Am I unreasonable to want more help as a homeschooling stay-at-home mum?

[EducatorMum]

Hi all, I need to know if I’m being unreasonable.
background - I’m a sahm homeschooling our 3 children (11, 4, 2). My partner works from home (data) full time and is the only financial provide which I’m extremely grateful for to enable me to stay home with the children.
I used to be a primary school teacher but came off to be with the kids.
I naturally do all of the cleaning , laundry , housekeeping , childcare. I’m up every morning anytime between 6 and 7. I do all bath times and bed times alone as they don’t settle for him. At weekends, he stays in bed until 10/11 . He struggles to sleep at night so he argues he gets the same amount of sleep as me (I go to bed with the 4 year old). I generally don’t get a lie in or much of a break. Every evening after I’ve cooked and cleaned up he will head to his office usually around 7pm and have rest and alone time until he comes to bed around 11/12. I might get an hour if the youngest naps in the day but feel things are unfair. If I ever bring it up he makes out I’m ungrateful, that he’s working a job he hates and I can do whatever I want. Is this right? I don’t know how if this is the norm for others in sahm / homeschool positions ?

Yeah I completely appreciate this. I know I’m privileged. I just wanted to know how others share the labour in similar situations

For what it's worth, I don't really agree with homeschooling...but I do think people are being quite unfair to you here, OP.

There needs to be balance whereby both parents have broadly equal leisure time. That isn't happening here.

Your husband's unhappiness at work is another problem that needs fixing.

I would suggest you have a chat with him about all options (including putting the kids in school) - not necessarily that you do go down that route, but to understand what he thinks might solve the issues and what he would see as a better and fairer life. E.g. if you proposed both working full time with kids at school/nursery full time, and the option for him to find a job he enjoys even if less money, and he would still expect you to do everything for the kids/house then you know he fundamentally disrespects your contribution to the family. If he is simply desperate for some time to dissociate because he's so stressed and unhappy with his job, but would like to contribute more if he felt able, then you know you need to solve the job problem as a matter of urgency as its really impacting his wellbeing.

Noone is being hateful. You aren't coming across as very receptive to suggestions and advice.

People manage by sharing the workload and domestic load more evenly - e.g. I work part time 2 days a week with a 4 year old and a 9 year old who is at school. My husband has a demanding job and long hours but he still pulls his weight at home including most of the cooking and also bedtimes.

I cannot imagine having kids your ages - dealing with all the house stuff whilst also 2 very little ones and home schooling an older one. It's just too much!

I’ve really lost hope in humanity

'Allow ' I'd put the children in school but I'm not a fan of homeschooling unless there is a very good reason . You could work part time and look after the house etc. Everyone would be better off .

Yes of course.

I’m a single parent and work FT.

On normal days I work all day then do all of the chores when I get home.

When in lockdown I worked and homeschooled and did the chores - like everyone else.

To be fair to the responses op, you lost a fair bit of support when you insulted teachers, and insulted those of us who send our dc to school. You also started off with a ‘help’ post, then got indignant and defensive when people suggested dropping home schooling.

the bottom line seems to be your husband is a selfish cunt. That’s your problem, but it got derailed due to your above!

You have stated that your husband "wouldn't allow" you to not work if you weren't home educating, why do you "allow" him to opt out of all responsibilities in the home/regarding the children? Why do you "allow" him to lie in every Saturday and Sunday?

Doesn't your 11 year old have any evening groups/activities that one of ypu takes them to while the other one has the little ones?

I stayed at home for a few years while mine were little, my DH often worked away during at the time so day to day I did everything but as soon as he was home for the weekend / a few days I expected him to parent and do some tasks around the house. So over the course of a year I probably did 90% of the home and kids stuff but he still had to chip in when he was at home.

You need to let him know that the current system isn't working for you and come up with plan between you that works for you both. My neighbour home eds, she still has a part time job, one of the things home educators says is it requires much less time than school hours so find a way to contribute something financially in return for him contributing to the running of the house and regardless he needs to parent some of the time.

I don't understand why the DH is getting soft ride here. He has 3 kids and never does bedtime with any of them when he works from home so no commute, and as far as I can tell op cooks the dinner too, and he doesn't do much on the weekends? Is he ever actually a dad? Does he ever have to do anything other than relax outside of his work hours?

Yet another thread where housework and looking after children is simultaneously so easy that it doesn't count as work or need any break, yet it's too tiring for someone who has a job to do any of at all... It can't be both.

Not sure why when I was on your side…

You are doing more because you are replacing school, AND you’re doing all the house stuff. @EducatorMum you both work, so he should be helping with stuff that needs doing outside of school hours.

I think she was agreeing with your sentiment at being disgusted!

Ffs. Put your kids into mainstream education. Your husband doesn’t get to tell you what to do, work part-time if you can’t full-time and run the house - totally reasonable you can’t carry both loads by the way. You would also benefit from going back to work, having your own income and building your pension. Everyone in the house as independent individuals with links to other networks, school, colleagues, wider circle.

Your set up doesn’t work - try something else.

Seems like there's a lot of resentment in your house. You deserve time to yourself and outside the house. You're husband doesn't sound like he's coping well with being the sole breadwinner. I think that needs some serious discussion too

Thank you for your honesty!

I was !!🥹

It's pretty obvious.

lol! Sorry about that!

Homeschooling and looking after a home isn’t work? It’s almost like people don’t pay other to teach , clean and cook

Bloody hell, these replies, you're probably getting put through the wringer because you've got 3 kids. Have people missed that you have a 2yo?

My DH WFH, flexible hours but lots of them and does a full time job, some consulting hours and a business on the back burner when he can. Also makes dinner every night and does bulk of the big cleaning. I have our toddler nearly all the time apart from my 3 working days but do all drop offs, pick ups, meals, bath time bedtime etc and he comes in with me for the last bit of the night still - weaning off breastfeeding. He says he's happy with it and it's how he feels useful given that he couldn't share feeds at night and keeps quite nocturnal hours. He's also very particular about things like how to clean the stove or bath etc so he's quite happy doing them.

Homeschooling - great if you can cope but sounds like you're finding it tough and as a fellow teacher, I do wonder how you're managing year 7 work with juggling two toddlers.

I do think it sounds like your DH has a fair amount of leisure time in the evening and it's not fair that you have none - and if you put your kids in school then you'd still have no break looking after the 2yo all day. And if you went back to teaching, yes you'd have holidays but then your older kids would be home with you too. I don't think anyone needs several hours of chilled time to themselves every night while their wife struggles, and this isn't just about you homeschooling.

Your DH does sound kind of resentful so may be a discussion if he wants some pressure taken off and you bringing in some part time income - okay then but that's got to allow for some breaks for you as well. Or you could make the decision yourself to go back to work or run some tutoring classes since you're qualified. Sounds like he was on board with the homeschooling but could have changed his mind?

Also sorry if he hates his job, he needs to be a grown up and have an adult discussion with you especially if he refuses to consider looking elsewhere. I've absolutely hated jobs before and had to stay in them for financial reasons. Doesn't mean I'd have been fine with my husband getting zero downtime while I decompressed every evening - he could give you an hour or two a week with no threat to his mental health.

I don’t agree - it’s not a privilege to be a dogsbody doing all the housework and child rearing solo. There is even a story called Cinderella about it. He is not pulling his weight. If you left him tomorrow would he quit his job? I doubt it. Most people don’t want to work - you are not sitting at home relaxing- you are actually working harder than him, it’s just you don’t get money deposited into your bank account at the end of the month. Did he do this job prior to children?

Do you seriously think she'll love that set up as she gets older as a teenager?

I'm interested to hear why you think it's fine to outsource GCSE or A level subjects you can't teach to online classes or tutors, isn't that the same as letting your children be taught by other teachers at school?

I think you sound a bit like like a martyr. You've deliberately chosen a difficult life with 3 children whom you've chosen to home educate.

You say the children won't settle for your husband, that's why he doesn't do it. You made a rod for your own back. They soon will if you stand firm. Insist he bathes them and puts them to bed x nights a week, even if it takes him ages to get them to sleep. You keep out of the way. After a few goes it'll be fine. Insist you have one weekend day lie in each.

Didn't you talk and agree about how tasks would be divided the more children you had and when you decided to home educate?

Of course they can.

Most people take approx 1hour to get read for work, an hours commute and I assume the kids have a lunch break.

That’s at least 4 hours of the day when OP is not homeschooling and working parents would be otherwise busy.

4 hours is more than enough time to do chores every day.

The only chores that will need doing on the weekend is the cooking and cleaning, which I’ve said DH needs to help with as it’s part of parenting (and being an adult).

Can’t believe the responses on here. Internalised misogyny. Or maybe it’s an overwhelming hate of homeschooling clouding people’s judgement. Yes he has a lot of pressure, so does op. Working hard (for a lifestyle he chose) doesn’t mean he’s entitled to a live in 24/7 maid, childcare, teacher and chef though.
im Also baffled people are saying to put your kids in state schools, so you can clean more. That seems like the absolute opposite of my priorities personally
op and her dh can share the workload, he can look for a new job, they can put the kids in school - these are all options. But feeling sorry for a man who works and then does fuck all with the rest of his day and doesn’t respect his wife or what she’s bringing to the family is crazy. Op I guess a lot of people share DHs opinions though so you probably won’t get anywhere.
I think you’ll have to put up with it, or stop doing so much for him, or go back to work and put dc into school and nursery unfortunately.

@EducatorMum I'm sorry but there is no way that you can succesfully homeschool an 11 y old with a 4 and 2 year old there! Also she's miss missing out on social interactions with people her age. I don't know any 11 year old who would prefer to hang out with young siblings rather than friends her age. Unless she's extremely immature/autistic ?