Am I unreasonable to want more help as a homeschooling stay-at-home mum?

[EducatorMum]

Hi all, I need to know if I’m being unreasonable.
background - I’m a sahm homeschooling our 3 children (11, 4, 2). My partner works from home (data) full time and is the only financial provide which I’m extremely grateful for to enable me to stay home with the children.
I used to be a primary school teacher but came off to be with the kids.
I naturally do all of the cleaning , laundry , housekeeping , childcare. I’m up every morning anytime between 6 and 7. I do all bath times and bed times alone as they don’t settle for him. At weekends, he stays in bed until 10/11 . He struggles to sleep at night so he argues he gets the same amount of sleep as me (I go to bed with the 4 year old). I generally don’t get a lie in or much of a break. Every evening after I’ve cooked and cleaned up he will head to his office usually around 7pm and have rest and alone time until he comes to bed around 11/12. I might get an hour if the youngest naps in the day but feel things are unfair. If I ever bring it up he makes out I’m ungrateful, that he’s working a job he hates and I can do whatever I want. Is this right? I don’t know how if this is the norm for others in sahm / homeschool positions ?

I get it for a few years OP but really what about your DCs needs? How will they ever go I tot he work place as round adults? They don’t know how to interact with others, how to play, how to bind, form friendships, deal with situations they don’t like…. This is a disaster for them.

He’s taking advantage OP.

My children are in school but I’m currently not working for health reasons (this is temporary) so I do the majority of the general day-to-day housework whilst they are in school.

However, before my husband leaves for work in the morning he will still get up and make the children’s packed lunches so it’s one less job for me to do when I’m getting them ready for school.

When he comes home from work he tends to cook the dinner whilst I’m doing the homework with the children. We then all spend time together as a family (board games and the like) and then we alternate doing bath time/general getting them ready for bed whilst the other cleans the kitchen after dinner.

When it comes to actually putting the youngest to bed and doing his school reading we alternate that too and whoever isn’t doing it, sorts out getting the school uniforms ready for the next day.

He also takes them to the majority of their after school activities to ensure he gets quality time with them outside of the mundane Mon-Fri school related life

We work as a team.

@EducatorMum to answer your original question: I am not a home schooler but I do work part-time (like you, we made that decision jointly as it was best for our family) and my DH works full-time in a stressful job.

He absolutely does NOT check out of family life when he is home. He often cooks and does laundry and other things around the house. He doesn't disappear off to a room on his own and doesn't lie in bed on weekends. He engages with our kids and me and is an all-round good egg. He does these things because he wants to, because being a parent isn't just about providing financially for your family but about being active and present and also supportive of your partner.

Being at home with children is tiring and mentally draining, even without home schooling, no matter how much you love them, and it's not too much to expect of a partner that they share parenting and some chores when they are home.

I agree. It's one thing homeschooling because of circumstances (Send, school refusal, bullying, depression etc). I did it for 2 years with my then 13-15 year old. But I only had him and I didn't work. And as soon as he got better he returned to school for HIS sake.

The problem is you have such a big age gap between the 11yo and the little ones.

I home schooled my two eldest for a while but they were close in age, after I had my younger two it was impossible to give the education the older ones needed against the needs of toddlers so they started school. I never had the option for my younger two as I was then a single parent and had no choice but to work.

I did all the house chores while I was at home though but their dad did take them out so I had the house to myself a couple times a week for a few hours.

Have you asked the 11 year old if they are happy being home schooled?

Of course you are not being unreasonable. I work part time and my husband is full time and we still split household tasks and childcare out of hours and ensure we each have time alone. We share bedtimes and school runs. And our kids are in nursery/school. You are doing far far too much. Most people argue that doing their day job is easier than childcare and these are people with challenging vocational professional jobs! Your husband needs a reality check.

We have tried various different set ups over the years. Whatever you do has to work for everyone including both adults. This set up clearly isn’t working for you all. You are both knackered and resentful and the cracks are already forming. So you need to change something. It’s unsustainable as it is.
you DH wants to change jobs but now feels completely stuck and is becoming depressed and checking out. You are knackered and resentful.
at this point you have to lay out all the alternative options to what you are doing now and talk them through with him.
be willing to change things as they are or you will end up very unhappy.
could the youngest go to nursery? Could they all go back to school? Could you and DH both with part time? Could he change careers or jobs?
also I have worked from home for the past 4 years and I can’t stand it a moment longer and am wanting to go back to the office asap, I couldn’t do this as DH was working full time in an office. We just decided he will become a SAHD and I am going back to the office, we are going to try that for a year and see if it helps us as we were both miserable. Our kids are not homeschooled though so that helps. Right now you’ve painted yourselves into an inflexible corner whereby he can’t leave and you can’t work as you are the only one who can deliver the home ed. DH is probably thinking that this isn’t for the next decade and that he is stuck completely in a job he hates and working from home.

I've never known a mother with children ages 2 and 4 that gets a lie in if she didn't have a nanny- I'm not sure it's a reasonable expectation if your partner works full time.
It was you who decided to take homeschooling on, I really don't see what you think your partner should be doing, so he has a little "me" time, you could have too if you hadn't decided to homeschool.

And I think @LimeShade was making the point that exam results aren't the only important thing. I've known a few home educated children, either the offspring of acquaintances or from a Home Ed group I helped with as part of a volunteer job I had. I don't think any of them actually benefitted from it but none of the now adult ones have much in the way of qualifications either.

There are a lot of layers to this.
You and DH have chosen a particularly difficult path - 3 kids with a large age gap and home schooling.
For you to manage this arrangement you and DH need to work together. It really won't work if he checks out of the family, as he appears to have done.
So you need a serious conversation.
Do you both want home schooling?
If so, what will he bring to family life in future, beyond a salary?
When will you get your downtime?
When will he get his downtime?
Can he find a less stressful job?
Consider the options if you stop home schooling and get a job (paid help in the home, for example).

Putting aside the arguments about home schooling and the frankly inaccurate and insensitive comments about teachers the bottom line is that the OPs partner has completely checked out of both his relationship with her and the children.
The op is a sahm, but i dont see how her partner can build a relationship with his family if he spends every evening alone after tea and spends limited time with his children and family at weekends. One parent being a sahp doesnt mean to me that the other parent does nothing with the kids in the evenings or weekends. It isnt just about giving the sahp a break it is about building connections & relationships It sounds like he has 'checked out' of family life. I couldn't live like this. I wouldn't want to spend every evening shouldering all the domestic chores without any support or companionship from my parrner.
You need to discuss why he doesn't want to spend time with you & the kids. If he says it is job pressure, you need to discuss if he can change his job. That might need you to take up paid work. However, I would be clear that I was unhappy spending every evening alone and disappointed he didn't want to spend time with kids. To me these are fundamentals of family life and would have to change whatever the split of paid work was. There needs to be discussion and openess to change from both partners. However, i couldn't continue like this. It doesnt seem much of a partnership or relationship.

This set up sounds miserable tbh.

It is absolutely reasonable for you to expect your dh to do half the parenting and childcare outside work hours. The dc will settle for him at bedtime if he sticks with it.

It's also reasonable to expect some adult company and to enjoy spending time with your partner.

Equally, it's reasonable for him to want to share the financial load.

I think there's a lot to be said for a more equal arrangement, could you both work part time and then also share caring for the dc? It's easy to grow apart when your lives are so separate.

Op, I think it is time outsource something. Maybe get a cleaner or a regular babysitter.

Your relationship with your husband is clearly suffering. It appears like he is punishing you for something unless he is ill? He is withdrawn from the family. Why is that happening? Is he jealous that you appearing to enjoy life while he is suffering. Is he feeling neglected?

Arrange care for the children while you set adult time with your husband. All of this is not acceptable. Most working families, they share household chores on the weekend.

This.

maybe you need to let him do things you think he can’t do. “The dc won’t settle for him” could mean that you have tended to control bath/bed times.

Be careful you haven’t made a rod for your own back. Was it a joint decision to homeschool and for you to be a SAHM?

Think about swapping roles and you doing a job you hate with pretty full on hours and supplying the sole source of income for FIVE people

It’s my idea of a nightmare, frankly.

Sounds like your husband needs to put on his big girl pants and be a better father. All I can suggest is quiet time. Quiet time for an hour in their rooms with a time, they have to stay in their rooms and be fairly quiet but it means you can have a rest for a bit. You also need to start alternating weekends with your husband. I have a lay in on Saturday my husband has one on Sunday. Also if your kids won’t settle for your husband he could still bath them then had over to you so at least you don’t have to worry about baths. You need to sit with you husband and TALK to him about how you are both feeling.

Who are these literally minded people who think home schooling means kids are at home all the time? I don’t homeschool but know quite a lot of home schooled kids and they spend most of their time out of the house at various classes and activities with other kids. They get plenty of play and social interaction. Whatever the limitations of homeschooling may be, it’s certainly not lack of social interaction.

Adding to my comment above that after 4 years of work from home in a tech job like OPs husband I have pretty checked out of life entirely. I speak on teams all day to people on the other side of the world that I have hardly any connection to, I rarely see people in real life, when I’m not speaking on teams I am looking at spreadheets. Then at lunch and after work I get up and juwalk to a different room in the house. I spend all day in this house, I can’t stand it. I am going crazy and losing my social skills. I have been contemplating leaving to work as a postman or bus driver or anything that doesn’t involve me sitting in the house all day and all night. I can’t keep on top of house chores as it’s still in the house and doing more work in the house after working in the house all day is too much. It’s like living and sleeping and eating in my office. It’s become a prison.
i am looking for any job that isn’t sitting in my house all day.
also the only reason I can get work done is because my kids are at school. If they were being home educated in the next room and I was sitting there listening to them all having a fun time and I was just there on my laptop for 8 hours a day stuck there listening to them then I think that would actually tip me over the edge.
I can completely see how OPs DH has checked out entirely. He is living a completely depressing life, whilst listening to his whole family enjoying theirs outside of his office room every day while he sits there staring at his laptop to enable them to do it. Then he leaves work, gets up, goes in the next room and there’s more but different chores to do there.

Having read all the OPs posts, I think we can at least say, it’s probably best shes not teaching kids at primary school anymore

Seems to have a short fuse and somewhat aggressive replies.

Post script to say this is in cities, which have a community of homeschoolers and the market provides home school classes / activities etc.

My husband works full-time and I was a SAHM until my son started Infant school. I did the bulk of the chores at home as well as looking after our son. However, my husband didn't sit on his arse and do zero at home in the evenings/weekends. He was, and still is a fully engaged parent and helps me where he can.

Your situation is different. You have 3 children, you are home-schooling 2 of them and your husband doesn't help at all.

Your husband should be a fully engaged Dad once home from work. Disappearing off to his home office after he's eaten, means he's spending no time with his children or you. He may be in a job he dislikes, and has stayed because it pays well (some people have little choice but do this) but that isn't an excuse to disengage from family life. Nor is using the excuse he works full-time, there are plenty of parents who work full-time, who are fully engaged with their children.

The current set up isn't working for you as a family. Tell your husband that he needs to be a present Dad to his children in the evenings and at weekends. His children must barely see him, no wonder they won't settle for him! He needs to start helping you with bedtime, regardless of he wants too or not. He chose to have 3 children with you, they aren't your sole responsibility!

You need to start having an evening to yourself, where you go out. He then will be responsible for getting the younger children settled, even if you've helped with bath time. Join a gym, book club, running club...anything that gets you out the house.

If you have family close by who could baby sit the children, suggest a date night once a month.

If the above doesn't work, you need to back to work and send the children to school. If your husband refuses to help you by parenting his own children, then he's disengaged from family life completely. If he's not interested in a date night with you either or spending any time together, then he's disengaged from you as well as the children. You then need to think about what you want going forward. His attitude isn't going to change. Making sure you're financially independent becomes your priority.

Just put your kids in school. Unless they've got significant additional needs they'll be absolutely fine and probably better off to be honest. I was a secondary school teacher and would never dream of homeschooling. Do you honestly have all the necessary skills for maths, science, languages etc. at secondary level? I doubt it.

Even if you then have to get a job. Try to find a relatively low stress that allows hybrid working (sounds like you don't need the money) or see how your husband feels about you going part time given he is insisting on you doing all the housework. That will be 100% less stressful than having the kids all day on top of all chores.

Also your husband is a dick, but I'm just giving practical advice if you don't want to leave him.

This

Just on the DH's job thing, Data specialists are highly sought after at the moment and is one of the few jobs in IT that still attracts bonkers salaries, so he could easily look for a job he doesn't hate. Unless he hates data of course.

Do you really feel you can cover the full secondary curriculum whilst also teaching two younger children? Why do you assume that all teachers couldn't care less? Was that how you felt about teaching?