Am I unreasonable to want more help as a homeschooling stay-at-home mum?

[EducatorMum]

Hi all, I need to know if I’m being unreasonable.
background - I’m a sahm homeschooling our 3 children (11, 4, 2). My partner works from home (data) full time and is the only financial provide which I’m extremely grateful for to enable me to stay home with the children.
I used to be a primary school teacher but came off to be with the kids.
I naturally do all of the cleaning , laundry , housekeeping , childcare. I’m up every morning anytime between 6 and 7. I do all bath times and bed times alone as they don’t settle for him. At weekends, he stays in bed until 10/11 . He struggles to sleep at night so he argues he gets the same amount of sleep as me (I go to bed with the 4 year old). I generally don’t get a lie in or much of a break. Every evening after I’ve cooked and cleaned up he will head to his office usually around 7pm and have rest and alone time until he comes to bed around 11/12. I might get an hour if the youngest naps in the day but feel things are unfair. If I ever bring it up he makes out I’m ungrateful, that he’s working a job he hates and I can do whatever I want. Is this right? I don’t know how if this is the norm for others in sahm / homeschool positions ?

Of course but I didn’t post to have a debate about homeschooling , was just looking from advice from others in similar situations.

Get the kids back to school and start with a pt job for yourself, not teaching, just something to do 9-3. This takes the pressure off of your partner if he is working a job he hates. It means he can look for something on less money that he would prefer.

I’m not sure why so much hate on here!! Wow!

you can certainly homeschool different ages. I can’t remember the exact stats but I remember reading that teaching 1:1 for a couple of hours at home because it’s bespoke etc is the equivalent of a whole day at a school as the school is general and caters for a whole class at a time. Actual numbers may be incorrect so don’t quote me but hopefully the gist makes sense.

the eldest can also do independent learning and online classes whilst younger ones more play based.
but none of the was the point of the post.

OP I think you should view it that his job is “data” and your job is teaching/childcare. Then the free time should be equally split and so should childcare etc. so equal bedtimes, equal chores and equal free time. I think it’s really unfair he shuts himself away.

If you go to bed with 4 year old and he’s in an office, who’s with the eldest?

it doesn’t sounds much of a relationship.

I do think he doesn’t value your worth. If you went back to work then you may have more clout. But it shouldn’t have to be like that. when I was on mat leave (so a sahm essentially) we still took turns with baby and shared chores and free time even though I was at home.

I sometimes think being at home all day with the kids and no adult time is harder than going to work!!! You’re never “off”. He gets to switch off.

it’s all really unfair OP.

Exactly. Your husband is in the wrong. He is opting out of family life.

Again I agree, but my post here wasn’t to put homeschooling up for debate

This is definitely a good option

OP you speak with such contempt towards teachers and ordinary working parents. You clearly think you are superior to the rest of us mere mortals who have to send our kids to school. Yet you seem to have an utterly miserable life. You are coming across really badly.

@EducatorMum you need to step away from this thread and ask on a home ed group.
The idea of home education really riles MN up and people seem to take It as a personal attack on their own lifestyles and choices.
You are not being unreasonable. Your husband needs to step up and give you a break. Or you need to step up and insist on one. Book yourself a gym class or join a book club.
Imagine if you had left the 11 year old out of this post and had just said that you were a sahm to toddlers and did everything and got no break. You would have very, very different reply’s. The attack on your choice to home educate is completely unwarranted and very uneducated from most posters who don’t understand it at all.

This, also giving off the vapours of how awful it is to send your child off to evil, uncaring teachers!
so no more doctors, dentists, accountants, nurses, OTs, physios, pharmacists, teachers, vets….. ladies, on having children you must home educate if you care for dc!

When you were a teacher, did you believe you ‘couldn’t care less’ about your pupils? You have a rather disparaging opinion of teachers don’t you? Even the best of teachers would find it challenging to cater for the educational needs of three widely different ages, it’s not something you even had to do as a working teacher I bet.

Then he couldn’t accuse you of doing nothing all day or ‘whatever you want’ he could potentially change jobs and he wouldn’t have any excuses not to participate in the running of the house.

I think ultimately you both need to sit down and tell each other what you want and then find a compromise.

You’re both resentful of each other.

He’s not going to do more around the house when he thinks you’ve got it easy and he’s got it hard.

And you’re going to find it hard to respect him when you’re being treated like the maid because you don’t work.

If you both decided that you’d stay home and homeschool and now he’s change his mind, then he needs to voice that instead of quietly resenting you because he hates his job.

I genuinely think you both working PT may be a good solution here.

I think you’re burying your head in sand about this because you want to keep home schooling (avoiding going to work).
Very obviously, your husband is miserable. He avoids you all at night and at the weekend. Possibly he’s very stressed from a job he hates, or he doesn’t enjoy family life or is possibly having an affair.
Some are suggesting he’s just a lazy pig, which may be true but it doesn’t change the fact that your current set up does not work and this relationship is in serious danger.
Time for some serious, honest conversations with your husband.

Yes I believe with my teaching background , my love for my children and my understanding of how they learn, im more than capable. But working part time and handing them off to strangers who couldn’t really care less is a much better option? Hmm

This. This has made me wonder what kind of teacher you were if you ‘couldn’t care less’ about the pupils in your care. Not all teachers are like you and schools thrive when their pupils succeed.

Hell no! I have been a SAHM for 14 years and I have never let DH 'have his rest', and he would never expect to come home and hide away from his family. We are a team, and we have both worked equally hard raising our 5DC, at work and at home. He appreciates how hard I work and encourages me to take time to myself when he comes home. Our youngest has just started reception and I am about to retrain, which means he will be taking on more childcare, more ferrying kids here there and everywhere, he'll be making more family meals....whilst also working full time- heaven forbid!!

I asked this earlier and got no answer. It would be surprising for a UK teacher to make this mistake.

Do you encourage him to take time to himself @W3e ?

Yes, absolutely. Like I said, we're a team.

I feel bad for how massively detailed this thread got and how much people want to debate homeschooling.

You definitely have a problem with your husband. He isn’t doing his bit. Do you like him? Does he like you?

I don’t think this a homeschooling problem, I think this is that your husband seems to think all the children stuff falls to the little woman.

I’m not sure why so much hate on here!! Wow!

you can certainly homeschool different ages. I can’t remember the exact stats but I remember reading that teaching 1:1 for a couple of hours at home because it’s bespoke etc is the equivalent of a whole day at a school as the school is general and caters for a whole class at a time. Actual numbers may be incorrect so don’t quote me but hopefully the gist makes sense.

This is hilarious to professionals used to evidence-based education.

Op it sounds like an unhappy home, something has to give with you all at home the pressure will build and build.

Its a hard one- on one hand i see your point about your dh being lazy. But on the other it sounds like he's carrying the stress of the whole family with you not working- unless you get lots if benefits as you're not working? It sounds like maybe he's changed his mind about homeschooling but you don't want to go back to work.
I suppose if he has to work in a job he hates to support 5 people he deserves some alone time. You've chosen the homeschool/domestic wife role so I guess you have to sacrifice some of your time to do so. Hopefully your children will thank you and not resent you. Try to socialise them as much as possible- especiallythe older one with no one similar age. I work with lots of Home Educating families.......

Good luck with finding an excellent (up to) A-Level Physics, Chemistry, French, Maths or Latin tutor. Unless you are capable of delivering those programmes. Sounds expensive, so I hope your DH can cope with the pressure. I was a full-time teacher, in a Public School, boarding tutor too, 70 hour week, with a bed-ridden 16 yr old. I had to HS her, obviously, using the NZ Correspondence School materials... kind friend coached her in Maths, which was beyond my ability at AS level, and I taught her English, Classics, History, Japanese to A2...it was a very challenging time, but i have degree-level quals in those subjects - without that, I'd have been totally flummoxed. Paying for a tutor would have been beyond my means.

You begrudge him of it though, I presume he knows you do.

If you worked then you're securing your own future, as well as taking the financial pressure from your husband. It may even create a bit of breathing space in order for him to get a job he hates a little less.

If you are working too then you are on equal footing when it comes to care at home, including your own care.

What would change is you would help your husband financially.

Home schooling is a perfectly good option and it is work. It takes your time and commitment during the day, so there is less time for housework. You do have an 11 year old. Do they do simple things like occasionally run the vacuum around the living area or unstack the dishwasher? Even one of those small things can really help. That's also good learning for them.

The dynamic in your marriage is concerning though. You don't see your DH 7-11 or so. Do you ever get time together, quality time? Is he still on board with home schooling? If your marriage breaks down, you'd probably have to go back to work anyway, so it should be a priority to sort out.