Am I unreasonable to want more help as a homeschooling stay-at-home mum?

[EducatorMum]

Hi all, I need to know if I’m being unreasonable.
background - I’m a sahm homeschooling our 3 children (11, 4, 2). My partner works from home (data) full time and is the only financial provide which I’m extremely grateful for to enable me to stay home with the children.
I used to be a primary school teacher but came off to be with the kids.
I naturally do all of the cleaning , laundry , housekeeping , childcare. I’m up every morning anytime between 6 and 7. I do all bath times and bed times alone as they don’t settle for him. At weekends, he stays in bed until 10/11 . He struggles to sleep at night so he argues he gets the same amount of sleep as me (I go to bed with the 4 year old). I generally don’t get a lie in or much of a break. Every evening after I’ve cooked and cleaned up he will head to his office usually around 7pm and have rest and alone time until he comes to bed around 11/12. I might get an hour if the youngest naps in the day but feel things are unfair. If I ever bring it up he makes out I’m ungrateful, that he’s working a job he hates and I can do whatever I want. Is this right? I don’t know how if this is the norm for others in sahm / homeschool positions ?

I haven’t read all of the comments because they’re making me mad that your husband is getting some sort of free pass to be absolutely bone idle because he’s bringing home the cash. Society doesn’t place much value in parents that stay home & thinks they are privileged & should be run ragged like some sort of 1950s housewife that lives to service her husband & children whilst looking good doing it. You’re not sat on your arse all day being some sort of lady that lunches & frittering away your husbands hard earned cash you are working a gruelling job 24 hours & carrying all of the mental load with no time off because your husband does less than the absolute bare minimum. He doesn’t have to stay in the job he hates but he likes to keep it hanging over you so he has the control. Being a sahm is a thankless undervalued job & your husband is only able to get such a well paid job because you are where you are now taking one for the team while he climbs the ladder. Society needs to stop placing the most value on the job that pays the highest if it means discounting all you’re doing just because you don’t earn. That’s a full time job in itself! Why do the children not settle for him?! Because he doesn’t do his part with them to make sure that they will & because you do it all. They will never settle for him if he doesn’t even try. If you start taking turns it’ll be hard to begin with but they will eventually get used to it & it’ll become the norm & they’ll settle for daddy. maybe then you can get some time for yourself while he’s doing that! Can’t imagine it’s all that quick for you or that you enjoy sleeping with a 4 year old every night because that’s the only way to get them asleep! It’s a joke how much free time he gets at your expense. This isn’t a partnership, he’s taking the piss & needs to pull his weight in the house & with the children. Work on equity in the household & get him to go on the job search! Worse comes to worse you have to go back to work if he gets something lesser paid & the kids go to mainstream school & you hire a tutor if you want extra. It gave me an incredible ick when you said that he wouldn’t “allow” you to be a stay at home mum if the kids were in school. So what? You work & potentially become the breadwinner whilst also being his maid, nanny, cook, cleaner & the rest while he sits on his arse? Or would he actually pitch in if he was in a job he liked & you added to the money pot?

Of course she could!

My post wasn’t aimed at you, it was to the poster who said you can’t do chores and look after young children.

My opinion is still the same - that being at home 95% of the chores should be done.
You have at least 4 ‘extra’ hours everyday that you wouldn’t have if you were working.

But on the weekends things are 50:50 and he should be parenting and adulting as much as you.
(Although most of the main chores would have already been done during the week).

Being a sahm is a thankless undervalued job & your husband is only able to get such a well paid job because you are where you are now taking one for the team while he climbs the ladder

I disagree with this.

OP is CHOOSING to stay home because she wants to.

She is not taking ‘one for the team’.

It sounds as though DH would be more than happy for her to go back to work.

Op your life sounds exhausting.

Actually reading it reminded me of lockdown, trying to home educate my dd8 and look after my one year old. It was a constant juggling act to keep them both entertained and cook and clean whilst my dh was closeted in his office wfh.

But he was BRILLIANT and gave me a break in the evenings.

I genuinely don’t know how you aren’t a jibbering wreck at the point. Hats off to you!

I’ve no idea what the answer is but you are one tough lady for homeschooling a kid in ks2 with an infant and a toddler in tow.

Just because he has a job doesn't mean he can take no responsibility at all for his kids. He should be spending time with them during the evening, doing some bedtimes and at least sharing the lie ins at weekend!

How is it possible to homeschool a 4 and 11 year old who are at completely different stages AND look after a 2 year old who’ll need trips to the playground etc?

Yes he would be happy for me to go back to work. But he also really likes that I’m the one caring for our children

OP have you ever discussed both working PT and therefore everything else being 50:50 too?

Perhaps it might be a good solution to the resentment you’re both feeling towards each other.

It seems that no one is really happy with your current setup OP
I think you and DH need a serious sit down chat when the kids are in bed and the balance in your relationship needs readdressing. You both sound emotionally unsatisfied, do you go on date nights, watch a film together with dinner? He can’t just disappear to his study every night, that’s not fair and not a basis for a happy marriage!
With the big age gap between your first and subsequent children I have no idea how you’re managing homeschooling, especially at Yr 7 level.
Please have a rethink, everyone deserves to be content, including you, and right now it doesn’t sound like you are.

Thank you. After these responses I’m think I’m off to reevaluate my life choices 😂

OP I think this post has time travelled to the 1910s. It would explain why so many posters are telling you to be grateful for your poor hard working husband who should never be expected to actually care for his own children or do any housework. Because it's so hard doing a job, whereas you are just a silly little woman at home with the kids.

In modern day life, your DH has opted out of family life and is being lazy. Of course it's not okay.

His job is data, your job is teaching.

You also take care of the house and the children.

So, no, it's not equal.

Any mention of homeschooling tends to completely derail threads on here.

In all seriousness OP, do. School might be great for your 11 and 4 year olds. Perhaps your family dynamic could be improved with more flexibility.

But I don’t want my DC’s teachers to love them like parents. Because that’s my job. Also the rest of the world will not love them like parents either. V weird attitude to take OP.

Just want to clarity that I’m not anti school. My eldest was in school from reception to year 6. We just have values that align with homeschooling and thought we would give it a try.

Haha thank you this made me smile.

What values are they? I doubt when your eldest is a teenager they will want to learn alongside young children when their friends are all at school!

Only one of your children is actually school age anyway. The 4 year old could I suppose be in reception but the curriculum is hardly challenging at that age. What are you planning for secondary? Tutors? Classes or are you able to teach all the subjects yourself?
I’d focus on a sensible bedtime for the children and spending some time with your husband so you can lan what next.

So what did the balance look like until last year? Because if it was the same with your eldest in school then the home schooling is a red herring (as is the DH wouldn't let you be a SAHM unless you were working when your eldest was in school.)

Reading through this I feel sorry for the OP

You aren't earning your own money, doing childcare, education and no rest

I fought hard for an education, independence and my own money. Very useful when I divorced

But if anything happens she is up the creek and hence staying with a lazy so and so. To put all the eggs in one basket, to be reliant on one person and not have respite when kids are at school. No thanks

So good luck to you. Home education aside.ake sure you have financial and emotional security if things ever change.

Very unreasonable for him to spend every evening in his office.

But OP is not homeschooling for 10 hours a day - that’s why she’s doing more chores.

If DH was WFH and not doing the commute etc then I’d say he needs to do a lot more chores.

In the time it takes him to wake up, get ready, eat breakfast and commute into the office - she could already have done half the chores.

It’s not unreasonable to say she has much more free time than him, which is why she’s doing more chores.

On the weekends though it should be 50/50

I am a teacher and you absolutely can’t.

This is an outrageous comment. Why should OP do absolutely everything because she home educates her kids?

Generally mumsnetters are pretty keen on insisting that raising kids IS work (why else do you have to pay other people to look after your kids??).

Why does her DH only have to lift a finger if she goes to work? Do other SAHMs have to do absolutely everything while their husbands do nothing other than work or just those that home educated their children?

Her husband may have a high pressured job but I bet he would keep that job if they split up. He’s using the job as his excuse to check out of family life.

OP - it’s not good enough that he can’t be bothered to help. I’m a SAHM and some of my kids are at school part time. My husband helps with stuff outside of work. Including bath time/bedtime and gets up with the kids in the morning. He is the main cook, goes food shopping etc. We split tasks same as we did when we both worked full time.

Was he always this self absorbed or has this come about since having kids? How did you share things before they were born?

It is not ok for him to keep living like a bachelor while you have three children.