” to have left my children. My eldest is 4 & youngest is 2. Is this as bad as people seem to think? Am I a bad parent for having 4 nights away in 4 years?

Not until they were 5 and 7 and then for two nights while they were with grandparents. We haven't done it again since and they are now teenagers. We tend to go away separately with our own friends or all together as a family.

Everyone has different circumstances. I have a friend whose children spend 1 night a week with the grandma and its been going on 16 years. I've had lots of nights away from my dc but not always with dh as well. Dh and I get a few nights away in school holidays, maybe a week abroad, kids go to grandparents so we might get 1 night alone but I coukd get 2 or 3 depending if dh has taken them to his mums. Some people get no breaks.

Together I think once for a wedding. DH and I separately a few times for work reasons. But that is more preference really, we aren’t evening/night people so things we like doing are in the daytime and it’s more likely we would get a babysitter in the afternoon to let us do something together. And that we do regularly. Happy settled kids who are used to being looked after by others as well as us.

I don’t think four weekends is excessive and if I had someone to have my children then I would but I don’t so we’ve had one night ‘off’ in nearly seven years.

I think the issue on your other thread was a sense of entitlement. You expected your in laws to look after your children so you could go away and do something enjoyable (rather than, say, in hospital or similar) on top of having them on a weekly basis and also expected to dictate what they do during that time.

Im not saying it’s right, or that it makes me more virtuous/a better parent etc but I genuinely haven’t had a night away from my children ever (so 10 years)

We don’t have a village to help, 3 children is a lot to ask someone to look after anyway. I also didn’t have children to leave them for extended amounts of time; although a night here and there I think is fine!

As long as you’re happy then why should others opinion matter? Mine is nearly 2 and DH and I haven’t been away together yet but that’s because she only started sleeping through recently. He’s been away often for work and ive had a couple of nights away with friends.

Also my MIL does a day a week childcare so I don’t feel comfortable asking her to do much more than that.

Once a month. They stay with my dad. I will be 100% honest - he is overcompensating with babysitting because he feels bad he was an alcoholic my whole childhood, but hay free childcare. He takes all three of them Friday - Sunday. I am very very very lucky (well I am now, he was a real bummer to be around when I was a kid).

Also my DN is at uni in Edinburgh now so sometimes to make some money she will come over and have them. We don’t stay out all night but we pay her for the overnight so there’s a sober adult in the house, just in case someone had to drive to hospital or something. She also loves being at our house because there’s a fully stocked fridge and she can have the heating on so it’s a win win.

We do 2 or 3 weekends a year. We pay a friend's teen DDs for the privilege.
We don't use much babysitting besides this and I think we all benefit from it greatly.
No involved family, so painfully jealous of those who do.
These sorts of threads always bring out the competitive martyrdom. Do whatever works.

I have a six year old, two nights a month he goes to the hospice for a sleepover. He's very happy and settled there and I get to catch up on some sleep, there's just me and him at home and there is no-one else to give me a night off to catch up. He's very complex medically and life limited, some lots of nights I get between 3 and 4 hours sleep so those hospice nights are my lifeline.

It doesn’t bother me what you do, it’s your family your choice.

DC1 left them with my mum age 2.5 for 1 night when we went to a weding

DC2 has only been left with dad 2 nights while I was in hospital with baby 3

DC3 has never been left yet (1 yo)

we might go away for 1 night in a few years time but someone would probably need to take all 3 or we would have to split them up which I don’t think they would love

We have no family nearby, so they have to travel quite far to babysit overnight. Together, we have probably had around 5 nights in 8 years, perhaps less. I would love more, but it just isn’t possible at the moment.

Both sets of grandparents keep offering to have my 2.5 year old. My parents had toddler this morn for two nights, not an unalloyed success as toddler had an uncharacteristic split night AND evenings were bad for a week afterwards... But we are building up to more grandparent nights, because I went to both sets ALL the time as a child and loved it.

Once every two weeks since he was 5 weeks old. Each set of grandparents take it in turns. They’ve also enjoyed multiple holidays away with GPs since he was a baby. He’s well rounded, confident and self assured and we have the best bond. He also has an amazing bond with his grandparents. I also do not give a shit what other people think!

We have a 5 and 8 year old. We've just started having some overnights without the dcs, about 5 times in the past year. They have sleepovers with PILs, but PILs live abroad and we see them a total of 4 weeks a year. They didn't do them when they were younger though, partly because I did extended bfing. We'd probably have more overnights if they lived nearby.

I've never gone away on holiday and left them with DH or used a paid babysitter. Mainly tbh because the one person I'd want to go away with is DH. And I wouldn't feel comfortable with a paid babysitter for an overnight.

our kids are 4 and 6 and we’ve had 4 individual nights away from them as a couple and only in the past year as we don’t have parents to help so have had to pay for a babysitter to look after them for 24 hours (which adds up)

we’ve had many night away separately, when DH or I go away with friends

DS is 2 and a bit and he’s slept at my SILs 4 nights in total. A trial run before we went away for a wedding, the 2 nights we were away for that, and one night last month just because he loves it, they love it, and we got a night to truly relax together.

Separately leaving him with the other parent, loads. I go away for work for 1-3 nights several times a year, DH goes away for work for 2 weeks a couple of times a year.

I’ve had no Time away in 9 years, due to Sen needs, but I don’t think you’re wrong to have had time away! If you can then definitely do it, and enjoy it!

Couldn’t possibly count. We’ve had nights out since DC were weeks old. They stayed overnight with grandparents, both sets were keen to be involved and also provided 1 day per week childcare when I went back to work so DC have always been happy with them. Longest we’ve done is 2 nights so it’s mainly for nights out rather than big trips away.

I have not managed it yet. I had one night away from DC1, when having DC2.

If I had willing grandparents I would bite their arm off!

i don’t hugely feel it as I’ve never had it so don’t miss it IYSWIM. I would bloody love a proper lie in though.

No you aren’t wrong for having nights away. Some couples manage to have childfree nights regularly, for others it’s very rare, there’s no norm. What you do need to remember though is that if you are lucky enough to have free childcare then you can’t dictate what they do during that time, unlike when you pay someone

My youngest is 8. Ive had 1 night away with DH since he was born. Id have loved to have more but we have no one to look after him overnight.

This night away only happened as it wa a special occasion for DHs birthday & our oldest 2 DC agreed to look after him overnight (they are 20 & 21).

There’s no right or wrong number, it’s whatever you and your children are happy with. The issue with your other thread is that you were complaining about the quality/type of childcare. Nobody was laying into you for going away; they were laying into you for moaning about how your children would be looked after while you opted to do an entirely unnecessary trip.

I guess it depends a bit on circumstances. I didn't want both me and hubby (dad) to be more than an hour away from mine (night or day) until they were 10, so that if there was an incident and they had to go A&E as an example, at least one of us could be there quickly. After 10, they were old enough to understand better, have a phone to call us, and speak for themselves more, so me and hubby do once a year for our anniversary (2 days 1 night).

Dh and I maybe 5-20 nights a year, but separately. We might have a night away here and there, sometimes for work, sometimes not, plus a weekend or two each year. I often take a solo holiday of maybe 3-5 days (usually a city break somewhere). Then we each take the dc away for a few nights here and there to visit family or do something (and the other stays home alone).

So I’d say in an average year, I am not with my children for probably 10-20 nights, give or take. I probably have more time away than Dh as I’m generally doing slightly more of the day to day and I like to travel more.

We don’t ever have nights away together alone though because no overnight childcare. We do have grandparents, but they have very little interest and have never even taken them for a day out. Dc are 8 & 13, but I’d say this has been pretty standard since they were toddlers. I have zero guilt about it. I went to Australia for 2 weeks for work when eldest was 16 months. It was weird at the time, but great.