Am I unreasonable to want more help as a homeschooling stay-at-home mum?

[EducatorMum]

Hi all, I need to know if I’m being unreasonable.
background - I’m a sahm homeschooling our 3 children (11, 4, 2). My partner works from home (data) full time and is the only financial provide which I’m extremely grateful for to enable me to stay home with the children.
I used to be a primary school teacher but came off to be with the kids.
I naturally do all of the cleaning , laundry , housekeeping , childcare. I’m up every morning anytime between 6 and 7. I do all bath times and bed times alone as they don’t settle for him. At weekends, he stays in bed until 10/11 . He struggles to sleep at night so he argues he gets the same amount of sleep as me (I go to bed with the 4 year old). I generally don’t get a lie in or much of a break. Every evening after I’ve cooked and cleaned up he will head to his office usually around 7pm and have rest and alone time until he comes to bed around 11/12. I might get an hour if the youngest naps in the day but feel things are unfair. If I ever bring it up he makes out I’m ungrateful, that he’s working a job he hates and I can do whatever I want. Is this right? I don’t know how if this is the norm for others in sahm / homeschool positions ?

Good point.

YANBU. I’m a SAHM who homeschools. I only have one child, DH works from home. DD has SEN and we both agreed homeschool was best for her although open to retrying mainstream at some point again.

Our average day is we both get up at the same time, DH goes to work in the house. I home school. We all eat lunch together if me and DD are home. I do all of the washing, meal planning, food shopping, cooking, household admin etc. We have a cleaner so the load is taken off there but any random cleaning I will do. After work he will get a bit of a break to decompress and go to the gym but then entertain our child whilst I cook and tidy etc. If I want to go somewhere in the evening he will watch her and also vice versa.

DH does the bins and the washing up and they’re his only set jobs. We split bed time and bath time because I’m not just lounging all day, homeschooling especially with SEN is a full time job. Once we’re both off the clock of “working” we both pick up the childcare. We equally participate in family time at the weekend and both usually get up at the same time but if one of us is knackered then the other will get up instead.

He has one night a week where he goes and plays football and goes to the pub for a few (soft drinks) afterwards. I do the bedtime routine and wait for him to get home to eat on this day. He’ll also watch DD when I want to get my hair or nails done etc.

I might occasionally do a bit of ad hoc work here and there (an hour or two early weekend morning) and he will have our child then, give them breakfast and then we’ll spend the day together as a family when I get home.

I think this kind of set up only works if you’re in agreement about how things should be split otherwise one or both of you will harbour resentment.

Why can’t I ?

(Haven't RTWT...) Are you planning to homeschool them all right through Secondary? Even the baby? No wonder your DH is stressed.
And I'm afraid, despite your protestations, you DO come across as resentful.

@EducatorMum your current set up is clearly not working for you and DH.
Time to have a sit down and re evaluate your lifestyle. You're both feel unhappy and under pressure to perform your tasks for the family. Question is, how long can you both keep this up?

so husband works until what, 5-6? Then has dinner and then has free leisure time from 7-11.
How many hours of leisure time do you get? Doesn't sound like it's equal.

Why would he have a mental health breakdown? People in developing countries work 12 -14 hours a day in sweatshops in shitty conditions earning a pittance. No-one mentions their MH. Enjoying your job is a luxury. Working a 9-5 from your own home doing something which is probably boring and possibly stressful at time but pays well is not exactly a hardship. Everyone I know who works from home has plenty of time to walk their dogs, nip out to the shops and generally fit work around a day at home.

Whereas the OP is working probably 18 hours out of 24 educating and looking after DCs and running a house.

Id rather do the data job tbh.

Agree. Not sure why everyone is ignoring the fact he does barely anything for the kids and lies in on both days. OP has two preschool kids so isn’t exactly chilling out all day. It feels very one sided, you need equal time to yourself. I would insist he starts doing bedtime, and you half lie ins. I’d also start leaving him with the kids a lot more. BTW I suspect he’s saying he hates his job and doesn’t sleep well to build a picture he’s hard done by so you make his life even easier than it is.

Because you are a primary teacher.
Do you have so little respect for your former profession that you think you can teach all subjects in KS4 and 5?
Especially whilst trying to work with younger children.
Do you have a drama theatre at home?
An art studio?
A science lab?
Do you speak several languages?
I think you didn’t like teaching so you used the idea of homeschooling (which should be illegal as it is in some countries) to stay at home.
At least by honest.

do you think the dc are doing school work to 6pm
every day?

So this is a relatively new home situation? And you’re finding it’s not working? DH isn’t as vested as you’d hoped ? Then maybe it’s your sign to think again?

What was DH like when you just had the one? Was he hands on then? What changed?

Your younger ones are still little and this is a very long haul. I don’t doubt that you are more involved than a teacher but there are also huge gains from school which may balance out the perceived losses. Step back and look at the whole picture.

Clearly a lot of hate there in your heart.
No I don’t believe I can teach it all , that’s not what home education is.
I believe I can teach some of it, I’m a qualified individual. I believe I have the intelligence to outsource those things I can’t teach. There are a whole host of home education groups and tutors to help. And there’s also teaching my children how to learn and find things out for themselves , after all they aren’t always going to have someone stand at the front of the class and tell them what they need to know

No hate.
I fundamentally disagree with homeschooling
I have lots of experience dealing with the consequences of it.
People are allowed to disagree with you.

So you get the kids back into mainstream schools and then go back to work. What "help" are you expecting. Your husband hates his job so you going back to work will relieve the financial pressure and maybe give him some flexibility to change roles.

I was wondering this, and what about all her colleagues?
Thing is, if your husband liked being with his children it wouldn't be "a burden" to do his part of the childcare.

OP also said she is doing everything else around the house too. And if I remember correctly, 2 and 4yo cannot really be left to their own devices for too long. Does not sound like she gets hours to rest and relax on her own.

We homeschooled when we lived remotely in a country where the education system didn't provide all that was needed.

I did 4 days, husband did one of the days.

With only 2 children and at primary school level, we only needed them to do 2- 3 hours per day.

I did find it a lot to do ( no convenience foods etc so more housework) and really benefitted from having a day off from it ( I worked on that day).

Sometimes it's not so much what you're doing but just that too much of the same thing can get monotonous.

You're experiencing that and it sounds like your husband is too.

Can you change it up a bit? You're both struggling and it sounds like more variety in each of your routines might help.

So you have been homeschooling since July?!

She could put her 2 year old into preschool for the free hours that are provided by the state as it is proven to be the best thing for children. She could put her 4 year old into school rather than assuming that because her 11 year old chose to be home educated from the age of 10 that it is the best thing for a 4 year old to stay at home.

What an unpleasant and depressing life of resentment and isolation you have described there for you, your children and your husband OP. I would say you need to have a sit down talk with your husband about making some significant changes.

Proven? Where?

I agree and disagreement isn't bullying.

This thread has gone off in strange directions.

Home ed mother here. Yes it’s fair enough for you to feel resentful in the circumstances. (And incidentally, of course you can successfully and happily home educate the children of the ages you have. Maybe for the next few years, maybe for good. I’ve seen lots of home ed kids go all the way through.)

You need to have a chat with your DH about workload, though. It sounds like he is stressed/depressed so I would try to go in the right direction gradually rather than get all the way instantly. For a start he can let you have a lie-in once a week and cook the dinner once a week. And how about you go out for the evening once a week? Do a hobby that you like? You do need a break. And maybe you could get a cleaner for a couple of hours a week?

I think your DH could do more to give you a break but I think you also need to consider whether the set up you have is causing resentment on both parts. I'm not sure I understand how all your children are getting the attention they need from during the the day.

One of my friends started home schooling last year as they liked to travel a lot and didn't want to be subject to fines - she found it very difficult with a 3, 6 & 10 year old as they all needed different things. Her DH was more supportive with house work etc but it last 6 months before they were all back at school!

Are you in the US? In the U.K. ‘public’ schools means something else altogether - upmarket, very often selective, fee-paying schools for boys of at least 11 or 13.