Am I unreasonable to want more help as a homeschooling stay-at-home mum?

[EducatorMum]

Hi all, I need to know if I’m being unreasonable.
background - I’m a sahm homeschooling our 3 children (11, 4, 2). My partner works from home (data) full time and is the only financial provide which I’m extremely grateful for to enable me to stay home with the children.
I used to be a primary school teacher but came off to be with the kids.
I naturally do all of the cleaning , laundry , housekeeping , childcare. I’m up every morning anytime between 6 and 7. I do all bath times and bed times alone as they don’t settle for him. At weekends, he stays in bed until 10/11 . He struggles to sleep at night so he argues he gets the same amount of sleep as me (I go to bed with the 4 year old). I generally don’t get a lie in or much of a break. Every evening after I’ve cooked and cleaned up he will head to his office usually around 7pm and have rest and alone time until he comes to bed around 11/12. I might get an hour if the youngest naps in the day but feel things are unfair. If I ever bring it up he makes out I’m ungrateful, that he’s working a job he hates and I can do whatever I want. Is this right? I don’t know how if this is the norm for others in sahm / homeschool positions ?

Yes, YABU. Unfortunately, it's simply part and parcel of being a SAHM and homeschooling. It's the sacrifice you make to be able to get to do those things. I'm not criticising. I'm also a SAHM who will homeschool when mine are ready. Your husband works hard to provide that life for you. Let him have rest. Bear the tough parts with grace :)

Don't be so fucking patronising.

Genuinely thank you . I appreciate this perspective

Appreciate your response. We don’t do much at weekends, he’s usually pretty tired

Yanbu to expect a husband and father who is actually present in family life.
Has he always been like this because if not, something is seriously amiss.
Your dh is spending no time with you or your children. The only communication you're getting is that he is in a job he hates and that you can do whatever you want.
I think it's time for a serious conversation with him- the current set up isn't working.

I’m curious why you think this? There are plenty of homeschooling families with different aged children that do so successfully?

Hear hear! While folk are arguing back and forth about mumsnet and homeschooling and bullying etc - here's some actionable and great advice going unheard!!

It’s actually very depressing how many posters have leapt on the OP and totally changed the tone of this thread because she mentioned homeschooling.

The problem here isn't home educating - that's a choice that you made and are happy with. The problem is that the division of labour isn't fair - for instance, if you cook dinner, he should clear up. You should both be involved in bath & bedtime - saying they won't settle for him is just a cop out. He should have been involved from the beginning but now they're not used to him doing it - you need to change that and it will take a bit of time to bed in. Once the children are in bed, that is your time to spend together as a couple. Why are you going to bed with your 4 year old? Why is he disappearing into his office for the evening? You both need to change and start making an effort to do things as a couple - watching a favourite show together or chatting over a drink or listening to some music, doing an online exercise or yoga class. There's plenty of ways you can reconnect.

Weekends, you can take it in turns to have a lie in. You need to sit down together and thrash this out - unless you invest time and effort into your relationship, it's easy to drift into feeling disconnected and spending more and more time apart.

God this sounds terrible for everyone. Poor you, poor kids, poor husband. You seem sure you've picked the right course tho OP so good luck.

He should definitely be helping more with the kids when hes not working, and having a husband unable to settle his own kids to sleep at night is ridiculous.

How does your 11 year old feel spending all day online or with a toddler and preschooler?
your home set up sounds depressing for everyone including you but sounds like you are the one that wants this. I understand why your husband doesn’t want to get up in the mornings.

I think your DH needs a reality check. Why is your job - education and parenting 24/7 and his office hours? Of course he’s unfair, well if he ageees with your choice as a family.

Our rule is: one up all up. We all work together to complete the tasks, we all sit down at the same time/go out to clubs etc. Equal (if different) work, equal me time. Your DH is hiding behind his job.

I can’t believe others don’t agree, the homeschooling is a complete red herring.

Thank you. I feel it’s been unfair

I am puzzled, from what? He works a desk job from home, does nothing else and rests from 7 until bedtime. Sounds pretty relaxing to me.

If you’re being completely honest did you choose to homeschool because you think it’s better for your kids or because you don’t want work?

Perhaps he’s resentful thinking that you simply don’t want to work.

You should be doing 95% of the childcare and housework.
You have more than enough time during the day to get everything done and so the evenings and weekends should be mostly chore-free.

However, he’s still a parent and should still parent on weekends - which includes cooking and cleaning up after his kids.

I would be really concerned about the future of this relationship as it seems both if you are resentful of each other and that is not going to end well.

Exactly, he’s hiding behind his job and is lazy as the next DH doing the same. Raising children is relentless, educating them at the same time - fuck, it would t be for me.

You have SUCH a position of privilege. I have to work at a job that I hate and believe me there isn't a day I don't envision disemboweling my coworkers and bosses. Our little girl is the only thing that keeps me from acting on those urges.

If you don't like it drop the homeschooling.

You are getting a lot of rubbish replies here OP. Of course your husband should help out in the evening and at the weekends. You are at home all day with 3 children (I know it's your choice but I'm also sure it's tiring). I'm a primary school teacher myself and being home with my 2 kids over the summer holidays was hard at times (obviously school is harder but then I wasn't home schooling over the holidays). Despite it being the summer holidays and me being 'off' all day my husband still helped in the evening, made dinners and we did stuff together as a family at the weekend. He also took annual leave so we could go on holiday and go on day trips. In every partnership both parents should be 'parenting' when able and giving eachother support and down time.

So in your current set up, you have;

you - not happy because you must be absolutely exhausted

husband - not happy because he hates his job and has sole financial responsibility for 5 people. He also has decided to opt out of family life, which is not good for you, nor the children to witness.

an 11yr old who for you is getting the best life and education you can give them

a 4 and a 2 year old who could be having a better life. They have an exhausted mother, and absent father (in the same house) and have to spend hours hanging round for a sibling to homeschool when they could be out having fun.

it’s a big sacrifice, but one which you’re happy to bear it seems for your child, eventually children.

your husband has checked out, doesn’t get any enjoyment out of you or your children. Only you will know if he will be like this regardless of what you do.

so, to answer your question, the best husbands are doing 50/50 of everything once they’re home from work.

She loves spending time as a family? She loves her siblings? She loves the free time she gets that would otherwise be wasted at school, she enjoys going to clubs she chooses , she enjoys being able to read as much as she wants, she enjoys getting maths done quicker than at school because she isn’t waiting for other children? Why would a father not want to get up in the morning with the children he wanted?

What person with a 2 year old and 4 year old at home with them can do 95% of all the chores between 9-5 so nothing ever needs to be done in the evenings or weekends?
That’s just a ridiculous assertion whether someone was homeschooling or not.

Have you ever looked after young children full time? How exactly does she have enough time to get everything done?! She is also home educating an 11 year old.

If I sent my 4 & 2 year old to a childminder would you expect that childminder to be able to get all their jobs done whilst minding my children or would you expect them to be caring for them?

Why is looking after children only an important job if you're being paid?

I'm actually disgusted by these responses.

You think it’s understandable that a father wouldn’t want to get up in the morning because his own children are there?

this post nails it. I would have a good chat with your husband and make sure you are still on the same page. If you both want to carry on with the homeschooling then it’s time to renegotiate the terms. That is your full time job (teacher) the housework etc is shared by household (inc children) . I have not homeschooled my children but have no issues whit those that do. When mine were young and I was a SAHM I regularly met with a group of parents that homeschooled- good times.

I'm currently a SAHM. Not home educating but two DC have poor attendance due to SEN and health needs. It's exhausting at times and I fully expect DH to pitch in when he's not working. Ideally we both get a few hours break at the weekend. After dinner one does bath, the other clears up. Then he plays with DC3. DC3 will only settle for me if I'm in the house but does cope if I go out. DH is encouraging me to book a night or two away this Autumn as the Summer has been intense. I would not be at all happy with your DH's lack of involvement, sorry.